Husband Is "Absent" When It Comes to Fathering...

I don't know if you can get through to him. I have the same problem. My husband spends at most 20 minutes a day with our two young children (3 and not yet 2). Then he wonders why they run to me when he does try to play with them. Things got a little better when our son got to the point where he could hang out with him outside on weekends... and I'm hoping the same will be true for our daughter. These are critical times in the kids development and he's missing it. I've tried crying, talking, yelling and guilting. Nothing got through. It might "click" when it's too late and he'll regret not being there. All you can do is make sure your son knows that you will always be there for him and that his Daddy loves him the best way he knows how (while reinforcing that you expect your son to be a better father). Keep talking to him and make him aware of all the changes in your son. He's going to take off in growth and maybe when he's sees how much he changes from week to week and day to day he'll get it. And please know that you are not alone. Sometimes the best thing to do is vent to a friend who can handle it because if you keep it bottled up inside you'll let it eat you alive. Men are strange and it really is almost imposible to change them. And sadly, sometimes the only way they do change is after it's too late.

This sounds so familiar, men are just a different bread of people. My husband and we got married 6 years ago, all of his friends said, he is "not the marring type". Then my husband and I adopted our first child from Kazakhstan and stayed there for 10 weeks in 30 degrees below zero, he wasn't at first keen on the baby idea. Then last but not least, we adopted a second time, domestically, in Florida this time. And I thought he would come around and be this amazing wonderful father. Children are such a blessing, and our kids are so beautiful and amazing how could you not just melt and love them with all your heart. Well, I finally reached my limit of non-commitment, from my husband, when it came to parenting. My best friend was backing me up all the way, till....She called me about an hour later and helped break it all down for me. She said: Your husband has been the same way since I met him 12 years ago, very laid back, not very emotional etc. He has never changed and for me to think all the sudden he should, is my expectations. He shows me and the babies that he loves us in his way, he got married, he went to a third world country for 10 weeks for our fist baby and went thru and very emotional (for me) second adoption, and built a playground in our back yard, and works so hard to take care of us. And all because he loves us.... So he doesn't hold my hand, have good communication skills or make out all the time. I think we have to take in consideration some men are like cave men, very basic. Women take care of kids men provide for the family. Hey, I know he loves me the only way he knows how. Finally, he has come around, my daughter is 3 year, and son is 4 months. He is opening his eyes to the beauty of parenthood and he helps out so much more. It will happen he will see how happy they make you. Be gentle on him, he will come around.

I'm sorry that your hubby isn't doing his part in raising your kids.

I don't have any advice, really. I just wanted to post because it seems that most of the ppl who responded have the same problem. I don't, and reading everyone's posts REALLY makes me realize how lucky I am. My hubby has helped from day one with our kids, even raising my first, who he legally adopted when she was 5. I don't have to ask him or guilt him in to doing anything.
I guess, though, that you can't really force/guilt him in to doing what he should be doing anyways. I imagine once your kids are older they'll KNOW that their dad doesn't spend time with them and they'll resent him for it. So, you need to pick up his slack and hope and pray he realizes what he's doing before it's too late.
It's sad for the kids. Your hubby doesn't know what he's missing. :-(

Maybe things will get better once you are moved and all settled in?

My only suggestion is to force him to do it. I had a similar situation myself and the only way I got my husband to participate was to force it on him. I just got up one day and said to myself it's his turn. I got dressed and told him I had to go out and that he was responsible for our son. I kept my cell phone with me at all times, but it worked. Now he is more willing and a lot less nervous about being a "daddy". Some men just need to be forced into a situation before they will react. Good luck!

I didn't read through every response, so you may have already received a similar message... But I first think it sounds like you are all very busy and have a lot going on right now, so it is very understandable for your husband to be worn out. Maybe on Saturday mornings you could take your son to do something and give your husband a little extra time to rest. When you are spending time together there are a lot of fun things your husband might enjoy doing with your son at this age (my daughters father really loves the things they can do together now more than ever and she is 17 months). Playing ball, or t-ball, going swimming, building with blocks, or doing a puzzle are some things that he might enjoy helping your son learn. I really just recommend giving him some time to rest and finding ways to help them connect without forcing it. I think he will come around soon and best of luck with your family and your move!

I know how you feel my best friends husband has two jobs and she complains about the same thing to me but like i told her maybe you guys could plan family outings once in a while and that could bring him closer to his son.

Good Luck

P.S. It's hard to balance everything. I'm a 27 year old female soon 2 be married both my partner and i work fulltime with a 7 year old and now pregnant due in Sept. :)

My husband is a great dad... when he has to/wants to be.

Basically, as long as I'm around, being a mommy and taking care of both of them, he is pretty lazy. But when I'm out, or at work, or away for any reason, my husband is a great daddy.

Hmmm... so even though that really does annoy me, I sort of know how to handle it with my husband. I go out. :) I'll go to the grocery store, or go work out. Maybe I just go out for a walk, or hang out the laundry, etc. But I make sure that I leave my son with daddy. Once he is in charge, and I'm not around, he is great.
Now this isn't the perfect scenario, and we're working on that... but it was a first step. Now at least when I talk about the problem with him, he can see it first hand, because he knows that he just relies on me if I'm there... instead of sharing in the duty and fun.

Also, keep in mind, that if he is working 2 jobs (my husband works over 60 hours a week) by the weekend, he is just really really tired, and he just needs to relax. So maybe work out a plan where he does have a couple of hours Saturday morning, or Sunday evening when he can just do his own thing... but that is a trade off for him being more involved the rest of the weekend.

Good luck!

Watch an episode of Supernanny with him. It's amazing how often the behavioral problems arise because of an "absent" parent.
I agree with the suggestions of scheduling time for yourself and putting Daddy in charge. (start small-1 hour or less) I think sometimes Dads feel inadequate in comparison to Moms when it comes to taking care of children. As moms, we quickly take charge because we know what our child needs and sometimes Dads feel like they are not needed so they just sit back. So, if you leave for a while, it basically forces your Hub to be the primary caretaker instead of you. If you want to start smaller or are not comfortable leaving them - ask him for help in caring for your child. Feed him or bathe him or diaper.. etc and make a reason why you can't at the moment so that hehas to. Those little interactions may become motivating. good luck!

Hi B.,

I went through this with my husband too. We were both working really, really long hours, in a new house and so tired. My husband would go through the motions of taking care of our son but not really engage him. He just kept saying he couldn't get into babies. But then we adjusted to out new house, my son got into some of my husband's interests (Star wars, legos, etc) and then they had stuff to do together.

i think it will get better- you are all just tired and a little stressed! hang in there. good luck.

I'm sure your husband would be a more willing parent once you are moved into your new home. You have to understand that he is working his butt off and when the weekend rolls around he probably is exhausted. I'm not one of those women who think a man shouldn't take an active roll in caring for his child. I can understand why your husband seems "absent". You shouldn't approach him in an accusing manner. That will put him on the defensive and won't accomplish anything. He is being a father by providing you and your son with a home. He might not be helping out with the child care like YOU want him to but, he is being a father. Men see their rolls as provider and that is what he is doing. You need to empathize with your husband. He probably will be more receptive to your request if you are. Good luck!

First, let me say that I can see how easy it would be for him to just skip spending time with his son - with two jobs and a move and such I'm sure he's busy and sees it as another imposition on his time. I am actually my husband's second marriage - he has two great daughters that are 25 and 19 and really regrets doing that same thing your husband is doing when they were young (with his first wife).

Second, I agree with the poster who said 'force him'.. it sounds harsh, but really he won't see it as a priority until he has to (or he goes through what my husband did and realizes what he missed a decade too late). I would make plans and have him watch your son (remember that it's not 'babysitting' because he is as responsible as you are). You might want to see some of your friends or just go to dinner but just make sure it's at least 3-4 hours (enough for him to see all aspects of personality and do a few diaper changes :)).

My husband was totally committed to spending as much time with my daughter as possible - even switching jobs so he didn't have to travel so much - but it's a shame he missed out on so much with his first two. Even then, he might not have done so much if I hadn't gone back to work when she was four weeks old (he ended up staying home with her for her first six months) - having my own career made a huge difference in forcing him to interact with her and now she is both a mommy's girl and a daddy's girl so that will probably help as well.

Best of luck!

S.

When you start your job, will that free up some money so that your husband can cut back on his work hours? I imagine he's just totally exhausted and wants/needs some time for himself. Which is not to say that he shouldn't spend some time with his son, just maybe he needs to decompress a little first...

Is it possible that he's being the same father that he had? My husband and I had several conversations about the father he knew how to be (based on learning from his dad) vs. the father he wanted to be. Every once in a while, he'll revert into absentness, but its easier for him to snap out of it when he remembers what he doesn't want.

Another thought, and not that you're doing this, is that one of my sisters criticized and nit-picked her husband to death - so much, that he just gave up trying.

Hugs to you all :)

He obviously works allot and is tired, and thinks he deserves that "me" time. When my husband got like that, I'd pick up and leave... alone. I'd leave the kids with him and he'd be forced to spend time with the children. I'd even set up things for them to do. And if Dad runs errands, why not take the kids with him?

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat

First, I need to agree with not using the term "babysitting" when a father spends time with his child. The next term we need to lose is "help." When you help someone, you are doing something that is not part of your job. Do not ask for help around the house unless all of the jobs in the house have been determined as yours -- this includes all aspects of child rearing. Your husband needs to do his part, and that is not only earning money. Does he want to be seen as a paycheck only?

I had a similar issue when my children were younger. My son, then 5 (daughter 2) solved the problem for me. We were talking in the living room one day - my husband was in the kitchen and within earshot. My son was talking about "all of us" going to the local carnival. "You know, Mom -- you, me and Elizabeth." Well, my husband heard that "all of us" did not include him. After pouting and having his feelings hurt, he started including himself more in our plans and activities -- even if that meant watching a movie he didn't necessarily want to watch but the kids were crazy about (fill in Disney film name here).

Sure, allow your husband to have down time because everyone works (in the home or outside of the home) and needs a few hours to themselves.

My advice to you is to include your husband in the things you do with your son on the weekends. Doesn't have to be much -- playing a game, coloring, etc. Your husband may start to see that spending time with his son can be more fun than work. Also, some men are intimidated by the closeness of a mom and child, and they don't feel they can do as good of a job. Spending time together will help him feel more competent when he spends time alone with your son.

Good luck. It's worth the effort!

If your husband hasn't gotten involved yet, you may just have to wait until your son is walking, talking and potty trained before you see any difference if ever. He has to decide for himself what kind of parent he is going to be. Maybe right now working two jobs so that you can stay at home is his way of being the best parent he can be...not all guys are into babies. Be supportive, and guide (not nag) him into being with his son more. Good luck!

Hi B.,
I think a lot of men feel that they are "doing their job as a father" if they are being responsible providers--which your hubby obviously is doing by working 2 jobs and getting your first home :)
Let me say that with little boys, especially, it's all about mom the first year or two and then, after that--look out! It will be all about Dad and your husband won't have much of a chance to be emotionally absent! My son is now 5, and although I am the one who knows every little quirk and preference and dislike--once Dad walks through the door--I'm chopped liver!
I also agree with the idea of getting out of the house alone (you!) and leaving him in charge of the care--but make sure your hubby gets a little free time to relax, too! After all, he deserves it as well!
Be aware that the first year or two with a child puts stress on a marriage and you've got the moving thing going on as well. Make sure the two of you get to spend some time together as well. It's so important for your marriage.

From reading this, you may already know the answer. Your husband works 2 jobs 5 days a week, so he's probably exhausted and stressed. You're moving into a new house, definitely a stressful situation. Since you have been the primary caregiver for your son, maybe he isn't reacting to your husband that much just yet. I definitely think that you need to talk to your husband again, though, because you don't want this to continue. Your son is starting to really develop his relationships now with family, and he needs hugs and kisses from Daddy just as much as from Mommy. When my oldest (now 8) was a baby, my husband didn't do much except when he had to (like when I had to work). When my daughter came around, I asked to do more, especially with our son, because I flat out told him that they were his too. He quickly understood, and now that all 3 are older (8, 6, and almost 3) he thrives on spending time with them. Don't get me wrong, when he comes home from work he goes straight upstairs and does his thing for about a half hour, then comes downstairs and sits on the couch, then may yell at them for being loud while he's watching TV. He's not Ward Cleaver, but he knows how important being a dad is and is willing to give up a little time for himself if it means watching my kids laugh (especially when they gang up on me!) Good luck, I hope things get a little better after the move.

I've had this same problem with my husband. When our daughter, now 2, was a baby, he didn't help much at all, he didn't seem able to connect with her. And, because I always did everything and didn't ask much, it continued. We've since made great strides. I joined a local mom's group for working moms (yeah, i work full time and still had to do all the caretaking at home for her), and found that by taking my daughter out to playgroups on weeknights and weekends, he started feeling left out and wanted more time with both of us. I also started doing some moms only events every other month and told him to mark the date, that he was going to have a daddy/daughter night while mommy went out. I wasn't asking, I was telling him. These have seemed to help tremendously. I still often feel like he could do more in sharing responsibility in parenting, but now that our daughter interacts and talks, teases, etc., he is more receptive and interactive with her and seems to want to do more. Up until last month, he had never taken her anywhere by himself. Well, he finally did it. Not a long trip, but he did it. I think a lot of it was him needing to feel confident and competent to be on his own. He once told me that it seemed to him like I knew what I was doing and he didn't feel like he did and by me nagging him to do more with her, it made him feel less confident. We now both agree that we both work full-time and need to share our parenting responsibilities. He now realizes when he's not around or doesn't spend time with her, she wonders where daddy is or why he isn't spending time with us. When your son gets a little older and starts asking for his daddy, hopefully your husband will "get it" that his son needs him. Good luck!

I think this is normal for alot of men. My husband did the same. He didn't start really getting involved until my son was old enough to start throwing a basketball, football, etc. Now they are best friends. I wouldn't worry or push too much...you can't make it happen.

Hi B.! Wow he works two jobs he is probably sooo tired come the weekend BUT no excuses really. Parenting is a tough job and the two of you have to do it together. My husband is also really tired on weekends because he is up at 4am everyday to do a paper route and then off to his "real job" until 5pm. We have two little guys so it's even tougher for him to get in naps on weekends these days. Just yesterday he was kind of just laying around in the afternoon after he got back from the pool with our 4 yr.old. And I said listen I know you are tired but hey so am I we have to be a team and do this together. We do try to give each other breaks-- I'll take both of the boys out so he can get some alone time and vice versa. This is really helpful to us. Hope this helps a little...guys are just not as good as we ladies running on little energy...and that's not saying too much:) leah

I have been trying to get my husband to help out for 6 years. We have 2 daughters and from the words, "its a girl", I have gone at it alone. It is like I am a single parent.
I am a SAHM and he works full time in a steel mill. He feels that because I made a choice to stay home, I am responsible for everything!

I know that your husband works 2 jobs and he may be stressed, but so are you. You will soon take on two jobs...one outside the home and one taking care of your son.
Even though he works two jobs it does not excuse him from being a daddy. Your son will not wait for him to grow up. He is going to grow up with or without his daddy. Your husband may regret not spending time with your son when he is all grown up.