Is She Ready for the Potty?

Hi J., I always heard the worst thing to do is to switch them from panties to diapers and back. Once you decide you are going to get out of diapers, you MUST be committed to it. With both my kids we had a big jar of M&M's on the shelf for the kids to see and every time they went in the potty they got a couple M&Ms. But you have to act so happy and thrilled and make a big deal out of it and go on and on about how great they are. And tell her she can't hold it in at all, when she feels that first tickle she needs to go let it out or it will give her big owies. Good luck to you!

Have you tried asking her specifics about what it is about the potty that frightens her? Does she not like the airy feeling under her? Does she not like how big the opening is? Does she not like feeling unbalanced on the seat? Does she not like the noise when flushing? Does she think part of her is going down the drain? Is she afraid it will splash out? Try to gently guide the questions to help her figure out what it is that bothers her. Once you can pinpoint what aspect is scary, then you will be able to figure out how to solve it.
Would a smaller potty chair help? A softer seat attachment? You sitting there next to her on the side of the bathtub? Having a stepstool for her feet to help her feel balanced? Maybe you could remind her of some other time that she was afraid of something and she ended up not being scared later... Talk to her about how once she gets used to it, it will not be so scary...
Just some thoughts....

have you thought about getting her her own potty so she is closer to the ground and wont feel like she will fall in? bc she is ready to be trained

is she scared of falling in? do you have a potty that's indep from the toilet?

Some children are afraid to let it go into the toliet because they are so used to it just going into a diaper and not free falling into the toliet. It's a big change. They are used to "keeping it close" and the release into the toliet is a whole new feeling. Let her pour some water into the toliet and maybe some cherrios or something so she sees that nothing happens to them. A lot of kids are afraid to let it go so freely and if they see that it isn't dangerous they become more comfortable with it. While she is sitting on the toliet have her drink some cold water...it'll make her go. (helpful tip from my daughter's great grandma) Also my doc told us that kids will try to control the situation, especially with poo. So if she starts getting stubborn with the poo the doc told us to just put some of the dissolving fiber in her juice-make it so she has to go and can't hold it for the power play of it. :)

Hope this helps! It sounds to me that she is just really afraid of the free fall release.

I agree with Victoria W. that you should make the whole experience as calming and comforting as possible (a child's potty seat would be ideal), and gently lead her with questions to find out what part of the experience is upsetting her. Have you ruled out the possibility of a UTI or exterior irritation of the vulva? She could feel a sting when she pees.

Something I've tried with success when children are afraid of something is to act it out with puppets or stuffed toys. Include and validate the fear or anxiety, move past it playfully, end with success. This is a hit with my grandson, who was terrified of having scrapes washed, and for awhile suffering with difficult poops.

Try this the first few times when your daughter doesn't need to use the potty, so her anxiety level will be as low as possible. Have one toy be the anxious "pee-maker," and another ask questions. You could even have several anxious players take turns. The script could go something like this, with characters A and B:

A: Oh, I have to pee, I have to pee!

B: OK, let's go. I'll help you. (Go to the bathroom.)

A: I don't want to get on that big potty…

B: Oh, does the potty scare you?

A: A little bit.

B: Are you afraid of falling? (Try out various possible fears if this one doesn"t register.)

A: Yes, a little bit…

B: I understand. That hole is big, isn't it? Do you want to pee in your diaper instead?

A: No, I want my big girl panties! Can I have my big girl panties?

B: You are getting to be a big girl. I'll help you use the potty if you want. I'll hold you very carefully, and you can keep your feet on the stool.

A: Well…okay, I'll try. (sits) Oh, oh, I want down. Maybe next time.

B: That's okay, maybe next time. Everybody's kind of afraid at first. It feels funny, doesnt' it?

A: Yes, I don't like the way it feels.

B: So, it feels like (list as many ideas as you can, with A saying YES! each time). Ah, I get it. I remember feeling that way. And you know what? As soon as I did pee, I felt SO GOOD! And SO HAPPY! And after awhile, I felt so good while I was peeing! Watch how I do it! (Demonstrate with puppet, with B getting into a little "song" like:
B: "I feel up high, yes… that hole feels big, yes… Mommy is holding me, yes… so I feel a little bit safe, yes… I'm worried about letting go, yes… oh, I'm letting the pee go, yes… OH, I'm doing it!, yes… I'm PEEING!!!, yes… Yay, I DID it! YES!

A: Okay, can I try now? (Repeat B's little song).

B: You did it!!! You know what? That was a very brave thing for you to try, and next time will be even easier. Pretty soon, you'll find out you're not worried about peeing any more, and you'll be using the potty just like a big girl. Congratulations! (Avoid saying YOU ARE very brave, because that could be a hitch if your daughter doesn't feel brave yet.)

Whenever you have to pee, act SOOO excited to go, have her come watch, and make a big deal about how much fun it is to put your pee in the potty. Show her how fun and exciting and cool it is so she can't help but want to do it too. I heard that advice in a Love and Logic parenting DVD and it worked like a charm with both of my children! I was struggling with my son at first and then I happened to watch this DVD, and as soon as both my husband and I acted like we couldn't wait to put our pee in the toilet (it was actually kind of funny and silly to get into it so much) our son was totally excited to go, too. He'd give us high fives when we used the potty and we were all proud and excited for each other.

As a total side note, I highly recommend reading the book Parenting with Love and Logic or watching their DVDs or taking their parenting classes. Amazing parenting advice! That's how my mom parented (with logical consequences to our choices, but always administered in a gentle, loving way) and I loved my happy childhood and never felt rebellious towards her.

Just a question: How long does she hold it? That can lead to a UTI which may make it painful to go. You might want to check with her Dr and see if that could be part of the problem.
You can try running water when she is on the potty also - that always works for my daughter. She is only 17 months and has been wanting to potty train since she was 14 months - not very consistent but hey if she makes it in there once a day i am very proud! :)
Good luck!

Did you ask if she hurt while going potty? Sounds like she's trying to avoid time when it's coming out.

The other day we saw a toilet set in Home Depot that had a built in child's seat. We thought how helpful it would have been with out own kids.
I agree with the suggestion of a child size potty and maybe some"potty" books for her to read while she goes. Have you ask her why she is scared of the potty? Is it the size, the noise it makes when she flushes, the hole where the potty goes down? Kids are sometimes afraid that they can go down the potty or drain just like the rest of the stuff does. My youngest was afraid of the automatic flush toilets. We used M&M's for potty treats and read books about going potty as well as told animated stories to distract them while they were sitting there.
One last thing, if the crying is recent, she may have a Urinary infection or irritation. Hang in there, it will get better.

Had a similar situation with my first child (a girl) who appeared to be ready to potty train at 22 months. Although she was very interested in the potty and being a "big girl", it became very stressful once we started the process. I backed off completely when she began withholding # 2 and put her back in diapers for 6 weeks. 2 days after she turned 2 she woke up from her nap and asked to use the potty and within a week she was day trained. She wore pull-ups at night until age 3 1/2. Your daughter just may not be ready yet physically. Hang in there. Potty training is always frustrating. R., midwife mom of 3.

Sounds like she is more than ready to be potty trained. Have you asked what she is scared of with the toliet? You said she prefers the big potty over the little one but maybe she isn't ready for the big one just yet. I would be more concerned with her crying everytime she pees. Why is shy crying when she is going in her diaper? My thought would be a UTI. I would try and ask her questions about why she is crying, i.e. does it hurt? are you afraid of the potty? what scares you? Simple questions that she would be able to answer. Once you get her answers you can start narrowing down what is really going on. I have a little girl who is almost 3 and I have learned that the more questions I ask her the better we understand how she is feeling and what is going on with her little body. Kids dont know how to express how they are feeling and we need to help them do this. Good Luck!!