How to Approach New, Soon to Be, Step Mom

Speaking as a stepmom of a wonderful 7 year old (I have been her stepmom since she was 2 1/2), I have to say that I would have loved it if her mom and come over to the car and spoke to me, or waved at me, or just even pretended like I exsisted. Things are much improved now, but the beginning was horrible. It is so difficult on both parties because I didn't want to offend her mother (who, by the way, is easily offended)so I was always cautious about my words and actions (okay, I walked on eggshells constantly). She didn't want to acknowledge the fact that I even exsisted. As the "newbie" it would have been nice to have the go-ahead from Mom that it was okay with her that I was around. Go for it. Make the first move. If she doesn't open up to that, I would have concerns about her person. Best of luck!

I'm with the others. Since you're the one that wants to meet her, you get to make the first move. It doesn't have to be confrontational, you can be just as friendly as can be!

Good luck,
J.

I am the new step-mom, so I come from the other point of view. However, I have always been the one to try to be friendly and cordial- to cold response. My husband's ex does ot like me being in the picture and does not want to have anything to do with me. At the beginning of our relationship I either waited in the car or did not go for the pick up to ease any tension that may have existed with them, and obvioud tension she had to anyone new being in her child's life. Your ex's new love may feel awkward/uncomfortable or not sure how to approach you. She may also be intimidated by you- after all you were married to him first and share a child, offering a bond she doesn't have. Who knows what your ex has said about you to her, too. I'd give it a little more time so she is more comfortable in her role and then approach her in a friendly manner...just wanting to introduce yourself and open communication. Introducing new people into a blended family can be stressfull and intimidating at times and not everyone is ready or willing to move at the same pace we are. Good luck. The important thing is that she is good to your child and he is comfortable with her.

My boyfriend at the time used to wait in the truck when I went to pick up my oldest. He thought it was the privacy the ex and I needed to discuss matters. It certainly was easier than him running his mouth and upsetting the inlaws or the ex. But this was 16 years ago and that dude is someone elses problem now.

I think you should invest in 2 copies of Dr. Phil's Family First and insist your ex and any other woman he is involved in read/listen to it.

I would definitely go to the car as if you're happy to meet her and just say you wanted to introduce yourself. She may just be uncomfortable and not want to disturb your privacy. Open up the dialog about your son by saying thanks for helping take care of him on the weekends. I don't think that's confrontational or threatening at all. If there's one thing I've learned...don't assume your ex will be the good ambassador.

i did that....i'll intrude in my ex husbands HOUSE (with his permission) if i feel like i need to..this is YOUR child you have the right to know who he's around

I have never personally experienced divorce and stepmoms and stepdads. But from my girlfriends' experiences, I would like to offer the following advice (feel free to shoot them down or not take them at all) . . .

I don't think there is anything rude about you going over and knocking on her window to say hi. It shows that you are interested in meeting her and want to thank her for taking care of your son. You are a friendly and grateful ex-wife who wants to have a good relationship with her.

I advise balancing how much you utilize your husband in his position to connect you to her. Right now, you kinda don't have a choice. You need to speak to her through him. But if you are continually using him as a communication channel, he may take the difficulty of his position out on you.

It would be nice if you had a discussion first with your husband about the arrangements if he were to remarry. After mapping and sketching out plans, the three of you could sit down and finalize the details. I think this would be less awkward then the three of you sitting down together to map ideas. You might run across something the other women is dead set against on and not know it. Discussing things with your husband would give you a better idea of where she stood on things.

Off the topic, are you curious as to why two of her children live with her parents? If and after they remarry, will all her children reunite under one roof with them? These are situations you will eventually need to address because they concern your son when he goes to visit as well.

Hi K.,
I know what it is like to be the new step mom. It's hard! You feel like you are intruding on their family. Even though they may be devorced they are still a family. Any good step parent would not want to intrude on that. You feel like it's their child and they won't care to hear what I think anyway.
She doesn't know you other than what your ex has said about you. Who really knows what kind of a picture he has painted of you. Maybe she is scared your gona be a mean ol' mama bear.
She is most likely waiting for you to show that you accept her being there, and that you are ok with her being a parent to your son.
I think that it should have been your ex's job to introduce the two of you. But we all now how men are, so since the time for that has done passed. I'd say that now the ball is in your court, not hers. It's your job to introduce yourself. But be careful. The first meeting could set the pace for the rest of your son's childhood. Remember that the nicer you are to her the nicer she will be to your son.
She may just be stuck up. If so, the best way to get to her is to be nice to her. No matter what she is, just be nice to her. It's better for the child involved. It will blow her mind. And you come out looking like the bigger person.
Who knows maybe she is just shy. Maybe after meeting her you two may hit it off and be the best of friends!
You won't know till you try. I think it is perfectly ok for you to go over to her window ( I like the MC D's Ideal better) for an introduction.
You said as a mother herself you would think she would understand that you would want to meet her, but what if it's that as a mother herself she understands how hard it is to except another woman mothering your child. Maybe she is trying to avoid stepping on your toes!
I hope the meeting goes smoothly. Good luck! Best wishes to all! May God send blessings to both familys!

Hi kim honestly I think you should introduce yourself. He is your child and you have every right to know who is connected with him. I am going through a very simiular situation except my ex drops her off at nearby store and picks her up after he has gotten my son. The next time I am going to follow him and have a little chat because he sleeps at her house 3x a week. Good luck!!

When my ex remarried, I met his soon-to-be for lunch and we shared information about the kids. I do not remember who initiated it, but I remember thinking it was kind of her to do. If I were you, maybe I'd call her and say that you know it may feel odd, but that since you're going to be parenting in common, you'd like the relationship between you to be warm and open and communicative. Hopefully she'll respond.

hi K., i agree with the first response and whoever else told you that. take the high road introduce yourself. you dont have to be best buddies but communication would be a good thing since your son stays at her house. good luck W.

Could you maybe ask your ex about meeting at like Mc D's so your son could play a little and let the three of you sit and talk. Explain to your ex that you are having a problem with the soon to be step mom not talking to you.

I agree, don't be afraid to go up to her and talk to her. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she may be feeling that she is stepping on your toes as a mother, despite the living situation. If she is just trying to avoid you for selfish reasons, then you would still be showing yourself that you are more of an adult by saying hello to her and introducing yourself. Eventually, your son will also notice the extra effort that you put in to be a courteous person, and that is never a negative thing to influence a child with.

I like the meeting at McDonald's idea, something relaxed and noisy enough that if you have nothing to talk about, it's not too awkward. Have you thought about sending her a friendly card, just to say you would like to get to know her since your son is spending so much time with her? If she's done something special with your son, maybe you could send a thank you card for taking such good care of him, and that would show that you're willing to be friendly for the sake of your little boy. I mean, it's not like this woman broke up your marriage or anything, so there's no reason she should feel like you have bad feelings against her, but maybe she just isn't sure. Good luck, and let us know how it works out! :o)

well K.. who ever told you to go over to the window. I'm with them. You can be the bigger adult this time...she sounds kinda odd but who am I to judge. yeah I would just go and tap on her window and say somehting like" hi I'm tylers mom kimberley, nice to meet you. " and from there she would have to say something.. if she doesn't I wouldn't let your ex take your son anymore... well at least to her home.

good luck don't forget she is going to have to get to know you b/c her future hubby is your childs father, she has till tyler is at least 18 to get to like you... good luck and god bless