Chores as Consequences, How Do You Enforce?

Try to redirect him so that he doesn't do anything to get into trouble in the first place. Try to do something (a chore) together-not as punishment, but something that needs to get done-and instill in him the feeling of satisfaction for a job well done. Start with things that don't take long-like folding a laundry, washing the car windshield, unloading the dishwasher, etc.

I have/had this issue with my daughter, 8 years old. What I have done is add on extra chores to her chore list, as well as take away her allowance completely. She received money for a gift for xmas and I took that away as well, that crushed her. However, what I have noticed does seem to work is prior to school if she is in trouble, or gets in trouble, I do let her know that after homework is finished she will need to do xyz and if her attitude or issues persist she gets harder work albeit not impossible work. Short of being made to cook for the family she at one time or another as a punishment has been made to do just about everything around the home.

as an older mom, it is so disheartening to hear stories like this. My sons had chores. My sons fought us over their chores. My sons were disciplined over non-cooperation of said chores. But I never had a "mental list" of how to hurt them the most....& that's what your statement says to me: You deliberately pick what he hates most & assign him those. How sad.

Do I apologize if my words seem harsh to you? Normally, I would....but after reading your post....I just can't.

I truly believe that the chore assigned: weeding the 2'x6' garden bed....is more than what a 6yo should be responsible for. It also concerns me that at age 6, he is already strong-willed & defiant enough to repeatedly stand firm against you. If your relationship is like this now, what will teenhood be?

Have you ever heard of the "1-2-3 Magic" method of discipline? I truly believe your family would benefit from this. It's easy to implement, & I've been using it for years. It will end this power struggle between you.

I sincerely wish you Peace.

EDIT: (after your SWH)....this is a perfect example of how we cannot help if we're not told the entire story. Going back thru previous questions, looking at your profile, reading your responses to others.... is tedious & not always a true picture. Not many people take the time to fully understand your situation & how it applies/affects your post.

If you had mentioned the content of your SWH upfront....then we would not all be left with a feeling of disconnect. & it's not that you wasted our time...or we wasted yours. It's just without details, important details such as these, our answers tend to be non-answers which do not apply to your unique & specific situation. I wish you Peace.

You should NEVER give chores as a punishment. Children need to understand that keeping their home clean and nice looking inside and out is simply a part of life.
You are setting him up to become a totally messy adult man. He will believe that keeping his own home clean is a bad thing.

AND you are double punishing him you have taken away TV and his games AND told him he has to weed a flower bed.

To help him to understand how fortunate he is to have a home to live in and a family who loves him; take him to a homeless shelter and have him volunteer to help the homeless. This is not a punishment. Both you and he or he and his dad could volunteer on Saturday mornings to help the homeless. The more time he spends with people who have no home and no family to help them the more he will learn how lucky he is to have a home and family.

ADDED:
I am adding this after your 'so what happened'. It would have been helpful had we known your son has Aspbergers. Aspbergers is not the end of the world. Many well known and wealthy people have Aspbergers, Bill Gates, Donald Trump and Dan Ackroyd all have Aspbergers and Ackroyd also has Tourette's symdrom.
There is a meetup group for Mom's of Autistic children. Go to meetup.com to see if there is one in your area. Being able to share information and frustrations with a group of Mom's who have the same issues as you may be helpful.

Sounds like you have *empty threat syndrome*. Please re-read your post, especially "....for every week he takes to complete that chore.....", I have never heard of such a thing.

My kids would have their room stripped of EVERYTHING & not be able to do anything other than sit in their empty room UNTIL he is ready to complete the chore.

At 6 yrs old he has total control of your home. Hate to see what's in your future!

ETA: Why in the world did you leave out such important information like your son has Aspergers? I would never have responded to your post if you were more detailed. Best wishes

Why would you make chores a punishment or even an ocassion for punishment? That's a good way to ensure he'll never develop a sense of responsiblity for caring for his things and respecting you and your rules by being a team player at home.

I think it's real important to make chores a good thing in his mind. Sure, the producers of the TLC TV show "Hoarders" might be thrilled to have a potential future guest on their show if he comes to associate "clean" with punishment and a reason for a power struggle and control issues with you, his parents. I think you're going to quickly find out this is a tactic that's not going to work.

I think punishments should involve the removal of "privileges" such as no TV or playtime at his friends house for an afternoon. Chores should be an expectation at home. But most importantly, age appropriate. Pulling weeds might be too much for a child his age. Requiring him to make his bed, help clear the table, and get his homework done is more realistic. He probably won't be ready for yard work until he's 12, when he can do more physically.

For now, focus on basic house duties. He needs to learn how to clean a house, take care of his things, and do his part to make the house run smoothly. If he has never had an allowance, a small list of very simple chores that are easily accomplished is a great opportunity to give him an allowance. Don't make the goals so impossible to reach he gets discouraged and overwhelmed before he gets started. (pictures that clearly illustrate the duties is great for young kids (Is this the child with Asperger's? If so you especially want things simplified if he has a tendancy to have trouble with focus and attention so he can gain confidence. You may also have to modify your expectations and realize he may not be able to do certain things just yet.)

See: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/2995.html

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/8863.html

http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/organization-254952-5.html

If he does a good job completing "simple" chores, he can earn money for that as a reward and incentive. If he doesn't get it done, or procrastinates, no money...just like a real job. But I think using chores as punishment may be barking up the wrong tree...and sending the wrong message.

If you're at a loss for possible discipline methods, check out www.drray.com. Click on the "MEDIA" button. He has all of his past TV and radio broadcasts archived. He is fantastic and practical when it comes to getting the best out of our children. Whatever you do make chores a positive thing. His future college room mates and his wife will thank you for it.

I also have sons diagnosed Asperger's. I agree that you are going about this kind of backwards. Please reconsider the Love & Logic books (and web site). My sons responded well with the 1-2-3 Magic approach up until high school, you might reconsider that approach as well. You may need reminding that 1) keep anger (emotion) out of your response and 2) pick what you are willing to "battle" over, say yelling back is something you won't tolerate but kicking his shoes off over to the other side of the room can be addressed later; basically, ONE thing at a time.

I had a psychologist suggest this:
1. Your son has done X
2. You say, that's wrong and won't be tolerated with me; you have one hour of no privileges.
3. For that one hour, say "No" for any request he makes.
Mom, I want to go outside. Sorry, son, you have to wait.
Mom, I want to watch tv. Sorry, son, you have to wait.
Mom, I want to have a snack. Sorry, son, you have to wait because what you did (X) is the wrong thing to do (or is bad behavior or will not be tolerated).
4. After the hour (or whatever amount you chose) is over, be positive with any good behavior, complement right choices, and remind him you love him even if he does something "wrong".

IMHO, you are treating your 6-yr-old as if he was a 16-yr-old and he has you dancing to his tune!

Good luck!

You are caught up in a huge power struggle and it will only get worse unless you change your tactics now. First, your son doesn't do something you desire(breaking your rule), you make a threat (weed the garden), he refuses. Taking things away only makes him less compliant, hate doing chores or feeling good about taking on responsibility and you both end up wrecking your relationship. It happens all the time. I saw it happen when I was a teacher and parent. The "magic solution" for me is learning Jim Fay's Love and Logic methods. He has a book especially for early childhood ages. You have to set limits, give choices that are ok with you, and use empathy over anger when holding your child accountable. It really works and helps you realize that parenting is a hard business, but you can learn how to work through problems lovingly and logically. What I like most is it isn't a band-aid. What you teach your child when using these methods actually sets them up to be better adults. Believe me, it is better to figure out reasonable solutions at age 6 rather than 16! Go to www.loveandlogic.com for more information. They even have a great facebook page and email newsletter you can subscribe to. Good luck and I hope this helps!
A.

I'm sorry. I don't agree with having him pull weeds as a punishment. I say this because when I was his age, I had to pull weeds as a punishment and it only caused me to hate doing it, and to hate doing all chores. For me, kids need to learn that chores are a part of life. It's part of taking pride in what you have. I think with making them a punishment will only confuse that.
When my seven year old gets out of line, he is not allowed to play with toys, or do anything that he likes to do for a certain amount of time. With my son being seven years old, he is too old for timeout, but I find that having him have a timeout for 30 minutes, usually does the trick. Either that, or I will have him go straight to bed right after bath time. After dinner, he usually gets to play for about an hour before bath, and then after bath, he usually gets milk and movie time to help him wind down before it is time for bed. So, when he gets out of line, he eats his dinner, and after his bath time I will send him to bed. I only had to do that once. Of course every child is different and certain punishments may work for some children, while the same punishments won't work for another child. I hope this helps and I hope you can find something that will work for ya.

So you are saying that your son has never had money?
or are you saying that he has never had consistency?

I don't bribe my kids. I give them the rules, why we have the rules.

Giving a 6 year old a chore to weed a garden. That's not a chore for a six year old unless they have gardening experience.

Sounds like you have lost control of the house and are trying to get it back.
Set rules, boundaries and limits. The consequences are the same for broken rules. It won't be easy. You have let him have his way - and bribed him instead of setting rules and limits.

take it all away and make him EARN it back. Set the expectations - if you have to - write a rules chart - for example:

if it's not yours - don't touch it.
use your manners - please, thank you, may I
responsible for:
making bed every day
putting clothes away
emptying trash
setting the table for dinner

You have to model the behavior you want.

If he crosses his arms while you are watching over him? Girl - you have created a monster - sorry - he had been taught that he can get his way for 6 years and now you want to change it. This will be a long road to haul but you can do it. you and your husband MUST be on the same page and ensure that when a rule is broken, punishment is given swiftly - not "wait til your dad gets home"

So I say take away EVERYTHING and make him EARN it back. Is it extreme? Yes. but you have let him get away with too much and now this is the price of losing control.

Give him the rules. Penalties/punishment for broken rules.

imo, too many chances, not enough follow through, and i suspect this is not new which is why he knows your threats are basically meaningless. kids don't work on a "three weeks from now i will have earned three more chores if i don't finish this today" level...they work on a "that means i don't have to do it" level. you left him an out. of course he's not going to do it.

the rule in our house is "if you are told to do something and do not do it (meaning, RIGHT THEN), you are disciplined (right then)." there's not an option.

chores are done (each of us has a list we are responsible for - age appropriate, of course) when it's time to do them. because we are all family and we all need to help out, period.

i have never seen a kid that wouldn't do as he was asked if he was consistently disciplined. every time. without fail. WITHOUT caving.

Wait it out. There will come a time when he will ask YOU for something. Something to watch on TV, someplace fun to go, a friend to play with, something. And your response will be "yes, after you finish pulling the weeds" In the meantime, I'd be grateful he's at least spending time outside and not in front of screen entertainment. I wouldn't mind if it took awhile.

I have having a "motivational" problem with my 6yr old as well. I also saw another post with someone not sure how to make their 6yr old "happy". I would like to assume that there is something with the age. I am hoping M.'s who have gone thru this stage has some ideas.

I have tried using a "timer" with my son as well as taking away privileges, rewarding and/or removing distractions.

This is obviously not going to work. It is sad to me. He is six year old. I was adopted and raised by wonderful people who always made doing "chores" fun. We did yard work and housework together as a family. I can not imagine sending a six year old outside to weed any flower bed no matter what size alone as punishment.
I taught first grade for 15 yrs and raised three kids and we did chores as a natural part of the the day. Clean up one thing before you do the next or help mom weed this bed and then we can go to the park or pool etc.
Any consequences need to be fairly quick and done in a positive way not dragging on for weeks that is just awful. Wonder what "rules" he is breaking?

The first thing I would like to note is that you must be careful with using chores as a punishment. You don't want your child associating work with bad behavior. It could become an ingrained subconcious thought that work = bad. This could cause problems later when they are old enough to enter the workforce or in just maintaining a clean home when they have their own.

With that being said, the weeding issue may require you to sit out there with him the entire time. You can grab a book and a lawn chair and catch up on some light reading while keeping an eye on him. He can sit in front of the garden staring at it until it is done. If he tries to get up and move around the yard, pick him up, put him back down in front of the garden, and remind him that he can get up and play when he is done. Also remind him constantly why he has to do the weeding.

For example, "I understand you want to play, but you made the choice to do ...., so you must clean out the garden as punishment. You can go play when you are done."

Make sure he knows that what he is doing is a consequence of HIS CHOICES. It can become repetitious, tedious, and boring, but you will just have to keep repeating yourself over and over.

Time outs in the corner have never worked for my children. A punishment that I have found works for my children is squats. Make him stand against the wall and slide down the wall slightly, so the knees are slightly bent and the back is against the wall.

You can also make him stand in the corner straight up holding his arms out, like he is going to be doing arm circles. If needed, you can make him hold a tuna can in each hand that he has to hold up.

You can combine these two by making him squat and hold his arms out.

With both of the above punishments, the timer starts once he is in the position. Typically 3 minutes holding the position, in the beginning, is enough.

My son has had days where nothing worked with him. These are the days where he has become biligerant, stubborn, and even physically violent. On those days, I had to go to drastic measures to get through to him. I will send him to his room and remove EVERYTHING. No toys, no gaming systems, no TV, no books, NOTHING, except a bed. Its like a mini boot camp. He is only allowed out of his room to eat and go to the bathroom, but must ask permission before he can leave. This reinforces that he is being punished and cannot roam about freely.

After the allotted time, sit down and talk to him, face-to-face, about why he was stuck in his room and why he lost his stuff. Do NOT give him his toys back after he is released from his room. Make him EARN them back through good behavior.

Sounds like you were asking for additional trouble. If you couldn't enforce your rules before because he didn't care about any reward or punishment, then why would you think you could get him to follow through on another "rule" that would also somehow require enforcing?

It sounds like he's got you figured out. If he acts like he doesn't care about the punishment then you give up on it and try something else, effectively cutting the punishment short and him not having to deal with it again.

Really, it sounds like his personality is one that I label a "white" personality (from a system - it's not about skin color). White personalities value peace (inner and outer) more than anything else. They tend to go along, but will become the super stubborn the moment they feel they are being "told" to do something. They also crave respect and autonomy more than nearly any other personality. Does this sound like your son?

Somehow, you have to find a punishment that will not allow him to have his peace until he does what is neccessary. I don't know a lot about what you've tried in the past or what his behavior issues are, but for my husband it helps if I bring up topics with him, ask him for his help, give him a deadline of when I'd like it done and then allow him to decide when he'll do it within that deadline. If he doesn't get it done, we discuss how it makes me not trust him when he says something to me and how disappointed I am when I can't count on him.

Not sure how much that would work on a 6 year old, but it may be worth a shot.

Disregard if I am completely off the mark as I don't have a lot of information on your son.

In my personal opinion, 6 is a little young for this hard a line. Wait until he is 9 or 10 to be so hard.

Yes, the chores need to be completed. That being said, the punishment needs to fit the crime. If he is back talking, the he gets nothing until he ask nicely and treats you with respect, kinda thing. He doesn't get any food until the pets in the house get their food (if you have pets and that's one of his chores). You get the picture.

His punishment should be something related to the rule that he is breaking. Doing a random chore only makes him mad and more defiant. It would help to know what rules he is breaking the most often. The rules may need to be re-evaluated.

Hope this helps...

Here are some suggestions from "Love & Logic" parenting course and the link has more details:

http://blogs.goddardschool.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2012/01/13/l...

Try telling your child what they can do instead of what they can’t. Practice the positive alternatives below to avoid overusing the word “no” while maintaining reasonable limits.

• “Maybe later” can work to delay a request such as snacks or sweets before mealtime.

• “Not today” communicates that the timing is wrong but leaves the possibility open.

• “When we’ve done (this), then we can do (that).” This method is good for transition times and to help toddlers establish event routines. For example, “When all of your toys are put away, we can go play at the park.”

• “I’ll think about it” replaces an automatic “no” by allowing yourself the time to think about your determination. Parents tend to make better decisions when they take the time to think about the request and their response.

It sounds like the more you punish, the less effective you are. I would look into positive discipline instead. This is not 'positive reinforcement' or rewards/bribery. It is a philosophy of parenting that endeavors to develop intrinsic motivation in a child. It works on certain assumptions - children are generally doing the best they can for who they are today (not who they will be next year or who we want them to be), that all people (parents and children) deserve to be treated with respect and that one of the best ways to teach behavior is to model it ourselves.

I do not use 'consequences' with my son (6) and never have (other than 'natural' consequences such as gravity that he and I have no control over). He is not perfect but is generally a polite, empathetic, well behaved child. When he does not want to do something, I ask him why - rather than punishing him. Today I found out that he doesn't want to completely set the table (has been leaving out 1-2 utensils) because in his mind it is not fair that DH was not helping set at all. Now he understands that DH is cleaning all the dishes, so he can set all the dishes. He proposed that tomorrow he help clean the dishes and DH help set. It is a solution that respects all of us, seems somewhat reasonable and we will try.

I have a 13yods with Aspergers. A mental list would drive him nuts because he wouldn't know what to expect and as you know, they have to know what's coming. To him it'll feel like you just pulled it out of the blue and it has no bearing on what he's done wrong.

Instead, since you mentioned you have a rules list in the house I would make a consequence jar. Sit down with him, go over all the consequences, such as pulling weeds, and then when you (or he) pulls that out of the jar he wont be surprised (even if he has done it before). And I don't think I'd make him do all of the area. As you know with AS kids they tend to try and eat the whole elephant in one gulp, it's all they see. They don't see that if they break it down it's goes down much easier. I homeschool my son, so we have to break down his school work or he becomes greatly overloaded. His first question of the school day is always 'how many pages'. So when you tell him 'do the front garden bed' he sees it as HUGE and unattainable and will just shut down and stare. So either rope him off a section (visual) or give him a time limit. Problem with time limit is he's liable to just sit and do nothing for that time. So I would go with the roping off of a section of the bed.

You can also try and make a game of it. Have you tried taking a stopwatch out with you and asking him to see how many he can pull say in 30 seconds...and then keep repeating that till done? Joshua LOVED (and frankly still does) a timer/stopwatch. I could get him to do just about anything when I pulled that out & said "I'll time you" and often he'd say 'time me' and off he'd go.

And I wouldn't threaten with adding on the week. As you know AS kids brains function so much differently. He can say the meanest things to you and hurt you to the bone and 30 seconds later curl up in your lap and think you're the greatest thing on the planet. So he's not going to comprehend WAAAY out there. It will seem huge to him and senseless. As you know disciplining and aspie is vastly different than those without AS. We learned very quickly that physical discipline was right out with Joshua.

I know raising a child with AS is difficult. We didn't find out our son had it till he was 10. Then after that so much of his behavior made sense.

Best of luck to you.