How to Punish One Without Punishing All?

I have a 5 yr old the same way! I am not willing to back down because then the others will stop doing their chores to since 1 of them gets away with it.
You can still do all these activities but he has to sit out while the others enjoy themselves. Easy things to do at home he can be "grounded from" are have a ice cream party with all the fixings that they get to put on themselves, run outside in the sprinkler, movie day etc. Maybe when he sees the other kids having fun he will do his chores next time.

As a teacher I do not think it is fair for everyone to be punished for what one person has done. Can you go to the pool and park anyway and the six year can just sat down instead of enjoying himself? Maybe next time he will think twice about doing his chores. If he gets to do what the others are doing without doing his chores, then he will never do them because he knows there are no consequences.

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Oh I have had kids like that. I hate to say this but I plot against them. My little mind goes to work to find what I can begin to take or add that will make him or her as uncomfortable as I am. Some things I have done is to prepare a yummy treat for all those that have behaved. I don't give any warning that this treat may come. I just throw together something and then announce that anyone who has followed directions is invited to eat this yummy treat with me. They can't earn it back either. They had better just make sure next time that they follow directions. I have not allowed them to leave their room until their chore is done. I have taken the next five things they have asked for and said "NO!" and then reminded them of their poor behavior. I take TV time, computer time, favorite games, toys.... you name it and I will take it.

I may sound mean to other people but I have a bunch of kids and I don't want to mess around with poor behaving kids. I don't have time. Either you play by my rules or I don't let you play at all. I know my husband has been called to settle fights between parents and kids. (He's a cop.) In the end he marches parents into the kids room. He looks at the parents and he says all this belongs to you, not your child. Take it all. Don't even leave the door. When they learn to behave, they can have it back.

I try never to punish all my kids for one child's misbehavoir, so there are times when we have went swimming and the naughty one is benched. There are times when we have played in the park and the naughty one has to sit at a picnic table. I have made my kids run laps in the back yard for misbehavior. They have ate peanut butter sandwiches while the rest have gotten happy meals.

Be creative and carry it out. It won't be fun to watch them suffer but I can tell you it improvesthe way the behave and you won't have to put up with the poor behavior all the time. Remember you have younger ones watching to see what they will be able to do. If you handle the older ones right the younger ones won't want to misbehave.

Find a punishment and stick go through with it. A couple of months ago my oldest child 10yrs was being disrespectfu and not doing small amout of chores. Really complaining about it making a HUGE deal.
Anyhow we were having ice cream for dessert. He had to sit there while his brother and sister eat their ice cream. It drove him absolutely nuts. It also helped curve the negative behavior.

I always just took mine to the park/pool/whatever anyway and the grounded one just had to sit there and watch the rest of us have fun. Make sure you give plenty of warning first. 'We are going to the park later. If your clothes are not neatly put away in the correct drawers in 10 mins, you will not get to play. You will just have to sit under a tree while we are there.' This way he has a choice. Give another warning at 5 mins and let him know this is his last warning. Then follow through. No need to raise your voice, cojole, or get angry. Just state the deal. 'you need to do this to get that' Sit him under a tree where you can see him and let the others play. Make sure you go play some too. He needs to see that his behavior didn't rob you of a good time. If he starts to whine or throw a fit, just keep calm and remind him that he made this choice and now must live with it. The set out the choice about accepting the consequences, or continuing to whine/cry/throw a fit and getting additional consequences (no dessert, no park tomorrow, no tv, whatever), then walk away and play with the others.
I would not give him anything to do. If he has a toy, book, crayons, etc. then he is just having a different kind of fun. If you give him school work, work books, or force him to read during this time, he will equate these things as punishment. Certainly not the goal! :)
These are tough situations and you will feel like an ogre, but really you are doing him a huge favor. Everyone needs to learn that there are basic responsibilities in life and there are consequences (lost job, failing grades, etc.) for not doing them.
The opposite is also true. If you do what you need to in a timely manner, there are positive consequences. 'If you get your clothes put away properly in ten minutes, you can get a popsicle when we go to the park.'
Good luck with this and I will be joining the prayers for your hubby's safe return!

We have found two different things work with our kids.

We have three children who respond to the punishment of taking them to the park and making them sit there while the rest of us have fun. (The punishment most if not all of the other moms have given.)

My fourth child responds to a completely different punishment. If he doesn't do his chores...then he's responsible for everyone's chores. (He also doesn't get to play in the pool or whatever activity we do that day.)

The idea of having his chores, plus his sisters' chores annoys him...so he gets his work done so he doesn't have to deal with all the extra chores.

Good luck! I hope you find something that works for you!

I have found several things have worked when it comes to doing chores (and we don't do sticker charts and such because they are such a pain to keep up with).

Try the House Fairy. She comes to the bedroom unexpectedly and leaves a surprise if the room is clean and fairy dust if it its not. Our House Fairy leaves gifts from the dollar section at Target, she's even brought toothbrushes as gifts! The House Fairy also knows if the other chores aren't done. You can get the House Fairy at www.housefairy.org or invent your own. You never know when the House Fairy is coming! Perhaps she will leave a surprise for the other kids and not your son! My daughter loves the House Fairy and she's going to be 9. Her room is neat 98% of the time! It's great positive reinforcement and you don't have to be the bad guy!

We also use a timer. Set a timer for a reasonable amount of time. If the chore has several steps you're going to have to set the timer for each step. If he's done before the timer goes off then he gets a small reward (keep it small, and things you DO are better rewards than toys or food. So maybe he gets to choose a game or something).

If he's in his room refusing to do his work, set a stopwatch. For every minute he's NOT working, that's how long he's in Time Out at the park. Basically I say you're paying me back for the wasted time e.g. you waste MY time, I waste YOURS.

When you go to the park, set the timer for the amount of time he wasted. That's how long he has to sit on the sidelines and do NOTHING. Watching other kids play is TORTURE! So it will work even better since you have other kids.

These have worked for us! Good luck!

What a great question! I'm sure we've all been in this predicament. What I did was when we went to the park, the other kids got to play, but my son had to sit on the bench with me and not get any play time. I didn’t take any books, crayons, games or anything for him to play with because then he would still be having fun right?? He whined for a bit, but after I told every time you whine, you get another park day taken away. That got him to stop. It was hard for me because I’m a Mom who loved to get up and play occasionally whether it’s chasing the kids, playing soccer or tag. It was exercise time for me =-) LOL

After several times of this happening his behavior at home changed dramatically. It was the best plan of action and it totally worked!

I've also used Lee P's method which works like a charm every time in my home, but it doesn't work for all kids. Good luck!

My eldest used to do this and now my youngest does it. He just doesn't want to do it.

Give him a time to get the chore done. If it is putting away clothes, then 10 mins should be sufficient. Tell him that he has 10 minutes to put his clothes away or he will not be able to swim when the rest of the family goes to the pool (I am VERY okay with having one child sitting in the lounge chair while the others are having fun!). Be firm and mean what you say. Just because you are taking the to an activity doesn't mean that everyone had to participate in that activity. You will most likely only have to do this once or twice and he will get the picture. Be ready for a fit. He will give you one saying how unfair it is that his siblings get to play and he doesn't. Just calmly remind him that he didn't do his work so he does not get to play.

There is no reason why he cannot sit on the sidelines while your other children have fun.

Good Luck

Good for you for teaching your children about doing chores! I think it is awesome that even your 3-year-old is learning to help around the house. It's good to get them started when they are young and they still think it is fun! If you wait until they are 9 or 10, like the last poster wrote, I think you are going to have an even more difficult task on your hands. Kids that age, who have learned that they are entitled to an easy life, are often a handful at school.

The benefits: your kids learn to be others-centered, they learn to show gratitude, they learn that their actions are important to others, they learn how to demonstrate their love for others, etc. How awesome to let them learn this early.

Now for your question, make a chart and give your kids points for getting things done, with extra points if done without extra "coaching." Then when your kids go to the park, the ones with the most points get the best treats or get first choice of which park, first choice of where to sit in the car, etc. Look for ways to include all of your kids in the fun rewards, but have varying degrees of privileges. Rewards seem to work better for most kids than punishments.

Okay, I like the answers about working with him and the motivation explanation. I am always interested in why, so I wonder what makes your little one say that he can't.

What I want to address is the "punishment" part, though. I don't like to think of it in terms of punishment. I like to teach that in our family everybody has a role to play and a job to do. This is what makes things work around here. Anybody who does not participate in the family work does not get to participate in the family play. The point can be made even more clearly when you have other children because he can see just what he's missing. Take him to the pool, but make him sit out with you and watch the other children have fun. Still have fun with him (laugh and play some), but don't let him get into the water.

When you go to the pool with all 3, only the 2 who did their chores get an ice-cream. If you go to the zoo, only the 2 who did their chores get to ride the carousel or train (or whatever else there might be). And so on and so forth. He'll learn very quickly that it's in his best interest to get those chores done after he's missed out on a couple of privileges. The trick is to actually follow through with it. It's hard to watch one child lose out on something, but you gotta stick to it for it to be effective. And of course, the other 2 MUST NOT tease the one for losing out. Good luck!

Go to the park or the pool or whatever else you had planned! Dont let his punishment stop you. Secretly pack a bag with a change of clothes and towel and so forth for the pool. Then - in front of him - pack a bag of work books, pens, pencils, reading books etc. Do not let him wear his swim trunks - he has to wear his reg shorts and shirt - like jean shorts and a t shirt...
Let the other two have fun while he has to sit there and watch them and do workbooks and miss out for the first hour - then ever 30 minutes after that he can go in the water and come back out for 30 minutes and do more work. This way it keeps his school retention up, teaches him what he loses out on and it will embarress him in front of any of friends that might be there - when they ask him to come on and join them and he cant becausse its not his TIME yet.
Same thing with the park - make him sit a table and sit out for a while and watch the fun he gets to miss out on....
Good luck - and I have been there and done that - when others - like friends - witness the punishment it tends to be much harder on them and they learn much quicker!

Is it possible that he is not lazy but is getting overwhelmed by the task at hand? Each child is different and will handle things like chores, homework, stress in different ways. My suggestion, on top of trying some incentives like earning an allowance for chores, or earning privileges like TV, going to the park etc., would be to break the chore down for him.

When he says he can't, he may be telling you the truth. Because he is using the word "can't" and not saying that he doesn't want to, it makes me thinking he is getting overwhelmed.

My son has a very high IQ and is very capable, but gets easily overwhelmed. If I break the task down for him, like OK first put your socks away, then put your shirts away..etc. he is more likely to get the task done. Otherwise he does nothing and gets distracted and then there is usually a bigger mess than there was to start with.

You may have to try a few different ideas and find what works, but definitely talk to you son on what he thinks. Let him be part of the process of deciding how to accomplish his chores. Then he will feel like he was part of the solution and not part of the problem.

Good luck, I'm sure you will find something that works!

That's a tough situation... but my thought is, since you have to take everyone into account, to try to motivate him to get done what he needs to, rather than punish him for not. Research shows that positive reinforcement is far more effective than punishment anyhow.

Have you tried making things like this a game with the kids? Maybe a race to see who can get their clothes put away (or whatever the chore is) before an egg timer goes off? I'd maybe steer clear of making it a competition between the kids so as not to promote rivalry, but make it a race against a timer. Maybe the winner gets a sticker or something. This always works with my son (4 1/2). When I ask him to do something, and I see him starting to whine or whatever that he doesn't want to do it, I immediately look at my watch, and say, "the clock's ticking! See if you can beat the clock!" And he takes off!!! It's amazing how the attitude changes when it's a challenge, rather than a chore... Just a thought.

I'd also be sure to dole out tons of praise to any of the kids who do as asked, and especially if your oldest son accomplishes a goal.

I reward the others, and exclude the naughty one. If we go out for ice cream, the child that is misbehaving has to sit there with us while we all enjoy our ice cream. Same concept for the park, beach, etc....This is something we learned through Love & Logic, and it really works well. My son is semi-lazy, but not bratty, so I find that taking away priviledges seems to work better for him. It causes him to have to rise to a certain level of accountability to earn those things back. My daughter is a different story......
Good luck : )

K.

This is a very necessary thing for you to address. You are teaching him attitudes and life skills. first of all I would give a time limit.Always speak in a positive calm voice through out. It is important to be firm but positve. Also do not say things over and over. Begging or pleading for them to get it done makes them worse and gives them negative attention. Actually the fact that you have a fun event coming up makes it easy. This is called using natural consequences which is so much better for children than external stickers and charts. Using natural consequences teaches children how to be intrinsically motivated or motivated within themselves and not dependent on people outside of themselves.
"I need you to have this done is _____ minutes and I am setting the timer on the stove. At that time we are leaving for the park/pool. I need it done and I need you dressed for the park/pool. (Give adequate time but not too much). If it is not done by then you will not be participating at the park/pool. It is important that you help in our family and that you not lolly gag and whine about it. I need it done and I need it done on time and with a good attitude. You are a smart and strong boy and I know you can do it."
Then have everything ready to go when the timer goes off and if he has not gotten it done he will sit out at the park/pool. You must be firm and not give in the entire time or it will make him worse.
I disagree with the person that said you should still talk and have fun there. I say he has to sit away from you so that you do not have to listen to the whining which will insue. I would bring a magazine or visit with friends and enjoy yourself like you usually do.Do not discuss it much after that except to not be angry just matter of fact.
"I am sorry that you chose not to help me with the chores. Next time I know you will get it all done so that you can play/swim with your little brother or sister etc."
I was taught this method by my oldest daughter's Montessorri teacher and it saved my life with my three kids and in the classroom. I teach first grade.

I think you've gotten great responses so far, but I'd like to add that with my girls (they are 6 and 4), making it a game or a race seems to work every time! I will fold the clothes and say "who do you think can put away their pile the fastest?" (reminding them that the clothes have to be put away NEATLY of course!), then we all 3 race to see who gets done first. Same thing with their room. If I get involved with the cleaning, it goes even faster. I say "I bet I can put away the Barbies before you can put away all the blocks" and then we race. (I usually let one of them win, or make it very close) Or I will say "I bet I can unload and load the dishwasher before you guys can clean your room". If something just really needs to get done, then I will set the timer and say if it's not done before the timer goes off, then you will lose X. If they don't get it done, I will set the timer for a few more minutes and say ok, next time the timer goes off, you will lose X (something else). etc., etc. This usually ends in tears LOL but it shows them that if they don't do what they're told, they CHOOSE the consequence.
Good luck, especially with the deployment. My hubby just got back in April, so I feel your pain!

LOL, not at you, but with you. My son is the same way. Drives me bonkers. What has worked recently is that I give him a choice - he can do it or he can pay me to do it. When he asks how much, I give a pretty high number. For putting away clothes, I would say $50. He gets an allowance, but this would be beyond his means. He says it's a ripoff, of course, and I say that I could sell his DS to get the $$. If he says no to both, then I say that I will know his answer by *whatever timeframe I think is reasonable* (say 30 minutes from now). You have to do things you are willing to follow through on, of course. Then if he doesn't do it, you get the $$ or take the DS, or whatever you have decided on. Then it's all over (no punishment) and he can go to the park or pool and his siblings don't get punished either. Another option is to offer to trade chores with him. If you are cleaning the bathroom that day, you can say that you will do the laundry and he can clean the bathroom. He won't do that more than once, usually.
I just took a class called Loving On Purpose and it uses some of the same tools as Love and Logic. They have websites that might be helpful to you.

This is VERY common with kids your son's age! My son was exactly the same- either he constantly forgot to do things, or just took SO LONG to do them it was ridiculous!

At age 6, he is absorbing a LOT of new stuff, and honestly, our doctor told me, that my son's brain really was just not always able to focus on the task at hand. This is also worse with boys, btw than girls. You can punish for this- I admit, I raised my voice and took away cartoon privileges ,etc. but it never seemed to really help.

Here is what we did:

1) Write the chores down on a list. Set a kitchen timer and time how long it takes (on average) to do each chore. Show the kids that you will tell them the chore and then set the timer and - they're off! The kid who finishes first, doing the chore correctly gets a Popsicle or some other little treat. REWARD good behavior- just as important as negative consequences for bad behavior. It also gives your other kids a way to see that doing their chores is a good thing.

2)If your husband is deploying, maybe your son is feeling some pressure as the oldest kid. He probably has more responsibilities than the younger ones and is also maybe more aware from the tv, etc. that his dad is deploying and what that means. Talk to him about the responsibilities of showing a good example for the younger kids and that they look up to him to be the 'leader'.

Make sure he feels reassured about his dad's deployment- worry and trying to get attention because of it shows up in kids in a lot of different ways. Your son is still little- maybe even though he knows his dad has to go, this is one little way to try and get attention.

3)If you need to punish- take away things that your son likes that are NOT family activities like going to the pool. Does he play a video game or have a favorite cartoon, etc? If he does his chores, he earns 10 minutes of video game time per chore. If he does NOT do them, he needs to go to his room or finish the chore while his siblings get to watch a movie or play a game.

When my son got older, I would have him write lines. He hated it, but it did make him do his chores! Remember, the 'punishment' is usually BOREDOM. Playing video games or watching TV is NOT A RIGHT- just because the other kids do it,etc. He has to EARN those privileges through chores.

The one other thing we always stressed with my son was his attitude. We still do this today. It is not enough to DO the chore. You have to 'show willing' as we put it, and have a good attitude while doing it. A good example of this is feeding the dogs.

If my son says " I'll do it in a minute' or forgets, we sit down and have a talk about how much our pets love us and how they rely completely on us for food and water. I ask " How would you feel if you were really hungry and it was past dinnertime and you were waiting to eat and I said " just a minute until I finish this level on my game" and left you standing there hungry?" This makes him THINK about his behavior.

He earns an allowance of $10 every two weeks (on payday, he gets paid just like we do). However- he only gets this if he has been doing well in school, doing his homework with no nagging needed from me, and if he has a GOOD ATTITUDE about it and isn't sulking and grumping around. If I catch him sighing or acting like that, I remind him of the 'show willing' deal and that he will forfeit his allowance if he continues. Your son is a little young for this approach, but keep it in mind for later!

I also loved the other poster whose son didn't get the ice cream for dessert! My son has a sweet tooth and I don't allow dessert all the time, so not letting him have ice cream is a BIG punishment for him too, lol!

Good luck- I am sure you can handle this. It sounds pretty normal boy-stuff to me. Good luck to your husband and I hope he is safe during his deployment. God Bless!

I have to agree with some of the other mom's, you have to figure out what works. I liked the idea where if your going out and getting ice cream and you have to bring all of your kids then you and others get ice cream and the other doesn't. Sometimes time out works and sometimes it doesn't. Spankings I believe and when my son get older I will enforce with a mix of other things. I know your pain too, my husband is in the army and he deployed last year and I was pregnant, but fortunately he got to come home early last October instead of coming home this year in May. Good luck to you and thank your husband for serving and I hope he returns safe to you and your family. :)

What great responses you've gotten (except the one who thinks chores for young children are ridiculous)! I have only 1 - he's 4 1/2, and we use a chore chart that is age appropriate for him. He works on commission (Dave Ramsey financial plan). Daily things like feeding pets and picking up toys earns him a dollar at the end of the week. He gets a sticker on a chart for every day he does it and unless he has 6 (even God had a day of rest), he doesn't get a dollar. Once a week things like taking out the garbage, or vacuuming his room can also earn him a dollar. The more he does, the more he earns. I have never seen a child more motivated! And - he's using his own money to buy a toy if he wants it. He's getting way less toys since he has to pay for it and he's learning about money and how much things cost as well.

As far as punishments go, in the Dave Ramsey system, he would be punishing himself. No work, no money. Otherwise - we tend to take away my son's precious bike. That has worked very well for us. Also - my friend who has 2 kids will sometimes not let both go to the pool because of what one has done. Sometimes peer pressure is better than parent pressure. Best of luck! Sounds like you have your hands more than full!

Perhaps he needs more time with you and praise when he does what you want him to do. It is not always effective to punish children . You need to pick your battles. i would say that punishment is appropriate for agressive acts against siblings or friends-time out from fun activities. Do not make the time out longer than his age (6 minutes for a 6 year old).Talk to him at the end of the time out. They tend to forget why they have been punished. Make sure he understands what you expect of him and why. He may also feel badly about your husband going away. Try to talk to him and get his co-operation to do as many chores as you can. Maybe he feels overwhelmed by the laundry. I can tell that you are frustrated by his behavior, but be patient, work with him and it will all work out in the end. Judy

There is no reason you can't keep doing what youy doing. Put your guilt aside and this is one of the best ways for kids to learn just make it realitstic. He can sit there and watch what he is missing and that is not cruel or anything. It is a circumstance specific concequence. Don't be afraid to dig your heels in a bit and NEVER give in. You would be sending our a terrible message and your other kids would be very upset and with good reason. Good luck!

First of all your little ones have chores? Wow, little ones should not have to worry about putting away laundry and daily chores. Punishing a 6 year old for not doing chores sounds absolutley ridiculous. What is even more RIDICULOUS is a 3 year old being punished for not doing chores!!!!Little kids should be little kids. I think 9 or 10 years old is more appropriate age for chores, but putting away laundry is not one of them. A 3 year old does not even understand what the word "chore" means!! I feel very sad for your children.

Dr. Jim Fay or Love and Logic says not all kids should have the same consequences in the family.
It's hard to explain....but it makes sense.....why punish your kids who listen and comply?

Check out his stuff: loveandlogic.com

you are VERY smart for doing something when he is 6!!!!

Try ideas below and here's a link for more details:
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/02/22/...
Positive discipline teaches children rules and behaviors in a respectful, loving and considerate way. It requires thought, planning and patience from parents and caretakers, such as:

* “No, don’t run inside!” becomes, “What happened to our walking feet? Where do we use our running feet?” or “We will go outside soon and you can show me how fast you can run.”
* “No, don’t throw the blocks!” becomes, “When did our blocks grow wings?” or “Let’s try building a castle and see what happens!”

He is already missing dad, and needs to have dad to himself for a little while, he is old enough that either he remembers the other times dad was gone or understands now. His version of 6 months or 1 year are like a life time or forever. And he is not happy about this, See if you can get him to help make some home movies to send to dad while he is gone, start now, with the every day things that you all do as a family, Take turns with the camera so you get different views make two, one for yourself and one to send to dad when he leaves.
These will give him something to see and remember and be assured that dad still is dad and will be back as soon as he can.
Been there good luck, who is this harder on the kids or you? BOTH just in different ways.

I had one child like that. He didn't say "I can't," he just either took FOREVER to do it or just didn't do it. He usually took so long that I finally did it. My other 2 aren't like that. That tendency also showed itself in his schoolwork.

That son is now 21, and hasn't really changed. What I will say from my personal experience is that it's not worth fighting over and punishing. You are going to make your life miserable. I would just keep his chores really simple and limited, provided he does well in other things. If he can't fold clothes, find something else he can do, or you are in for long years of battling. \

Focus on what your son CAN do and is really good at. Have him do those kinds of things and really praise him for doing them. Fold the laundry yourself.

Your other two can still fold their laundry, and your one son can feed the dog or something. Everything does not need to be equal among children.

I would take everyone to the pool, park, where ever and then make him sit out.

My 6 year old has gotten lazy this year. She was always good with clean up and listening and now she is frequently in la la land. Unfortunaltely that means she frequently sits out when we go to the pool and park and even yesterday at Costco everyone had hotdogs as a treat, and she didn't. Lots of whining and complaining at these times, but I'm keeping at it and hoping she'll get it together soon. Good luck with your son!