I Must Be Missing Something: How to Best Talk with Doctors?

I would strongly suggest finding a new pediatrician. Even one in the same clinic could work. It sounds like you just got one who doesn't know how to listen. And most pediatricians aren't going to try and diagnose psych problems for you. They should refer you to a specialist.

I have this same problem, and I was so frustrated after one experience I actually googled "how to talk to doctors so they will listen". I am the type who does not go to the doctor for every tiny little problem, and I always do a lot of research before I go. I think doctors resent people coming in and having "googled" their ailments and self-diagnosing things, which I can understand. But as someone who is educated and trained in research, I appreciate being listened to and not automatically dismissed or patronized.

I had an allergist not know about the salicylate/adhd connection when she was treating my daughter for hives (the "Feingold" diet was created by a very prominent allergist) and dismiss it when I brought it up, only to bring it up the next visit like it was her idea. I guess doctors don't like to feel like their patients might know more about something than they do. But family doctors especially would have to keep "up to date" on an enormous variety of disorders. A patient may actually have more up to date information if they are actively researching a more narrow scope of potential disorders/symptoms. The internet is changing things, and yes, you have to be smart about what you are looking at and get a professional opinion, but I feel like doctors need to be more receptive to patients research findings. Like a good college professor who recognizes that students can do good research and bring them valuable information.

Maybe it helps to prop up their egos, "I know you are the expert, but I found this information on (some respectable website like the Mayo clinic) and feel like it makes a lot of sense, what do you think?"

I also feel like finding another doctor is a good idea. If you can find a good one, hang onto them for dear life!

You talk to your doctor like you talk to your mechanic. They aren't perfect, they work for YOU, and you have to be an advocate for your own health.

Tell the doctor that you truly don't feel that the diagnosis is correct. Bring along your research. Get your money's worth.

And if they refuse to listen, go find another mechanic. ;o)

Well maybe it is the nature of my life and that of my children but I never discuss things of the brain with their pediatrician and I never discuss that which is physical with the psychiatrist. That seems to save me a lot of snarling.

Granted we are in a situation where we see both somewhat regularly.

What I have found is when you are trying to figure out if a behavior is driven by a physical problem you do not describe the condition in terms of mental. Say junior is jumping off the sofa all the time. Instead of saying he seems compelled to jump off the sofa what do you think? You ask, is there any physical condition that causes children to jump off of sofas all the time? It makes them focus on the physical instead of trying to remember the psych classes.

Flip it if you are trying to ask the psychiatrist if there is a mental reason for a physical manifestation. Like what disorders cause a child to walk on their toes?

Doctors are service providers. If you are not happy find a new service provider. I have fired doctors before. Did once at 3:00 a.m. when DD was in Texas Children's Hospital. She was not happy with me and threatened me and I had the nurse call the primary doctor at home! I told him that if I ever saw this doctor near my daughter again, I would call the police! I know dramatic but it got my point across. Lets just say I was popular with the nurses after that. This resident was a poopyweinerbutthead!

My point is, you are in control not them!!!

Ah, Ephie, at this moment we thousands of cyberstrangers know (and love) you better than a New Doctor.

Doctors are just like anyone else, some of them jive with you, some of them don't. Hopefully this one will get to know you eventually as well, and SHOW AN INTEREST, sigh.

But you'll be seeing a specialist soon, right? I'm sure that'll be more productive.

:)

Hi ephie-

I feel your pain...

For me (and my daughter) it meant that I went in...dressed professionally...and had my concerns/questions written down...and MADE them address each and every one.

I still remember a pediatric cardiologist from CHOP (children's hospital of philidelphia) (a WORLD renowned doc BTW) making me feel 'less than' because I mis pro nounced the name of a drug that was controversial at best...regarding my daughters care...

I was livid.

He was/is a tall doc...

My next meeting, I practiced 100 times how to pronounce the name of the drug...I also had a downloaded list of contra indications in my daughter's case...

AND I wore the HIGHEST heels I had...and STOOD as I spoke with him...

I don't know what to say..except that...I 'stood' up to docs...

and my 'shannon' is still here...almost 15 years longer than the 'docs' predicted.

In short...do your research...ask questions...if it does not fit...get a second opinion...

AND

Put on heels!!!

Best luck!
michele/cat

Hi,

My best advice is to go in open-minded and take what they say with a grain of salt. If it doesn't fit with your gut reaction, don't let it bother you. Take what they say and see if you can find things that are helpful---- Make a list and make sure your questions are answered before you leave. Alot of doctors in my experience find themselves getting defensive when they have a patient come in with "all the answers"---I am NOT saying that you do this or did this--just saying in general, some get offended and are more apt to tell you point blank what they think without really giving it much thought. Also, I would start the convo with ....I highly respect your recommendation and I appreciate you seeing me to day. I have alot of questions about X topic and would like to discuss them all without coming to a diagnosis today. Is that agreeable? Or something to that effect. It gives them a boost and makes them relax knowing you are not going to try and undermine their intelligence or challenge them. Thats my best advice from previous doctors/visits. Good luck!

M

I think like other relationships, sometimes personalities , just don't work. With anyone, you may walk away from a conversation and think, I don't think they understood what I was asking or trying to explain. I used to be intimidated by docs and would just let it be but now I apoligize and tell them that I don't think I'm explaining the situation well and try to rephrase / they may even help and rephrase, for me. I make sure to speak up if I don't understand / feel they are not making themselves clear. If we go through all this and there is still a communiction issue / we have totally conflicted thoughts on treatment , then I generally move on, unless they are just a great specialty doc.

I'm sorry that you are having problems, lord knows I have had my share of it too. I have had so many doctors who take one look at me, and "pat me on the head" and say thats nice dear okay leave now. They automatically assume that I dont know what I am talking about. Its ridiculous, humiliating and uncalled for. They have talked down to me, and said some pretty obnoxious things just because they are the doctor.

I awhile back said NO to one doctor and told them straight. Listen! I DO know what I am talking about, I have read and researched and I know my stuff. I know how I feel, and how I dont. I do not appreciate the way you are speaking to me, I am not a child, and I will not be coming back to see you.

I have decided that if I dont get results from the doctors, and if they treat me like a child, and dont meet my needs. I change doctors until I have found someone to treat me seriously. I have now finally found the best ENT and regular doctors.

Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right one. And I was determined to find them.
I have found that hospital doctors are better. I go to the specialty clinic hospital for all of my visits now because they all have their own departments and you can self refer yourself or children. They know more about what they are talking about, better about explaining procedures, and anything you need.

You need to be firm and stop them when they say stuff you dont agree with. Especially if it is a wrong diagnosis. Be a Momma Bear and make them take you seriously.

Sometimes you got to get a little pushy with people to get them to understand you are serious.

Good luck!

I'd probably think about changing doctors too, but maybe give this one another chance. Go in and be as straight forward as possible and tell him something like...hey I know you're busy and I'm a new patient but I'm struggling with my niece and I just didn't feel like my concerns were addressed last time. I've done some research and here's what I understand about Niece and about RAD and here's why I think they don't match. Tell me what you think?

Yes doctors are people too and of course they are busy and they are falliable, but I don't think that is your issue. From your post it seems the biggest issue you had was his lack of bedside manner and that's a big issue. You should be happy and you shouldn't feel like a doctor is too busy for you. If your doctor can't give you that, then move on.

Mymhusband is a doctor and so i am going to tell you a secret... Doctors are human, are fauliable and like many people don't wasn't to make mistakes or be called on them!

If you have preach voiced your issues then change doctors.

Also print out information from the internet. I have had things diagnosed based on printouts I brought!

Okay, this is seriously slanted because my sister is a MD (in Olympia but I'll protect the innocent), but being a peds doc and being able to address behavioral and mental health disorders AND nutrition do not go hand in hand.

What it seems like to me is that MD's hear bullet points. I change the way I speak when I'm talking with my sis, when I go to appts or when I speak with extremely busy people who do not necessarily hear context or who are not necessarily relationship builders.

I would change MD's and talk to nurses or other parents for recommendations. I can ask my sis, but you may end up with a person of similar demeanor.

I work in medical sales, and talk to many doctors on a daily basis. The unfortunate fact is that doctors (in most cases) are incredibly overworked, and are given ever decreasing minutes to spend with each patient. When patients come in with a list of issues, it's difficult for the doc to take the time to address each one fully.

I liked a previous poster's suggestion of going in again, and stating nicely that you feel your concerns weren't addressed to your satisfaction the last time. I'd choose one or two of your top concerns and focus on those, even if it means having to make more than one appointment.

The other thing you might consider is switching to a PA or NP. They are often just as knowledgeable as an MD, but don't have to suffer stigma of having to know everything. If they get stumped, it's much easier (and acceptable) for them to ask for an MD consult. They can also usually spend about twice as much time with you as an MD.

I love my PAs and NPs...they're so much less frazzled, and overall nicer to work with than most MDs.

I feel your frustration. I am a medical professional and when I see another doctor I generally go in as if I'm not in the medical field just to see if they are human. I believe your new pediatrician feels a bit intimidated by your knowledge of your situation and may be trying to flex in the knowledge department just to make u feel as she does. The truth is doctors family MD's know a little about alot of things where specialists know alot abbot a few things. When it comes to a school physical I would trust your pediatrician otherwise your doing the right thing. The only person truly looking out for your niece is you. MD's are human too. They should be open to learning and educationing especially in family practice. Truth is we give doctors alot of credit for knowing everything, they're human like us and live life like us. Don't be afraid to speak up when u feel unheard and go to someone else if u feel u don't have a good connection. You sound intelligent, listen to your gut, always. Stay focused on ur nieces positive outcome. Goodluck!

If it was a *small* difference of opinion, I would say work with the doc and come to some understanding together. But from your description, I'd say that you are not going to see eye-to-eye with this particular doc. Start a search for a new doctor that will serve you better. The ability to listen and collaborate is a must!

Olympia is filled with doctors. This one is an over educated inexperienced jerk.
Go look at another practice. You do not have to take the advise idiots with an education.
What do they call the man who graduates last in his medical school class.
Doctor!

What your niece needs is TLC and acceptance not tough love.

i feel you, BUT, you must also realize that doctors have years and years of schooling, treats tons and tons of patients. they have to keep up to date on all the current issues/diseases/"disorders" etc, they have to keep up their accreditation. They do know what they are talking about, maybe you are just being to abbrupt with them, not giving them a chance or are undermining their knowledge. that is not to say that doctors know everything OR that they shouldnt listen to you. but they trust in their schooling and experience, maybe they are irratated by your lack of trust or faith in them? give them the benefit of the doubt, you cannot find out everything there is about a disease or a "disorder" online, they know things we dont!

Get another opinion. fast