I Think I Have Lost Control of My 4 Yr Old!!!

Amy, you have just described my oldest to a tee. Something about those 1st born strong willed girls.... I have read every book "spirited child" etc. Some kids crave attention good or bad. When she is acting out calmly place her in time out, consistently every time. It will become boring. Dramatically praise her good behavior even if it seems silly "Wow, you did a great job not screaming at that store".
This too shall pass when her impulse control gets better.
Its hard not to want to give them the world and always keep them happy. However imagine her at 16 if she gets everything she wants now. Good luck to you.
One more piece of advice. KARATE!!! Seriously. We are at the manchester karate studio (off bridge street). Huge help with respect and focus and self esteem. Its really helped us.

My son is also very strong willed and is an only child (for now). I think it's typical for children their age to be demanding, and to want their way. I have set up boundries with my son and stick to them, eventhough sometimes I want to give in. I don't put up with hitting at all, so when he does it he goes right to the "naughty stairs." Most times he will want to not stay in his seat, so I have to put him back. This is the part that gets frustrating for me, but my husband and I stick with it until he stays. After his time out, I talk to him at his level, eye to eye, and explain why I didn't like what he did. I tell him to say sorry and then I tell him I didn't like his behavior but that I love him. I tell myself that I am his parent and not his friend, and that gives me the confidence to enforce the time-outs. When my son realizes that we mean it, he will calm down. The hard part as a parent is to be consistent, otherwise he would take advantage and be out of control. Now, when he is behaving badly we give him a choice whether to continue with his behavior or sit on the stairs. He usually choses to quit the behavior, but if he continues he goes on the stairs.

I have a 6 year old only child (boy). I know exactly what you are saying!! My son has autism so since he was just 2 1/2 I have had teachers, doctors, daycare, specialists, constantly telling me how to do things to keep his behavior under control but it was still very hard. I got lots and lots of advice, which didn't seem to work that great for him nor I, but what they didn't tell me is that I need to be very strict with him. When I say no I have to let him throw a little fit or a big one but it's gotten a lot better :) after a few minutes I would and do sit down with him and speak very gently almost a whisper with him and even hold him, then I tell him why he couldn't do this or why he couldn't have that, and when you can learn (to ask first), when you understand how to (use the toy properly) so on and so on, Don't give in!! Don't buckle under the pressure!!! it took some time but he is doing much better, still needs work but that's what kids are right? A work in progress until they are on there own. Oh by the way a wise man once told me never give, give, give to your kids. He did the same as he was very poor growing up, his kids are now in their 40's and they are fighting over who gets his house and his money when he dies. He has rewritten his will 3 TIMES for them.
Best of Luck!!

Hi Amy~

I'm a SAHM of a 4yr girl, 2yr old son & a 2mo girl and I can relate to your situation. Is your daughter in any pre-school program? I put mine in for social reasons and within just 2wks of her being there, her manners improved & she seemed like a calmer child who was learning how to follow the rules. Just take it one day at a time & be consistent in your parenting, both you & your husband. No giving in for awhile!

Good luck!

Remember, your daughter does not have the wisdom that comes with time and age that you do. She may be smart, but her emotions and her ability to control them are still developing. your job is to help her learn how to understand herself, not punish her for not being perfect. With regard to your husband, remind him that his success did not come from being spoiled. Clearly he has a strong work ethic. I'm sure you want your daughter to have the same. Remind yourself of this when she screams for a toy. Give her a chance to earn it, with chores- simple as bringing her dishes to the sink, helping with the laundry. Yes, you have rules, and yes, she must follow them. But be empathetic with her and be patient. When I say or so something to one of my sons that is rude or overbearing I do apologize. I do not want my boys thinking that it's okay for adults to have bad behavior but children are not allowed to make mistakes. As frustrating as it may be, repeating (in a kind and calm voice) your expectations is important. Children want you to be iron clad and epathetic in your convictions, not wishy washy.
You're a great mom, follow your instincts.
Take care!

Hi Amy,
i think you need to standyour ground. when you say no it means no. you need to let her know who is theparent and get down on her level when she screams and or misbehaves. give her consequences for exampletell her this is a warning and if she doesn't stop immeadiatelt that her behavior is inappropriate she will lose privleges like her favorite toy activities etc.. and take away one at a time. she needs to earn those back. for no reason whatso ever do you needto apoloigize only ifyou hurt her feelings by saying something that maybe you shouldn't. i hateto say it but she may be a little spoiled. when yougo to a store expalin to her shewill not be getting anything today and ifshe screams you take her out to the car and go home or leave her home with hubby when you go and tell her she cannot go until she knows how to behave and have you tried a sticker rewarding chart for good behavior. i hope some of this helps but i thinks these mayhelp. keep us posted and good luck.

Hi Amy!
Is she in a preschool program? Even if it is just a few days a week for a few hours per day would be very beneficial to her I think! My son was very much like your daughter, but once he started preschool (I started him at 3-just two days a week 3 hours per day) along with my determination not to give in, he learned limits and control. And I have always said that there is nothing wrong with wanting to "spoil" your child, but you have to be careful about spoiling them "rotten". And I agree with the other moms that consistency is the KEY! Once my son learned that he couldn't get his way just by yelling or throwing a fit, he stopped. Ignoring it when your child screams or cries is SO hard, but it will benefit her in the long run! Good luck!

Hah, sounds like my son. Same exact age. He has also been in control since he was a baby. I am a single Mom with him and a 13yr old daughter. He is very demanding, will often scream at us when he wants something. Is very unwilling to compromise etc. And I was a teacher for 15 years. I could get anyone's kids to behave except my own lol. Well this past 6 months I finally decided that I was going to take back control. Every time that he does something that is not acceptable he goes straight to his room and I close the door. I tell him that he may not come out unless he is ready to change his behavior, I tell him what I mean by this. Example talking in a nice tone of voice, saying sorry for being mean to his sister, cleaning up the mess he made etc. He is very smart and at this age is learning to reason and knows what is acceptable. When we go into a store we talk about what we are going to buy. I tell him we are not buying any toys today, but compromise and let him buy a cookie or stickers if he sits nicely while I shop. Limiting it to $1. This may still not be the best solution since kids should learn that just because we go into a store we can't always get something we want. I have a hard time doing this myself. lol. Anyway choose your battles, decide what is acceptable to you and your husband and what you will not tolerate. Choose a method of discipline that works and that you can stick to even if it means hearing her yell and scream. Both of you need to be consistent with her because once she learns you will give in, you will have no power. So be firm, even if it means being embarrassed in a store, or you feel like you are loving her less, deep down you know this is not true. Kids need structure, routine and limits to thrive. And maybe now I will follow my own advice. :)

Oh my I can totally relate to you! My son was the very same way. Notice how I said "was"? He is now 5 1/2 and pretty much a dream, but it has been a lot of work!! I stuck with the time outs as difficult as they were. Sitting him in a chair never worked. I would send him to his room to think about why he was there. I would say"you are going to have a time out because...... you will be here for 4 mintues" When the 4 minutes was over I would go to him and say.."do you know why you are here? You are here because... You need to say I am sorry Mommy for not listening." If he couldnt apologize in a nice voice he would stay for another time out. I have also been known to take him out of situations kicking and screaming when he didnt get his way. Consistency is the key and you and your husband have to agree on the discipline to use. Discipline her for what she has done. Dont allow her the power to hurt your feelings. You can discipline her for hurting one of her friends feelings but dont give her the power to hurt your feelings, you are the grown up. My son would easily have a tantrum for an hour and most times I would ignore him becasue you cant reason with a beligerent child. I dont think she is spoiled she just needs to be taught limits. She sounds alot like my son. Very strong willed...and that is not a bad quality. Good luck, seems like I have rambled but it will get better.

"Mostly b/c she fights my husband and I so hard that we just give in. "
That's your answer.