How to Set Boundaries with Parents and In-laws: Food

Month long visits? That's awfully long. Is it possible to have shorter visits, but more of them? Even 2 visits of 2 weeks would be better.
You have a tough situation. Normally I would say don't worry so much, but I assume you have reasons for worrying (like genetic weight problems or eating disorders or emotional eating in the family).
I was going to suggest ideas (like making a schedule so they cook some nights and you cook other nights) but they may be too domineering for that.
Try to remember that kids have short memories, and although the visits feel long, your own parenting will be the dominant influence on their habits.
When we are on a vacation, or there is some other special circumstance, we just figure, 'well, this a special time, so we can allow special rules' and let it go.
But like you say, it is hard to ignore for a month. If you both agree to be very firm with the mothers, you can tell them that they had their time of parenting, and now it is your turn...also that they are guests in your home and causing you both stress by overruling your household policy, and if they will not agree to some simple rules then you may need to keep their visits to a shorter period to avoid confusing the children (and kids DO get confused about who is in charge!
Maybe the worry of losing time with their grandkids will help keep them in line.
Also, if you can afford it, you could visit them instead, which would give you control over the length of the visit.

Dear J.,

Grandparents, especially those who only see the kids and grandkids a couple of times each year (if that), naturally want to do for and spoil their family a little. My suggestions:

Shop and stock your kitchen ahead of time

Limit the candy

You or your husband serve the portions of food for your child and let your mothers both know, you don't force your child to eat if he says he's full, but he doesn't get treats (candy or dessert, if he doesn't eat the healthy food).

Enjoy their help, rest as much as you can and turn your attention to the new baby and bonding with the family.

A month will be over before you know it. If issues come up, you speak with your mom and have your husband speak with his. I would really try to avoid hurt feelings, at a time when life should be wonderful with your new baby.

Blessings.....

As a Mom of four children, day care provider for 36 years, and have yearly trainings with the state food program and a college class of in cooking and feeeing children, I have had some experience. The most important thing is to not have eating battles with your kids. Adults buy, cook and serve the food. That is our responsibility. The child eats a little or alot or nothing at all. That is their responsibility. A new food may be served ten times before a child will eat it. That is normal. We serve meals and meals three hours apart and a snack and a meal two hours apart. I had a new boy in care who didn't eat for two weeks. Mom said to give him bread and butter but we have guidelines we must follow. After two weeks he ate everything I served. He knew that I would not give him bread and butter to eat. My friend has a new boy that only will eat spaghettios and peanut butter on bread at home. He is not beginning to eat at day care. We have treats for birthdays and holidays in day care. Parents give treats at home knowing they have eaten well in day care. Meals and snacks need to be served in a happy environment. My sister came to visit when our Mom was in the hospital and I just sorta let her do her thing while she was with us. She wanted our six month old baby to feed herself using a littel spoon and fork. The day she left my son gave her the spoon in one hand and the fork in the other. She looked at her food and put her face in it! You are lucky to have your Mom and Mil help. I didn't have any help when my four babies were born. It was rough. I would pick your battles carefully, like "NO Candy during the week and a treat on Saturday" or something like that. Or "One cookie after dinner" or whatever you want. Maybe you could write down a few rules and post them in the kitchen and then leave your Mom and Mil alone as long as they followed the most important things for your child. Kids tell me that they can do things at home and I say "That is great, but here we do this or that." Your child will learn that Grandmas do things differently than Mom, this is okay, and that you are the Mom and this is your home in the long run.
Sorry so long.

F.

Oh,.... SO "Been in your shoes"!
I wish I could give you a magic phrase, or tell you that if you just use the right tone of voice,.... but, alas... NOPE.

I can offer encouragement, and perhaps an idea or two.

First, remember, it will only be a short while. I know, a month FEELS like a long time now. But remember, with a new little one, and a toddler... it will go by so quickly!

Perhaps Dad could intervene? Sometimes MIL do better, when they hear it from their "little darling"... =-)
Other than help from hubby, you may just have to "let it go".... something that is hard to do when we feel so strongly about an important issue.... but,
You and your husband will have a LIFETIME of healthy eating and good habits..... this won't hurt in the big picture.

I hope I am not making you feel dismissed... I just remember being so worried about this same issue with my first and second. By the time I'd had my fifth, I looked back with gratitude at the words the baby doc had said, "You know Mom, they bounce."..... (Said after my little one took a tumble off the bed.) Not what I wanted to hear at the time,... I was SO worried. But I later came to use those words myself.

When things don't go EXACTLY as I planned, (I am a slight control freak.), I had to remind myself... They bounce.

Hang in there, enjoy the visit, and relax in the beauty of the moment. Sooner than you had hoped, you will be cooking again, juggling a toddler and a newborn, and wondering where all the help went.

Have a great day, and Happy Baby!

Hi J.,
I'm a family therapist, and my advice would be that you and your husband start seeing yourselves more as a 'team' against your mothers-- you need to practice not letting them control your lives so much, and I expect you will see benefits in all aspects of your life. The main key is to back each other up, and each of you take on your own mom (mostly). This will never work if one of you says, 'Mom, we're going to do it this way' and the other says, 'Golly, Mary, do it however you like.'
Best of luck!

J.,

Your problems are much bigger than just food and eating styles. It seems to me that both your mother and MIL don’t respect you as a mother. It’s your family, your house – IE... your rules. You need to stand up for yourself. If, you don’t have the energy because you’re pregnant – your husband needs to tell them both to, “back off”, do it now or this will only get worse.
I had my son a year ago and had a lot of family around, and although I normally enjoy having them as guests, it drove me crazy. I really wanted them to all leave. I would NEVER have ANY family over again if I were having another baby, only me, my husband and son.
Having a baby is stressful enough; you don’t need the people who have come to “help” making your life worse. If it was me, and I’m serious – I’d tell my mom to go home and my MIL not to come until a few weeks after the baby were born.

However, most people are not like me, so instead, stand up for yourself and what you know is right.
Good luck

Keep in mind, they will leave. (Mine won't and I'm living with your problem every day of the week.)

Set up hotel rooms ahead of time.

As for mom's cooking, maybe work together to make the menus, expect several veggies.

Kindly remind them that they don't have to agree, but the do need to be respectful. I take care of my mom and my husband deals with his.

When they bring gifts of candy, say thank you and put it away. Explain treats happen after the healthy food goes into the body. Remind them that you are the parents.

s