Irrational Fears?...

Hi K.,

You poor tormented soul!

I believe that you are looping your fears/anxieties in with a mother's gut. My husband has the same fear of our son dying and will randomly call me, not even saying hello, he will exclaim "Where is he?!". I have run the gamut on responses and emotions on this one, to say the least.

My advice: Let your husband take them. You need the time to yourself and it will HELP the way you feel in the long run. Just make sure you tell Mike that you will be calling at random times and explain your anxiety thoroughly to him w/o emotion. Ask him to work with you on it and to help you through it. Discuss which activities you feel would be inappropriate. To me, a 3.5 yr old has no business being in a kayak, honey.

The fear of death is not the real issue, it is the fear of having something precious taken away. To say that it will go away....no, probably not; but it will diminish significantly. As your children grow older and your marriage more and more settled, you will begin to receive a lot of closure on issues you never realized were open, let alone issues at all.

Trust God completely and just give this to Him. He is giving you this weekend as a gift, either to start the healing process, or to cut loose with a glass of wine and a movie at home!

Relax my sister, and let someone else be in control of the boys. It is soooooo very liberating and decadent!!

Jillian said it very well. I think every mother has some fear about losing their child and therefore allowing them out of their site. And everyone has some fear doing something that they're not used to doing. But if that fear prevents them from doing something that is reasonable and even good for them the fear is too great.

Send your husband and kids off to Grandma and Grandpa. Have a discussion with your husband as Jillian suggested. Arrange for some calls not only to reassure you but to be a part of their fun and they of yours. It might help to schedule things for yourself to do so that you will have something to tell them.

Then focus on enjoying the alone time that you've needed for some time. When worries enter your mind push them aside. We have more control over what we think and feel than we realize.If you focus on your fears your fears will increase. If you focus on the fun everyone will have, including you the fears will gradually subside.

They won't go away. I still worry some about my adult daughter and grandchildren. After my first grandchild was born I worried a lot causing me to be too involved in their lives. Over time, with friends and counseling help, I realized that my worry and the way I acted upon it wasn't healthy for any of us and I've been able to stop worrying about alot of things and not act inappropriately when I do worry.

One of the reasons I could worry less was after I stopped being so involved, I could see that my daughter was doing just fine. And your fear will also become less over time as you have good experiences when letting go of some of the care for your sons.

Focus on yourself and do the things you've been wanting to do these past 3 1/2 years. When fear starts in tell yourself to stop and go back to thinking about what you are doing or planning to do. Perhaps a mantra such as "my family is OK and having fun" to say when you start feeling anxious again might help. Say it over and over until you can go back to enjoying your time.

My mom would totally agree with Marda. She still worries about my sister and I (I'm 32 and my sis is 27). As far as I can see, it's part of becomming a parent. But you can't let that get in the way of having time for yourself! Trust that your husband loves those kids as much as you do and won't let anything happen to them.

It was hard for me to just let them go the first couple times, but honestly, it did get a little easier after that. I just always try and remind myself that the people that surround my kids are people that love them...if I have any fears about things specific like I would with kayaking, I let my fears be known and ask for what I would need to feel better, ie either they wear a life jacket at ALL times or they don't go in. I've always found that my family has granted my wishes.

Take that time for yourself! Enjoy it!

It sounds like your kids will have a great time... My daughter loves being on the Kayak with Grandma. She was about 18mo I think when my mom first started taking her our.

It is hard to let them go, but it is also worth it. They will come back to you refreashed from their adventures, and you will have adventures of your own that serve to refreash you. And dad will get his adventure in there too *smile* You just need to take a deep and quiet breath after they are gone and know that everything will be OK. They are in good hands, as are you.

Do the spontanious things that we forget about when we have kids. and above all ENJOY!

Laughter and alone time,
S.

Oh my goodness there are really others like me, I thought I was the only one. That first time is the hardest. I had the same problem, Only I was the one who went on the road trip and left my kids with my husband for 3 whole days. I thought everything was going to fall apart with out me there. My kids were not going to be watched, I was gonna get a call from them at the hospital cuz something happened. All kinds of horrible thoughts ran through my head, so badly that I almost cancelled my trip. I didnt, and I ended up having a time of my life. I came home and nothing had fallen apart, matter of fact my kids didnt really even miss me. They had a blast with daddy. My house was clean, Laundry was done and I had a hot meal waiting for me when I got home that sunday night. My point is That yes you are letting someone else run the show, but dont cancel because of your fears. You husband is capable of handling it and You need this break. It does get easier after the first time trust me.

Hi K.,
I understand completely what you mean. It's hard for me to let my boys be without me also because "nobody can do it like me..." but now that I have baby #3 on the way I'm tired and do enjoy some time for myself. Your kids will be fine especially since your husband will be there. The hardest part will be them walking out the door and then after a short time, you will be just fine. You will get some needed R&R and when they come back you will have more energy for them. It's good too for your husband to have the responsiblity of the kids :)

YOU ARE A NORMAL MOM! I think we all feel that no one can care for our children like we can, and its probubly true but that doesnt mean they cant do a good job. There is only one person who can answer this one and that is you. Do YOU feel your husband is capable of handling the children as seen by his interactions so far? Do they get taken care of when he watches them at home? Are the grandparents capable? I know my husband gets easily distracted and in a crowd with no one assigned it can be assumed "someone else has them". There are some dads out there who arent really responsible in that way and there are some who are amazingly so. Only you know your husband and his parents enough to make that choice. BUT after its made, and they are gone, try to relax and enjoy. Jen

Hi K., I have 2 boys, 5 and 2. I have been lucky enough to have had some "alone" time on a few occasions, and every time, I start to worry and have 2nd thoughts about leaving them with their grandparents (fathers parents) or my husband, even though I know in my heart they are very capable of taking care of the children. They raised 4 wonderful children themselves and my husband is a great dad, so why do I worry so much?. I do think it is a MOM THING, it always seems that once I have gone, then those fears are much less and I am able to relax more. You need the alone time, it is healthy for you and it gives the kids some alone time with their daddy and it is okay if daddy doesn't do everything exactly they way you would, if he doesn't make them wash their hands or wipe their face, it really is okay, it's usually those minor things that the daddy lets slide, and the kids won't get hurt from those little things, besides, you won't even know about it. I think once you are away from them, those fears will fade and it will make the next time just that much easier.... keep your cell phone with you at all times and try to relax, they will be in good hands ;) Good Luck!

P.S. When everyone returns home, it is so gratifying getting that big hug that shows how much you all missed one another. It's good for everyone all around. Cheers.

this is totally normal, i do the same thing, i thought it was just me!!! My oldest is 2 1/2. He has stayed with his dad and grandparents over night many times, but it still makes me nervous. I call all the time to check on him. When he's with his dad, I'm always calling seeing if he's alright, if he's had a nap, if they ate. Basically anything that comes to mind. I know in my right mind that he's not going to let them be hungry or poopy or anything, but I just can't help. I'm sure, just like me, every mother believes that no one could ever raise her children as well as she does, and I think thats where the fear stems from. I think you should take advantage of this opportunity. It may be hard, and you probably won't be able to concentrate on yourself the whole time, but the more you let them stay with others, the easier it gets.

I have had the same fears occasionally since having my son. Perhaps by letting them go have a great time and return home safely will alleviate that anxiety for future situations. I work with children who have cancer and I often worry that my kid will end up with one of these horrible diseases. But I have to remember that those things are very rare (just as a child drowning) and that the odds are in our favor. Worrying about them will only keep us from enjoying the reality that our kids will most likely grow up to worry about there own children just as we do. Enjoy your alone time!

Oh, K. - you are so funny!

I went through the same thing with my son and husband. My son is four now, but when he was younger, I never wanted my husband to take him out alone. I was always worried something would happen. After awhile my husband would get angry with me for not trusting him, thinking he couldn't handle it, etc. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't him, it was *me*, but it's probably hard for anyone to understand how a mother feels - even for another parent. The irony is that I grew up with only one sibling, and my husband is from a family of ten! He grew up caring for other children, and I babysat one time when I was 12.
Anyway, this is about you, sooo - YES. This will go away eventually. Not "go away" entirely, or you'd be a terrible mom. You will always worry, but you'll begin to loosen your grasp little by little. At least we're in the age of cell phones - it's easy to keep in touch. I say go for it.

Good luck mommy!

I couldn't do it...Maybe ONE day but I am sure I would be right behind them.

So glad to hear that you let them go and had some "mom" time. I wanted to tell you a short story that someone told me about fears concerning my daughter. I dont know what your religous background is but I am a Christian.

This past Christmas my 7 year old got a snowboard for Christmas and a great friend of ours was going to teach her and his 8 year old son to snowboard. I had awful dreams about it for days before they went and I was scared to death of something happening to her and me not being there to "fix it". Then a friend asked me who I thought took care of my daughter when I was around. I had to think about what she was asking me for a moment before I realized that the correct answer was not me, her mom, but it was God. She then told me that she was the same way as a mom until one day she realized that even when she was with her children, she wasn't caring for them because God was so that helped me "let go" alot.

Take Care and God Bless!!!

Well my advice is to talk w/ the grandparents and tell them that you want them to be careful around the water, wear life jackets. Give them some rules about who is gonna keep eyes on who, and what you expect from them. Better to clear your mind of things that coudl go wrong. I'm sure they were just as concerned about their kids when they were young as well.
I so understand your fears, I can conjure up the worst senerios at the drop of the hat. I mean i hear one of my kids cry and i expect the worst. My mom says we think of things like that to keep us on our toes. Anyways good luck, and i hope you get some time to yourself.
L.

Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do for yourself and more importantly your family. I learned that the hard way. I started to resent my husband and child because they always came first and I lost who I was...they went away for a night for a father son outing at the beach and even though I called every 2 hours...the peace and quiet and rest was the best thing ever...think of it as recharging...It was the best thing ever for me...hope it will be for you.

Glad you were able to get some mama time alone! I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely no alone in your fears. My daughter and I were in three car accidents (one involving a death) before she was 13 months old, and ever since then I have struggled with "irrational" fears that I've probably projected those onto my children. I have gone to counseling for it and its just taken time and some visualization of things being okay. It still happens occasionally and I think its more than normal to be worried about your kids safety, especially when they're with anyone but you. But we all know we can't protect them forever, can we? Haha..I was just glad to come across your request and realize that I wasn't alone in my fears as well!

I think this fear is normal... I have them anyway.... but I don't know if I'm normal... haha.

My fear is always car wrecks. If my mom or my husband takes all 3 of my kids (7, 5, 3) with them somewhere and leave me behind, I am always nervous until they get back. I've made jokes with my mom before about all my eggs being in one basket. Sometimes I'll even make one stay home simply so that if something happens I won't lose ALL of them. When I tell my mom how I'm feeling she understands too, usually saying "you drive around with the 3 of them all the time- how do you think I feel?" meaning she is just as scared of something happening to me. This is why I think it is normal.

How far away is their house? I would say- let them go. It will be good for you to have a break- AND it won't be as scary after the first time. Even if you have to call 20 times an hour. Instead of imagining terrible things happening, think about the HUGE HUG you're going to get when they get home!!

I also have two boys. 3.5 and 2.5 years old. I hate to say it but I never leave the boys with my husband for more than a day. My main reason for this is that they don't large amounts of time together so it's not really fair to either parties. I also worry about what will happen when I'm gone. So, my solution....when I go out of town I leave the husband and kids AT HOME and invite a girlfriend, grandmother, sister etc., to come stay at the house to "take care of things". This way the kids still get time with their dad but it's not overwhelming to anyone. This may not work for you because of your timeline, but it may be worth it to plan it out for the next time. For now I say go, Try to relax, and have a good time. Explain to your hubby the fellings you have and that you would like him to be extra carefull.

K.-
I'm glad I'm not alone! I have 2 boys 3 and 2 years old and recently (3 weeks ago) gave birth to my baby girl! It is also very hard for me to let the boys go with my husband or family members for fear that something will happen. I think its just the feeling that NOONE will ever watch over your children and protect them like you. Even after having my daughter, I know I could use the time to myself...but even when my husband has taken the boys to get their haircut (2 hours) I find myself unable to relax and even resort to calling them on his cellphone! Its bad and I know my husband feels as if I have no faith in him. Its not that, I just cant stop worrying and let go. I'll keep you in my thoughts, I hope we both can overcome this!
Good Luck
C.