How to Discipline/teach a Strong Will, Stubborn, and Persistent 24Month Old?

A 2 yr old doesn't have a lot in common with 4 or 8 yr olds.
Keep him separated from the others as much as you can until he gets a bit more civilized.
You don't let him pick on the other kids.
Generally if a kid is hitting and biting - another kid will eventually hit/bite him back - which you don't want to happen - but it tends to stop the behavior fairly quickly.
(Hitting my sister (or knocking her down and sitting on her) was the only way to get her to quit it when she was on a binge. Unfortunately it was never something she out grew. She's in her 50's and still a pain in the behind.).
Give him plenty of attention when he's good - YOU are his companion - not the siblings.
When he acts up, separate him from the others.
He'll be in preschool in a few years and it'll be a whole new learning experience for him.

I didn't find time-outs to be helpful at all at that age. I did find myself redirecting a lot.

I agree that he's seeking attention. He probably sees the older two playing and wishes he could be included. He probably can't. He's simply too young and not interested in the same things. But it's normal for him to want to be included.

I think it's time to start noticing just how long the boys can all play quietly before the youngest begins to have trouble. Once you get a good handle on that, plan to distract him just before that time. Say they can usually play for 30 minutes without any problems. Around the 20 or 25 minute mark, have something else ready for your 2 year old to do that puts him in a different room than the other two and let them continue to play in peace.

It sounds to me like your expectations might not be age appropriate. Remember, your 8 year old was an only child when he was 2. I could easily see him not hitting too much. After all, who was he going to hit? The older two boys are 4 years apart. Big difference. This is really the first time you've faced this situation.

You have to change your parenting method. Time outs don't work on toddlers because they don't have the cognitive ability required. They've already mentally moved past the topic by the time you haul them off to a corner or whatever, and the new focus is basically, "Why the heck am I sitting here?"

If he seems to be attention seeking, then what he needs is more positive attention. When he's not being a pain, play with him more often. Praise him when he does something acceptable. Lots of cuddling up on the couch and being read to. Etc.

Time outs don't work with all children, especially two year olds. He has a different temperment and you have to change your tactic.

You are giving him LOTS of attention for his bad behavior. Plus he's getting attention from his siblings. This is what you must change.

You are being much too nice about his behavior by putting him in two minute time outs. SO WHAT if he hates them? He knows he has you wrapped around his little finger and he thrives on it because he wants to be in charge. He is NOT supposedd to be in charge. YOU are.

How to change this? Every single time he pulls these stunts, you tell him that he may not do "x" (try not to say many words and try not to use the word "no" very much), remove him from everyone else and put him in a play pen he can't get out of, one in a room where he cannot be with the family. Plop him in there and walk away. If you don't have a play pen or pack-n-play, GET ONE. (One that is tall and strong.)

You have to leave him in there long enough and often enough that he finally starts to understand that he is going in that thing EVERY TIME he misbehaves. It will take a long time. You MUST persevere. If you don't, things won't get better.

If you are thinking "Oh poor baby - how can I do that to him - he's just two", then you should think about what he's doing to the rest of the kids and the family as a whole. He's holding them hostage and you shouldn't be allowing it.

Be strong, and good luck.

I think there's way too much talking to a 2 year old. You talk to him at the moment of the "offense" and THEN put him in time out? The time out makes no sense to him at that point - too long in between the offense and the punishment.

I agree completely with Doris Day. Please read her response again. Immediate isolation, and deprive him of all the attention.

This child is kind of running the show in your house.

Updated

I think there's way too much talking to a 2 year old. You talk to him at the moment of the "offense" and THEN put him in time out? The time out makes no sense to him at that point - too long in between the offense and the punishment.

I agree completely with Doris Day. Please read her response again. Immediate isolation, and deprive him of all the attention.

This child is kind of running the show in your house.

First, it's time to create some barriers. In our toddler group at the daycare I worked at, my philosophy was to shadow a child with this behavior, often sitting/standing with my body between that child and other kids so that if he went to bite or grab, I could physically intervene.

At 2 years old, I think it's okay to have a pack and play set up for some restraint/containment. Or have an umbrella stroller handy. Every time he goes to hit/bite, etc. he gets placed in the pack and play or buckled into his seat. I would not use a lot of language. Just simple 'No biting. Biting hurts." and pop him right into the pack and play. If you feel that's too restrictive, consider putting a gate up somewhere in the house so that your older boys can play while your youngest stays with you. I don't know the layout of your house, but if there's a doorway in the kitchen, that might be a good option. In my experience as a nanny, a lot of the misbehavior between siblings happened when mom/dad were busy making meals/doing dishes, etc. Since the kitchen is a place where you need to focus on your tasks, you can pop him in the high chair if you like. (I only have one child, but at this age, he loved to climb up on the table. I would pop him in an umbrella stroller and park him in the doorway with some toys. It wasn't a punishment, it was a way to keep us both safe.)

Lots of attention and explanation actually encourage the behavior. You want to give it very little attention, just a short verbal explanation (don't ask 'why?'-- they don't know; don't go into how sad you are, etc.) and put him in a safe place.

As others have suggested, redirecting is very helpful and yes, at this point, he's not able to play as peers with his older brothers. You might consider having him help you with simple tasks, keep him busy, and double-up on the positive attention when he's playing by himself or being helpful. I worked in a family with a bit of the same age spread and did find that I spent a lot of time keeping the youngest busy so she would stay out of her brothers' way. Sometimes that meant simpler versions of their toys, giving her play money and a spinner from another game when they were playing Monopoly, (so she could play 'like' them without interrupting their game), and I had her help me with a lot of cooking tasks. Many two year olds can use a butter knife to slice pre-cut foods smaller. Stuff like that. Also, sensory bins (like a dishtub with soapy water on the floor on a towel, or put beans or rice in it with some scoops, funnels, etc) can be a lot of fun. Some kids can play for a very long time this way. Play-dough is also a great item to have in the cupboard. Oh, and make obstacle courses, too! Drape chairs with blankets to crawl through like a tunnel, have him army crawl across the floor under chairs, put painter's tape on the floor to create 'hurdles' to jump over or into. I hope the list of age-appropriate activities helps.

Two resources:
http://handsonaswegrow.com/activities/toddler-activities/...
(pinterest-type format, great activities here)

More information on 2 year old social development
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddl...

Instead of doing time outs, I'd say something like "looks like (kid) wants to bite. We don't like being bitten. We'll go in the family room to keep playing until he knows biting is not ok".

So he is not being punished so much as not included in the fun.

If one of mine were really cranky and just being unpleasant, I had no problem leaving them out of a trip to get an ice cream or an outing. I'd stay home with the misbehaving one, and the rest of the family went off. Trust me, it only took a time or two for kids to get that if they want in on family fun, they need to follow the house rules.

Personally, I keep it short and sweet. We just had rules, and I'd say "No screaming." That's as much talking as I did. When you use a nice voice, you can join us. They weren't getting any attention (negative or otherwise). The well behaving kids got the attention.

A lot of discipline advice calls for action AFTER the behavior has taken place. It's hard to know exactly what's happened or what's fair when you don't know the whole story. One thing you can do is think of the ABCs of behavior: Antecedent (what happened before the behavior), Behavior, and Consequence. It's pretty hard to help him "behave" or do better, if you don't know what set him off in the first place. Throwing, biting, and hitting are pretty normal two-year old behaviors. He doesn't know they're wrong (in our adult eyes), he just knows he gets a pretty fun reaction or at least attention! As many have already mentioned, negative attention from you or his brother is still attention. Better than reacting and trying to punish is preventing. Give him as much neutral to positive attention as you can (this doesn't mean false praise), spend time with him, play WITH him. If you think, "Oh, good, it's quiet, he's playing on his own, I'll leave him alone..." he's going to continue bugging his brothers for their and your attention. If you're thinking, "I don't have time to sit on the floor all the time with him," think of how much time you're having to take to solve the disputes! One other habit that's hard to get in, but SO VERY HELPFUL is to tell him what TO do, not what NOT to do. "Hands to yourself" takes the place of "No hitting! No throwing" No pinching!" - you get the idea. It's much quicker for the brain to give directions to the body to do something, than not do something.

When my son was age 2 (and very strong willed!) we would distract him...redirect him to something else. If nothing worked we just carried him (usually having a tantrum) to his room for some quiet time (this might mean leaving a playdate or activity all together which I sometimes had to do). When my daughter was age 2 she was more reasonable but I usually gave her zero attention when she was being naughty. Not getting attention made her stop her tantrum pretty quickly. It sounds to me like your son wants attention even if it is negative. I would not try to talk with him too much...he's only 2. I would say nope, no hitting...and put him in his room/time out spot. And just calmly put him back there (100 times if it takes that long) until his time is up. No talking to him or giving him any attention. Some kids are just harder than others. PS - I like Doris Day's response. A play pen he could not get out of would be handy. Remember...no attention negative or otherwise. This little guy wants to rule the household! Teach the 4 year old to say, no! no hitting. I won't play with you if you hit. Then to totally ignore him for a period of time (tell them a time limit like 10m). He will get better as he gets older.

You are absolutely correct when you say he likes the attention even when it's negative. That attention, the talking-to, the explanations of why the behavior is unacceptable - they're all rewards.

I suggest you figure out a way to remove him to a safe place (a car seat on the floor, a play gate or pen he can't get out of, a sturdy stroller with the wheels locked), and have that ready.

Then, when the biting and hitting start, remove him silently to that place, with no eye contact. If you must, say something super short, and make it the same words every time. "We don't bite" or "biting hurts people". Don't soothe, try to teach, or interact. Make sure not to look him in the eye, or act frustrated, or sigh. Remain perfectly calm and stoic and cold.

Purposefully, go back to your other sons and give them some eye-level attention. Ask what they're playing with, or what's happening with their cars, or otherwise show personal interest and chat for a bit. Make sure your biter/hitter sees how to get mommy's happy attention.

The key is to remove all rewards from the misbehaving child (eye contact, talking, exasperated sighs, exclamations, frustrated body language) and redirect all positive attention to the children who are behaving. Make sure your rewards to them are simply your time, attention, conversation and eye contact (don't hand out tangible rewards, or stickers). And you don't need to sit with them and get too involved with the game they're playing - it's enough to chat, say "wow, I like the car track you've set up", "hey, what kind of train is that?", that kind of thing.