I Have My Tubes Tied and Have a New Boyfriend Who Wants a Baby.

Here's a different way to think about it. You're not "giving your boyfriend a baby". You're creating a person who needs at least 19 years (you have to include pregnancy!) of nurturing. How can you feel guilty about *not* bringing a child into the world? Because he *wants* it? C'mon. This is the biggest single responsibility you have in life, and I don't have to tell you to take this seriously. You know (probably better than he does) that along with the excitement of "picking a name" come many sleepless nights. Along with the smiles come the unending diapers. Along with the hugs come the physical challenges of pregnancy.
I agree with others here - slow down, get a commitment (marriage and/or adoption), and remember that if he was meant to be with you then you don't need another child to make it work.
(ps If you've made it clear why you had the ligation in the first place, then it doesn't sound like your boyfriend cares too much about your health.)

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Hi M.,

It seems like you left out quite a bit of information. You may have know this man for 20 years, but when did you start dating again?

What about your husband/father of your current children?

First and most importantly you shouldn't be making any decissions about having a baby with a boyfriend. If he's concerned about making a committment because he definetly wants a child in the future, assure him that you're willing to research those options (reversal, surrogate, adoption)when the time comes.

Before you make any decissions with this man, consider the 2 beautiful children you already have. Will he love them like his own? Do they accept him?

Once you're married and are sure your marraige will survive forever, then think about another child.

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Personally I suggest not worrying about it until this man becomes your husband if that is the case. Your profile says you just separated from your husband.

You will have to go through surgery to have your surgery undone and then put your body through another pregnancy when it sounds like the first two almost didn't turn out so well.

The truth is even if you considered reversing the tubal ligation (depending on the method used) you still may not be successful in conceiving. I am not trying to be a downer, just realistic.

You mention that he is your boyfriend and that you are just separated from you husband of six years. It is awesome that you have reconnected with someone from your past however, you should really consider giving yourself time to mourn. Yup I said mourn because no matter what when wrong, whose fault it was, whether you left or he did, etc. you still need the time to mourn the lose of that person (husband) in your life. To get used to what it is like w/o him (specifically his quircks, his gestures, etc).

Wait until you are ready to make more of commitment and vice versa. Do not rush out and have a baby because you feel guilty. If it is meant to be it can wait.

I have been w/my current husband for 8 yrs. But we only got married last fall. I myself met him right after I split from my exhusband (father of my two boys), whom I had been on and off w/for 10 yrs.

I swore I'd never get married again (granted I was 26 when we split, rather young for that decision). I also was adament that I did not want any more children. As I said I had two beautiful, healthy great kids - whom (remember on again off again) I had up until that point raised by myself.

My current husband had hinted, eluded, and even asked me to marry him for several years, but I just wasn't ready. He also has no biological children of his own, but has been an awesome father figure to my boys who were 2 and 10 when we started dating. He has never shyed away from any aspect of their parenting. Diapers, being thrown up on in the middle of the night, discussing punishments, and all the good stuff, camping, fishing, etc. I couldn't ask for a better man for my children to idolize. So before we got married we had a long discussion about what our expectations would be. How we felt on all kinds of subjects. It was really nice, because I don't think we'd really done that before. I know I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I know he is an awesome dad and I also know he would like to experience having one more child. He never said a child of his own, cuz he calls them our boys. We agreed that we would have one more child. And we take what we get, boy or girl, god willing healthy, but regardless....so now after a 10 yr break we are expecting the last of the litter. Even when we were discussing w/the ob tying my tubes after my c-section, even then my husband said nope WE will have three children and three is enough. This was huge decision for me, especially because my ex and I started our family very, very young. I have been a mom since I was 17. Now my boys are 10 and 16. They are independent, we are pretty set in our family life - it was a huge decision to decide to start over again. One will be graduating highschool and the other on his way to junior high when this baby comes. Sometimes even now I am freaked out about it.

Please weigh all your options, I know just because it took me 8 yrs, doesn't mean that's what's right for you. Just be sure you've given yourself the time you need to heal and make the decision that's best for you, your boys and your boyfriend. Best of luck.

Slow down. See if after the divorce is final if the new boyfriend is going to become husband as well as be there for your 2 boys. If he is a great step dad then consider it but right now he is not as OK with it as he says. If he is bringing up names then he is thinking about more kids as well. (make sure he will be ok with no more kids before you marry him too) That is a personal decision between you two but maybe before it goes to far talk to your OB/GYN and see what they say. If it would put you at high risk of problems then there are 2 other kids that need you and you may have to be happy with that. A.

I understand the sadness of not being able to give someone children, my husband and i have been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half now... and because of a very complicated situation it's looking very likely that i will never have a pregnancy because i medically need a hysterectomy.
My thoughts are the same as the other posts... wait to make that big decision until you marry this man. It's a big step to make, especially since you mention you just separated from your husband. Make sure this is a long term thing before doing this to your body. And also remember just because you untie your tubes, doesn't mean you will easily get pregnant or be able to easily carry the baby to term.
A few women mentioned surrogacy... not a cheap option, but there is alway that idea. And adoption is a great route too - it's the one we're starting to research. Some mentioned him adopting your kids... which I don't think is a very good idea unless the father is completely out of the picture and is never coming back. Their father has parental rights before a new boyfriend would.
But if he loves you and as you said would rather you than anyone else, he will be willing to consider the alternative options too.

First I think you and your children need more time to adjust from your seperation from your husband, their father.
You also should slow down with this boyfriend. Even though you dated him in high school.....It's still a new relationship for you and your children at this point.
It's way to soon...to fast...to be making serious decisions. Stay in reality and do one day at a time.

Let go of the guilt or in time it will effect your relationship with your children and your boyfriend...
He's right, he has to come to terms with it and so do you.
In fact it's very important to come to terms with it before marriage.

Don't be so hard on yourself. When you made the decision to have your tubes tied, you did so with good reason. Hang on to those reasons. Being pregnant and giving birth, will not be any easier at age 33 then it was back when you had your two boys.

Have both of you considered adoption.... If that's out of the question, then stop having conversations about baby names...bring it to his attention that it's not helpful with coming to terms with the situation.

Is he active in fathering your two boys? Putting more energy into this could be very helpful but again, make sure your relationship with him and your children are ready for this. Don't rush things....

Hi M., wow, this is a tough one. My advice to you would be to think about what YOU want. As we all know raising children is a hard job, rewarding, but challenging. You had difficult pregancies which makes the decision that much harder. Your age isn't an issue and your other children are still young enough where it won't feel like you have two families. If this is aomething that YOU want to do then I would go for it. However, if you are just trying to please him, then I would back away. Good luck in your decision. Please keep us posted!

Get married and "untie you tubes" as a wedding presnt :)
as long as you really want to give him a baby, go for it, Good Luck!

Hey there,
OK, your kiddos are the number one priority.
That said, you can always adopt. I did a local adoption and couldn't be happier.

dont worry about it till the divorce is final, and you have a new husband. if he doesnt care, but marries you, then you can decide if YOU also might like another child. there are ways around that. but you should not have a child solely for someone else, nor should you hold it against someone who may not be able to marry someone knowing they will never be a father, if they want to be one.

Get married, & then he can adopt your children. Then if you both want kids then go for it. Do not let this man guilt you into having a child for him without a marriage commitment. Call me old fashioned but it's the right thing to do.

A.

Dear M.,
You do have legitimate reasons for not wanting to have another baby. I guess my only concern was that you never wrote that you wanted to have a baby. With that said, relationships sometimes work and sometimes they don't (not unlike your first relationship with the father of your other children). Do you want to have a baby just for you and not to appease someone else's desire?
I have a friend who had children from a previous relationship and 'gave in' to satisfy her husband's desire to have children. She couldn't get pregnant for three years and thought that was the answer then she did and was in complete shock and became resentful of him (difficult pregnancy, lack of support, etc.) The feelings led to her now being divorced with yet another baby being raised by a single mom. Don't do it just for him - unless you are in complete agreement. The world has too many children without parents that want them or are truly present.

Hi Wendy,
I am happy for you; finding a loving man is not easy, especially with a young family.
I hope it works out for you.
My only advice is to take it slowly. You are going to need time to process your divorce, as will your sons.
If it is going to work with this boyfriend, then it will work.
Take your time to really be ready for all the changes. Help your sons get through the loss of their father. Then, if you really want a child with your new husband, there are options for in vitro as well as artificial insemination.
Don't feel guilty about anything. It is a waste of time and it is a trap. You will do the right thing when the time is right. Good luck.

Wait until you are married to this new boyfriend and at least a year has past. If the boyfriend is really that wonderful he would then marry you and wait for the right time.

Don't try and start a second family until you have solved the problems from the first family that you have and everything is calm. It sounds as if you are jumping too quickly into another relationship.

Wow, this must be an incredibly hard situation to be in. On the one hand, you want to make this man happy and give him a child. On the other, your previous 2 pregnancies were so difficult, and unfortuatnly you have not gotten any younger since your last child. There are other options that the two of you may want to consider. Depending on your financial situation, you could consider using a serogat mother (I alway that is what I will do if I decide to have another child because pregnancy was so difficult for me), or maybe adoption, or having this man adopt the children you already have. I would definatly recommend talking to your man about this, you need to make sure that whatever you decide to do, neither one will regret that decision years down the line. I would also consider maybe talking the "untying" over with your OBGYN, see if it's even realistic to do so, and what the chances are of another difficult labor / delivery. I wish you the best of luck.

I know it's expensive, but there is always IVF. So it's not totally out of the question, just maybe out of your price range. Good luck!

You are probably young enough to have yourself examined for medically having it reversed or for implantation. I would go to a fertility specialist and seek advice. Take him with you so that he knows what you are facing. Maybe it will help him and you come to terms with the fact that you may not be able to have any more children, or what types of obsticals that are likely to be in your way as you try.

This man has already described the solution. Wait and see if he is, indeed, willing to come to terms with you not having more children. Does he understand the reason for this? If he "puts his money where his mouth is" that will tell you that you are important to him. He could adopt your boys, and I presume you could consider adopting another child, who would be "his."

Hi M.. First let me congratulate you on once again finding love except this time with someone who it seems deserves it. You don't say if what it is that you're asking advice on. Are you questioning should you attempt to reverse the surgery?

Give yourself two years to figure it out and see how the relationship developes. You are young enough to buy two years of time or atleast one year before you conceive another child. It sounds like you are still married to your husband. Make a clean break from one relationship and give yourself time to heal and gain clarity about what YOU want out of your new life.