I Wish I Were a Bigger Person Rather than to Get Wrapped up in This Stuff

Hi S.,

You aren't the only parent who is somewhat aware of what's going on with whom in your child's world. From time to time, I think we all wish we were bigger people when it comes to our reactions/responses to what others do.:)

I have to say, there have been times my heart was hurt a little bit for my little guy. That said, I try to take it with a whole shaker of salt if need be. Parents have their 'buddy parents' who they are more likely to invite. I am actually in favor of the smaller gathering, so I understand when we are also left out. (I never mention it to my son, who is five, and will someday soon be more aware of these things.)

I'd say the times it most stings is when playdates with kids who my son just adores aren't reciprocated. While it's a temporary hurdle, I really try to let it go. I just can't spend my time trying to wonder what's going through that parent's mind or suss through their situation. They'll call if they're interested... or not.

Maybe it's easier because I'm not on Facebook? I don't see what everyone else is doing and posting and so it bothers me much less because I'm not regularly exposed to it.

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I do understand where you're coming from but I personally wouldn't notice one way or the other so I can understand where the other mom is coming from in that she probably lost track.

I have 4 kids and at least once a week have a conversation with someone and have no idea who I'm talking to. These are people who know me by first name and know my kids. I don't recall us ever meeting or chatting before and yet there I am, in the midst of a conversation where they're telling me something funny about one of my kids. Last week someone complimented me on how polite my 8-year-old son was when he was at her house recently and I literally had no idea who she was, who her kid was, where she lived or that my son had been there at all (my husband had handled this one on a day I worked late).

So with that in mind, I can tell you that I have no idea whose birthday parties my kids have gone to (I do know that among the 4 of them they have gone to 11 parties in the past month alone), who they're still friends with etc. and the guest list to their own parties will be based on who they are friends with at the time and how many we can accommodate, not who we owe an invitation to.

So if I were you, i would just assume that the other parents are as flaky as I am when it comes to their kids' social lives and assume that it wasn't personal.

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Oh my gosh... I SO have moments like this. I wish I didn't feel this way over these things either, but I do. I particularly get this way when it involves my child. I tend to let it roll off my back when I'm left out, but I get upset when it's my girl that is left out. I honestly think it's a mama bear thing more than a petty thing. I'm sorry that happened. :(

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Hey, you're human. You know that it's a "keeping score" thing - you said it. You've also said flat out that you're only saying it here. You're saying it not just because you're peeved, but because you're a bit hurt. AND you're hurt for your daughter.

It's okay in my book for you to air your pain here. The difference in you and others is that they don't preface their original post with the knowledge that it's something they are ashamed of, and you have. Good for you.

Sometimes just talking about it makes you feel better.

D.

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I think a lot of us ,all have moments where we feel we've been left out , invitations haven't been reciprocated & it stings more when it involves our children. You seem very self-aware , that you were being somewhat petty & that's the 1st step in correcting the behavior. So, No, I don't think you're the only person that keeps score.

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I think we all have moments of feelings like these.

I know I do. I am not proud of it, but I cant help what I feel you know? And when something is right in front of your face like that it's hard not to feel things like that.

I understand what you mean.

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This is your opportunity!!!!

Excellent! Not every day you get to practice how to not keep score - so this is wonderful news!

You get to choose who you are, every day. You can make that choice. Be the person you know you can be - the one that does the right thing!

Knowing the right thing to do is easy - the hard part is actually doing it.

But this is a great opportunity - rise above! Take the high road!

You can do eeeeet! :)

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I'm sure many people will say you shouldn't even care etc but yes, I notice these things too and would question it. I'm happy to say I wouldn't waste a lot of time on it and instead would make a mental note about whether this girl was invited to another one of our parties bc that's really all I can do. But I do think there's somethign to be said for reciprocity... I at least take into account whether or not the family has no money for big parties or something like that. Or if they host other things. ie: we didn't invite a girl my daughter is on and off friends with but we'd gone to her bday party. I had a strict limit on the # of kids and 1 more meant hiring an assistant for something like $250. I had to draw the line somewhere. But we have them over a lot more to our house otherwise when the girls are in friends mode. So I feel like I reciprocate in a different way. But if none of these types of circumstances apply, I'm with you on being annoyed!

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I think you stated pretty clearly that you don't go around the neighborhood or school making a stink about this. That you DO handle it like a grown up.
It is possilbe to act maturely even if you are hurt.

So to answer your questions, Yup. stuff like this happens to me sometimes, it bugs me but usually something else comes along that bugs me more.

It' super sucks when it is flaunted in your face. It would be less of a hurt to me if it was just something that was mentioned by accident, but when you see pictures etc it makes the hurt bigger.

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It's not a competition so what is their to keep score of?

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No I don't keep score.
I have three kids and it would not have been realistic to invite every friend to every party, let alone, every friend who invited THEM to their parties.
Each year I would say you can invite X number of friends, who do you want to invite?
Their friendships usually changed a lot from year to year, depending on who's class they happened to be in (not to mention outside friends, from soccer, swim team, etc.)
I certainly never took any of it personally, and on the rare occasion one of my kids felt sad for being left out (usually when they were much younger) they got over it quickly enough.

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I recently had to limit the # of guests at my son's party because of a big vacation we are taking this summer and financially we could not afford a huge party. My son was invited to over 10 parties this year but only invited 4 kids to his. I wasn't going to change our vacation or go broke over it. I even posted a question about it here becasue I felt really bad, but everyone felt it was the right thing to do which was helpful in making my decision. So...maybe the situation was similar. The point is, we don't always know people's circumstances and we should really try to assume the best in people unless we know, for a fact, otherwise.

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When people's posts on FB start rubbing me the wrong way, that is when I take a break from it for a while. Sometimes it is better to just not know everyone else's business, you know!
There could be a lot of legit reasons why your daughter was not invited. Off the top pf my head-
The host had a cap on how many friends that could be invited, based on cost (pool entrance fee, cost of food, number of invitations that came in a package, etc.)
The host had a cap on how many friends that could be invited due to transportation (how many kids could fit in the van)
The host put a cap on how many friends that could be invited based on what she could handle without stressing out
Try not to take it personally and consider stepping away from the Facebook for a while, that really usually does the trick for me when I get irked.

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I totally understand! My daughter was recently snubbed (as I posted on here) by her best friend for a party at the girl's house -- every other friend was invited from my daughter's circle. In my case, I believe it was a deliberate snub, and the mom posted on Facebook as well. Could it be there was a limit to the number of children the family could invite? I know we've had times when my kids were invited to a party that had the whole class, but that year we would have a party that had a limit and we could not reciprocate.

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Frankly, I have a hard time keeping track of school friendships. It seems like they can change from week to week. I did my best to make an invite list for my son's birthday and hope I didn't make any social faux pas.

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Two things to focus on:

1. Do not take things personally.
2. Do not make assumptions.

If I struggle with something like this, I imagine all the possible alternative scenarios. If I was the other mother, I would interpret your "like" as sincere. Find a way to let go!

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Of course it grates you...why shouldn't it? You live by certain standards of social graces. Don't lower them for anyone! I don't think its petty at all. When you invite someone to your kid's birthday party, its kind of hard to not notice that your child wasn't invited to their child's party. Petty would be if you were mean to them or avoided them because of this.

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Don't worry you are not alone. That kind of thing irritates me too. As a matter of fact I am in a similiar situation right now.

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Expectations are never a good thing. You are supposed to invite people to celebrate with you because you want them there, not because you expect an invitation back. It doesn't work that way, and yes, it's happened to us. There was probably a good reason for it. I've learned, as a mom, to be understanding & flexible & not jump to conclusions & make it all about me.

This is one of my many complaints about FB - certain personalities will create drama about something they never would've seen or known about if FB didn't exist. If you are insecure, and looking to be insulted, then you will find a way to accomplish that by digging for it until you find it. The other mom is not responsible for your feelings & had no reason to hide it from you. Why would she? We're all mature adults here, right?

Yet another reason I am over FB & am getting ready to delete mine. Too much assumption, perception of things that don't exist, imagined situations, the list goes on & on. FB doesn't = real life. What you see isn't often what the reality is.

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Why not assume the best? Maybe she was responsible for the safety of the kids in the pool, so she told her daughter "you can invite 3 people" and she invited the friends she saw most recently? Or maybe she had to pay for them all and the same thing went down? Or your invitation was lost on the mail? Or you were supposed to see it in "events" and didn't? Or....something.

So, no, I don't keep score. Sometimes my feelings get hurt, but I am old enough to know that's almost always about me - and expecting someone to prioritize me when that may be unreasonable. People who don't want me or my kids around wouldn't come to our house for a party, so I don't assume they're being mean when they don't do it-for-tat birthday invitations.

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I don't have to worry about it too much because my son's don't get invited to many partys. My oldest has started to get invited to more lately and I try to make sure if he goes to the party that we invite them to his. With my youngest he got invited to one party last year and didn't get to go and when he had a party non of his friends came. Granted it was like the first week of summer and most were out of town but it's frustrating either way!!!

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What Hazel said.

Sometimes it's best not to look at Facebook too closely.

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This is exactly why we never extended invitations to classmates and keep them only to close friends and family. If it's acquaintances or situations such as you're describing there isn't any obligation at all to reciprocate because of personal situations that might prohibit it.

I understand feeling disappointed for your child when she isn't invited to a party. But to be honest, you are going to be disappointed/angry a lot if you expect reciprocal party invitations. There are a few things at play here. For one, some parties are limited in size so kids have to really decide which friends to invite. In addition, it isn't unheard of for young children to frequently change who their "friends" are. They might have one or two best friends that don't change, but other friends might be determined on a daily basis (e.g. whichever kids they played with at recess are the kids they think of when making their guest list).

In the case you mentioned, was your daughter even aware of the party? If your child doesn't even know, I would completely let it go. If she does know, is she even bothered by it? There have been a few instances where I was bummed when my daughter didn't get invited somewhere, but she didn't really care. I think there has only been one case where she was really upset about missing a party. That time the birthday child told my daughter about the party and said she was invited. Then later they got in a fight and my daughter was told she wasn't invited anymore. Since the fight happened right before the party (when her friend chose who to invite), my daughter really wasn't invited. However, she and the girl were friends again by the next day. My point is you need to take each invitation slight with a grain of salt. Let your daughter be disappointed, but try not to get too bogged down by keeping "score".

Was it you or your daughter who was disappointed for not being invited? You said it didn't look like a big party. Maybe the other mother limited her child on how many friends could be invited (sometimes these things cost money that not everyone has), so maybe the friend had to choose who came? I'm sure the other mother was not trying to spite you, but you are also entitled to your feelings :)

I don't know about the rest, but I don't keep "score." I don't FB either so I would never know about a party my GD was not invited to. But really I wouldn't care. She goes to enough parties; she doesn't need to be invited to them all; I NEVER take any of this personally.

I think it's ridiculous to get so involved in your kid's social life. If you're this involved now and your feelings are hurt, wait until she's older. You'll be grey way before your time if you don't stay out of her social life!

That's one of the probs with FB... always knowing what everyone else "appears" to be doing.
Please don't let it get to ya.
There will be plenty of parties in your daughter's future. We all get our time eventually.
It is easy to get caught up in that "keeping track" thing. I do it in my daily life with tenant issues that I have. Trying not to take something personal is hard, you have to set your mind and finally convince yourself that "it really doesnt matter".
Tomorrow is a new day, always.

I have the opposite problem. When it comes to my children's birthday parties we try to keep it very low key. (My daughter's birthday is a week after Christmas). I try to be considerate that most of her friends from school (while many of the parents make twice what I do) are still on Christmas break and their parents have just dished out a lot of money on Christmas. She turned six this year and we invited her best girlfriend from school and her family over for dinner.

Throughout the school year, we have gotten about 6 invitations for birthday parties from her Kindergarten class. We went to one (her best girlfriends). The others unfortunately we had scheduling conflicts and couldn't go; but at the same time I knew I couldn't afford to send her to every child in the class's birthday parties. We chose to let her choose 3 that were her "closest" friends and go from there.

Yes, I would be hurt too if we had invited children, but they hadn't invited my daughter. (My son is 4 so we are still doing family and extended family). Since we haven't gotten into the big party thing yet, especially because her birthday is so close to Christmas, I am not a big help. You are human and trying to protect your daughter from the hurtful outside world. Good for you!!

Hi, S.:

Your question is very important. We are affected by what happens to us. We have our senses which in turn triggers our feelings.
One of the things we need to remember: If we are affected by something, we need to respond.

When you were affected by what you saw on FB, you needed to respond.
Here is the format to respond:

1. Tell her what you thought when you realized what had happened.
2. Tell her the impact this incident had on you and others.
3. Tell her what the hardest thing has been for you.
4. Tell her what you think needs to happen to make things right?

To prevent gossip, telling her is the key.

One thing, you are not keeping score, you are feeling rejected. Feeling ashamed of your feelings is not necessary. Feelings are a guide to protect your self-esteem.

Good luck.
D.