I Am So Torn...

There are many great kids who would love to be adopted! Have you considered adoption?

It's hard when you want more kids.
But you have one - and that's more than some can have.
We're happy with our son - we knew after taking 4 yrs to get pregnant and finally managing it through IVF with ICSI that getting pregnant was a one time thing for us.
I was 36 when we had him.
The thing about being an older mother - besides being more patient (which is a good thing) - is that you're going through menopause while your kid is going through puberty - not always a pretty combination.

There's a lot to be said for One and Done.
No fighting siblings - it's the ONE thing my sister and I agreed on (she has one girl - I have one boy) - we never want our kids to go through all the fighting we went through.
To this day (and I'm 55 now) I have no feeling in my scalp from all the hair pulling I endured as a child.
While it's true some siblings are best friends for life - it doesn't always work out that way and some are enemies for life - you never know what you're going to get.
No having to split up to decide are we going to Mary's dance recital or Scotty's soccer game.
No saving up for more than one kid to put through college - and with just having one - you can afford to save for your own retirement too.
We can afford to have our son be in band, do taekwondo and archery - with 2 (or more) kids each would be limited due to the finite availability of resources.
You have to change your point of view so that you can see the benefits of having one child - not easy to do when you want a large family - but once you see it and believe it - you could be very happy raising one child.
I hope you find peace with what ever your family turns out to be.

Well, my story is one you might not want to hear, but I had my first child when I was just short of 41 (after 2 rounds of IUI, no clomid) and decided to try for a second when I was 42. I did 4 rounds of IUI + clomid without success and decided to go for IVF. There is a program in our state where they supply IVF grants to eligible applicants if they don't have the financial means to pay for IVF 100% (I certainly didn't), so I wound up paying around $5K and the state covered the rest (as opposed to the $12K I would have had to pay out of pocket otherwise). I did the IVF just shy of my 43rd birthday and, sadly, it did not take. The state would not provide a second grant (usually you get 2 chances) due to my age and I could not afford another try on my own. I had to resolve myself to the fact that I would only ever have one child.

And do you know what? With the perspective of a few years, I now think it was probably for the best. I'm not entirely certain that I would have been able to handle two. As for my son, he would like a sibling in theory but probably not in reality. He's pretty comfortable being the only child. This weekend I spent a lot of time with my best friend's two daughters and the sibling rivalry was very intense. It was a relief to get home to our own tension-free house.

I don't want to sound glib in all this. I was very crestfallen when my IVF didn't work and I came to the realization that I couldn't afford a second try. As someone who grew up with siblings myself, I felt heartbroken for my son that he would not have a brother or sister. But time heals and slowly I've become adjusted to it.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you decide to go for the IVF (and that could very well be the right decision for you), be aware that it may not take or it may take and there could be problems. Be prepared for possible heartbreak. But my best wishes for all the luck in the world if you decide to go for it.

My cousin had similar experiences--one biological child and fertility treatments did not work for them. I do not know whether they needed fertility treatments for the biological child, however they were just a bit younger than you. I can only imagine how painful it is to be in this situation. My cousins ended up adopting their second child from my cousin's wife's home country, India, and it has been a happy story for everyone--both kids have graduated college and are working in fields which they enjoy, nice human beings, no visible trauma, etc. I shared the part about their adoption experience because you may want to consider whether your ultimate desire is to RAISE another child and therefore you could meet that desire by fostering or adopting. That option isn't necessarily all that easy or cheap, and it doesn't erase the sadness about not having a second biological child, however perhaps knowing it is an option can help you figure out what you want most deeply. Sending good thoughts to you.

My cousin went through something similar: lots of IUI, IVF, several chemical pregnancies, and most tragically, a twin pregnancy lost at 6 months (one stillborn, one born alive but died within an hour). She filled out a birth certificate and a death certificate on the same day. They were devastated.

She finally had a successful IVF and that child is 3, a subsequent IUI (the last of her frozen embryos) was a lost at about 7 weeks. They have been through the roller coaster as well. They would have loved a second child. They are comforted by looking at our wonderful family and our single child (the result of IUI and Clomid), and growing into acceptance of their situation.

I think you are grieving, and that's understandable - and you feel forced by time to make a decision that will either be costly financially or emotionally.

Have you looked into Resolve? It's an organization for those facing infertility (primary or secondary) and there are many support groups and resources.

I do think that it helps to decide if you want to bear a child (be pregnant, continue your DNA, go through birth) or if you want to raise a child (and there are many ways to do that). It's difficult to adopt without some financial resources, of course. I have many friends who have adopted kids from Asia, Russia, and Peru - but it's not cheap. I have others who have fostered children and then grown into adoption. These are ALL families - and it depends on what your desire is. Will you consider a foster/adopted child to be something different than your bio child? Will you feel bereft because you didn't go through childbirth again? There is no right or wrong answer here - these are your feelings. It's okay to mourn the loss of fertility - and in fact, a lot of women go through those feelings at menopause as well. I think you would benefit from professional help to try to sort our your feelings, your unrealized hopes, and whether you consider your family incomplete with the child you have.

My heart goes out to you. When I first got married, 7+ years ago. Hubby and I were trying to make more of our kid. We went to get us each checked out only to discover I was the weak link in this equation. We didn't take it any further than that because we just couldn't afford the added expense. Our youngest is now 20 and turns 21 in March.

We would still welcome a new addition but we are realistic and know it probably won't happen for us especially since I'm already 50 and nothing has happened in all this time in that direction. If we did it would be welcomed and we would count it as God having a serious sense of humor.

I mentioned adoption to my husband but again the expense there is just beyond our reach especially with our 2 boys in college at the same time.

We even considered becoming foster parents but the foster system here is EXTREMELY messed up. So we just live our wonderful lives without the baby or babies we could have had together had our choices been different.

You will need to decide and determine just how far you can comfortably and realistically manage in your inner being and move forward from there.

I know your pain. I just choose not to dwell on what I don't have but enjoy what I do have.

If you don't spend the money will you always wonder "what if"? But set yourself a limit, you will try once or twice (whatever you can truly afford) and then let it go if it doesn't happen, maybe refocus on doing something like foster care? I wish you the very best of luck!

I was done having kids at 27, but I can tell you about my cousin. She worked decades as a nanny. She never really found the right man until a couple of years ago. They got married and she just had her first baby 6 months ago. She is 46. I do not know if she had ivf or not, but she had a normal pregnancy and birth. Her baby is a delight and perfect. No complications. At our family reunion in November she was talking about having her next one! I don't know how things will go for you, but I wanted to let you know this is possible and many, many women have babies well into their 40s. I wish you nothing but the best!

Spend the money. You will only look at child and say, wow, I'd have spent a million dollars to you here! My BFF did and she is so happy that she pursued this into her 40s.

But one is awesome, too. As some mentioned, it's more that some can have.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

My best friend went thru similar situation as you; IUI w clomid and IVF. She had 6 miscarriages, lots of other issues as well. Finally I told her to see a 'real' chinese Dr to do acupuncture. She had her last failed IVF and went to a chinese Dr, she never could understand him. He did acupuncture for a couple months, I believe 2-3 times a week. Lo and behold she got pregnant. She had a healthy boy at 43 and another healthy boy at 45, she didn't do any acupuncture or IVF with the 2nd. Her specialist Dr couldn't believe it.

I would have to try, even if it was a bit financially daunting. Please check into acupuncture then decide. Best wishes

I just wanted to add my support and let you know I am sending good vibes your way. I think the key thing in this instance is to find peace. As someone said, you are grieving what might have been. That is understandable. But don't forget that you have a wonderful life full of many blessings already. Don't let this consume you. We plan, and the universe does exactly what it wants, regardless. All of us have faced heartache and disappointment....not maybe in this exact scenario, but we all know what it is to have our dreams fall short. We adjust. You'll get there. Keep praying, meditating, thinking about it...whatever it is you do. You will come to an answer. And you'll have to come to the point where you truly accept that choice and let yourself move on.