In Laws - Genoa,IL

Take a deep breath. I think that you will notice that this time is stressful for all of us and as you will (and probably have seen), in laws seem to be the highlight of discussions lately. So, deep breath, my friend. Deep breath.

I too have crazy in-laws, although it sounds like yours could give mine a run for my money. Lying about cancer? Wow! Anyway, my advice is this: Have a heart to heart with your husband where there is no screaming, blaming, etc. Tell him that *you* are at a loss. That *you* don't want to get involved in the drama this year and that *you* are hoping that he can help you. Get him to the point that he realizes that you aren't blaming him for his family's problems and give him an opportunity to "fix" it. Give him some possible thoughts that you think might help and guide him towards the one that you think is best but let it be *his* idea.

I am sorry to hear that you have Cancer. I hope that you and your family can concentrate on what's really important this year...that you are here with your children and husband. Hey, maybe you can just tell your husband that you want a "quiet" Christmas this year and that you just want to focus on the most important things in life.

Good luck, S.. I hope that you have a great holiday season.

Kind regards,
N.

WOA DARLIN! Serious disfunction in your husband's family! Well, first off, they don't tell you when you get married that you are saying "I do" to not only him but to all his relatives and their foibles as well. Sometimes you have to take a breath and just smile, in your case a DEEEP breath.
1. Don't you think people know you MIL and her tales? Just smile and nod and let her say what she wants to say. You are raising your children, not her, so don't worry about it.
2. Don't get in the middle of their divorce. Set up a weekend BEFORE Christmas (Dec. 22nd and 23rd would be awesome this year) and grandpa gets Saturday, ALWAYS and grandma gets Sunday, ALWAYS. Call it "little Christmas" with grandma and grandpa. The kids and hubby get Christmas with both grandparents, you get peace and quiet at your house for Christmas.
AND no drinking around the children or you leave, period. Sit down with your husband, CALMLY talk to him. Mention the solutions above and ask him what he would do to lessen the tension. Make him a part of the solution instead of the continued problem. And make it something that you can do every year.
We are a family with divorce in it too. There have always been squabbles about Christmas until this year. My husband and I decided to have Thanksmas. Yes, combo Thanksgiving and Christmas. We have arranged for our children to ALWAYS be with us at Thanksgiving and always with their mom (the kids in question are my stepkids) on Christmas. We eat turkey, give thanks, put up our tree, hang stockings and the next day YAY! we have Thanksmas. I know it is odd but everyone loves it! Even the Ex, who thinks she is getting a good deal.
We enjoy being with our family without hassle and the added bonuses are not fighting the crowds because we are DONE with shopping before most people start and Christmas is now more spiritual, as it should be.
Find a solution instead of focusing on the negative. There is a way, you just have to find it. *HUG*

Your problem is not your inlaws. With their behavior they have shown they deserve no respect or right to be in your lives. If unavoidable,they also should be limited to very brief, supervised visits with the children IF they can pull themselves together for a few minutes.
Your problem is with your husband. He is condoning destructive, inappropriate behavior. He is enabling. If you cannot quietly reason with him, I don't know how this situation can improve.
You both have to be on the same page. Is there any way to sit down with him, list your concerns and at least come to some compromise?....at least for the sake of the children, who should not be drawn into this? Also, WHERE does this FIL get off inviting himself to YOUR Moms's? I think at some point you just have to say NO.

I wouldn't let them come for the holiday. I know thats hard to do but do you really want to subject your children to this type of behavior. You really need to stop and think about the kids and whats best for them.

Good Luck!

I think it is time to take matters in your own hands. If this were my family I would do Christmas at my house, with my immediate family and not even deal with the toxicity your in-laws are trying to inject. Your children do not need these negative influences poisoning their experiences, be it a holiday or not.

If your in-laws cannot behave like grown-ups and insist on acting like children, then don't include them in your holiday plans. From what you described, it doesn't sound like they are fit to be around your children anyway. This is your family, these are your kids, so let them know that things are going to happen on your terms or they're not going to happen at all.

But then again, I know I'm a little more *ahem* assertive than most, and this would be an extreme measure. At any rate, I choose not to let garbage like this ruin things for my family so I choose not to get involved with such negative energy.

You need to be a 'mean' person and put your foot down. What's going on is NOT fair to you or your children. You are absolutely justified to tell both of them "what's up".

You do not want your kids caught up in that kind of drama. Make some very very firm rules and tell them to your in laws. NO drinking or fighting in front of the kids. If either of those happen, tell them to LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! If his dad wants to come, fine, but tell him that you and your family are going to your mothers and he's welcome to stay at your house. And whatever you do, don't let them both in your house at the same time. It will be a terribly ugly scene. When you MIL lies to you, call her out on it. Say "HMMM I remember that differently, didn't it happen this way?" That way you're correcting her, but not straight out calling her a liar. Unfortunately, I think your husband is just as bad as your in laws. He needs to understand how toxic this relationship is. If he doesn't, then he's more than welcome to stay home with his 'dad' on Christmas. I know it's hard because you want everyone to be together and happy, but it's just not always possible. These are YOUR children and you need to set the boundaries for them. GOOD LUCK!

S.,

I just posted a few days about about my in-laws, so maybe I'm not the BEST one for advice. But, I would make a list and sit down with your husband and GENTLY put your foot down with him. Tell him that your FIL isn't welcome at your Mom's house - if you don't want him there. Tell him your FIL can't spend the night - if you don't want him to. You have a definite say-so as to what your children are exposed to. I wouldn't tell your FIL when your MIL will be there, it's not his business. There is no reason for them to be there together if they are going to make others uncomfortable.

As for MIL and the lies. Did I read it correctly? She lied and said she has/had cancer? The woman is nuts. I would for sure mention how HURTFUL this was to you for the reasons above. If the tears come, hell, let them flow. Your husband needs to realize how this effects you. I think as a VERY broad statement, men seem to think that women "hold grudges". But, my experience has shown me that men don't like confrontation and tend to push things under the rug. "Out of sight, out of mind" for them. I would tell your DH that this isn't about grudges, it's about a habitual situation. And, you know what, even IF there was a little grude about the woman claiming to have cancer...OK! Who wouldn't hold a a grudge about that?!?

Good luck. Man, in-laws can really add an extra stress to the Holidays!

T.

Summmer,

I am so sorry you are having trouble with your in-laws. Fortunately mine live in England,so I don't have to see them that often. But when I do it is for an entire week ugh!! I think you need to set some clear boundaries with them. If you don't want them over night on Christmas Eve you shouldn't have to. It is your house and your decision. You have to do what is best for your family. Do NOT allow them to ruin your Christmas. Be clear with them and take charge of the situation. You deserve to have a happy and peaceful Christmas with your husband and children. Good Luck.

Also what kind of cancer do you have? I don't mean to be nosey, but the reason I ask is because I had ovarian cancer three years ago, and was just diagnosed with breast cancer this past October. I am scheduled to have a double mastectomy in January with reconstructive surgery (silicone implants.) I was very lucky with the ovarian cancer that they found it early enough to completely cure it. It is so hard to diagnose, and is normally not found until it is in the advanced stages. I am coping with the breast cancer pretty well, but I definately have my moments.. My oncologist says that unless they find any cancer in the lymph nodes when they do the surgery, I should be fine and no further treatments would be needed. I am just furious right now about how long they have doudled around with this. I was diagnosed in October and it has taken them all this time to finally get the surgery scheduled.

S., I wish for you a fast and full recovery. And may we both soon be cancer free!

J.

Hi S.,
I tried reading some of your responses but you got so many! ;)
I have an alcoholic MIL. I feel you completely. I spent so many years hating her.
Bottom line, I really don't want her around my kids.
Without getting into the mess, like you said, it'd take a week, I can only tell you what has helped me.
1 - You can't expect your DH to take your side 100% although he may "understand" you, sinner or not, drunks or not, that's all he knows and you can't take that away. I had to come to terms with this w/my hubby. I hurt him more with my hate.
2 - Anytime his mother drinks, we split INSTANTLY. We usualy only see her at family reunions where there's no drinking, she's the only drinker in that family.
3 - She was told that if she ever called here drunk again to start fights she'd be permanently blocked.
3 - Holidays with my family are just that. If we take turns (we haven't in yrs) we go to his without MY family.
4 - My conversations with his mother are strictly platonic, if she ever wants to discuss something - i.e. the past, the ex-husband (my DH's dad), etc I simply stop talking.
5 - If I get mad at any of them, I humanize them w/o giving in. I simply remind myself how misserable they are, forgive their stupidity for they really, really are unhappy plp who are lost and who will never be able to really hurt me, their words that is. I would never leave my kids with her, she's a drunk and disrespects me in my face about smoking so that's always within my control.

Hope that helped some, you're not alone and don't make ur hubby feel that he is either. He has ZERO control on who his family is and he would be a worse man, in my eyes, if he could walk away and never look back.
Amy

Hi S.,
I am going to answer your question as honest as I can. I have been married to my husband for 17 years and I am only 36 yrs old. I have had to deal with my in-laws and sil's to. I find the best way to handle it is to walk away from them and do not include your children around them at all. As soon as I started to pull myself and my daughters away from the in-laws and sil they immediately wanted back in to see my dtrs. When they make the moves to come back to see the children, you only do it under your terms or no seeing them. I was called everything in the book for many years, but somebody has to be the b thing in order for the children to be in a safe environment. I gladly acknowledge the b name with open arms. We now all get along well and I am sure down deep they still think I am a b but I do not care at all. When they show up they are very respectful. And to let you know my mil was an alcoholic also.
Hang in their and stand your ground.
C.

It is not about being mean it is about taking care of yourself and your family. I lived in an alcoholic home growing up and you real don't want your kids arouond that, do you? I would let them both know they are not welcome until they can act their age and should your childen how health people deal with things like split ups.

Sorry if this is to the point, but that is the kind of person I am.

Good luck!!!

In my opinion, the only choice you have is to do whatever is in the best interest of your children. Do what you have to do to keep them safe and protected in all areas. If that means removing them from an unhealthy situation, the decision making process is easy, carrying it out isn't always. The end result is what's important. You already know all I'm saying, but I understand it's necessary to be reminded esp when you're faced with uncomfortable situations. You're stronger than you know! Be your kids hero! many blessings. xo

Wow. It is stressful to have all this drama. I personally am sick of it and would love to only meet them in public places with outsiders joining us for lunch because then they would put on their "I'm such a good Christian show" and act much better. (We are Christians as well, so no emails)
I have told the inlaws, very calmly, all the reasons why I don't like them.
I thought the shock of someone documenting all their lies and bad choices would be the wake up call they needed or they would at least leave us alone.
Neither happened. They played the victim and I exhausted myself for no good reason. I felt better at first, but their denials and lies made me so furious. When others outside the family questioned me, it was hurtful.
I think they should SEE how I live and not believe lies. Telling my inlaws off was not worth it. Putting a mental boundary in my mind, telling them "No, do not talk to me that way or I am leaving" has worked better. It frustrates them way more because they don't have control. They truly believe everyone should respect them and allow them to criticize us. This is outrageous considering all the bad parenting decisions they made and how they are the number one reason bad behavior continues.

Dear S.,
Your major responsibility is to your children and to keep them around healthy and wholesome people. This means setting limits as to their interaction with your in-laws. I recommend that you go to Al-Anon mettings in your area regularly so that you can get support and backbone to deal with them and with your husband. You can get info at Al-Anon.org as to locations and times of meetings. If you are not familiar with Al-Anon, it is for family members and others who must live with or deal with alcoholic loved ones.

I do know what it's like to have difficult inlaws. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You and hubby really need to sit down and decide how to handle this. it only makes it worse if you two are going against each other in the process. If your husband has been abused, he really should talk to a counselor, but I realize your suggestions of this may fall on deaf ears.

I would really try to set my foot down about FIL going to your family's for the holidays. For one thing, it's not your place to invite him to someone else's home. And, if you can get your husband to stand up to him and your MIL, it usually goes better than coming from you. I do think it's fair to put boundries in your own home. If the two of them being there is just distress on everyone, give MIL time separate from FIL to be in your home. That's not unreasonable.

As far as your MIL lying...unfortunately, you may just have to ignore it. I know the cancer is a raw subject for you, but eventually she'll learn that when you lie to people, it breaks their trust in you. Try to let it go.

One thing I strongly suggest you consider, though; remember this is your husbands parents. It's natural for us to go along with our parents because we don't remember our lives without them there in some capacity. It won't be easy for him to just push them away. Deep down, you are probably right...he's finally getting the attention he's been denied before. So it takes a lot of patience from you to help understand hubby better. That's why I suggested you both sit down and agree on some action that you can both get behind. Then, if hubby doesn't uphold his stand, you can call him on the carpet. But, it's always better to work together on it as much as possible.

I feel for you, my dear. In laws are a sticky subject...especially when they complicate your life more than enhance it. Best to you!! My prayers are with you!

K.

I feel for you. I'm going through something similar in the fact the in laws are ruining Christmas every year. I put my foot down this year. I'm not putting up with it. I've been miserable enough and instead I choose to enjoy this Christmas with my kids. You need to make sure that your husband understands the impact of all this on your kids. My 9 yr old no longer wants to celebrate Christmas with the other side of the family because they drink and he lost all respect for them for drinking on Christmas. I'm sorry, I wish I had more constructive advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this type of fight. Stick to your guns. I've been getting stomped on for 1/2 a dozen years or more in this fight but I'm done now. I have taken a stand and I won't back down. Don't let it happen to you. Take your stand before its too late. You'll grow to resent all involved if you suffer to long.

S.:

While you have been married to your husband for 11 years, it sounds like your husband has spent far more years with his abusive step father. There are so many issues here that I would strongly suggest that you get your husband and you to work through this with a counselor.

It is NEVER appropriate to use children as pawns and you and your husband need the support of a professional to get the strength to stop this. The kids will certainly wonder why Dad would be staying home with his Dad instead of going with you and that could potentially "ruin" their Christmas too.

You need to find some down time to speak with your husband rationally and calmly about your concerns. I would explain to him that you just cant be forced to deal with this any longer due to what it does to you emotionally. Also think about both of your health. Stress is not good for your health!! (ulcers, High blood pressure, alcoholism, etc.....)

I work in human resources and half the time even as an owner of a company I feel like I spend more time dealing w/ people's issues that need counseling than doing my job. (ESPECIALLY) at the most stressful time of the year, the holidays. Be strong, tell him what you want and why.

Good luck,

Hello! I really like the suggestion about the Sat. and Sun. before Christmas for different grandparents and the Thanksmas idea that Helen D. had. That seems like a peaceful solution.

What if you invite each of them over at a particular time on a particular day, for a brunch, or an early dinner or something like that, and then pack them something to take home with them, so that there is also a clear end to the visit. Create a time for them to give the childen gifts if they have them, and mention that this is their special visit with them, and their time to give your children gifts if they would like to.

I hope all goes well.:)

This is now about your kids - you and your husband need to come up with a plan, and unfortunatly, you need to find a way to make you husband see that this is not about him it is about you and him & the family you have made together - and if his parents cannot pull it together and make people feel as one big happy family - then they need to sit out untill they can. Our family just made a rule of no drinking at holiday events (i was a little bummed, but i am not the one who gets out of control) your kids do not need to feel the effects of the grandparents trying to out do the other. Good luck - my advice w/your hubby is to make the conversation all about his kids, not about how his parents make you feel - but what is will do to your kids... Again - Best of luck!

Hi I feel for you... any time alcoholism is involved it makes for a terrible mess. The only way to break the vicious circle is for some or all to get help. It's a tough step to take and usually the nondrinkers don't feel they need to but Alanon (the non-alcoholic side of AA) is great support. It offers help on how to take care of yourself and the other non-drinkers effected by the alcoholic. It also helps understand how the drinker thinks and acts and how not to get swallowed up by it. If you call your local AA they usually have a place to get some great reading material that can be a wonderful help if you can not attend meeting at Alanon. I suggest the book ~Of Course Your Angry. It helps justify a lot of feelings we sometimes are afraid to let out. Your husband may find comfort in the books too. There hundreds to choose from and they really do help to know how to deal with these situations. Your local library probably has many of the books or the school counselor where you work would probably have info too.
You do have the right to say NO to any or all the acoholics requests! You need to look out for your children and families well being. It's hard but i would never allow someone who has knowingly been an abuser even around my children. Over night NO WAY!!! You some how need to reason with your husband so to keep the peace with him. If he's used to the controling or manipulative way of his parents it may be hard for him to break free. Change is always scary even if it is good & healthy change.
Hope this helps...
K.

I agree about setting limits and protecting your children -- especially since they are all of the age where they will know something is going on but may not understand it -- nor should they, they're children!

Maybe talk with your hubby and see if they two of you can set limits (no alcohol, things get bad, you have a plan to deal with it, etc.) and talk with your FIL BEFORE he arrives and be firm. Let him know that if he cannot respect your house, your children, and your rules, than he will need to find someplace else to go.

As for your MIL, I agree with the mom who suggested gently inquiring about the differences in her stories.

Put your children first in this and hopefully some of the issues that really bother you won't be a factor. Good luck and let us know what you decide/how things go!

Congrats on your teaching job. I have read some of the response. Try talking to your husband about just you two and your kids celebrating x-mas at your family's. Other than that I would probabley just say !@#$ all three of them and take my kids and go myself. The kids do not need to be involved and you don't need the heartache!

Detach and look at them for what they are, dysfunctional. You wouldn't put up with this from a friend, you shouldn't from them. They can only affect your family as much as you and your husband allow them to. I would simply refuse to engage in their including you in their competition. I would say that if they want to talk about so and so, then they can talk to them directly. Also, I have had to set a rule in my own in law family; if you drink you are not welcome. And you are not allowed to stay in our house, nor are you allowed to EVER be alone with my kids. Good luck. Don't worry about hurting anyones feelings, your kids and family come first.

Short and Sweet. It is your duty as a mother to protect your children from such munipulation reguardless of what your husbands oppinions are. If he does not comply then spend christmas with a nutral person and don't invite him. Tell him your done playing the childish game and if he enjoys it so much then have his own christmas. Your husband seems to love the drama and does not seem to care if it effects your children let alone you. This might not be the answer you want to hear but if things like this are happening at holiday time I'm sure it is a year around game. The answer is in you. How much longer are you going to live like this before you are forced to be sturn and protect your children from all this. If you don't stop it now your children will think these actions are okay and might turn out the same way. What type of message do you want to send your children? Remember they deserve to have a normal family life. If that be with your husband is his choice. You do what you must to raise your kids. You might truely benifit from a support group like someone suggested. This way you will realize your not the only one in your shoes and can draw strenght from new friends.
You have some very big decisions to make before it's to late for your kids. My Prayers are with you.

I haven't been there, but my son was an alcoholic. T

I don't know if it will help you at all, but I went to some Al
anon meetings. It won't help you get anyone sober, but it WILL help you deal with it. There are several here in TH. The ones I attended are on Monday at 1:00 and Thurs. at 10:00. If you can't find info in the paper, call me at ###-###-####, and I'll hook you up if you're interested.

e