7 Year Old Discipline

Hi J.-

My 5 and 7 year olds also have chores posted on the refrigerator. I pay no attention during the day to whether or not they are being done. If they don't do them, I'm not breathing down their necks or getting frustrated. At 7:00 I check on everything. They have 6 chores each and each is worth 10 minutes of "staying up time". If they have done no chores, they are going to bed at 7:00. If they have done all they can stay up until 8:00. If they have done 3 they stay up until 7:30. If it's something that needs to be done at a certain time (ex. setting the table for dinner) I will say once "it's time to set the table" if they ignore me I do it, but they are in bed early. My kids also earn their allowance through these chores. Each chore is worth 10 cents so by not doing their chore they lose 10 cents and 10 minutes of staying up at night.

For my kids staying up late and being able to buy something at the store on Saturday is a huge motivator...especially when one has earned these privileges and the other has not. You'll just have to figure out what your daughter's hot button is and stick to it. But like I said, looking over their shoulder and getting angry when it wasn't being done immediately was not productive in our house. Once I calmed down and made it their choice (with consequences) they started to understand.

Good luck,
K.

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I'd try talking to her first, in the context of a family meeting. Explain why everyone needs to chip in, ask what would happen if no one did their chores. Ask her why she doesn't want to do them. Is it the tasks themselves? The time? Get her input on what she would like to do and when. If she feel some ownership of it, not just being ordered to do it, then she might be more eager to pitch in.

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Hi J.
You did not mention what her chores were- I hope they are not too much for a 7yr old to grasp- but you might try this= a trade off- just remind her daily that the chores are posted and it is her responsibility to see they get done. Is it really important they get done same time every day? or that she does them? Trade her with something....when she ask for something tell her you will do that when this or that chore is done. Maybe that will inspire her to do them.......rewards don;t seem to matter with her- and punishment does not phase her either. Just be sure to pick your "battles" carefully...... only on the things that are really important.
If there is a favorite tv show she watches- deny that until one chore is done- then progress from that- deny something else she really wants.....it may be the list of chores is too many in her little eyes-possibly an unsurmountable mountain.
or- try sitting with her with a list of chores that you want her to do- let her choose which ones she would like to undertake- that way she may feel like she is taking part more in the process and may be more willing to do the ones she choses.....
good luck and blessings

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Wow, okay, with all due respect to some of the responders, 7 is very, very young to expect to just give her a job and leave her to it. Developmentally that is just too much. At this age she should be given small jobs, or one or two steps out of a bigger job, than the job should be performed with her, guiding her so she understands exactly how to do it and what is expected. THEN, after much repetition she can be sent to accomplish these task on her own. For example, "Go clean your room" may be completely different for her than to what you expect. You'll have to first show her what cleaning her room looks like and break it down into small jobs. "Pick up your stuffed animals off the floor, put your dirty clothes in the hamper, smooth your covers on your bed." And all being done while helping her at the same time.

I think the frustrations come when we expect something that is developmentally impossible, they attempt it, get frustrated and give up, which looks like obstiance to an adult. This age is still in the imitation stage and she should gently be guided to learn by imitating those around her. We have to remember we are a very important teacher to our children. The most important teacher and be aware of how sacred that job can be. Even in a society that undervalues it.

My best wishes to you.

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Log on to www.loveandlogic.com. This is a great resource for effective discipline techniques.

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Hi J.,

We've been there and lived that!

It sounds like it's time for a family meeting where everyone gets to talk about teamwork and who does what to help. Make sure your expectations are appropriate for your daughter's age and maturity. EXPECT (be positive) the work will get done. Set a firm deadline - i.e. by 7 PM these things will be done or all else stops until it is done. If everyone else completes their work, enjoy some family time and say, "we'd love to have you join us as soon as you've finished chores A and B". Praise what she does and how much she helps.

Incentives work only if they are not used on a regular basis. Beware of offering incentives for everything - that takes away the satisfaction for a job well done and focuses you daughter on the reward instead.

We did not tie the allowance to each of our kids contributions. I do think the idea of having to pay another person to do your work is a good one.

Remember to be your daughter's cheerleader, "I know you can do this!" and "What do you think of your work?" Keep everything as positive as possible, use some of the great suggestions you've read and she will find the motivation within to step up and be a team member.

Good Luck!

P. B

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some of these responses have made me a little sad. i have a 7 year old son, and he and i do chores together each day. i could never just give him a list of chores and expect him to do it, because he is just too young, and way to easily distracted.

some children may be mature or motivated enough to do a chore on their own, but in my experience, most 7 year olds are not.

please dont punish her, get her to help you with your chores, or give her very simple fun chores to do independantly, my son loves to use my swiffer wet jet to mop the floors, (not perfectly) and he can do that on his own, he can also wipe around the sink with a chlorox wipe, take his plates to the sink and help with his sister, but asking him to pick up toys, or make a bed is too much for him at the moment.

he has to do chores to earn a toy. one toy is worth 6 chores, i dont punish him for not doing them, if he doesnt do them, he doesnt get ANY new toys.

I'm afraid it sounds like your younger daughter is manipulating you. Kids are geniuses at this.

This is what I'd recommend. (And please bear in mind that I'm no child psychologist--just a Mom with lots of experience handling difficult behaviors--see my comment in the next paragraph about my son.) Rather than rewarding her for doing her chores, make her EARN privileges by doing her chores. Take away ALL her toys and make her earn them back. If she chooses NOT to comply, she knows what the consequences will be--she won't have some of her favorite stuff to play with. She needs to learn that YOU are the authority figure, not her. (Also, BE CONSISTENT here. Don't cave just because it's hard to see her unhappy. You'll only be doing yourself and your child a huge disservice.)

Another comment: I learned when trying to manage a severely autistic son that "ANY ATTENTION GIVEN TO A BEHAVIOR--GOOD OR BAD--IS REINFORCING OF THAT BEHAVIOR." What this means is, even when you are punishing your daughter for basically ignoring you, it is giving her the attention she wants to get. Therefore, she will continue the bad behavior because she gets what she wants from you. (attention) You need to put yourself in a position where you are prepared to "ignore" her right back (at least it seems like you're ignoring her). When she doesn't get what she wants by making you beg her to do her chores, she will probably turn around.

Be prepared for a LONG road here. If she is strong-willed at all, she will probably put up quite a fight to regain the control that she's had over you. If you stand strong and keep at it, you'll be amazed at the results in the long run.

Hope this helps a bit.

Try discussing the chore list with her and find out what she likes and dislikes and why. Maybe spread them out more and reward per chore rather than for completion of the list. I think the key issue right now is to tone down the negative interactions. You don't want to always be upset with her. Each child is different. One of my 10 year old twins will diligently complete all of her tasks and the other one will generally require a lot of supervision. So I talk a lot, pray a lot, and guide her through her tasks. Every so often she surprises me and takes the lead in completion of her tasks. You may just have to resign yourself to patient, close supervision with your younger one until she matures a bit more.

Don't just punish her. Punish her for not doing the chores, then make her do them anyway. Take her play things away and don't let her have them until her work is done. You may have to breathe down her neck for awhile. Stay firm. Get a little mean about it. Don't let her win. Then, when she does it without you having to harass her, praise her for it. You might even have to take things away and not give them back after one week or so of finished chores. Start with the daily, but you may have to move to more. Make this your mission/priority for awhile until it is learned.

Have you tried the allowance method? We have the same thing - chore list posted on the frig - but I have a monetary amount assigned to each chore depending on the size of it.

If our daughter picks up her clothes each day and puts them in the dirty clothes - she earns $.25 for the week. Picking up her toys and tidying up each weekend - $.50. She hates getting up but if she gets up each morning wo a lot of drama - $.25 for the week. And so on. She has the potential to earn about $3 for the week and she's paid each Sunday. However, if she does not perform her tasks each day or doesn't do them as all - I deduct from her earned monies. She's make as little as $.50 for the week.

I cheated at first and paid her the full allowance for the first 3 weeks so that she would understand how much she got paid. Then I started deducting. She quickly understood the difference and it showed in her chore list.

I have a 10 year old daughter and a 5 year old son, this is what works for us. They get paid in quarters for chores they do, this way it doesn't cost you anything, they get immediate rewards, they have fun at the end of a couple of weeks rolling up their quarters and seeing how much money they have made. I also have found if it is a volunteer type situation it is alot less stressful on both parties. It has worked very well in our home, my daughter actually bugs me in the mornings until I find her something to do. Good luck!

So sorry for your frustration. It's time to play hard ball. Pack up all of her toys, so that she can't play before her chores are done. Try hard not to get angry or show your frustration, as this may be the payoff she is getting. Instead of posting on the fridge, get a pocket name tag and let her wear the chores on a lanyard. That way she doesn't have to go back to the fridge. Evaluate the list for length and difficulty and make sure that it's not too much for her. A good book is Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel.

I read an idea once that said to pay the older one to do the younger ones chores...don't know if money motivates the 7 year old but you could also pay with activities or priveledges for the older one...I read a book called A New Child By Fridaya nd it had some good ideas

First and foremost, you ARE the parent and you have to make it clear to a 7 year old that she does not set the rules. If she gets her way at this age, you are looking at more serious control issues as she gets older. I believe this is becoming an issue w/ our children today and is the reason they are out of control regarding morals and responsibility. Parents don't way to seem mean, or their too busy to deal w/ it, so it's easier to let the child have their way. I'm a working mom and I have a 9 year old and a VERY stubborn 12 1/2 year old (both boys). My 9 year old does what he's asked the first time and my other son it takes a little more to get him going. I learned that with my older son, it took a simple pop on the behind to get him into gear. I'm aware that some parents believe that popping a childs bottom is not the way for results, but depending on the child it is sometimes what it takes. He is very loved and the pop doesn't affect him other than it tells him I mean business and he needs to kick it in gear so to speak. Then he goes and does what is ask and shrugges it off. You must follow through and make her do what is asked. Remember YOU are the parent.

Explain to her everyone in the family has responsibilities to make the home run smoothly. You have your responsibilities, (like feed her, drive her somewhere or whatever you do for her), if she does not do her responsibilities you won't do your responsibiltiies. She will start understanding how important her responsibilities after she doesn't get to eat while everyone else in the family is eating or doesn't get something else she wants because you didn't do your responsibilities for her.
This worked for me.

What are the chores? All children can do chores no matter the age but they should be limited to expand later with each year of age. Making the bed, helping with the dishes and maybe putting her closthes away is ALOT for her age. Expectations from her mom may need to be changed. Maybe she needs the negative attention--to get attention from you. Just guessing cause I do not know what she is refussing to do for you. I have 7 kids--they all do what they can at their age but at 7 it should be VERY little that YOU are expecting her to do.

Let her know you really need her help in running your home and point out the chores every else does. Then give a consequence for not doing her part. "If you don't feed the dog (or whatever you have chosen as her chore), then you will not play with (her favorite toy at the time) for 2 days. Or a week - she may go for it or not, but when you start to put up her toys or take away her TV time, she should come around to being a team member. Did you allow her to pick some of the chores she does? Good luck - be consistent!

resources & ideas:
www.flylady.org and there should be a link to the housefairy on this site

Dave Ramsey has a resource for kids that is a magnet chart that you can put on the refrigerator. We make a contract with how much we are paying per chore per day. Laundry (washed, dried, folded and put away) gets a whopping $2.50 a load...big bucks in our household. We write down ahead of time what they are to do. There is also a place for fines and we write down (and sometimes add) items like mouthing off and we take money away if they happen. The big thing with this is that they can see how much they are earning, and its really important to make good on the payment...We like to give payment in full at the end of the week and have them hand back any fines that they owe...gosh it hurts to give it back!

Make sure sister gets paid even if 7 year old doesn't, take the amount that 7 should have gotten and give it to whomever did the chore. Stop nagging, just remind her once at the beginning of the week that you are doing this and take the role as an observer. Give her time to help her understand that this is for real.

Another approach would be to look at the www.nogreaterjoy.org website under child training for ideas.

Good Luck!

Added later: OOps I think it sounds like our 7 year old does laundry usually it rotates through the hands of our 9, 11, 14 year old and me. (mostly the older girls and me though) Our seven year old keeps his room tidy (house fairy has great ideas for this age and younger) helps set or clear the table, take things to the recycling bucket outside and helps unload the dishwasher, some times he dusts (give a boy a tool :) and loves to help me cook, stuffs dirty laundry into the hamper and cleans the hallway...simple tasks and not all are done on the same day.

The important thing is to start instilling a love of working and some how impart a pride in a job well done. Accountability is a nice character trait too, but it will be there if she has the love and pride. Again good luck!

I read a book that introduced the concept of reality discipline (Dr. Andrew Leman). He gave a suggestion I plan on trying when my kiddos are a little older (daughter is 5 and son is 4- right now they want to help with everything). He suggests that all kids get an allowance that is tied to their age (like 7 years old $7 per week or whatever value you decide, but the older they are the more they get)and have chores that are age appropriate. They get the allowance whether they do their chores or not. However, if they choose not to do their chores and someone else does them the kid has to pay the person who did the chore for them from their allowance. You have to make sure they know that that is their discretionary money and that you will make sure they are fed and clothed but any extras are coming from their money that they can spend how they see fit (within very broad limits- like you wouldn't let them buy inappropriate music or video games, for example). His book, How to Make Kids Mind Without Losing Yours, explains it better and more thoroughly. It also adds that as kids reach high school age you begin to shift chores you had the older ones do to younger kids so that the teens can focus on school and extracurricular activities...so more involved in productive school related activites you are the fewer chores you have at home. Good luck! :)

We use the Accountable Kids program and LOVE it. Check it out at www.accountablekids.com

When I feel like I'm doing all the work with my kids, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm there to teach and not control. Truly give the responsibility back to her. She knows what is expected and that you will remind her again and again and get into a power struggle with her. Have a talk letting her know what her responsibility is and that it is her responsibility. Let her know what you will do in response to her doing/not doing it, then without any discussion/yelling/arguing do it. If she doesn't do her chores, maybe the consequence is that her toys are removed from her room for 24 hours, she can't see friends for 24 hrs,she doesn't get her prized possession for 24 hrs(or whatever). Simply go and do it and don't discuss it. When she has a fit, you can have another response to it that is based on the same idea that you give her back responsibility for her actions.
Recently my 2 and 5 yr old started fighting in the car. I became just as crazy yelling and threatening and taking away things. Then I stopped. Literally, I would stop the car and not say a thing. They both know that they need to be quiet and apologize or I won't go again. Good luck

J.,
I also have a 7 yr old and 9yr old. The personality of both of these girls is totally different. My oldest is a pleaser she will do whatever she needs to do to make people happy (don't worry..she knows right from wrong) but my youngest is also a struggle. But what has helped us is the positive reinforcement.. but I don't make her wait so long to get rewards, the rewards for her might be because she picked up her dish or put the brush back or picked up her shoes etc. where as my 9 year old it isn't as easy because we know she will do more so we expect more. It helped not to expect so much out of my 7 yr old... remember she is still little and still learning and sometimes things can be so hard.. we also put the chores on paper and draw from a bowl and give her xx min to do each chore.. SHE LOVES THAT.. that is her favorite way to do her chores. it is almost like she is opening up a surprise, i sometimes also put in there, kiss your mother or hug your dad.. as a fun chore. Good luck
and God Bless

Buy (and read) the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. My son has had similar issues as your daughter. The concepts in this book have made a huge difference in his behavior and I find that I am a much more pleasant parent when I use them. In a nutshell, the book is about teaching your children responsibility using logical consequences.