I'm at My Wits end.....HELP

Hi G.,
My son is now 4, as of Sunday. It took him until 3 1/2 to get it. We were potty training for what seemed like forever. We tried everything!!! Finally, he just started doing it. I think because they are aloud to control so little in their lives, they cling to this one thing they DO have control over. We just kept putting him in underwear and making him clean himself. It just clicked one day. The day that he finally did it, we took him to Monkey Joes as a reward. I think boys are just harder. Good luck

My oldest did that but to add to the frustration he would actually drop trow in the dining room and go on the floor. I would be like you know what you are doing, why??!!! One morning he just went on the toilet and never had an accident after that.

I would just say relax and accept it. I tried everything that was mentioned here. There was no rational reason why he did it but if you haven't noticed little kids are far from rational. He doesn't even remember it now.

G.,

My heart goes out to you; we are going through EXACTLY the same thing!! My best advice is just hang in there! My youngest is still working at it as well and one thing you can try is a reward system. I have assurances from a psychiatrist that it is NOT bribery if you only give the reward AFTER the successful behavior. :}

Here's what we're doing. My youngest LOVES chocolate so if he goes poop in the potty, he immediately gets an M&M. Then, he also gets a sticker on a special chart we made for our trip to Disney (all decorated with letters and Mickey stuff) that he can use to buy something special at MK. Each sticker is worth 25 cents.

So I suggest, gives sweets or something he likes for immediate gratification and then if there's a special toy or "big thing" your little man likes, promise him can have it when he "earns" enough stickers (cut the picture out of a catalog) and post it on a chart near the bathroom. Then he has a visual display of what he's done and what he's trying to reach (we all know men are visual creatures, lol!). Our OT told us this will help him to "see" why he should pay attention and do what you're asking. :}

Hope you like the plan, and also one thing I can share, I've found my little one often pees while he's trying to hold in the poop. It's like he can only focus on one at a time and the pee just leaks out. Sorry, too much info, but that may help with the frustration. :}

Good luck and hang in there!!
S.

Just keep being positive when he does well and try not to make a big deal out of the "accident." You might make sure he hears you tell someone how proud you are when he uses the potty. Some kids will do negative things because they get more attention than they do with positive behavior. Just make a point of praising the positive and not saying much over the negative. It may take a little while, but he'll figure it out.
I have bought favorite character underwear for my kids and if they poop in them I say well looks like these are trash now and throw them away rather than wash them out (yes this can get expensive)...I do remember telling my son that Bob (the Builder) gets sad when he gets pooped on, so be careful not to poop on Bob. I've also bought fun cartoon underwear and white boring ones, and if they poop in their pants they don't get to wear the fun ones, they have to wear the boring ones. After a good day of no accidents they get their fun undies back. All kids are different. Try to be positive and hang in there.

I'm in the middle of potty training my daughter, so I can't give advice "from the other side" but when I was researching potty seats that go on the toilet someone mentioned making sure they either have handles to hold on to or a stool to put their feet on while pooping...also, does he sit on the regular toilet seat and maybe he's afraid of falling in, or does he have a smaller seat? My daughter is all about the prizes right now and has been doing great the last few days when I got out nicer prizes than the dollar store variety (she wants to see them first before she sits on the toilet....it will just be fewer things at her birthday...I'd rather spread them out anyway. Good luck.,

I understand where you are coming from. I have a 3 1/2 year old who does the exact same thing. I ask him why and he says he thinks he's gonna fall in or he will when he gets bigger. I don't know what else to do, so hopefully someone will have good advise for you and I can follow it too. I am so glad you asked this question. Good Luck!

Leave him naked for a few days, with a small potty in the room. That is the ONLY way I trained my stubborn girl!

Wow, it sounds like you have done everything! But, this may be a long shot, but does he get privacy when he is on the potty? My daughter WILL NOT go poop if someone is in the bathroom or if the door is open, which makes sense to why kids that arent potty trained go into the other room to go. She just wont do it in front of anyone, which is ok with me but when she comes in and Im in there, I have to get out....lol. As far as the peeing his pants whenever, I would def be fed up too. But he will get it, I heard of kids almost being 4 before they completely do it. Good luck!!

My son was the exact same!!!! He would pee on the potty, but not poop. Then he went to visit my parents for a whole week by himself, he never had an accident. And they didn't even have to ask him if he needed to go. He would just get up and go to the bathroom. When he got home, we told him how proud we were of him for going poop on the potty! I think I even gave him a reward. Then 30 minutes after he was home, he pooped in his pants!! I couldn't believe it. I asked him why he pooped in his pants, when he hadn't at grandma & grandpa's for a whole week. He just calmly told me, "he didn't want to go poop on the potty at home!"

I can't tell you if anything I did made him change (rewards, taking toys away, sticker charts, etc.). I just think he decided he wanted to go potty at home and did. He is very strong-willed!!! So maybe just letting it go for a few weeks without asking him about it. Maybe then he will decide on his own to go. Who knows. If you figure it out, you could probably make millions on a book!!

Keep encouraging,praising, and rewarding. Try giving him a stool for his feet to make it easier to poop. Read the potty books. Then, just wait. It took all 3 of my children (one boy) longer to get the hang of pooping on the potty than peeing. Then, one day, it just happened. I wouldn't worry too much about it until he is 4.

Good luck!

It seems that the oddest suggestions always work the best. Here's mine:

Go on a trip.

My oldest was 3 and a half. We had the peeing part down pat, but he had no interest in pooing in the toilet. Little one was 2. Took them to the grandparents for a week. They were very excited about the toilet in their bathroom (elongated bowl, easier to sit on the edge of). After that, it was a breeze.

my son's pediatrician says boys just figure this stuff out later and actually told me my son might not be toilet trained til he was four years old which had me in panic as was trying to have him ready one month after his third bday so could move him to private school for oldest, Kindergarten
having said that, the important thing is to be calm and relaxed about the event. we tried stickers and skittles for reward and praise just to jump start this.

another idea I read about is to have the favored stuff animal pee and poop on the toilet or the training stool.
another idea is to get DVDs videos at library and books and insert casually into the daily reading and viewing material.
I really don't know what made him pop. we did use a variation of toilet training in a day (buyt did it over weekend since we both work) but we had to do it four times. but three of those times I knew he was not ready his daycare was just really really wanting him to go
i also am not sure the daycare trying to toilet train him at 2.5 years (when he was not yet ready) may have lengthened the time..they say if you force it they will get stubborn and you therefore shoot self in the foot and elongate the time it takes to use toilet.

T Berry Brazelton has an excellent book on potty learning that emphasizes that this is a big achievement and kids need to own it. When you make too much out of how much YOU want it, it takes that away from them. He says that rewards can actually backfire. My dd wouldn't poop in the potty till after her 3rd birthday. The most helpful thing I found for encouraging her was NOTHING. Maybe just a little, "Oh, you used the potty. Good job."

I think it's not uncommon for kids to be physically ready to potty well before they're emotionally ready. But, every normal kid will get it sooner or later. I think of it as like riding a bike down a gentle hill. You can pedal as hard as you can to go faster, you can brake and try to stop it, or you can coast on down. Why work harder than you have to?

I understand your frustration very well. I have two that have issues like you are facing one is a girl and one a boy. I also have 3 others both genders that have been just fine. There could be medical issues that you should never over look. However, if they are showing signs of success and then just stop, it is probably a choice thing. I have heard you can't force a child to do two things. One eat the other go potty in the toilet. I have tried everything from having them clean it up, to incentives, and privlages taken away. One has had issue up to age 8, we even checked out all the medical possibilites.

I would recommend staying strong, consistant, and as much as possible calm. With the 4 year old girl we finally went back to diapers, when I felt calm enough we talked about potty training again and I left it up to her. We set standards about when she could wear underwear and what she had to do to earn it. Each day I would ask "Are we potty training today?" If she made an effort she got to wear underware, if not back to diapers. It took a little over a month for her to decide she doesn't want to wear diapers. I also have to be very aware of stressers that lead to her having an accident.

With the almost 8 year old, I was at my wits end, I just kept trying everything I could think of over and over, finally I said the right thing for him at the right time and he is choosing to be sure to keep clean. Same concept as above really. I held him to a standard he was treated big when he acted big. I wish I knew why it took so long or what I could have done better but love works best and not backing down on your standard is key. Best of luck keep smiling.

Jo W

With my first two, who were 12 months apart, I did many of the same mistakes and one was to punish for potty training. I don't think they should wash out their own pants or clean up the mess or even be punished but it should be a time of learning just like any other learning event. I did use stickers, small treats like a miniature marshmallow or something small like that. I did find that boys especially are hard to train with the bowels. I'd read that they think it is part of them or other things similar and laughed at it until I actually heard a couple say it and then I understood it. My grandson that I potty trained last year made a comment about it and you can't understand why but they seem to almost fear going like part of them is going down when it's flushed. Maybe he is feeling that sort of thing. Whatever, I would definitely take him every 15 min. like in the beginning of training and consistently do that with rewards and praise and maybe promise of something in the end when he is doing both all the time and see if that works. Don't give up but you may need to take over taking him regularly and consistently. Set a timer if you need to and take him or remind him that way.
I hope you will just start over with the training and I'm sure it will work if you keep at it. It should only take a day or so since he can stay dry. But make a fun thing and show him you're proud of him.

Potty training is sooo tough. My youngest son finally potty trained about 3 1/2 but would go hide to poop in his pants. He is 24 now and don't recall the turning point but was so glad when he went on the toilet. My grandson is 4 1/2 and still will pee his pants occasionally. I really got upset with him one time when he pulled his pants down and peed on the bathroom floor. It filled the entire floor. I got a rag and told him to clean it up again and not ever to do it again. So far he hasn't.

I have 3 kids, the first 2 are boys both of whom i have gone through potty training with. This is completely how my boys were, too. I would say from experience and from things that I have read, don't punish him for pooping in his pants. Create (or you can buy em) a reward sticker chart. Heck, I've just taken a blank piece of printer paper and that was the chart, doesn't have to be fancy. Do something like every day he has clean pants then he gets a sticker, my boys always loved to pick out their sticker and put it on the chart. Then after so many stickers, you take him to the dollar store and he can pick out his own toy (like $5 or under). Also, I have bought many potty books geared towards children. Read them at least once every day. Some of my favs are what to expect when you go potty, everyone poops. There are many others, search barnes & noble online they usually ship for free if you purchase $25 or more. Good luck and feel free to contact me again if you'd like! :) Don't worry, he will poop on the toilet..it will happen!

Have you tried any type of rewards system, like a sticker chart? My son wouldn't poop in the potty at first either. That part took about a week or two longer. He seemed scared of it. He would always ask for a diaper and then poop in that. I would let him, but invited him into the bathroom to do it. Then we would empty the poop in the potty and I would say, see poop goes in the potty, and let him flush it down. I understand it can be frustrating, but I wouldn't make him clean the poop up himself, or scold him. That may only delay his progress. Try to keep a positive attitude, and encourge him. My son loved the high-five sticker chart they started at daycare, so we did one at home too! It had his handprint on it, and whenever he went potty he could put a sticker on it. We chose car stickers because he loves cars! He got high-five's whenever he kept his undies dry. Anyway, not sure if that will work in your situation, I know all kids are different, and some potty train before others! Hang in there!