Some of you may relate to this and some may not. I also was not sure what to call the title either. Please know I love my husband very much and he means the world to me and my children but I feel sometimes they he would rather do for everyone else than his own family. Like if a friend calls with a favor he jumps to run and help but the couple of times we had to move until we bought our home his so called friends were no shows. The one friend he has now has been truly loyal. Him and his wife helped out when we bought out home and helped moved they are wonderful people. But now when it comes to doing little things like planning a day with his family or going some where I get excuses. But when its somethig he wants he is all over it. Like if you have you read my profile you see I have 3 kids. Well we love the out doors. We like theme parks, water parks and all sorts of things. My husband because he wasnt really taken to any of that stuff does not really have the need for it except for camping and fishing the outdoor side. But his mother and brother like theme parks too she (his mother) bought us season passes for six flags last year my husband never used his, always gave an excuse as to not go. My husband works in AC and heating and spends alot of time in attics where in the summer get sometimes up to 120 degrees and he says I dont want a sunburn which is his biggest excuse for outings like that with us. Also the summer is his busiest time. I also try telling him that kids would like to spend time with him and of course there are other ways to spend time but there are also sun block and hats too. It has caused lots of fights and aruguments and ruined fun days planned. We are family who have limited income but my dream and hope would be to take my kids to Disney World some day before they all leave the house on me but my husband is like whats so great. I didnt get to go myself til I was older. Does anyone know how to help this situation? We do own a camp ground membership where we get to go just about anywhere. If thats not bad he also would rather work on our land than do minor things around our home or inside it.
I really feel for you. As for his work hours, there is nothing you can do about that. In today's times, it is sad that we have to work so much to "stay afloat". But in regards to his so-called friends, I would point out that he is putting more into the friendships than he is getting out. I also would point out that you feel they are taking priority over the family and how that makes you feel. Good luck.
I can relate T.. My husband works long hours...leaves early in the morning and home late in the evenings. He even works every other Saturday. So the Sundays or even weekends he has off, he just wants to lay around the house. I bet the last thing your husband wants to do is be out in the hot sun after spending working days in 120 degree heat. I've been married for over 10 years now myself, almost 38 years of age now and I've learned to pick my battles or you will never experience real peace in your life. I would cherish the time you have at home with him and yours kids. After chasing success most of my life, I've learned to enjoy and appreciate the simple things. My pastor also tells me that you catch more bees with honey so maybe try a different approach with your husband to express your wishes.
Dear T.,
I have been in your shoes in the past. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I know the hurt inside of you over this. You make it sound like it's no big deal, but I can read somewhat in between the lines. I got so tired of making excuses for my husband never wanting to spend time with me and my kids. He also would back out at the last minute on invitations with others.
I would recommend you consider taking at a look at www.RelationshipRich.org. It is a nonprofit group that claims to save over 80% of the marriages that come to them in trouble. I understand you are nowhere close to divorce, however this group helps each spouse see life through the other's eyes and enables them to see each other's needs. I personally know 4 couples who have gone through the class. It has worked literally miracles in many lives. Good Luck!
My husband has a very physical job (we own a Carpet Cleaning Company), and since we use the steam clean system, he sweats all day long - even in the winter. Moving furniture and everything, by the time he get's home his back is killing him and his clothes are soaked with sweat, and he's exhausted. So I try to consider this when planning things. I've been married for 17 years and dated 5 years before that. We've had a lot of ups and downs. There was a time when my husband was not plugged in, rather go fishing, bowling, softball, than hang with us. Housework, never lifted a finger, and basically we co-existed. It was gradual, but it happened. He was being selfish. I think your husband cares more what others think about him, and his insecurity is why he does what he does for his friends. I think the friends know this and play him, because obviously when he needs them they no show. That is a one sided friendship and he needs to lose them, because it will never change and he's missing out on some true friends and good family time trying to please these losers. He also needs to recognize that you need him to, and that what he is doing is being selfish and unloving, and it's really hurting you. Why would he not want to do everything to make his bride happy? You need quality time with him to feel loved, and he's depriving you of that love and you are not asking too much. As long as you consider his job, his physical well being, and make sure you schedule these events when he hasn't spend 12 hours in the attic. A book that helped my marriage alot "The Five Languages of Love". It's an easy read and talks about identifying what your spouse needs and trying to fill their love tank. We read that book over 10 years ago, and still apply it daily to our marriage. It's 5 easy principles to follow, and you will be amazed and find your husband has something he wishes you would do for him.
I relate - boy do I relate.
1. Read the 5 Love Languages. Yours is quality time. Figure out your husband's.
2. HVAC is a brutal career in the summer - he likely can't AFFORD to take time off - either because he would lose his job (if he is an employee) or because he would lose his customers (if he is the owner). The HVAC guys I know are dead come the end of September because they work 60-80 hours a week in hot attics (think the sauna where they tell you not to spend more than 30 minutes).
3. See reason 2 as the reason that he may prefer to be outside. To be honest, my husband prefers the inside and I prefer the outside - so he does most of the Saturday cleaning and I do most of the yard work.
4. You love theme parks. Yay. I hate theme parks and would rather get a root canal than to go back to Disney world. Truly. IT was hell. My husband takes the kids who are old enough to things like six flags, and when they're all old enough I guess he will take them to DW - or maybe he'll bring grandma. I don't care. I'd rather pay for a nanny than put myself through that trauma again. I'd rather stay home and swim or go to a water park (Both of which my husband HATE). Why don't you and the kids go camping with him before and after the start of the summer AC Crunch time?
S.
You husband is not at all unusual,especially considering his job - I can see why he has no interest whatsoever in going to amusement parks during the summer. Some people just don't like those sorts of activities, myself included. We have taken our kids to Disney World, but only in December when it's not so hot or crowded and only because we were in the area for other activities (a business meeting and a wedding). I would suggest you take advantage of his camping and fishing interest to spend time as a family, since that is what he enjoys and just count that blessing. And, just save your money so you can take your kids to Disney. My husband is the same way about family vacations and we have a better time when it's just me and the boys as all my husband wants to do is sit around the hotel and watch TV or read, so he mays well stay at home and do that. He does take our sons on camping trips, which is something I don't enjoy, so I exclude myself from that. Also, does he like bowling or the video/game arcades? That might be something you could do as a family during the heat of the summer. My husband is EXACTLY like yours about doing stuff inside the house - he just putters around our one acre while the house falls apart around us. The only thing that motivates him is when I get estimates to get work done - nothing motivates him more than the thought of paying a big chunk of money to someone to do something he could do himself.
sounds as though counseling would be a great idea so you can get input from a uninvolved professional also you didnt say if you were a christian family or not if so i would suggest talkin to your pastor, and when you find a counselor make sure he is christian also ,the values god had set forth in the bible for a man and his family should take care of most of your problems if your husband is a man of god. and if not it would be a good time to start thinking of the religious aspect of your life not just for yourself but for your children have a blessed day
T.,
Make family events things you all like. If he doesn't like amusement parks, then don't make it a big deal and take the kids yourselves.
If you all like camping, or at least you all can tolerate it, then make that your "family thing" and count on those memories for the group things and the other stuff as fun "mom only things".
