I Don't Know How to Phrase This a Quaestion About Dads

I was the "dad" you speak of: I worked unreasonable hours as the primary breadwinner in our family (and for those who believe their breadwinners choose those long hours, I have a very different perspective. Knowing your family relies on your paycheck to pay the mortgage is a considerable weight). My husband was usually home by 3:30 every afternoon. If I worked 50 - 55 hours a week, it was a good week!

Still, I made sure I connected with my kids. I was the one who kept on top of the school work and in touch with the teachers. When I was home before they were asleep (most nights, thankfully), I handled the bed time routine and the story-reading. When I travelled for work, I called home every day and would some times carry a copy of a favorite bed time book & read it to them from the road. I remember once waiting for a flight in Miami airport, reading to them & getting very strange looks (and, honest, I had stepped away from the crowd & kept my voice down -- I think it's hugely rude to force your phone conversations on others).

The point is, regardless of gender, a parent is a parent -- and as committed to their children and their marriage as they choose to be. It can be difficult when you're working like a crazy person, but with some help (and sometimes some suggestions from the one more often at home), it can be done.

Troy's hours are all over the place and he is always there for us. Really we are not needy folk mind you but still, just because someone works doesn't negate their loyalty and love of their family.

I think the true difference is the needs of everyone. I have found that if the wife is needy it doesn't matter if dad comes home at four or nine she is still going to feel he isn't there for her. That wears on him and he feels his work is unappreciated. The relationship breaks down and the kids are just along for the ride.

Then you get the needy men, they can be home at four or nine and they never feel their family appreciates their work, it doesn't matter if the family is lined up with welcome home dad.

I guess I am saying it isn't the hours it is the people involved.

I don't think it's only about the hours a man works but also what he does with his free time. If a man is willing to spend his free time with his wife and children and not just pursuing his favorite activities he will be closer to his family, I'm not saying he has to give up his weekly golf game or fishing trip but he needs to understand that his wife and kids need his time too. His family needs to who he is and what he enjoys. I know a lot of adults who can't tell you mom or dad's favorite color or what kind of books they enjoy or if they like carrot cake or angel food better.
Men who feel that if they provide a good home, decent food and clothes for their family and they are done are so wrong. Many kids would rather have time with dad in the evenings and on weekends than the best house in the neighborhood or the super cool jeans or shoes.
I know for myself I would rather have had daily walks and talks with my dad than braces on my teeth.

Riley's answer was perfect!

It is quite possible for a husband/father to work many hours and have a close relationship with his family. My husband is in the car business, and for a long time he worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. It's not quite so bad now. He only works 5 days a week now, but still works very long days. He is devoted to our family, and our boys adore him. He knows exactly how they are doing in school, and often helps them with homework. He plays with them, and teaches them things around the house (building, working with tools, fixing things). They have can talk to him about anything, and he gives them excellent advice. He also makes time for me, and together we show them what a happy marriage looks like. :)

My father was a 9-5 kinda guy. He would be home by 5:15 and sit in front of the tv until I went to bed. He would break for dinner but thats about it. He only played with us on Saturdays and it wasnt for very long. My husband works 12 hour days, 6 days a week. He comes home and spends every last moment with my son and I. He only does personal times after my son goes to bed. My son loves his father and loves to play with him. My husband will come home dead tired, but hes never too exhausted to play a game or two of elefun with my 3 yr old :)

My husband works a ton. He travels for work and the kids usually only see him on the weekends. Even on the rare occasion that he is in town, he goes into the office before the kids wake up and doesn't come home until the kids are in bed. We have a very strong and happy marriage. As a result, I feel our family unit is very tight. My one requirement to him working like he does is that he is home by 6pm on Friday night. And that the work stays at work (no working from home, no going into the office, no fielding lengthy phone calls, only dealing with emails after the kids and I are in bed). He does a great job of this. On the weekends he does about 80% of the parenting. He takes all 4 out to breakfast and the parks. The whole family plays games and goes out to dinner. I think it's his attitude when he is home of being a very hands on father that makes the difference.

I actually don't agree with you on that. My husband works swing shift and doesn't get home until 10:30pm. He is the best dad I've ever seen! He gets up in the morning with them and lets me sleep in. He takes them to school and picks up our son from preschool before he goes to work. When the kids are in school, that is our mini date time (as we call it since our son is only in school 3 days a week until 12pm). We like to work out together (we have a nice trail behind our house) or go out for breakfast, or just hang out at home and watch a movie together. Last night he brought me home some red roses. We are about to have our 10 year anniversary next month too. He has in the past worked a 9-5 job and also a 6am to 2pm job too. It's harder with the swing shift and we are hoping for a morning shift job after his 1 year mark at this new job, but the kids love him to death and he would do anything for them. On the weekends before he goes to work, he is at the park with them and playing with them.

VM:

EVERY FAMILY IS DIFFERENT.

My husband's dad? Worked his butt off - but when he came home? The kids were to be seen and NOT heard. They did NOT eat dinner as a family and my FIL was NOT involved in their lives. Bob told me he went to ONE Cub Scout event and complained about it.

My dad? Served our country proudly for 27 years. There were times he was gone out to sea for 12 months. His ship was hit in Vietnam. My dad was the Senior Master Chief of the ship so the gray car came to OUR home. Thank God there were only injuries and no one died.

My dad was and still is (even from the other side of the US) involved in our lives - all three of us kids - and his grandkids.

My husband? Chose family over career. He chose to do his best while he was at the office and then come home to family - vowing to NEVER be like his dad. I don't feel "special"...my husband gives me attention - but this is life.

My GF? She and her husband both work - he travels almost every week. But when he is home - he is HOME.

It has nothing to do with hours worked or the job - it has everything to do with mentality and the MAN....there are men who come home and eat alone or watch TV or whatever...there are men that can work 50 hours a week and still find time for the wife and kids.

My hubby is in retail and has always worked many hours, most evenings, and every Saturday. It's about finding the right balance and what works for the entire family. Overall, I do agree that with the majority of families that I know where dad works lots hours, or 2 jobs, often the marraige suffers and the kids don't have a strong relationship with dad. However, it doesn't have to be that way if everyone works together.

My girlsl are now teens and they have a wonderful relationship with their father. Most of their friends also have a relationship with him.

Here's some of the things that we've done to make things work for us...

When the girls were little, bed time was always 9:00 pm, that way they could spend some time with Daddy when he got home from work at 8:30, and dad could tuck them in.

Sunday we reserve for family activities.

Monday (dad's day off) dad does errands like grocery shoppping, banking, post office, which he can get done a lot faster by himself and when the stores aren't so busy.

At least once a month (on Mondays) he will meet me at work and we'll have lunch together.

Also, when the kids were in elementary school, dad was the one who would attend many of the concerts, etc, that took place in the morning; that way neither of us had to use any of our sick/vaction time.

At all costs, he should try to find a new job that allows for him to have a relationship with the kids before their grown and his wife gets despondent because she's emotionally neglected and for purposes, alone in marriage and alone raising her children.

He needs to weigh the pros and cons. Will all the money and/or success in the world be worth it when the career or job ends and he has no relationship with his grown children or bitter wife if she's still home?

In the bible the point is made that no one can serve two masters. The question you pose should really read..."What's more important? Money or family? Some men don't have a choice, so God bless them for their sacrifice. Others do, and they should ask themselves if their pursuits are really for the good of the family or for selfish reasons.

My husband works 70-80 hours a week at his business. He only sleeps maybe 3-5 hours a day, so he can have time with us. He is tired a lot, and we both know that is not good. But, this is the way it is for us. I try to make things nice for him at home and help with as much as I can. I think all families have their problems, strong unit or not. Some dads are good and some just don't care. I'm not sure if the dads work schedule has a lot to do with it. Either they care, or they don't.

I don't think a Daddy who is home for dinner every night is not automatically better. If a man is going to be a good father, he's going to do that regarless of what time of day he gets to spend time with his wife & kids.

The time they do get to spend together is much less likely to be taken for granted, I can tell you that for sure.

My husband is a cop. He worked rotating shifts up until 2 1/2 years ago. He missed pretty much every birthday, holiday, special occasion that you can think of. He tried very hard to schedule his time off for whenever we had something important, but it just wasn't always possible. A few years ago he put in for a slot in a middle school full-time. He's home almost every night for dinner/homework/sports/concerts as well as off on weekends. It was a huge adjustment for us all & to be honest this is the first year we're all truly comfortable with it. I prefer it this way because he's around more, but in the beginning it was definitely rough getting used to spending so much time together!

I've met many men who work those kinds of hours because, secretly, they don't want to have to deal with child rearing responsibilities. I don't think it only has to do with working hours.

I dont think its the hours they are at home that make the difference. its what they do with those hours once they are home. And I think some men have jobs that fullfill them in a different way and feel that responsibility to the job and have a work ethic that drives them to be at the office or job site longer hours to get the work done. Hard to find very many younger people who feel that way about work now. My husband is driven to provide for his family more strongly than some and that is his way of loving and caring for us. He earns the paycheck that supports us and if he cant be home every evening because he feels the pressure to support us. He would come home after long hours and fall asleep in the recliner because he was worn out. He was up and gone at 5am every morning. He tried his best to be the great dad, but in his mind, earning the money to support us was his way to show he loved us. I dont know much different. My dad was the same way. I knew he loved me and we have great memories of the time he was able to drop work and be with us. It wasnt often, but I knew he was doing what he had to do for us. I turned out great! So did my kids!

I think it is all in how things are percieved and how the time you have is spent. Now that my man is home more often and at "more ideal" hours I honestly do not spend as much time with him since there is tons of time to spend with him ... I find myself seeking alone time like I used to have. It may sound crazy but I liked the odd crazy hours of UPS and his band when we were in Texas ... sure I did a lot of it myself and he was worn out but it just made our together time that much more important and a priority for both of us.