How to Say Your "Not in the Mood" W/o Crushing His Ego?

I totally understand. I now only say no if we had sex the night before, otherwise it is just not worth the drama for the extra 20 minutes of sleep I would get by saying no. Plus, when he is happy and sexually satisfied he helps me more around the house without me having to ask, so it ends up being a win for both of us :)

Wow, 3 times a week! I would say that is more than average IMO!

I don't have any advice but wanted to say that I totally hear what you are saying.

Love the responder who said you just need to get good at the HJ and BJ - that's hilarious! So on that note I thought I'd add this - I picked up some massage oil recently and (TMI alert!!!!!!) proceeded to give him an HJ with it. Wow. I barely had to move my arm at all! Just rub the oil all around the tip for about one minute and voila, you can go to sleep :)

Your husband is acting like a huge pouty baby. He is turning things around so it seems like it is something you have done wrong. Not "being in the mood" isn't a crime against him or his ego. Unless he is that insecure. Personally, I think he is being immature and trying to use guilt to get you to have more sex, how is that satisfying for you? I think hubby needs to realize that sex should be for both of you, its not all about him and his needs. I don't think you should have to come up with some creative way of saying you are not in the mood--this is his issue! I know you will probably get a bunch of responses talking about how sex equals love for men and blah blah blah, but really men are not Neanderthals and I would hope could be logical enough to understand that someone might not be up for having sex all the time. Personally, I think many women do not give their men enough credit or expect enough out of them. Hey, if I am not in the mood, then I am not in the mood! Period. He can always make friends with his left hand---I was not put on this earth to please my husband every time he is in the mood, and it certainly is not the reason we married each other.

I'm totally on the other side of this. I will say, it feels lousy to be turned down. It feels worse to feel like I am being "placated" and he'd rather be asleep when we are having sex.

How often do you initiate? My guess is that he always initiates and whether or not it happens is up to you. That's not a good pattern, because he's always on guard about being rejected.

Try making a deal to at least X number of times per week with the stipulation that you initiate 1/2 the time. It doesn't sound so romantic to plan it out, but it will make him feel better if you initiate, believe me. Those feelings of insecurity will abate if he feels like _you_ want _him_. Hopefully also you can "psych yourself up" for those times so the sex will be more fun for you as well.

Finally, even if you're not having sex, try showing your husband a little "sexy affection." A kiss, something. You can let him know that it's not going anywhere that night, but those feelings of insecurity are real, and they will eat at your marriage. Trust me.

Hi there!
I've read a few of the responses you've gotten & I've got to say that I'm fairly shocked at how many women out there really believe it's our 'job' as a wife to please our husbands whether we really want to or not.

My husband & I went through precisely what you're describing for a good long while when the kids were very small. I honestly believe that as women, we generally work harder than men. I'm not saying that men are lazy, I'm saying we have more people counting on us more often & we are only human also.

My husband had a hard time understanding that I worked just as many hours outside of the home as he did, earned half as much, and because I worked all day-work & he worked shift-work, once I came home I was on my own with 2 tiny kids as well. He would get home from work in the middle of the night which was 3 hours before I had to get up & expect to just jump into bed & get things going. Sorry, but no, especially not on a day where I hadn't even seen him all day & certainly hadn't been made to feel like anything more than a sleeping lump he wanted to have sex with.

I'm exagerating of course, but I'm willing to bet you get my drift. We sat down & had a long conversation after what felt like a never-ending time period where I wasn't feeling like a woman & he was feeling rejected & both of our feelings were hurt. We decided we needed to be there more for each other, him for me mentally & me for him physically & we needed to COMPROMISE, which does not mean I needed to start having sex with him every time the thought crossed his mind.

As the kids got a little older it became much easier to fit it in on weekend afternoons, early mornings, etc. but really once the kids didn't need me to do every single little thing for them I started to remember what it felt like to be Melissa & not just Super-Mom.

Please, oh please, oh please, don't feel like you have to have sex every time he wants to. You have been very understanding of him and sensitive to his feelings, now he needs to be understanding and sensitive to you also.

I absolutely disagree with Dr. Laura's book and that all men need is sex and a sandwich. I also disagree that men only feel loved through sex. My husband never pitches a fit when I am just too exhausted to be in the mood. We have a great sex life, but we have kids with demanding medical needs and he understands if I am just too exhausted.

It sounds like your husband has some deep seated insecurities and they will not be cured with sex on demand. Ask him why he feels all those things. Explain how you feel.

Marriage is not all about seeing things from the man's point of view and catering to his every whim. It's about BOTH partners meeting in the middle and living a life of caring and sacrifice. You shouldn't have to dread going to bed......he needs to be as understanding of you as you have been to him.

Good luck!

Pre-emptive comment (before he initiates anything): "Sweetheart, I so miss the days before kids when I had enough energy to make love with you every day! Days like today I'm just so exhausted I can't even keep my eyes open once the kids are in bed. I'm just so happy you're such a wonderful, understanding man! Love you!" Drop into bed, close your eyes....

Martha P hit on exactly what I was going to say. I too spent quite a bit of time and energy "rejecting" my husband because I was too tired/exhausted/over-stimulated. We have 4 kids, 10, 7, 2.5 & 13 months. I'm home all day with the kids and deal with their constant fighting/crying/clinging/whining/mess-making...etc. I had heard about The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands on here, and just out of shear curisoty, I picked it up. I started reading and decided very early on into it that I needed to get into an open mindset and absorb whatever she was saying without getting defensive. It worked, and I really got a lot out of it.

Do a quick search on the physical benefits of sex. You may be surprised that you will get more out of it than he probably will, lol. I live with migrains almost daily, and at best, I go to bed with an average headache just about ever night. The best medicine for a headache?? Sex. When my neck and shoulder muscles are tight and sore with stress...sex takes care of it. Did you know that sex (moreso the absorbing of seamen) is a natural anti-depressant in women? My point is that you are probably causing all of these problems (headache, stress, depression) for yourself by rejecting him. Not to mention what it does to him...all for the desire for an extra 1/2 hour of sleep? Not worth it in my book. Unless you've got a marathon lover on your hands, relax and give him that very small amount of time from your day.

I think YOU would benefit from the exciting sex life as well, it doesn't have to be a chore for you and a bonus for your husband. You are married and being intimate is part of marriage. Get your mind ready for it...call him, send him texts and have a great night/morning....have FUN looking forward to it! Going through the motions without the emotions are difficult to disguise. You will feel better health wise and will have a closer relationship with your husband. He is feeling rejected by you and that's sad. You wouldn't neglect your children if they needed you....hubby deserves the same respect. Remember back to when you were newly married or were TTC....you wanted him then I bet. Give it an honest try....I bet everyone will be happy and you wont miss the little sleep you are missing because you will be energized. Good luck!!

Lets turn that around. What if he was not in the mood to tell you that he loved you? Men are not women. They give and recieve love through sex. He wants you to want him as much as he wants you, and he wants you because he loves you and he wants to show you. I could not be anymore simple than that. You cannot refuse him without crushing him, and you are crushing him if you refuse. What if you were the one that initated? What if you gave him what he wants, and he did not have to feel badly for being who he is? How much more time, intamacy, and fun could you have with a happy husband? I know, you are tired. You are used up by the kids. Been there, done that too. But trust me, once I realized that I was hurting the man I loved the most so deeply by putting him last on my list, I decided to put him first, and I have to say, I have never been happier.

Read the Proper care and Feeding of Husbands. I don't like everything Dr. Laura says, and I could not care less about her womans movement therory, but she nails how men think dead on. Read it, and ask your husband. Just buy reading this book, he will feel like you love him, and will be touched and happy that you took the time to care about how he really feels, instead of trying to make him fit into how you feel. He can't do that, and you will not be sorry if you find time for him. He really will swim through shark infested waters to get you lemonaid.

Sex and Sandwhiches. Secret of life.

M.

Try having sex in the morning sometimes or even in the middle of the night. I have three kids and am pregnant with number four so there are times I am so exhausted at night. I'll tell my husband, I'm so tired but wake me up in the middle of the night. Or some mornings if I wake up before the alarm clock goes off, I'll roll over and wake him up ;) Night time is actually the worst time to have sex b/c you’re exhausted. I found the more I have sex, the more I want it.

I encourage you to do research or read books on how to improve your sex life. I did and my marriage has improved so much. We had a good marriage before but it's much better now. My husband has rediscovered his romantic side and it's not always him initiating sex now, I do it too. Give it a try :)

He wants it all the time but you have sex three times a week. I feel like you are balanced there. It sounds like you give of yourself so don't allow any guilt to enter in you mind. Not to be offensive, but he sounds kind of needy though I'm sure he is a good man. The only thing I can think of to help avoid his feelings of rejection is to offer to give him a back rub instead, or offer to please him without it turning into a whole long sex session. If he constantly wants more and more, maybe there is something lacking in other areas. To me, when a man constantly wants sex, I think he is really saying "pay attention to me, pay attention to me...!" Children take a lot out of us and tend to leave us only a little of ourselves for our spouse. Make sure the kids are in bed early every night and then spend the rest of the evening paying attention to each other whether it be sex, talking, a late night candlelight dinner.....

I usually just come up with some kind of TMI "girl" thing that would back him off. Period, cold sore (to avoid BJs!), or something else. No graphic explanation, just a suggestion that things aren't "right' down there and it's better to stay away for now.

OR

Just get very good at the HJ, BJ, or my personal favorite, the booby f*c*. (Sorry if this is too graphic). All take very little effort on yours part and still satisfy him.

I wish there were a magic answer for this! I tried explaining to my DH the term "touched out" (after having 2 kids on me all.day.long. sometimes the last thing I want is to have any more contact with anyone, and I just need some time to myself to feel like me again). He didn't really get it, b/c he doesn't know how it feels to be me. Even when he's home, I have at least 1 kids on me most of the day. We've had that whole "guilty" conversation, too. He doesn't try to intentionally make me feel guilty, I know it's more b/c I feel guilty that I'm so tired from the kids I don't have the energy for DH. What works is for me to just be honest about how I feel. We still sometimes have the conversations, but for the most part DH has gotten to where he understands a little more, even if he can't relate to how I feel. I do agree with PP who said to tell him before you're in bed, though! And "planning" also helps me, so I have something to look forward to (and I'll drink some extra caffeine later in the day when I normally wouldn't;).

Almost forgot to add this! Something I've heard is to have a candle on your nightstand. If you are in the mood, light your candle. This is a good way to let him know yes or no without having a huge conversation. (But still talk to him about how you feel, then initiate something like this)

You have some great answers here I would agree with (say yes with openness more than you want to and you'll reap the benefits, I promise) but I also want to point out that the timing and clarity of "rejections" are key too -- in bed when he's expecting and charged up are bound to be frustrating for anyone. No he doesn't handle it well, but I think fear of confrontation and avoidance make it worse. My DH and I went through a long stretch when I felt like you, and every bedtime was fraught with tension -- him hoping, me trying to just avoid it, him wondering, me not wanting to say NO even thought I wanted to... I found that on those days when I know I can't say yes, I try to let him know early and clearly, so he doesn't head to the bed hoping for sex. Be straightforward, but be gentle too, recognize that it;s hard to always be the initiator -- you hold ALL the power in your dynamic, so wield it with compassion.

While I see Martha's point, I think I would have more issue over your hubby's reaction to the fact that you're not interested. It seems a little over the top to me. You guys are married, and you'll be there tomorrow...I don't see why he reacts like that. That would bug me more than just coming to grips with the supply/demand issue.

This may sound stupid, by we have a little wall hanging that has little pegs on it that say "my mood today is..." and then lists several. Could you do something like that where you can indicate to him that you are actually in the mood and he won't have to ask or be let down?

I think 3 times a week is completely reasonable (he's a lucky guys--LOL). Maybe you need to see a therapist to discuss this... It would be great to strengthen your marriage and to make both of you feel listened to and empowered.

3 times a week? Wow! Ya'll are living it up!
On a serious note, I have the same issue. I have fibromyalgia and take some heavy meds before bedtime that zonk me out. My hubby has quickly learned to act before the meds kick in if he wants to get lucky. I've also told him her would also stand a better chance in the mornings before our son wakes up.
It's been a total flip-flop in our relationship. He went through a dry spell just before we got pregnant with out son.
I've explained to him that it is not that I don't want him; its just the 20 minutes of extra sleep is so much more appealing to me right now.
I've also figured out that if I can ever "get into it," I actually do enjoy it, even if I didn't want to do it to start with.

You are definitely allowed not to be in the mood. This is a common problem for busy Moms. Talk to your husband when he is not "approaching" you. Tell him you adore him and find him sexy, but that sometimes you are just exhausted from the day. Then I suggest you actually plan encounters. Then he will have all day to know he will NOT be rejected on a particular night or morning. Plus you can touch more, text each other suggestive words, etc... in anticipation.........so you will prepare (and possibly nap) and hopefully look forward to the encounter!

I'd also suggest a lunchtime encounter. Something surprising and exciting......he can hold on to that memory for years!

I think that you need to sit down and have a talk with your husband at a time other than when you have just turned him down. 3 times a week seems to me like you are putting in a great amount of effort to pleasing him. Are you ok with him "taking care of himself"? I guess how you handle the situation has to do with how you feel about that question.....

Wow... What interesting answers!! 3 times a week sounds reasonable in my opinion.

I really think that communication is the key. And I would actually recommend couple's therapy for you both. There's a reason that he feels soooo rejected when you say no, and sorry, but I don't agree with you doing it because you feel guilty and don't want to hurt his feelings. For me it's sort of manipulating and crossing boundaries. And obviously it bothers both of you, so it would not hurt to get to the bottom of it. Not only could it improve your relationship to understand each other better, it would likely improve your intimate relationship also. Notice that I didn't say sex life... there's more to a relationship than the actual act of sex if you ask me, and you can be intimate without having sex even when you're tired. I have to have a connection to feel in the mood, and if that isn't there, there's a problem.

Just my two cents...

A week or so ago there was a pretty cool article on "Mamapedia Voices". I sent the link to my husband. :) Good luck with everything, I know this can be a sensitive subject.

http://www.mamapedia.com/voices/a-tired-moms-guide-to-pas...