I Need Help with a SCREAMING Toddler

Wow... dedicated little guy! Of course, I knew one little girl very like this: quite capable of screaming for 10 hours straight. Goodness knows why anyone felt the need to provoke that discovery...

Some people are placid. If they don't get their needs met, or never feel heard and understood, or have something wrong for long enough, they just figure 'oh well, this is never going to change, no point in making noise.' I am sometimes much more frightened for the young when they are placid than when they feel free enough to make a lot of noise.

Other people are not placid and are convinced that the only problem is that they haven't said the right thing yet...so they keep trying and trying and trying to make it clear what it is that they need. They will try, literally, for hours and hours and hours. As you have experienced.

The answer is fairly simple, but it feels like 'giving in' or 'letting the child win', both of which come from problematic mindsets.

What exactly is wrong with a child getting to win? When that 'win' means that the child gets what the child NEEDS. Sure, to an adult who knows how to wait and why everyone else on the planet is so much more worthy and important than themselves... it feels wrong to just let a child have what he needs. But making another person suffer because we always have isn't a very loving thing to do. It does nothing to alleviate our lifetime of suffering, either. No one 'loses' when a child 'wins' in getting his need met.

There is a fear that if a child 'gets what he wants' all the time, he'll be insatiable. But really, it's the other way around. It is not people who have ready access to everything they need who become the greedy gluttons of the world: it's the people who've had all the 'good stuff' held away from them, used as bribes, and removed as punishment... those are the people who are grasping and selfish and constantly focused on making sure they get 'their fair share.'

I might suggest that multi-child care is inappropriate for this needy little guy, as you rightly say you simply do not have time to deal with him all day, every day. Be assured: his parents didn't 'make him' this way any more than you have. He is who he is, even if that is someone who is hard to love.

Like everyone else, he needs generosity and love and affection and to get what he needs...even if he seems to need more of it than anyone else thinks is rational. He's not rational --he's a toddler. And he needs what he needs, when he needs it. Rational doesn't enter into it.

Some of the most secure, independent young adults I have ever known were the ones who were so seemingly insecure, so noisy about getting their needs met as young children. The very same children whose parents were regularly criticized for 'giving in' and 'letting them rule' by giving them what they needed. The 'spoiled' children are, in fact, the most mature, most generous, most balanced and stable I have ever known.

My son went through a screaming phase for about a month, and like you, I knew it definitely needed to stop because constant screaming can really drive you crazy. Mine screamed when things were taken away from him or when he wanted something but couldn't tell me and he would keep screaming until I figured it out. When he is pointing at the toy cupboard that has hundreds of items in it, it's hard to be intuitive like with his other needs. The way I handled it was what I read in a book [unfortunately I do not remember which book!]: I completely ignored it. I did not give him a time out. I did not acknowledge the screaming whatsoever, but the moment he stopped, I always said "Oh, I like it much better when you aren't screaming" or "thank you for using your indoor voice, my ears were hurting" or something like that. I made sure to give him extra special attention when his screaming halted because obviously that is what he was needing at the time and it was also more positive reinforcement. Sometimes when it was really bad I would just turn my back or pretend to do something else and wait for him to stop. After taking that approach it was MAYBE a week before he stopped screaming. Of course now he yells "NO! No!" since he is talking a little... but I'll take a loud "No" over a screechy scream any day.

My sixteen month old son is going through a screeching phase too. It's not a sound anyone enjoys and it's especially disconcerting when other people are around. I can't imagine what a struggle it is when you have other kids to take care of too.

I sympathize with my toddler quite a bit right now since I think this is a tough age for children. They want things, need things and usually don't have the communication skills to effectively get those desires met.

I know it seems like just temper tantrums and this advice may seem more along the lines of placating a child who is acting out, but they are just learning about sharing and who they need to share their world with. If he's an only child it might be even more difficult for him to understand that everything doesn't belong to him or revolve around him alone. Though reasoning might seem a little beyond a one-year old I would gently tell him when he needs to give back a toy that you understand he wanted that toy, but someone else was playing with it and offer him another toy. Usually diversion still works well at that age. Also time-outs are still pretty ineffective right now, but if you are going to use them you really pretty clearly need to explain to him why he's getting a time-out. I probably wouldn't put him in his crib for it either since making him associate where he rests and sleeps with punishment may backfire in the long run.

You might try just gently placing him in a chair and holding him in place for a minute, explaining why you're doing it the whole time (again, this isn't really something I think is a great idea for a sixteen-month old). Also, if he's not talking much yet I would seriously look at starting to teach him some baby sign language if you're not using it already. You could teach your daughter at the same time. I just started doing it a few months ago and wish I would have started six months earlier. I think it's helped my child's frustration level a great deal to have some control.

He might just be a child who needs a lot of attention and a lot of cuddling. I find my son gets especially screechy when he's bored and I'm just not paying the appropriate amount of attention to him.

I do kind of agree that maybe your daycare isn't the appropriate place for him to be. I don't know how much time you have for planned activities but maybe a childcare setting where he can get more attention would be appropriate, especially since he's a family member and protecting that relationship is also important.

i can not really help you to much on this subject but you are not alone. i take care of a little girl that screams nearly all day (unless eating or sleeping) i have guessed it is a communication issue because she is 18 months old and does not speak or point. i explain to her that she needs to show me what she needs or she needs to go and play. sometimes she stops and sometimes not. She does not want me to do anything that isn't holding her. She gets lots of attention from me but she has been here for months and this happens at least every other day if not everyday. i am just trying to wait it out and work on her communication with her. her mother tells me she is fine at home and said the Dr is not concerned that she doesn't speak so i am just doing my best to keep myself calm everyday. i am curious as to what other people say. hang in there i feel your pain :) i try to keep her interested with new things everyday, and she loves to listen to music.