I Wish I Knew How to Shut My Mouth!!!!

I tend to over share too. I've been teaching myself to take a deep breath before speaking. I still over share, but I've cut down on it a lot. Usually once I take the deep breath, I just keep my mouth shut.

Part of it is caused by being lonely. You say you wish you had friends, when you have no one to talk to for days on end and then have someone to talk to -- you will talk and talk.
I catch myself doing the same thing. It's okay people who honestly love you understand.

ehh i often dont know when to shut up and divulge too much or say comments that make people either laugh with M. or look at M. like i have a 3rd head.

i'd J. be myself if i was you and look for people that love you for that

I once had a problem of telling too much about myself. I was told more than once by friends that I'd given too much information. For many reasons I started in counseling and learned that I didn't have good boundaries. It took me many years to understand what that meant.

Keeping personal information personal is a boundary. I started to monitor what I said. Before I started talking I asked myself if this info was needed. It helped that friends would tell me when I was telling them more than they wanted to know.

Sounds like in these incidents that you told too much to defend what you first said. You felt uncomfortable after the first statement. Take that as a clue to stop and think before you say more.

It also sounds like you're trying too hard to get people to like you. I know that feeling. I suggest that you find ways to realize that you are likeable just the way you are. You don't have to work to get people to like you. You can be yourself. Counseling helped me feel more confident so that I didn't automatically say too much.

While you get all this worked out act as if you're confident and know that they like you. The act will help you gradually feel more that way. When you have the urge to chatter on, tell yourself to stop. At first you'll feel uncomfortable but you will come to know that you're OK and don't need to say more.

Later: Reading Mira's response reminded me about Toast Masters. My daughter joined and loves it. She made friends and she gained self-confidence. I could see a really good change in her. She, too, tended to talk too much because she felt uncomfortable and needed to fill space. Conversations with her are now much more fun. She, herself, gives Toast Masters much of the credit.

I"m seeing posts basically saying "Just be yourself" and "they're jealous of you" but I would take another route: I think you're smart to be self-aware and willing to work on what you recognize as a potential problem in the way you relate to people.

While it is probably a fundamental part of your personality to be plain-spoken, it does not have to veer off into blurting out things as you describe. You can still "be yourself" but learn how to put some brakes on your comments, especially around those who are not close friends who know you well.

You do sound like you are craving acceptance by a specific group of women and want to change your ways to get them to accept you. Make sure your motivation isn't just to get acceptance from these women but to learn to speak to others -- all others -- with just a little more consideration all the time.

I agree with the person who said that she is learning to take a deep breath before speaking; that is a great start. You also can learn a mantra to repeat over and over in your head when a conversation starts: "Listen first." Then do just that -- resist the urge to become part of the conversation until you have truly listened to what others are saying. Try first responding to their comments rather than making pronouncements about your own opinions. Phrases like "I get what you mean" or "I sure see where you're coming from" can make others feel validated. You should have your opinions, of course, but also be sure that you are acknowledging what others say, and be sure to ask others questions about themselves and their lives: "How is Billy this week? He had a cold last week, right?" "I know you're heading off on vacation next month; I hope you have a great trip!" and so on. Do it out of sincere interest and folks will recognize that.

Keep a balance; don't lie or fake interest in people, but do almost literally hold your tongue, and think, how can I affirm this person or ask about her own life before I give my thoughts?

I guess I'm on the side of "good for you, yes, do work on the tendency to blurt" because if you work outside the home, or plan to in the future, going with the "be yourself all the tiime and say whatever, whenever" plan is not a good one in the working world. It also can cost you with friends and relatives, never mind strangers whom you want to impress.

i don't agree with those who say 'they're just jealous.' i think it's awesome that you're reflective and self-aware enough to realize that some of your traits are annoying, and to want to want to work on them.
good for you!
for starters, NO one thinks they're wealthy. i was talking to a (very wealthy) friend of mine who was complaining about how much she'd just spent at costco. my stupid reveal-everything-i-think face must have shown my reaction, because she grinned at me and said 'S., no matter how much you make, you can spend up to it!'
250K is wealthy, no matter where you are. that's NOTHING to be ashamed of. no one needs to apologize for success. but you must realize, my dear, that when you say that 250K is not rich to someone who makes 50K, it's going to cause some eye-rolling. it doesn't mean they're jealous. it just means they think you're clueless.
and you kinda are. in a very sweet, inoffensive, delightful way.
the over-sharing is a different pot of tea. i must say, one of my own personal peeves is an absolute inability to spend much time in the company of people who feel the need to talk about themselves endlessly. i don't for a minute think you're really self-absorbed. your very post here indicates the opposite. but IRL that's still how you come across. being talkative is one thing. even rather taciturn folks like me can have very very loquacious friends, but what makes it work (for me) is that the conversation is never self-centered. so don't rein in your voluble nature. it's you! embrace it! just make sure that in your flow of conversation you are a) not talking about yourself and b) making plenty of time in the flow to allow participation. the one thing that will turn me off no matter how interesting the topic is if i'm not allowed to participate.
sometimes over-sharing can be a way to create false intimacy. just watch out for that too. don't give out deep dark secrets or details of your inner psyche too soon. that makes people very uncomfortable. there's a time and place and degree of comfort that will allow deep sharing.
i'll bet you're fun and a real sweetheart. just put a light filter over your chops and the moms in your circle will fall in love with you.
:) khairete
S.

A part of being a good conversationalist is being a good listener.
You have to give others a chance to get a word in and then there is a balance and flow to a conversation - and listening helps you gauge your responses.
If you feel you have a tendency to chatter on, practice being brief - state a sentence or two, then pause and await a response.
All you needed to say was '250k goes farther in some places than in others.'.
Don't put yourself down - we all do/say stupid things from time to time.
We all want to be liked but there is such a thing as trying too hard.

You sound sweet and bubbly and fun. Nothing to be ashamed of at all.

And, I have a really, really strange and random idea.

There's this group called Toastmasters, for people who are afraid of public speaking. That's not you -- I get that -- but could you join just to work on your active listening skills? Tell them, "I'm fine with public speaking, but I need to work on being a good audience." I can't say for sure they'd let you, but it sounds like it could be a great fit. Then, while all everyone else is giving their practice speeches, you get to practice being an exemplary listener. Saying things like, "That was fascinating. Can you tell me more about it?" And, "I loved what you were saying, but I think you sort of lost me toward the end. Could you explain more about X?" The key is not to tell them anything about yourself, or even to give your opinion, it's to work on being an exemplary listener, and catcher of nonverbal cues.

The secret is, everyone really wants to talk about themselves. All you have to do is get someone to tell a story they really like telling, and act really interested, and presto -- you've got a friend.

I'm sure you know this, but it's a pep talk I give myself in social gatherings. I'm ridiculously shy, especially in groups, and I have to just remind myself to focus on what other people are saying, and ask simple questions, or otherwise I'm literally frozen on the spot. You sound a lot like me, honestly, with similar anxieties, only instead of freezing, you go into conversational overdrive. But the solution might be just about the same.

I live in Massachusetts and I know what you mean about money not going very far. We both work and do not make anywhere near $250K and while we live in a supposedly "rich" town it just means that our taxes are sky high and our house was expensive and we drive 12 & 13 year old paid of cars and the "great schools" have not been supporting my dyslexic child so we have had lots of expenses with that as well.
As far as talking so much, just be careful that you do not come off as a nervous chatterer who talks about anything and everything but does not see other people's eyes glazing over with lack of interest and might be perceived as blabbing whatever you hear to others. I know some who will overpower a conversation with non-stop details about their life, and jump in again the minute someone else mentions anything, and that just gets uninteresting - we all want to connect not just hear a wall of sound. I would advise you to consciously take a break when speaking, really just say one sentence and let there be space and bite your tongue with a smile on your face looking around to invite others to speak up. Most people are uncomfortable with empty conversational space and will fill in, if they do not it was not a conversation but a monologue on your part.
However, I do have one girlfriend when we get together we both talk a lot, but it is still give-and-take, but a third party would not get a word in edgewise. So judge who your audience is and act accordingly. I do not share personal details with the people I wait in line with and happen to chat with but with a mom in my house who is coming to pick up her child and we are friends it is a different story.

Rttt,

You've learned a valuable thing about yourself. I have one observation and one suggestion.

The observation: it seems you are responding rather defensively to people and explaining yourself. You might want to figure out why you feel you need to do this. I don't mean to be rude, but unless you are emotionally involved with another person, lighten up on yourself in your need for their validation. Maybe talk to a counselor about this, too. What do you need to prove to others?

The suggestion: adopt a neutral way to acknowledge another person's statement instead of trying to counter it or make other people 'feel' a certain way. I like "Hmmmm" as a signal for "I'm listening to you and taking it all in". For example, another person's stating their wish to dress up is a reflection of what *they* are feeling. You don't have to fix that or diminish yourself. Maybe they choose not to get up early to dress up? Do you see what I'm saying? Their comment had nothing to do with you.

And yes, do not mention money. Ever. You may not consider yourself rich, but I can assure you-- it is all relative. I can understand why people were offended by that comment. Compared to the average Joe, people making money in those higher-income brackets have something that many others do not: options. For instance, would you have been offended if someone had suggested back to you "well, if Massachusetts is too rich for your blood, you have the option of moving, something a lot of people do not have a choice in?" Being *aware* that you are doing well in life means not complaining about it to others. "Fair" is very subjective and for what it's worth, unless you are comparing prices on milk at the stores, bringing up money is like mentioning politics or religion-- not advised in mixed company.

But do find out why you feel you need to justify yourself. I used to be a non-stop talker and have found a lovely place in life doing more reflective listening and finding out about other people by asking them open-ended questions when they speak. "Oh, tell me more about that?" puts the attention back on them. You will gain more insight into others and how they feel, and this will help you to be more wise and considerate in your interactions.

The problem is not what you say but what people attribute that to. People will always attribute your motives to be why they would say the same thing. So if they would be bragging to say they make 250,000 a year then they will see you as bragging.

I would look at what you said without raising an eyebrow. I am damn near Vulcan. Everything I say regardless of how passionate I sound is pure data, pure fact. My passion is that I believe in the facts not that I find the facts impressive. I have a fair few friends but mostly because they got to know me instead of someone I am not. I hear oh, that is just J. a lot, I am okay with that it just means they understand me.

I think you should stop worrying about being someone you are not and just be who you are.

I agree with others... don't be so h*** o* yourself. I would be willing to bet that there are others in your circle that feel the same way about themselves. We all say silly things or things that don't come out the way we meant them.

I would practice listening to what other people say and thinking of questions that you can ask them about what they are talking about. Sometimes we try to fit in by talking about ourselves to relate to what other people say, when people actually connect more if you seem genuinely interested in what they are saying to you. Take a breath. I recently saw a sign that said "T.H.I.N.K.
Is it True; is it Helpful; is it Inspiring; is it Necessary; is it Kind. I love that, because if you do take a minute to think before you speak, you're less likely to say the "wrong" thing that makes you second guess yourself.

If you do say something that you think someone could take the wrong way, you can say... "oh, I didn't mean that the way it came out" and then back up and explain if you feel like you need to clarify. Chances are they didn't take it negatively, but you'll feel better doing this than going home and perseverating about what they thought and how you said whatever it was.

I find chit chat to be exhausting. I don't feel like I'm good at it and I never know what to say to people. I do much better meeting people one on one and having deeper conversations. Maybe that's a better way for you too... I'm sure you're a lovely person and the "stupid" things you say are really just you being self conscious.

Good luck~

Don't beat yourself up so much. What is important is that you find friends who like the way you are. Not find people who you have to change yourself in order to be liked.

Sure, it's good to temper yourself. But you just can't change your whole personality. And dress as you like to dress and be HAPPY, for heaven's sake, that you look 26. The day that someone says that they think you are 50 will be a tough day for you. You will at one point in your life find that most of your friends are younger than you.

I guess the best thing you can do as far as how to "keep your mouth shut" is remember to listen to what others say. If you are intent on listening, then you aren't thinking about what YOU want to say next. It kind of takes the pressure off of you to "perform". How does that sound?

Dawn

You are who you are. Love yourself for you. True friends will see through any of your faults and love you for the person you are. My advice to you is to take a little more time when speaking and maybe that will prompt you to think before you speak.Either way, be who you are, and the right people will come along to like you and accept you as you are. Don't be h*** o* yourself! We all have things we don't like about ourselves. Good luck!

You don't always need to return a comment to something someone may have said to you as a compliment or not. You could just practice listening. What the women said about your appearance didn't require a response. Try to decide if what someone says really needs an explanation. Ask the other women things that interest them and about their families and that way its not always about you. I would avoid subjects like money, religion and politics.

I don't mind people sharing as long as it doesn't involve me painting a picture in my head of something I don't care to imagine like your trip to the gynecologist and you telling me every detail not leaving anything out.

I think that if someone would want to be your friend, they would accept you as you are. You shouldn't have to try that hard to fit in. People who talk down to you or make you feel stupid aren't people to associate with.

I have inserted foot in mouth many times. its usually the words just flow right out before my brain did anything at all. I am introverted and its nice to have someone like you to talk to because I am terrible at starting conversation. When I do try to start conversations, people look at me weird or they don't hear me.

You should always be careful about your political comments, unless you are sure about the political beliefs of the people you're with.

As far as talking too much the rest of the time and sharing too much personal information -- don't worry about it. Some people will like it, some people won't. No personality type is right for everyone. Some people will probably think it's kind of cute, as long as it's done in a friendly way.

If you think you talk too much and put your foot in your mouth, just work on keeping it shut a little more. Do you ever ask people questions about themselves? Maybe people are reacting to you always talking about yourself, instead of being interested in others. People don't usually like people who show no interest in them.

But other than that, don't worry about it. You can't please everyone, and you shouldn't have to. Just be yourself, but continue to make improvements. We should all do that, all the time.

And I'm glad you don't agree that "they're just jealous." That is the most obnoxious thing that anyone can ever think, and your husband is wrong about that. There are stunningly beautiful people whom everyone loves, so it's rarely "jealousy."

I'm going to throw out a different answer here, which is pure speculation on my part: Maybe you are re-living an old dynamic with your mom? Is she harsh or critical with you by any chance? Perhaps subconsciously you are trying over and over again to get her unconditional love (via friends and acquaintances) no matter WHAT you say.

It's my theory that women who have more difficult relationships with their moms have tough times with women friendships too (unless they have really worked on their own feelings, in which case there is not as much of a problem).

I could be completely off base - just food for thought.

My other idea would be that you don't have as much of a "filter" as some people. That's easy to work on.

Good luck and hang in there! I bet you're a fun and interesting person.

I have known plenty of people who seem to have "no filter", meaning that anything that pops into their mind comes out of their mouth.

I have a neighbor who I like very much, but she has no filter. She often says things that lead me to say, "Okay...time for me to go home now". It's not even about politics, but she calls me June Cleaver and now and then gives me a bad time about being proper and living a quiet life. I'm not going to change. I'm still raising a kid, I don't party. I need my sleep. I owe her no explanations. She apologizes to me, but some days, I just can't take her.

I heard a saying once....God gave us teeth so that we can bite our tongues.

It seems that you want to be liked so much that you will say things in order to interject and be heard. I will tell you the same thing I always told my kids......Think before you say and think before you do. It's not bad advice especially if you tend to let things slip out. Practice thinking before you say.

My mom has a saying that some people only talk to hear their own brains rattle. I think that means just saying anything to be part of a conversation whether you are actually offering anything to the conversation or not.

Also, some conversations should be off limits.
Politics
How much money you make
How much your house is worth
How much things you own cost

I know some truly wealthy people and they would never discuss any of that.
Ever.

If you really want to make friends, watch what you say and spend more time listening to what others say. Engage them. Don't get into comparing what they have or what you have. Things and objects are possessions.
They do not define us as people, as humans, as friends.

I wonder if subconsciously, you think things you blurt out will make you fit in or be liked.

Rich or poor, people gravitate to those who are genuine.
Just genuinely be yourself. Your things don't define you.
Everyone knows that politics is a subject left undiscussed if you don't want it to affect your friendships.

Depending on the situation and surroundings and circumstances, some things are better left unsaid. You don't have to offer a challenge to every circumstance.

Just my opinion.

I haven't read the other answers, but I want to tell you that I really appreciate people like you! I am totally introverted, so when someone with a bubbly and chatty personality comes over to talk to me, I love it! I don't feel like I have to agree with what they are saying. I just love to listen to them talk so I don't have to come up with conversation topics.

I have a friend like you who says what is on her mind all the time. She doesn't mean to offend people, but she does on occasion. That is just the casualty of having an open and outgoing personality. She still has plenty of friends and enjoys her life. I love it when she comes to any of our friend gatherings, because she is great at breaking the ice and making the conversation lively.

I have no advice on how you can keep your mouth shut. More active listening? Just know that some people are really grateful for people who aren't shy about saying what's on their mind :-)

Well, those women are saying stupid things to put you down. Women, in general, are insecure and no one feels like they fit in. They are always judging people, so they assume YOU are judging them. You are not insensitive, so don't feel bad about yourself.

I was/am one of those. I don't care. Honestly, to my core, I could care less. I am who I am without apology. I have a GREAT life because I make choices, rather than excuses. Have I said that? Um, yeah. Often? Nope.

If you WANT to fit in, then just respond with "oh". No one can say anything to that. We all think of clever things we could've said, about 5 minutes too late. Dang it! LOL

Your husband is right, they are jealous. You have many things they think they want/need to be happy. Love you for you FIRST. Your husband obviously does, he chose YOU, and for who you are with everything in that wonderful package that is you.

Bullies come in all shapes, sizes, and ages. They were picking on you because they can. If you love yourself, and have confidence in yourself, they can't get to you. You weren't trying to brag about things, if you were, the tone of it would be obvious to you, and you wouldn't be asking us about it.

I grew up in the Midwest being half Asian, and half Polish. What that meant, was I looked nearly full Asian, but with a Polish surname. I got bullied all throughout school. It wasn't until High School that an art teacher gave me the above advice. I was so insecure, I never figured out several of them felt threatened by my looks and natural friendly attitude. I never dated until I was 21. I always second guessed my conversations with people.
I had to replay what I had said over in my head and think about it. If it still made sense 20 minutes later, I shrug it off.

Women(and some men) still try to bully me. I don't let them. I'm a Mother now. They have entered the den of the big, bad mama (insert wild animal of choice here)!

Friends are friends because they KNOW YOUR FAULTS and LOVE YOU for them ANYWAY.
If they judge you now, they'll judge you more later when you can't hear/see them. They simply aren't worth it! You're beautiful in your own way!

Heads up dear! We love you!

Try and take it in stride. First off, you don't make another feel something about themselves that they don't already feel.... this also includes you.....

It's so laughable if you think about it when another says, how they would dress up and or have time for the gym or whatever the case may be.. if only they had one kid or in many cases, more money..

The example about such things I like to give it Oprah.. Look at her, tons of money and access to BEST trainers in the world, BEST nutritionist and doctors.. yet, she is still FAT... I believe that if you want something bad enough , you ll do it... so people have a lot of excuses... and time has nothing to do with it.. It takes the same amount of time to put on some decent looking pants instead of sweatpants and a t-shirt... comb your hair and look like you care at least somewhat in the way you look... some people are just flat out lazy.. kids or not.... so for the ones who insist that they'd do more with more time... they are full of it...

My best advice.. sounds like you have some positive things going on in your life, but could be you are a little co-dependent to the extent that you are over-analyzing many things you say and moreover, care too much about what others think. You get away from this kind of co-dependent behavior by working a program for it... I do a 12 step, in my case it's OA.. but the principles of OA and CODA (co-dependents) are the same..

Like you, I am working on some similar issues in my life and since attending meetings and or reading the 12 step literature. I have learned so much about myself .. What I learned most so far is that, I needn't take on the baggage of other people.... it's quite a relief too in knowing that it's not my job to manage another person's feelings... YAY . freedom.... the meetings are all private and free ... if you go online, you can see if there is one near you... you can go once, if it's not for you... then don't go again.. although, sometimes you just have to check out a few different meetings and or locations to find one that's right for you...
think about it..

whatever you decide.. best of luck to you

I think your husband is probably right. I think you are so "annoying" because you have everything they want. I think that friendships are really important relationships for all moms to have, because after high school/college it seems that we all sort of seclude ourselves. We get so wrapped up in the man of our dreams, and then we have babies, and we are so obsessed with our family life that we neglect other relationships. Sometimes, we're genuinely too busy for other relationships, and it's totally understandable. Then one day we realize that no one really knows who we are anymore, and it's tough. Being rich and beautiful is something everyone wants, but something that no one realizes is a curse in itself sometimes. If you are rich and beautiful, people love to ignore the fact that you are a human being with feelings and needs.

That being said, I feel like that a lot too. I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy with my daughter, and I have to admit that I sort of enjoyed it a little bit because of how nice everyone was to me. I mean, men weren't holding doors open for me from a mile away anymore, but in general, people were much more kind and helpful in lots of small ways that really added up. Now I've lost a lot of the weight, and I already notice women being crappier to me. I also notice men paying more attention to me. They see you as a threat, and they have to come up with reasons as to why they don't have everything that you have... so they blame you. It's easier than blaming themselves, or trying harder.

Don't keep trying to fit in with these ladies, because they will just bring you down. You didn't say anything stupid. You know you didn't mean anything by it. Don't let them talk down to you or put out your light.

I have grown up with the same thing, because my parents are really well off. Everyone was always making comments like, "must be nice" this and "must be nice" that... and finally, instead of letting it get me down... I started replying, "Yes, it is very nice. I am so blessed. Thank you"... and people shut their pie holes pretty quickly after that. I don't hear "must be nice" anymore. ;)

You don't need to keep your mouth shut to make friends. I'm sure your insecurity is obvious to them, and they are feeding on it because it's the only thing they have over you. They are like sharks who smell blood. Stop being insecure. Stand up for yourself. Don't laugh it off when they talk down to you. I'm not saying to go crazy psycho on them, but just be firm. All it takes is a simple look on your face to know that you disapprove. They will either choose to show you respect, or they won't. If they choose not to, they were never meant to be your friends anyway. Find people who love you for you.

Is it just this group of women? Does it happen only one place? If so, try another group.

I have a similar problem and I stopped trying to be friends with the moms who seemed disinterested and have found true friends who accept me as I am. That helped me get confidence and communicate better and now those women who avoided me are more welcoming.

I don't mind people who have no filter (to a point, I mean you shouldn't tell someone their baby is ugly even if he is hideous). I do get annoyed with people who try way to hard to be everyone's friend. Some people just aren't going to like you. You aren't going to like everyone.

Warning: This might get harsh: I must say I disagree with your husband. I don't think these women are jealous of you. I think you made a bad first impression and now they don't want to be bothered by you. So you can either keep trying (but tone it way down...like, talk about the weather toned down) or you can move on.

You need to learn to start with basic, mundane topics. Once you form an actual friendship then you can have diarrhea of the mouth (which will be enjoyed).

If this is something you think is a very real problem for you maybe you should find a different therapist. Good luck.

I am at least as bad as you sometimes but I have learned to occasionally let my eyebrows do the talking. Think of Elizabeth Montgomery on bewitched. It's funny but people interpret your eyebrows in the vein they are thinking. I.e, if they think something is bad, they will interpret your expression to mean you think it's bad also. They will fill in your blanks in the conversation. It's really pretty enlighting sometimes.