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Stepmom Goes to the School

A couple of weeks ago, my son told me that his dad's wife showed up at his school during his recess time. Apparently, she wanted to introduce herself to the teacher and to give my son stickers and candy. I immediately hit the roof since I felt it was inappropriate for her to 1) feel the need to introduce herself to the teacher and 2) disrupt my son's school day by giving him stickers and candy. Both of which he was unable to share with the rest of the class and ended up getting him into trouble with the teacher since he became really excited and disruptive in class. My ex's wife and I do not have a very good relationship at all and she constantly tries to override me as my son's mother. There is no use in talking to her because she thinks that she can do whatever she wants in regards to my son. My ex is no help either. On one occasion that I know of, she has posed as my son's mother to gain access to his medical information with the insurance company (that I pay for). She has absolutely no rights to my son and she continues to poke her nose in business that is none of her concern.
After my son told me about her visit to the school, I called the school office to discuss why this person was allowed on the campus during school hours. I was told that someone would get back to me but no one has. Should I pursue this issue with the school's principal? A person who is not a parent, guardian or blood relative should not be granted onto school property. They don't check IDs, not that they have time to do that for everyone but I feel some sort of security should be in place. My ex's wife is unstable and had clearly disrupted my son's school day. I think it is the school's responsibility to keep my son safe and it is obvious that they cannot but letting anyone onto the school grounds. The fact that I called the school and no one ever got back to me is ticking me off. Any thoughts?

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What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you to everyone for your response. I posted the question to get idea about what others would think about the situation. I had already decided to kind of let it go and not pursue it with anyone. I have since decided to just simply talk to the office staff about their procedures. The simple fact is our children are not as safe as they should be in school. It seems like anyone can walk onto school grounds. The person who visited my son was a stepparent, but the scary part is that it could have been anyone. The second part to this is that the stepparent chooses not to discuss anything with me. She could have had shown some respect for me as the mother by discussing her idea of going to my son’s school. She does not have any children of her own, but she is old enough to know that candy in school is not appropriate and neither is bribery.
For those who voiced their opinions about me and my situation, let me just say that you have no idea what my son and I have been through. My ex and his wife have created so much unnecessary drama in my son’s life it is ridiculous. No divorce is not easy, yes communicating with the other parent is key and no the child should not be in the middle. I would love to have a great relationship with my ex and his wife. Unfortunately, when the other parent and stepparent refuses to communicate with you and talks bad about you to the child, you’re only left to constantly fix things. My son is constantly being put in the middle and it is not by me. My son’s father is emotionally abusive, cruel and generally does not want to be a parent since he does not put any effort into it. Who stands up for the child in that kind of situation? The mother. I was a stepparent too (my ex is on his third marriage) so I know how both roles feel like. Simply put a stepparent does equate to a biological parent when the biological parent is active in the child’s life. If this person really did love my son then she would be supportive of me as his mother and I could do the same for her. It is all very sad.
When I posted the question, I expected to be attacked. But not nearly to the extent that I have been. Statements such as “grow up”, “deal with it” and calling me names just shows how ignorant you are. Why is it that the mother is always attacked for being a mom? I went to this website to “connect to other mom’s in my community”. Instead, I get a bunch of women attacking me with very little knowledge of my situation. Boy, some of you seem so eager to throw another woman under the bus. Thanks a lot!

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Kim, I am a former teacher and I know at the schools I have worked at you can put that a person is not allowed to be there on the records. I as a teacher would not be happy to have someone come by and disrupt my whole class. That is not at all acceptable and yes go to the principal with this concern.

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I think you have enough information/documentation to go to the police and request a restraining order on that woman. Yes, if I were you, I would be over at the school in person right now. Good luck! A

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Tricky situation ~ you are viewing her actions thru emotionally charged lens, how could you not? It's completely understandable & normal, but not helpful to your son's situation. He has to deal with this women, whether he likes it or not and he is torn between his parents who he loves dearly. That's a lot for a 6 year old to handle. He needs his mom, dad & step mom to all let him just be a kid.

Can you change this woman's actions, no...is she allowed to be a part of your son's life, yes (regardless of your preferrence...I know that is the part that sucks!) :(

I do not think the school can keep her out of the picture if her husband doesn't jump in and ask her to stop. Can you control her actions, no...But you can control your reactions, and your reactions will influence her actions to some degree.

This is a fact, with studies to back it...and it's not a pretty fact...but divorce takes 10-15 YEARS to 'get over'for all people involved...longer if there are constant fueds.

So while you and your X and his new wife are all dealing with your emotions, your beloved son, who you would do anything for will be 16-21 years old before he will feel less stress about his family situation. You don't want him to have to carry that hardship for that long. Neither does your X or his new wife. The sooner you all can work out a plan to keep the peace, the better life your son will live.

You would die for your son, I know it, I'm a parent, setting aside your differences with his father and his new wife for your son is so worth it. Stickers, candy, etc...that is not the big picture, he needs his mom and his dad (regardless of your marriage) to be his rocks, his solid ground...he knows the difference between you and her. He knows you are his mother. If you are the bigger person, he will respect that, but if you are not, then she will 'win'...it's up to you to make a good move...

I know my message probably upsets you, and I'm very sorry, I just know from my divorced parents, it's VERY IMPORTANT that you do what you can for your son's sake. He needs you. Please don't let petty squabbles happen. Be the bigger person, water off a duck's back, you are greatness, prove that to your son with silent but strong honorable actions. :)

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Hi Kim,

I am a former office manager of an elementary school. NO ONE who is unfamiliar to the staff of the school is allowed on campus without cehcking in with the office, and even the familiar people are supposed to check in.

Your ex's wife has no right to go to the school and has no right to contact your son if she is not specifically listed as a contact on the emergency card or your son's paperwork.

Call the school one more time and ask to speak to the principal. If you don't get a satisfactory response, take it to the superintendent's office.

If you have court documents that outline any specifics regarding custody, etc., it would be beneficial to have that on file with the school as well, if there are terms that involve school time (pick-ups, etc.).

I'm really sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best.

Blessings,
R.

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Wow there are some really pissed off ladies here!!! I have been on both sides of this fence and let me tell you, by NOT working with the step mom you are doing your son a huge disservice. Are you not secure in your role as mom? My daughter has four parents who love her, and while we do not love each other we work TOGETHER to make sure she had what SHE needed. We tried to make a bad situation better. Did it hurt when she called stepmom mom, at first, but she didn't know that, plus I was mommy. Get over hurt because of the divorce and think of your son. Work with her FOR YOUR SON. In the long run your son will appreciate it. Sorry I am not more sympathic but I have been coparenting for 20 years, it can work if you put your big girl panties on and deal!

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I can see why you are upset about her going to the school for no real reason but to make herself "known". Candy and stickers... talk about bribing a child! I would call the school principal and let he/she know that even if there is nothing that can be done, fine however a response is necessary and that all of your concerns should be addressed IN WRITING (keep that for your records)! And with regards to the step mom accessing your sons medical records... that is illegal (she committed fraud by doing so) and you need to document this! How did you find out about her doing that? She seems very insecure. Remember that YOU are your sons ONLY mother no matter what the step mom wants to think or do. Keep a record too of anything that she does that is unlawful or plan weird. If you ever have to go to court, exact dates and descriptions of what happened will work in your favor. Sorry that you have to go thru this and know that you have every right to feel upset.

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I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through! Can't your ex help you with this situation?

It seems that whichever parent has custody should be the only one who has full access to their kids' medical records, doctors, and school. Perhaps the school will work with you--they can't want a stepmom to show up at school randomly with stickers and candy! If the stepmom is posing as you--isn't that a crime? Fraud??

Best wishes to you!!!
D.

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She "posed" as your son's Mother to gain access to his medical information. This is FRAUD... this is a criminal act.
You SHOULD pursue this, and file a report. You also MUST contact your insurance company and report this to them.

DOCUMENT everything, this posting included, and keep track of everything.... this will be your "proof" for any legal action.

You need to take legal action... or file a restraining order. You Ex is not doing anything about it, you must. SHE does not have any "legal" Parental rights over your son, right? So, this is key.

I would file a police report. It is not only the school's fault... you must take care of this woman in protection of your son. **ALL schools have "authorization" consent forms... per WHO is ALLOWED to pick-up your son or anything else of that matter. The school was REMISS is enforcing this... I would, put it in writing, (to document it for your own proof), and send it to the Principal. ALSO, any "visitor" to a school HAS TO check in at the office... and sign a "check-in/check-out" form. At least at my daughter's school this is also the protocol. MAKE SURE of these rules.

You also might want to make it legal, that your Ex's "wife" is NOT THE LEGAL GUARDIAN/PARENT of your son..... NOR does she have any say in the medical/well being NOR is a "decision maker" in your son's life.

If you do not take care of this, it WILL happen again. AND, what if she takes your son from school, without your knowing?

All the best,
Susan

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Hi Kim, if the stepmom's name is not on your emergency card then definitely she should not be allowed on the premises. Contact the principal and have a memo put on his info that she is not allowed to contact your son in school. The school has to take care of hundreds and sometimes things are not taken care of or relegated as not important. You only have one child to take care of and this needs immediate attention. What if next time she tries to pick him up? Do not be rude to school personnel but definitely make yours wishes known.
Also as to medical information. You can call the insurance company and ask if you can establish a password that needs to be asked before any info is given out. Some companies will do that.

As to those insulting "advisors" throw out the bad and keep the good. If the advise begins to be insulting, stop reading and go on to the next. Don't let the good advise go by.

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Hi, Kim,

Yes, the step-mother is over-stepping the boundaries a little.

But she is also wanting to make her presence known in your son's life. Not sure of her motive, but having been a step-parent, I can tell you that my motive was to show my step-child that I wanted to be a part of her life as much as we could. See, her mom didn't want us around either, although all of HER lovers and 3 subsequent husband's were to be treated as permanent fixtures.

Amazing, though, as much as she didn't want my Husband and myself to be in their daughter's life, she sure has no problems coming up with new and improved ways to try to get more money every time we think we can relax.

I am a step-parent. Most of the time, we genuinely don't want to stick it to the custodial/birth parents. We are just trying to define our roles in the extendeded (usually dysfunctional) family. If you cannot talk directly to step-mom about your boundaries, do discuss it with the office staff, and they have no choice but to comply.

Just please make sure YOUR motives are genuine. I saw by one of your earlier posts that "Dad is around, although you wish he wasn't" (something like that). Please re-examine this. It only does harm to the child, because they do pick up on your feelings. If he knows this is how you feel, how can HE ever relax and enjoy himself while spending time with his father and step-mother????
Good luck!

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As a woman who grew up in a similar situation to the one your son is now going to be growing up in, can I just give you a different perspective? This new stepmom might just be trying to love your son the best way she knows how. If she's not a natural mother then she maybe she doesn't quite understand the boundaries needed there but I doubt she's trying to "disrupt your son's school day" or take your place in any sense. To be really honest it sounds like your a little threatened by her, (which I completely understand) but at the same time, if you really want what is best for YOUR SON, you should probably let this go and not try to keep her out of the school, she's probably not a danger to your son otherwise I doubt your husband would allow her to be around him at all. I think you should be grateful that your ex's wife loves your son and isn't some kind of witch that treats him bad. Sorry I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but your son is going to be dealing with the results of this divorce for the rest of his life. I think it's best you make it as easy and conflict free as possible.

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Hi Kim,

I would definitely pursue the school!!! If the school does not return your call then take it up with the district. That should not happen and your concern is valid. I'm not sure what your situation is custody wise but I would check into going back to court. It is illegal for her to call the insurance company and pretend that she is you to get personal information about your son.

Good luck!!

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hi! i got irritated just reading your message! i can't believe the nerve of your ex's wife. she is absolutely out of line. it sounds like she is not only being annoying, but breaking the law while she's at it. (posing as his mother to get access to medical info) The school should definitely be giving you more support in this situation. i doubt if candy and stickers are even allowed at school...i am surprised that your son was allowed to eat/have them. i suggest being persistent with the principal and being very clear about what is and is not ok. for example, maybe the stepmom can pick him up occasionally, but not drop by the way she did. and certainly not provide goodies that none of the other kids get to partake in. i am sure that the principal will agree that is inappropriate and unfair. if you do not get more help from the school and/or from your ex soon, then i suggest you take it a step further and go to court. mediation is an excellent way to get these issues out in a safe, objective setting, and to set some boundaries that have to be respected. i know the court thing is a pain but this stepmom has gone too far. she is being disrespectful and underhanded, and in my opinion, attempting to win your son over in unhealthy, sneaky ways. it will take awhile if you have to go through the court, but it will be worth it if you have some legal backing. hang in there! in the end, your son knows who is real mama is. good luck.

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If I were you I would RAISE HELL at school. She could have been an axe murderer. My son's school keeps the parents in the office and the kid comes to them. But, I also filled out some form at school (one of the 1000 that come home the 1st day) about people that are not allowed to have contact w/ student. But, that may only be w/ a court order. I do not know what your visitation rules are w/ you and your husband-but, they might need to be rewritten. I hope taht this never happens again.

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Hi, Kim. My son's school keeps doors locked (they can get out but no one can get in) and IDs are checked for every parent. Visitors have passes they must wear.
You need to contact the principal and if you get no help there, go to the board. You may also want to try one more time to talk to your ex with the wife, maybe with the principal as a mediator (related to the school issue and what is allowed or appropriate there). If they know that you have the school's support, it may curb some of her behavior.
Separately, you might mention that posing as you to obtain medical information is a violation of HIPAA laws, which is a federal offense. (And give your doctors notes that prohibit information from being released to her.)
You need to set up some ground rules with her and your ex. You may have to extend an olive branch a bit, because this woman has access to your child and you want her to be kind to him, even at the risk of your own feelings. The most important thing is that your son is cared for and feels as secure as possible in this situation. (Stress that to them when you talk.)
That said, document everything because if you can't get resolution and support from your ex, you will most likely need to hire an attorney to protect your son and your interests. (A "cease and desist" letter from an attorney may be enough.)
Good luck. This is a horrible situation to be in and my heart goes out to you.

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One of my best friends is going through a similar situation..but hers is worse. He ex's fiance is a teacher at the school where their son attends! This woman does anything and everything to make sure my friend is uncomfortable at the school, when she has to pay 1/2 of the tuition! She tried talking to the school, and her attorney, but they all took the "teachers" side and said my friend had anxiety issues. This woman goes as far as treating her kids better than her "stepson" while he is in his dads care. His dad just turns a blind eye because he is such an awful man.

This gal is one of my best friends, and is a loving, caring and nuturing mother. She is a single mom who struggles everyday, but will always put her son first. It kills me to see her ex laugh at her struggles with this new woman.

Nobody should come between a relationship between a mother and a child. Nobody should have access to your son's medical records but you and your husband. That is why we have such strict HIPAA laws now. By posing as the "Mom" she broke the law!

I would pursue this with not only the school, but also your attorney. I will keep you in our prayers, as I have watched first hand one of my best friends go through a similar situation! Stay positive, and stay strong for your son.

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Wow, so what's the point of filling out the mounds of paperwork explaining who the guardians of a child are? You should go into the school office to discuss this I think. I know they make us complete forms approving the names of people who are allowed to pick up a child from school, and although she didn't pick him up, they should minimally be aware of who's going on campus. There are restraining orders periodically on some parents so how are they confirming that those parents aren't showing up on campus?

Also, what she's doing w/your health insurance and stuff is so out of the school's hands along with the million of other things. I have a divorced friend and while her husband was having an affair, the gf was very similar to this, showing up at his job posing to be his wife, etc. These people are going to do these things, regardless of how you feel. You're going to have to find a way to put a lid on it as much as possible. Perhaps it's going to take going to a judge and making it clear that you are the person to deal with these aspects of your sons life, it's not like you're an absentee parent.

My sister cares for a stepson and she'd love it if his mom was more involved, but unfortunately she isn't. So, my sister has to go to the school, deal with the teachers, etc. But, she agrees that it would be in his best interest if his mom was doing these things, but she isn't so she steps up to the plate.

Sorry you're going through all of this, good luck with it all.

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Kim,

Hang in there. You obviously love your son very much. Just keep loving him and take things one day at a time. Good luck to you and God Bless you.

M.

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It probably wasn't appropriate for her to go to his school, but obviously she is trying to make a connection with your son. You should be happy for that. A child can never have enough people to love & cherish them!

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Your issue needs to be addressed at the school. If they don't call back, write a letter, go into the office and demand to speak to the principal. No one should be able to visit your child at his school without your permission.

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Let the school know that step-mom has no custodial rights and should not be visiting during school hours. If it continues, look into getting a restraining order. Let your ex know what is happening and how you feel. Let him know that you are happy Ü to see his new wife at school events where he is in attendance also, parent conferences, Back to School night etc. Set some ground rules and explain the difficulties caused by unannounced visits to the school and how it disrupts your son's learning.
Call the school again and stress how important it is that these visits are not allowed to occur. If you don't get a response refer the matter to the school board.
As for your insurance company....tell them to mark your files with a code word that only you know to prevent them from putting information into the wrong hands.
Good luck...I've been there.

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Hi Kim
this happened to me some time ago with my daughter, my ex's wife called the school posing as me asking about tuition etc..etc..Of course I gave it to my ex and told him to set her straight, that I would take legal action. So far that I know she has not posed as me again.
I also went down to the school and we made up a password so they know it is me they are talking to. Also she is not on any of the emergency cards. I think you should go down to the school and discuss this with the principle. I definitley is a safety issue.

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Well Kim.....I really feel bad about your situation. I personally don't feel your ex has a right to bring some crazy lady into your sons life but what can you do? Stay Strong! Make sure your son tells you everything that goes on at his Dad's house. I have this fear of my son being bullied at school and I ask him every day how his day was and if any of the kids were acting crazy or being disruptive and so far he has told me everything. I'm not the kind of person to just let some crazy new stepmom overstep her boundries I would have been at her front door right after school. Your son will be old enough in a few years and he will be able to decide if he even wants to spend time with his Dad and CRAZY STEPMOM who brings him candy to school(he'll be on to #4 in no time this one is not too bright).
Please don't let the ignorant responses get to you...Those are probably from crazy stepmoms or angry bitter women or angry ex wives who now feel guilty for the way they acted in the past.
Stay true to yourself and your son!
-M.

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I haven't read many of the responses that you received yet, but saw your "what happenened" and am so sorry that so many moms judged you. I am generally really impressed with the support that I get from other moms as we all face many challenges, so I'm disappointed.

I'm in the process of divorcing right now, a situation that I never thought I'd find myself in. And, you sure do find out the many ways that you can't control the impact on your kids. It is sad. You want the best dad possible for your kids, and they let you down. You can only do the best you can with the stuff that you CAN control. Keep your chin up and continue to be the best mom that you can for him.

But, YES, your school's security frightens me! I hope that you are able to communicate effectively with them to effect some positive change.

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You have every right to contact the school and continue to contact the school until you are satisfied. If the principal doesn't respond, then you go to the board of education and speak with someone. I agree with you that outside of mom and dad,no one should be able to come on campus and approach your child's teacher or child. How dare she!! I'm a happily married mom of two kids and I pray that I never have to deal with those types of things, but as a advocate for our kids, we have to protect them from things like that. I'm sorry that you ex-husband has allowed this woman so much freedom. You stand tall and strong and put your foot down when you need to!!

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I know it is hard to share your son with another parent (that you did not get to pick) but it isreally important to step back and try and look at the positives of her interest in your son. There could be a lot of benefits to your son having his step mother on board. She can help with home work, field trips, emergencies, and in general it is good for all of your son's parents to be actively involved in his life. My children's parent teacher conferences, back to school nights, sport games and even birthday parties are attended by me, my husband and my ex husband. I think it good for the step mother to know the teacher. Often I must suck it up for the good of my children. If that is too hard (and sometimes it is) at the very least do not put your son in the middle of it. As far as the school, it might be best to make an appointment with the principal and calmly express your concerns and ask he/she to explain the visitation policy. In person communication usually brings a better understanding. Wishing you peace.

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I would continue to call the school, DAILY, until you speak to the principal! You should have been given papers to fill out at the beginning of school to keep certain people away from your child if necessary. The principal should back you up, and if not, go above him/her. Good luck! :)

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Wow! I am the Mom and my husband is step-dad. As loving, caring and supportive as he is...unfortunetly because thier biological father is very much is the picture, pays child support...etc....he is NOT their legal guardian and any decisions regarding the kids are made with us first. I do take my husband into consideration but I always clear it with my ex first. Because ex's remarried DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE THEM A LEGAL GUARDIAN AND DOES NOT GIVE THEM THE LEGAL RIGHT TO ANYTHING. UNLESS THEY ADOPT THE CHILD/DREN LEGALLY, then the biological parent has no say so. I have NEVER had to go through the new wife and vice-versa. My husband attends the conferences and back to school and other school functions WITH ME and their bioligical father has the option of attending. My husband would NEVER do anything to step his bounderies...he understands the LEGAL system. Especially because we have a child together....in the event anything was to happen between us...he would want to be treated the same. The school needs to be contacted as well as the police. This needs to be documented. Granted there is some step-parents that are great...we don't know both sides therefor we can't judge anyone. But who in their right mind will go to school to visit a step-child without the parent??? That is odd.

I have never talked to the new wife and my husband and my ex are civil with each other but they do not talk. No need to be friends....just civil. We are one of the LUCKY bunch where being in the same room for the sake of the kids has worked.

Yet I know, that more than not this is not the case!

I am sorry for some of the ignorant comments you recieved....talk about bitter.

Goodluck, and please from a legal prespective SPEAK to the PRINCIPAL and the School District and the Local Police. There is some very bitter, crazy people out there. Protect your child and yourself. Someone that poses is definetly not a stable person and has no good intentions.

If you have your son during the week, then no one not even your ex can pick him up. If there is a day during the week (during school) that your ex has him, then he can asign anyone to pick him up. Because the step-mom cross the bounderies here...it may not be too hard to document it on a court paper and ban her from picking him or having contact with him while in your care. Same applies when he is with his father...you have no say so unless your son is in harms way.

Anyhow - goodluck and if you wish to talk and vent, feel free to email me. It was not easy to get to the point that we are now....but we got here :)

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Password your insurance information. You can call them and do it and no one without the password can be given information. Pursue this with the school, but keep your wits about you. Do not come off as hysterical or angry. You could be labeled the looney.

The school does not have time to check ID'S????? I see a lot wrong with that statement. They had better check ID's and if they don't get back to you call the school district.

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Hi kim,
I live in Lake Elsinore every time I go to my kid's school they check my ID as well as the school records. Your son's school should of wasted no time in getting back to you reguarding this matter. I would go into the principals office and demand a meeting right there. Also make sure the teacher and staff are aware of the situation.I would also contact the school dist. to let them know what is happening at there schools and that their staff did not return your calls reguarding this. I went through this with my ex's now ex wife. I had to put codes on medical, dental even my utilitie bills. My ex's ex even took her to the doctor saying she was her mom. As well as four and a half years of court. I could go on for ever with what my daughter and I was put through. My daughter is now 14 and still remembers all of the bad things that went on. I wish you luck.

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Hi Kim. I know this response is a bit late, but I wanted to give you some support. I am a mom and stepmom and I would never go behind my stepkids's mom's back. I contact her for information about the girls' school activities and ask for her input regarding gifts, visits, etc. I don't know what the laws are where you live, but just because she is married to your ex, that shouldn't automatically give her guardianship of your son. Please check this out. You have every right to be concerned and keep your son safe. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear Kim,
WOW, I am so sorry that you have been treated so badly. Calling someone names is not cool, especially in this forum. This is all about support.

This is the first I have read of your post.

It sounds like you and your ex need some really strict legal guidelines. Please contact legal aid in your area and sit down with legal representitive and your ex and write out some guidelines that work for everybody. That way whatever is going on with anyone relationship in this situation the lines have been legally drawn. And the child can not be used as a pawn by anyone.

I would like to put my 2 cents in here. Have been kind of a step and am a mom to my own now. The fact that she posed as you to get legal info NOT cool. Both Illegal and a big red flag. But then went to his school with candy in the middle of the day---hhmmm, Thats just common sense, no and no. As for the school perhaps legal aid can get there attention with a letter. No one likes a letter from a lawyer.

This is a hard and scary situation hammering out a legally binding agreement should hopefully resolve some of these issues. Good Luck and I am so sorry you had such a negative experience on this site.

1 mom found this helpful

Kim,
Sorry you had a bad experience with some responses, this forum is not for talking down to other mom's - it's for asking for advise from other mom's who might have gone through the same experience. Those other "mom's" should be ashmed of themselves for such behavior.
Now for my 2 cents, I think one of your earlier responders mentioned legal aid and setting up a meeting with just your ex, his wife and you (maybe your own lawyer to be safe) and outline what is proper and improper actions. It would have been considerate if the stepmom asked you first about going to your son's school. You could make it a condition that they meet you at his school for a parent/teacher conference so his teacher can see who is who and put it on the table what is allowed and what is not - where your son is involved especially at school.
I would then speak to the office staff and the principal at his school and let them know about your concerns. I mean that day it was his stepmom, 6 months from now it could be a predator on campus (not going after your son) but after any child. The school does have the responsibility to keep our children safe - no excuses!! I'm not a stepmom, but do know a few and their relationships with the other adults involved are not perfect, but where the children are concerned they have come to an agreement on what is or not allowed. A wise man once said "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." It just makes me wonder why she would be at his school, in the middle of the school day?? Like she wanted to see what she could get away with - without your knowledge.
One last thing, I would also talk to anyone that has information or contact with your son and give them a password (or flag his files since she has already done it once) so if she does show up or call them and wants information about your son then all she would have to do is call you for that infomation. I didn't intend this to be a book, but if you need any more support please email me - I would be more than happy to lend an ear for you to bend. LOL :-) Take care.

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Hi Kim,

It seems as if you are living one of those nightmares that all mothers fear will happen one day. I'm sorry about that. I would pursue the security issue with the school, because that could turn into a bigger problem then a stepmom coming with candy and stickers. If the school doesn't cooperate, I'd seriously consider changing his school. I would also password secure your insurance and other such areas of confidentiality.

I'm sorry you got judged so harshly by other "supportive" women. They judge you based on how their own personal experiences skew their view of your story. They're probably step-moms themselves frustrated with their own situations. Don't let it get you down, they have not lived this day-to-day like you have. You know what the truth is. I'm sure you would love for your son to have a loving step-mom, but her behavior has definitely put your mother's instinct on alert. What some blindly call "love" could actually just be manipulation. You need to know for sure what it actually is. Talk to your son to see what his take on his step-mom is. Kids are pretty smart. In the end, your son's safety is most important.

My best to you!
M.

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Please make sure to follow up with your son's school about vistors. What happen is absolutely unacceptable. The school has a responsibilty to your son and you to know that he is safe while at school. Maybe you should consult a lawyer on what type of action you might be able to take with this step-mom. Such a tough situation. I wish you luck.

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Kim,

Just let the negative, ignorant remarks flow off your back and hold tightly to the positive, caring responses. In the past when I am asking a question I have actually said "please no negative responses" only productive ones read. Just smile and remember that you don't have to live with them.

Evelyn

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You sound jea;oux... and as if you do not want to help forge a relationship between your son and his step mom, therefore she is" going" with out your support.

Try harder to get on with her, your son has an expanded family now, your choice or not, he does not need to have the burden of trying to meke you feel good by not accepting her . nor does his school.

This should be a much longer letter to you. I have an ex and 3 children with him. he has a long time girl friend and I fully understand...

H

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Keep at the school. They should be checking ID's--they are responsible for kids and are responsible for whatever happens to them, that they allow, at school.

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Hi Kim,
I have a similiar issue with stepmoms overstepping and it really isn't much fun. So hang in there, you are a good mom keeping your sons best interest. What I ended up doing was having to take my son to a counselor so it could be documented legally. My ex and his wife also cause drama by telling my son to behave wrongly so that he will get to spend more time with them and so on. The conselor ended up making a recommendation to them informing them of the harm their selfish intention were actually causting. Now things are doing much better. Hang in there.

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This is 100% out of line and I would pursue this with the school, even if that means going in to the office. This woman is clearly unstable and I would also discuss with your ex, the confusing nature that this must have been for your son. Candy? How manipulative! Good luck.

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Kim, I am a former teacher and I know at the schools I have worked at you can put that a person is not allowed to be there on the records. I as a teacher would not be happy to have someone come by and disrupt my whole class. That is not at all acceptable and yes go to the principal with this concern.

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Being a parent is hard, and so is being a step-parent. I am fortunate to be both, and it has been a long journey, but I have such love for my step daughters, it has been worth every second! I think it has been easier for me than others because my mom was married 5 times, so, I went through ALOT of step fathers, and step brothers and sisters, so I learned to love regardless of blood. And that is not always easy for everyone.
That being said: (no, I am not gonna trash you)
I think she absolutley had no right showing up at the school without permission or an appt. to give candy and stickers to your son, just as a biological parent has no right disrupting her childs class in that manner. She obviously was not thinking of what was best for your son. Maybe in her mind she was just trying to find a way to connect??? (Not that it makes it right by any means)
Every situation is different, and I cannot say I have always had the best relationship with my husbands x-wife, though I know I have always had and still have the best intentions and love for "our" girls. My husbands x-wife and I have a great relationship now, and she KNOWS how much I love "our" girls, but it took alot to get there, alot of years, and alot of water under the bridge. I have always just tried to be open with her about everything I do with and for her girls, and there is not ever a time that I see them that I dont tell them I love them, because I truley do!
I am also in the reverse roll, my x-husband remarried and has 2 additional children with his newer wife. Again, not been the easiest thing, and still a work in progress, she is alot younger and did not have any children prior to marrying my x-husband, so she tried to step into the role of parent, and sometimes crossing the boundries, and as a parent, I roared, and fought her on things I did not agree on. But at the end of the day, I KNOW SHE LOVES "OUR" GIRLS. (yes, lots of girls on both sides)
Like I said, every situation is different, and I am fortunate that though, not perfect, all the parents in my situation do have perfect intentions, though not always perfect actions, and always try to do what is best for ALL of our kids.
Short story long, protect and love your son with EVERYTHING you have, but try to give a little understanding and compassion for the "step" parent, if she wants to be another person to love your son, she cant be all bad. Just try, and try, and try, to communicate what you feel is best for your son, even if you feel it is falling on deaf ears, some of it might stick after a while, and one day you might have an amicable relationship, which could only be better for your son.
Best of Luck!!! I hope everything works out the best

Having been a stepmom, I have really mixed feelings about this. Is she unstable only beacause she made a poor decision and visited the school with treats? Is she truly unstable, or is this just your "mamma bear protecting her cub---keep away from MY kid" reaction? Not to be rude, because that is a normal knee jerk reaction! Your child can only benefit from having the people in his life get along really well. Sometimes that means sucking it up and pretending everything is totally fine, even when you don't think it's so great. If you get pissed about stuff she does, it adds so much stress to your son's life that he just doesn't need. My step-daughter used to come over and complain about her mom complaining about what when on at our home. We could do nothing right as far as she was concerned, and her daughter had to hear about it all the time and it would make her feel physically sick. We ended up gettting some family therapy for my husband, myself and my step-daughter. My step-daughter had a safe place to vent (it was agreed by all that what she told the t'pist was between just the two of them) all her conflicting emotions, and this helped her immeasurably. The therapist also gave us strategies for dealing and coping with my husband's ex-wife, which helped us so much. I'd recommend at the very least buying a few good books about blending step-families, because you have a responsibility here to work at this (as do they), and it doesn't sound like you realize this. The books can help open your eyes to things on both sides. If you find one you really like, you can give your ex and his wife a copy and discuss it with them. We had a book (this was years ago) called "Mom's House, Dad's House" that helped us a lot--I don't know if it's still around, but there are many good books out there. You may also consider a therapist to help you air your feelings and keep you centered and reasonable, and give you strategies in dealing with this new family, and the problems that will contine to crop up over the years. The truth is that co-parenting is very difficult and you're going to need all the help you can get.

As far as "rights to your son", it is true she has no legal rights, but he is now her business, since she's married to your ex and is his step-mom. The sooner you accept this, the better for everyone. Would you rather have somebody who cares about him and wants to be all warm and fuzzy with him and his life, or somebody cold and distant and mean to him? You might want to try to remain focused on that when you're feeling resentful of her involvement with him.

In the meantime, why not just call her and tell her very nicely that you appreciate that she's trying to be involved in your son's life and meet his teacher, perhaps next time she could schedule an appointment with the school since it was so exciting for your son he couldn't settle down and ended up disrupting the class and got into trouble? Put a positive spin on it instead of a negative one. He totally loved the visit, etc. Be the bigger person here!! And the truth of it is that she probably won't be able to schedule any visits as the stepmom, unless she brings the dad along, which would be a good thing!! If you can't do that, or feel it will escalate, send a nice letter addressed to both of them.

As far as the school---I have to admit that I'm surprised they haven't contacted you immediately. They are usually so on top of this stuff. She may have claimed to be his mom---it's still early in the year and they can't know everybody. Most schools have a sign-in sheet, so it would be interesting to see what she wrote. I think it might be worth a call to the principal, just so that she knows the situation.

I cannot emphasize enough how much children are hurt by problems and complaints between divorced homes. Don't air your anger and hurt to your son and please don't vent anywhere near where your son can hear. This would be so unfair (and damaging) to him!! Good luck and hang in there! You sound like a very loving mom.

P.S. I just read your extra post---I'm so sorry you got so many mean messages. Wow! Probably a lot of stepmoms who've been "stepped on". Anyway, since your son is in the middle, I hope you have him in some good therapy---also the therapist can help you both deal with this abusive man, and consider whether the courts, police, etc. need to be brought in. GOod luck again.

Hi, K..

I've never been in your situation & I hope to never be in your situation.

My brother has a new wife, an ex-wife and 3 kids. All of which makes for a bad situation. I hear all the stories

What I find interesting is I'm assuming that all of you are going to say that you love your son. With that being the case, I would think that you would all want to get along for his sake.

I'm going to take it, that the dad & wife gets to spend time with your son. With that being the case, I think that does make her his guardian.

No matter what, YOU are always going to be your son's mother. No one can EVER take that away from you. So, you shouldn't feel threaten.

If the school situation really bothers you that much, then you should call back, to get an explaination.

My daughter and her best friend are both 5 years. For about 3 1/2 years, his parents have been divorced. That's the same amount of time we have known them. It took my husband & I about 2 years to realize that they were divorced and it took other parents are daycare even longer. Both parents set aside with ever ego issues they had to be there for their son. The dad has a girlfriend & you still see them all together. For me personally, it's kinda of weird, but they do whatever it takes to make sure their son is a happy well adjusted kid. And it's working.

K.

HI Kim,
Unless your son is being taken off campus there is not much you can do unless you have a restraining order. I was a former school teacher and the only documentation that the school would accept was court orders for restraint or court orders for supervised visitation. Perhaps it's time to reset another court date.

I would continue bugging the school. You should also have on his paperwork that she is not allowed to see, pick up or otherwise. This should stop her from having access to you son at school. (I'm not saying it won't stop though). You need to constantly pursue this matter. Also, talk with his teacher and let them know that she is not a relative and should not be allowed to see him. You might get a better response from them instead.

now that you have called the school it now time to go to the school and present the issue

Maybe the reason your ex is of no help is because he is somehow encouraging her to be the "mom." I am not sure. What I do know is that I would be upset if the school let her have contact with him if she is not on the list to do so. The fact that they are not returning your calls is disturbing also. I would first discuss this situation with your ex. Tell him that even though she may have had the best intentions in wanting to meet the teacher, that the school day is not an appropriate time to do so. The school day is for instruction, not family contact. Let your ex know when and where the stepmom can see and have contact with your son. Tell him absolutely no contact during the school day except during emergency situation. I would look into putting your child into a different school, because this one seems to have security problems/problems with procedures. I would meet with the principal and ask what kinds of measures could be put into place to prevent contact with people not on the visitor list. Good luck in your situation.

You absolutely need to start a journal(if you haven't already) and write down the incidents you mention, as much detail as you can. Then get a restraining order, or injunction, or whatever you need. Talk to a lawyer (maybe your divorce lawyer can help with this.)
Good luck.

Sorry to hear that your sons school can't take the time to check id's. We fill out emergency cards at our children's schools and only those people are allowed to pick up our children. I don't know of any school that just lets anyone on campus. She had to have said she was his mother and she just came by to give him something.
I would go into the school and demand to speak to the principle. Talk to him or her and let them know of your situation. Then talk to your sons teacher and the counselor.
I am divorced also and it is very important to have a journal and to keep records of everything that happens and everything that is said. This will stand up in court if need be. I was told by my lawyer that each page had to be dated and signed by you.
Unfortunately the day that your ex married that person she became one of your sons guardian's. I don't know your situation with your ex and all that goes on. But your main concern is your son. And his needs and safety. Change custody if need be and make everyone go to counseling. If your ex and his wife are going to be a part of your sons life then make it the best you can, by making things the way they need to be to benefit your son. He is the #1 main concern here. If what she does is hurting him in any way, change it. If it isn't hurting him and it just bothers you, step back and take a breath and ask yourself, is this bothering me or my son. Is it hurting my son? and if it is OK for him and it just irritates you because she is the other "mom" in his life then you need to give them some room to build a relationship. It's OK for him to like her. Believe me after 7 years of being divorced i am glad that my daughters have a step mom they love and can trust. It makes for happy homes on both ends. For them and for me.
My prayers are with you. I hope that i have not gone over board here.( i tend to do so sometimes) I am sorry if i have and if i have stepped on your toes.
I would love to talk more with you if you would like. This is a hard thing to deal with. It is nice to have other people that are impartial to bath parties to talk to.
Take care
B.

Hi Kim, Go to the school office let them know, that for no reason is this woman allowed to comje to the school concerning your son. I know you said in your e-mail that she has no rights to your son, unfortunaly that's not exactly the case when parents divorce and get remarried, that's why you have to look at the bigh picture, of all the negetives before divorcing. J. L.

Kim,
I just read your response! I am so sorry to hear about how you were attacked by all the negative comments! Shame to all of those who don't know how to help others! I think your concern is legit. He's your baby, you're not being supported. I think you need to start with some professional counseling, to support you and your child. And I think you need to look into limiting visitation rights if the father is abusive. Get legal counsel as well. Stay strong my sister. Below is my original response.

***Wow! What a difficult situation. I am a teacher and I have dealt with moms and dads who don't like the step parent, etc. It is difficult, for the step parent (because they must spend a good amount of time with their step-child) to understand that they are not the parent. But she does spend time with your child, so you should try to work with her, as crazy as this sounds, so that she can be a positive influence on your boy, and not a distraction.
It sounds as if she's trying to get attention. And in a sort of lame way. What was the point of giving the candy to your son? Why not give it after school? What ever. So you should find out/talk to her about the consequences of her actions in a calm way (explain that 6 year olds don't need candy and distractions during the day)and see if she gets it.
As far as the school goes, go back Monday morning, schedule an appointment with the principal and talk to her about the concerns you have.
If her behavior continues to escalate, call a lawyer.
Good luck to you

I would contact the school again and inform them that she is to have no contact with your son during school hours. If they do not respond then I would go to the school district office and speak to them. Most schools require all persons to check in at the office before going to a class or the playground.

I think you are only making things worse for your son by being so hostle towards his step mom. She is related to him even if you don't like it. Things would be different if she was just a girlfriend but she is his step-mom and the two things you mentioned probably are the worse because if their was more I'm sure they would have been front and center. Taking your kid stickers and candy to school and introducing herself to the teacher and calling insurance to find out about your son are no major safety issues to your son weird maybe but maybe she feels your ex should be a more involved parent and she is doing what she can in her own way. I think the more people kids have in their corner to protect them and love them and feel safe with the better. The best situation would be mom & dad together since that didn't work out and dad chose to remarry the people in your sons life should try to get along and do what is best for the kid involved not their own agenda and make his life easier and happier not add stress and conflict. Best of luck to your son in that situation. As fo rthe school they should be asking everyone for I.d. no matter what and people should only be let on camous for a good reason to not disrupt the childrens learning and they should get back to you quickly when a parent has a safety issue but maybe they are aware of your situation and don't want to be caught in the middle like your son. Sorry for the tough love.

Im so sorry to hear those moms attacked you like that because the things they said were ridiculous! I completely agree with Trish C (the school teacher)... and you ARE acting like a mom and you have every right to do what you think you need to to protect your child. I hope everything works out for you :)

Lets look at this another way, suppose a earthquake happens and the only person who can get to your son is the ex wife,
( d0 you still hate her ) lets suppose you get really sick and the only one who can look after your son in a loving way is the ex wife ( do you still hate her ) when your son goes to visit his dad stays over night does he come back harmed,
or clean fed rested and happy ( do you still hate her,) because she is the one who is making sure he is clean, he is fed, and is rested. ( do you still hate her ) she might not be blood but she treats him as her son, and to be blessed with a mom & dad and a step mom only means all these people are loving him. She sounds like she wants to be a part of his life, maybe he did something good and she brought by a reward for him. Kim this issue is with you not with her or your son, be grateful if anything happened to you she would take good care of him, dont be threasten your always be mom no body can take that.. I do not think she did anything wrong, she could of waited until later for the stickers she sounded excited is all, plus she does not seem threatened by you being mom, she just is the ex wife who adores your son...

Who knows what the step mom is trying to do. Hopefully she only has good intentions. But, She should have never been able to make contact with your son at school. Especially if she is not on some sort of list. Anyone can walk up and say their someone...to gain access to a child. Most schools wouldn't let you through the front doors with out ID.

I think you have enough information/documentation to go to the police and request a restraining order on that woman. Yes, if I were you, I would be over at the school in person right now. Good luck! A

I would definitely follow up with the school. The way i think about it, is, 'what if she wanted to take him out of school? Would they have allowed that too?' If she has no legal rights to your son then she has no bussines with him.

Check with the school to see if she is listed on his paperwork and what the guidlines for that are. If she's listed, you don't have much choice. Dad has the right to add people. You will most liekly need court intervention to prevent her from going, but probably won't win. The teacher should send a note to the step-mom about what is appropriate to bring to school, enough for the class, etc. Stay out of that one and let the teacher hancdle it.
As hard as it is, find a way to work with her while she is a part of your sons life. Your son is getting caught in the middle and he is what matters. You hold more power than you realize, it's all how you use it.

Hi:

I have not been in your shoes but if I were, I would make an appointment to speak with the principal in person. I would then explain the situation and ask that this person not be allowed to visit your son during school hours. And I would aks that she not be allowed to pick him up unless you have given written permission. If they give you any problems, I would seek an attorney who can help you make this a formal demand.

Best wishes,

M.

Hello,
I have not been in your situation but I would be livid. If she or your husband will not listen than the only choice you have is to make an appointment with the principal or just show up and demand to see him to discuss this situation and let him know that she is no longer allowed to visit him or have anything to do with him as she has no legal rights. He will have no choice but to do as you say, she is not his mother. Then let your ex-husband know what is going to happen and how much of a disruption she was at his school. As far as medical records go that is against the law, it sounds as if she continues you may need a lawyer.
Good luck, I would never want to be in your position. Also remember that what ever you do, your child will also have to deal with this and I am sure that the wife of your husband will be vocal to him and all that banter is not good for the child. So try to deal with this situation with your childs interests in mind, does he like this lady, ask you son what he thinks of her because if he gets along with her and you alienate her from him that will only cause you more problems. I know your son is 6 but he may be able to give you feedback on his relationship with her. Good Luck

Hi Kim,

I too would be upset if my son had a step-mother who overstepped her boundries. However, you need to see what your custody agreement or court order with your ex states about physical and legal custody before you do anything.

It IS the school's responsibility to keep your child safe, but this woman has not posed a threat.

The school should have a sign-in sheet and no one should be allowed into the classroom without prior approvable by 1) the teacher and 2) the principal.

Call the school to arrange a sit-down meeting with your child's teacher, the principal, and the school's counselor for sometime in the next 5 school days.

If you get no reply or are unsatisfied with the response you get, contact your district's superintendent. If your are unsatisfied with the results, contact the president of the school board. Be sure to supply the documentation (contact dates and results) of each meeting you have had with school personnel.

Unfortunately you will not be allowed to restrict the step-mom's visits unless you can provide negative documentation. Two of which you already have; 1) she posed as a parent, and 2) she disrupted the school day and 3) her actions resulted in a negative result for your son.

Have a notice placed in his cumulative folder of people who have access to his information and that proof of identification must be verified. Make sure there is a signature page of the person who views the folder and initial of the person who verifies the ID.

You're probably not going to like my answer, but... First of all, I totally agree with you about the inappropriateness of the stickers and candy, and also it sounds like she came at a disruptive time of day, instead of before or after school. Both of those things just kind of sound like ignorance to me (being a school employee myself). However. I have two other views; one being legal and the other being personal. Legally, the school is in a bind: any person who is on the child's emergency card can visit/ pick up a child. If she's listed on the emergency card as a contact, she can come to the school and see him and legally have contact with him and the school staff. Even if she's not on the emergancy card, legally she is a form of a guardian due to the fact that she is married to his father, and unless there is custody paperwork or a restraining order, she may still have rights to interact with the school staff and your son. Now, for my personal opinion, as a step mom. Don't be so defensive! The more people who love your child, the better for him! School support is crucial for school success and the more people the better. (Sorry!)

Hi Kim,

After reading your message about your experience, I did not bother to read the comments others posted....they sound like a bunch of negativity I did not want to subject myself to. I do not know if you will even read this message since you were (or you sound like you were) so attacked. I want to share with you my perspective since I am a teacher. And no, I am not a step mother, so that would not be my perspective either...maybe some of those people that posted negative comments were step mothers coming from the "other" side.

What I want to share with you are the rules at our elementary school. Your son's safety should be of utmost importance, especially when he is at school. Our school (and our district) has strict regulations in place to protect all students. During school hours, for an individual to be allowed on campus, they first must have Megan's Law clearance (I live in CA, nor sure where you are from.) this clearance makes sure that adults are allowed to be around children and do not have any sexual crimes on their records. To get clearance, one must show a valid drivers license and not have any sexual crimes on their records. Also, our school has recently completely placed 6 foot fences around the entire campus and has gates that are locked during school hours. This is to help funnel all adults through the school office, where they must sign in on a clipboard and records of who goes or works in the classrooms is maintained...this also helps in the event of an emergency (fire or earthquake) if you were on campus, they would know to find you too.

I think your concern is a very valid one as it relates to the office staff not returning your call. It sounds like your school does not have anything in place like our school does. the other thing is that in order for your son to be released to her, she would need to be on his emergency card. If, under no circumstance, do you want him to be released to her, you should share this with the office staff. I do think that they would not release him to her unless they were to have your permission. Now, if his dad filled out the emergency card and her name is on it, she would have not problem being allowed to pick him up at any time, since she is a step parent.

It is my opinion that it was terribly disruptive that she arrived at the school during school hours to bring candy and stickers. Also, to have an unscheduled "parent" visitor during the school day is disruptive for the teacher. They have many things to do and even struggle to make it to the bathroom during their breaks! She should not have showed up during the school day, just out of respect for the teacher. That should have happened at the end of the day...well at least the stickers. I think the candy was our of line all together. By the way, our school district also has a health food policy in place...teachers are only allowed to serve one sugary treat per month in the classroom. Other wise, they should be treats like fresh fruit, pretzels, crackers, cheese, etc. But, that is only Once per month! So, in that sense, she was also out of line by bringing candy...especially if it was just for not good reason! That sounds to me like she is trying to win his love and adoration through treats and material things...which in my opinion is also the wrong way to foster a postive relationship with him...she is just trying to "buy him off", if you know what I mean.

Another solution that his step mom could have done was to just give them to your son the next time that she saw him. Then, your son could have taken them to school and been so excited to share them with his classmates. I do think it was a good idea if she wanted to meet the teacher. But, my question is "What was her true motive in meeting the teacher?" You and I dont know that...but you probably do have a good idea since you know her. If her true motive was to try and have open lines of communication with the teacher and school, that was admirable. But, how she went about it was inconsiderate...disrupting the school day for the teacher and your son. Hopefully, the teacher asked her to come at more conveient times that would be less disruptive. Now, if she wanted to volunteer in the class, that too was admirable, but that should be set up in advance.

I think you should follow up with your son's teacher and share your concern with her. I would ask, what are the school's policies regarding "visitor's" on campus...(they must have rules about that since they cant let molesters on campus during school hours). Then if you have specific requests regarding who your son is to go home with and things like that you should also share that. The office staff/principal should have contacted you to let you know the rules about these issues for your school. I do not think you over reacted...it is your job to try and protect you son as best you can. Do not be discouraged by all of the negativity that was sent your way. Stay positive, keep on loving your son and be the good mother that you are.

hang in there and best of luck,
T.

Kim
I just wanted to give a quick answer to Magan T comment about being a guardian. This is absolutely not true. Her being married to your ex husband does not give any her legal rights at all.

You should take it up with the school and see whether she's on the "emergency" and "pick-up" list. If not she has absolutely no right being there. Go to his school in person phone calls won't get you anywhere. Check with the school as soon as possible. Don't leave without an answer. Your son has a right of being safe and the school has a duty to keep him safe. It makes me wonder what else that school doesn't do to keep the kids safe. Letting unauthorized people onto the school ground is a absolute no no.

You have a right to be upset, but I think this is also a very sensitive topic for you (step mom) and you may have over reacted slightly. Not a lot but slightly. No the school should not have let her in to see your son. That is not right. At the start of school year I am sure you filled out a form saying who was allowed access to your son at school and I'm guessing she isn't on it! I'm a step mom and I wouldn't do what this woman did. I don't have a god relationship with the mother either and I try to avoid conflict. You're right she has over stepped her bounds, but you need to talk to your ex about that. As for the school, I'd talk to the principal.
Make it clear this woman is not allowed to see your son. The teacher shouldn't have allowed it either. You may have to go down to the school yourself.
On the insurance front. Call your insurance and see if you can set up a password that needs to be given to gain access to information. Your husband and you can both do this. Explain what happened and why you want it done. We had to do this because my stepsons mom kept trying to get information on what we were spending on insurance and on our other kids and trying to get our insurance for her other boys.
I would just like to add that a step mom is not always a mom to the step child. Some families have great relationships and can live in peace. Others can't. I am NOT a Mom to my stepson. Not in the sense a lot of others are. I doubt he will even call me mom and I am fine with that. I have 3 kids of my own and I know if they ever called anyone else mom it would really hurt. The parents don't get along and I am in no way going to push a relationship like it seems this woman is doing. If the Dad is encouraging it tell him to let his son decide. It should happen on their time not during school hours.
Good luck with all of this. I know how big a mess it can be!

I am a teacher and I know that there are steps to gain access to the campus. First of all they must check in at the office and be okayed to come on campus. We always ask any adult who does not have a Volunteer sticker why they are on campus!

Anyone who is on your child's PERM card (that is filled out by the parent) is allowed access to the child or able to pick them up. The office staff is always aware and very cautious about cases in which one parent/ or family member is not allowed access to a child based on court orders. Teachers are also aware of any court orders. So if you ex's wife is on the PERM card as a person who is allowed to pick up your child, they are allowed on campus.

I wouldn't worry about this too much. She may have caused you much heartache, but lets hope that she is just trying to make a positive connection with your son (in the only way she knows how). If your son was excited about the visit, let him be excited and be careful not to show him how much that irritates you. You are a wonderful mom!

I think that she definately crossed the line by going to your sons school in the middle of the day. Your ex should be handling this and they should be making these decisions together. As I know that often wont happen and men tend to sit back and let things happen. There somehow needs to be some rules for this woman and she needs to respect you as the mother of your son. She does have a few rights as his step mother but never to over ride yours. I have never been able to sit and civally talk to my ex either and often feel his new wife wears the pants and makes the decisions for them. so basicly i guess i understand how you feel but dont have any real answers and for that im sorry.

as for the school though, i know with my kids anyone going on to campus has to check into the office and maybe that is what you need to be asking your school. and yes i would continue to call or stop in the office to find out their policy on this. you should be able to stop her from visiting your son during school hours. my question would be does she ever pick up or drop off your son. if the answer is no then i would make sure the office knows that. that way they can tell her she isnt able to visit him at school. his teacher also needs this info. so if she was to show up in the class room or play ground she could send her to check in at the office. your school needs to support you with any issues you have.

it is really hard to parent when you feel someone else is always undermining you or almost trying to make you look bad by being the good one. i call it disneyland dad. the best thing i tried to do for my kids when they were going back and forth was to be consistant at our house. and to let them know that these were the rules at "our" house and tried to help them understand why we had the rules and always make sure they knew i loved them. as long as i felt they were safe when they went to dads house i kinda did the "what happens at dads stays at dads". i didnt want to deal with the issues or complaints they would come home with.

not sure if this is helping but wanted you to know you arent alone. good luck and you can msg me for any support or just to vent!!
S.

I understand your situation. I went through this with my son when he was in preschool. The director was very good about speaking to my ex-husband's girlfriend (now wife) at the time and setting boundaries. Many years later we now get along well. I don't know if you have a family law attorney but if nothing is resolved, it is best to have the lawyer handle problems.

I would pursue this with the principal, as well as with the teacher. No one should have access to children during the school day without registering with the school office, especially in an elementary school.

One question, though--does she love your son? She did it in an inappropriate way, but perhaps she wants to be a part of his life by meeting his teacher and learning more about his school. If she is a permanent part of his father's life, it seems as though it would be in your son's best interest for all of you to try to get along with each other.

I know--it's hard. I've been there with my ex's second wife. But while I didn't appreciate your input a whole lot, we were able, through some counseling and communication, to make the situation easier for our son. It was very hard on him with a stepmom and a stepdad--he felt terribly conflicted about liking his stepparents, since he felt disloyal to his biological parents when he felt love for his stepparents. Just please don't put your little boy in the middle of this--it's very hard on children when their parents are having conflicts with each other.

Kim,
The school should have a policy in place that any adult, parent included has to sign in at the front office before goinng on campus. Most schools have this in place. If this lady went on campus without checking in at the front office. I would definetly talk to the school staff about this situation.

Good luck

S.

My first response was you are lucky she is taking an active role in the well being of your son. But you say she is unstable??? If she truely is unstable and you feel she is doing harm to your son you need to pursue the school and maybe the courts to limit or deny her any contact with your son. If however you just don't like her and/or you are upset because she has time to spend to surprise your son at school you need to hide your anger and think about how your son feels. Does your son like her? Is your son having to live in two houses or just with you? I know from experience it sucks to be from a divorced household especially when one parent talks bad about the other "step" parent. Your son needs all the support he can get. It sounds like from this breif note she has good intentions even if they caused a disturbance. Maybe you can suggest that next time she let you know if you would like to meet the teacher and set up a time not during school hours. Try to make this the easiest on your son he is your number one priority. Sorry you have to go through this just try and remember your son is looking to you his MOM on how to handle things. Good luck

Just so you know they should be checking ID for everyone.
Our shcool asks to see ID to every parent and they check it with the kids records to see if they are a additional parent able to pick up. Now they know several parents who help out all the time and they no long check their ID's. But a new face should have been checked. Though when the class is having a party or something major they do just allow them to go to the class room.

I guess if you talk to the teacher and tell her that this lady has no right to see your child during school hours and that she is not on his release cards. She could warn security that she shouldn't be their. They can either call the police or tell her to leave. I would warn them all in the office that she doesn't have authorization to see your child. But I think it will have to be left to your child to say please don't come to my school I got in trouble, and I don't want you their. I'm sure for a while she will fill that you are behind this, but he needs to remind her that she is not welcome thier, even if your son starts to hate her because she doesn't give up. Sooner or later she will give up.

I'm sorry that your son will have to deal with some crazy lady in his young life, this will make him grow up so much faster because you will have to be their explaining why she is doing these things.

Remember to keep the comunication open with him so that you can help him out. So that he knows he can always beleive you and come to you. Because this lady sounds like the one who will put crazy ideas in his head about you. So be prepared. God bless you and your son, and keep you both safe. Good luck with this. J.

I have been on both side of the fence. You should be glad the step-mom loves your son and wants to be part of his life. By taking the role you’re taking now - you will ultimately end up hurting your child and only your child. I learned this the hard way. My first born is now 20 years old, when he was about 8 years old I realized that my anger and jealousy toward his step-mother was hurting my son. He really liked her and he fought the feeling only to please ME!!
Example: My son would come home, after spending the weekend with them, and immediately inform me what a horrible time he had. When I contacted his father he mentioned many exciting trips and outing (I know my son enjoyed). When I confronted my son, he would confirm that, in fact, he had a great time but was AFRAID to tell me to avoid HURTING ME!! I immediately changed my ways. I needed my son to trust me and to be able to share all his feelings and NOT feel TRAPPED between the two families that loved him. I needed to grow up and get over my anger and jealousy. This was VERY hard since this was the woman who broke up my marriage but, it was NOT about the adults it was about my son.

I swallowed my pride and began being "nice" and more understanding. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and gave more thought to my son’s feelings and needs. They ended up braking up (surprise) and he went through many other girlfriends and is now married to a wonderful woman. I LOVE his new wife. I myself remarried (my husband also has a child) and gave birth to two wonderful kids. My husbands ex will not cooperate with us and is very bitter – she now has two more kids with two different fathers and is very difficult. I have made several attempts to communicate with her but only profanity comes out of her mouth.

Please put your needs last when it comes to your child. You can get more bees with honey than with vinegar. If I were you, I would try to set up a time to meet the step-mom and get to know her. You don’t have to like her but she will be spending a lot of time with your child. Think about that.

You sound like a very intelligent woman, I hope you can use your intelligence not your feelings to make the right decisions.

I wish you the best!!

Kim, I understand. I do. Let me tell you want I used to see on a daily basis when I was teaching. One of the studetns gets into trouble and no one is there when a call goes home to get help. Or a student is crying out for help through violence or acting out because "there is no one at home who cares". A child runs away because no one loves them.

I get that you are upset. Disruptions to school and to life are upsetting. But I am sorry, it is not about you. It is about your son. If he has two moms that love him, then that jsut means he is doubly blessed.

And you are right, I don't understand your situation, all I can say is, love your son, let others love him.

And as far as the school goes, if they are legally married, she is a legal guardian as well. This is s touchy situation for the school. On the one hand, they see that there are two women in this boys life who care enough to get involved and on the other, they see your frustration. They are not mediators in family disapreements, they are there to educate your son. I would follow up with them. State your displeasure about not being contacted. And ask what measures they have in place for the safety of the students. At my daughters school all visitors must check in and show ID, it is just policy. the only door that you is unlocked is the office door so to enter the school you must go by the office.

Kim, I honour the love you have for your son.

B. B.A.:B.E.d
Family Nutrition Coach

Hi Kim. Well I know you figured it all out on your own, yet my input might help. My nieces school has one way in and out once shcool starts, and that is through the front office door. All other gates are locked, and guests have to check in with id. It is a security risk. And does she have any kids of her own, REALLY Candy at school?! what was she thinking! And doesn't she know the teacher is there for the kids during school not to meet the parents and she should have made an appointment! Figure out the school rules and discuss them with your ex letting him know you feel it is inappropriate of her to go to your child's school, and if I'm not mistaken candy is forbidden at most school for the reason your child got in trouble. Afterall you're the parent and your child is your responsibility. best wishes!

Why should your son's stepmom NOT have access to him at school? If your ex has part-time custody, she is now an important part of his life too and will probably be around for school events, possibly sometimes be dropping him off and picking him up etc.

Please don't get a restraining order against this woman, as some have suggested. Boy would that make life difficult for your ex and your son. Not the right reasons to do it. I mean, really, is she "unstable"? What does that mean? She is not a danger to your son is she? Be honest.
I will say, candy and stickers and a visit in the middle of the school day is totally inappropriate (even if you are the natural parent). That was a pretty lame attempt on her part to establish her place, or build a relationship with him or whatever. But it doesn't sound like a personal attack against you.

If you must, make your calls to the school to air out your grievances and personal feelings about your son's stepmom. I am sure they would love being dragged into the family drama. What it comes down to, is this: is it documented that she is an emergency contact for your son (she should be, if she is a capable adult in one of his 2 households)? If not, then you're right, she shouldn't have been allowed on campus. And it is your right to call the school out on their mistake.
But I think it would make your son's life very difficult if you leave her off the records and attempt to ban her from ever going to his school. Perhaps the school can assist you in drawing the boundaries if she is really as clueless as this incident shows about when parents can show up and what to bring, etc.

If you and your ex have joint custody, regardless of who is primary, then his wife has every right to visit the school whenever parents are allowed to visit (with his permission, of course.) We share custody of my stepchildren with their mom on a 60/40 split ( we have them 60%) and I do not view it as inappropriate at all when I visit the school. I am a huge part of their lives, and am a parent to them, though stepparents certainly do not have all the rights bio parents have. If you have true sole custody, then it is inappropriate for her to visit the school without your permission, though I do not see how it is inappropriate for her to want to introduce herself to the teacher. The candy is another matter. That is ridiculous. And your school certainly should check the IDs of all visitors.And, you should consider filing charges against her for impersonating you to gain confidential medical records, though I would only pursue that if your ex does not have the right to receive the records. But do try to develop a friendly relationship with your child's stepmom. In the end, the animosity only hurts the kids. Just my $.02.

Please, Kim, don't give away your power. It sounds like you're right that your ex's wife is competing with you for the role of your son's mom. Guess what? Unless you REALLY blow it, she'll lose. Your son knows who his mother is and loves you in a way that she can never aspire to. Left to her own devices, this woman is setting herself up for failure. Her behavior seems to be both intrusive and annoying. I imagine people will be able to figure that out for themselves. How do you think your son's teacher liked her invasion of the classroom? Your best plan is to to rein in your understandable irritation and adopt an attitude of polite reason. Don't put people like the school officials in a position where they feel caught between warring women. Of course you are entitled to feel upset, but complain to close friends and family, not strangers or, worse yet, your son. If you have specific complaints that you need addressed, keep your description to the facts of what happened and let other people draw their own conclusions. This woman is likely to sabotage herself, and she'll do it a lot faster if you keep a healthy distance.

Specific to the school security issues, I can understand your concern, but, as you said, staff doesn't have time to check everyone's ID. This might be something to take up with the principal or even the PTA. However, if you make it too much about your son's stepmom, you're likely to lose your credibility. She may have been inappropriate, but it's unlikely that she posed a serious threat to anyone.

Go directly to the school today and talk with the child's teacher and remind her that this person is not your son's gaurdian. Then go to the principl's office and ask when you can speak with him. Set up an appointment. Explain your concerns and that she is not his qaurdian. Be calm and direct. Request that they not allow her to disrupt your son's school day.

As hard as it will be, you need to step back and really look at what is best for your son. Is it better to have support from ALL the people in his life? What happens if you remarry? Will you not want your new husband to be emotionally supportive of your child? I have a friend who divorced when her boys were small. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to be at her kids sporting events and be with all the parents cheering them on. When there would be a school conference, ALL the parents, steps included, showed up. This sends a message to the child that there is a united front behind him and it also makes it more difficult to play one parent against the other. My brother and his wife actually spend holidays with his stepsons father and wife. This shows a level of maturity that will reap benefits for years to come. I don't know your situation leading up to the divorce, but for the sake of your child, you need to be really aware of not putting him in the middle. It will only get worse as he gets older and more involved in other activities.

Of course you are mad and angry, but for the sake of your son please smother the ex with kindness. Be above her and show your son how you are the best behaved and kindest person in the world.
It might even help the school to understand the family better if they did see the ex once in while. They can tell bad from good. Show yourself as the perfect mom that is just fine and a good person which you seem to be.
You can win the battle and lose the war if you over react.
Hard, but wouldn't this be the best for your son. He will be a man someday and looking for a good relationship.
Good luck.
B. v

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