How to Address Comments That I'm "Working Just to Pay the Sitter"?

You could just say "You're right, if I was working just to pay the sitter that would be ridiculous. Good thing I'm not".

I don't know if you're married. If you are, I would say

"I'm not working to pay the sitter. That's (husband's) job. Take it up with him."

There's so much sexism in the comment, I can't get over it.

And if you're single, I'd say

"I'm not working to pay the sitter. I'm working to pay the bills. If you'd like to take those over, we can talk."

Or some combination of the two. Good luck.

How about I work because I both enjoy it, make money at it, and put my best self forward for my family.

As much as I cherish my son, if I stayed home, he would not get the best of me. My work makes me a better, more calm, and satisfied parent. I want to provide a good example- so I work.

Follow it up with ridiculous sarcasm that will shut them up on the spot:

"I just can't stand being around my kids that long during the day."

"I had to hire a hot nanny so my husband had someone to fantasize about."

"Want to watch my kids for free so I don't have to waste the money on the sitter?"

"The kids like the nanny better than they like me."

"I want my daughter to feel like she is capable of doing something with her life other than spawning children and being a housewife, depending on a man to take care of her." (DISCLAIMER - I do not think that SAHMs are like this; I'm just offering a stupid rebuttal to a stupid question)

Make it something so super outrageous so they stand there, mouth agape, unable to even respond. Maybe they'll figure out that your ludicrous comment is a reflection of their idiotic verbal vomit.

I would respond with something like, "I think it's important for many, many reasons to stay working. For starters, I want the children to see women contributing financially to the household as well as to the community. For my family, I want them to have the educational benefits and opportunities from a 2 income family. For my husband, I want to relieve him from the worry and stress of carrying the wellfare of our family and future solely upon himself; if he got ill or died, I need to be able to support us too. For the children, I think it's important that they're comfortable seeing someone other than me as a primary caregiver; they need to be confident when they go to school--mommy isn't there and they should have the foundation to feel secure about their teachers and school staffbeing able to take care of them if necessary. And for myself, I think it makes a more patient and happy mom to have a break from the children and have adult conversations and projects to focus on."

"Suck it" is a response that comes to mind.

"Mind your own business" is maybe marginally less rude than the above.

"My baby and I are both happy and healthy. I must be doing something right, don't you agree?" forces them to apologize or at least try to explain their obnoxious questions.

I actually do know at least one Mom that does work (part-time) to pay a sitter. I don't fault her a bit. It's the perfect balance for her, makes her a better Mom and keeps her active in her area of work until the kids are both in school and she can return to work full-time if she wants to. Momma's happy, kids are happy.

There are all kinds of reasons that people choose to stay at home with their kids or work outside the home and all are ok and valid. If you feel the need to give them an answer I'd say, "Thanks for your concern, but our childcare arrangement is the perfect balance for our family." You don't have to go into a big dissertation about why you made your choice... it sounds as though they have a strong opinion about how you should be raising your child and it's not likely that you'll change that.

Good luck~ it's a stinky feeling not to feel supported by others.

Put them in there place. It's okay to say-I earn more than I have to pay the nanny-I want to stay current in the work force so that I will always be able to take care of my family in case of an emergency, news flash-do you know how incredibly fortunate I am-there are 15 mil people out of work? The income I produce is securing my child's future- is the nanny a monster and I just don't know about it? Would you like to repalce her for free? -then you wouldn't have to worry how much I am paying her!

I think I would be inclined just to let their comment hang in the air in silence, just long enough to make the person who said it feel a little uncomfortable for making such a tactless comment, and then saying something like, "Of course I'm not just working just to pay my nanny," and leave it it at that.

You don't have to explain yourself.

Lipstick M. said it all! She said everything I was going to say. The only thing I might add is: I have a daughter and I don't want her to grow up thinking she needs to rely on her husband to support her. I am trying to set a good example to my daughter and let her see her mother as a hard working, independant woman who makes her own money. Two incomes are better than one, and my daughter will not have to wonder how she will pay for college someday. You sound like a great mother, don't let ignorant people make you feel you need to justify your lifestyle. Keep up the good work! (pun intended)

People can be so rude. Why people think they can say these things is a mystery to me. I was a single mom and I still heard remarks like this all the time - and if I made a career change that might require driving further or travel or more time at work, my relatives would escalate the commentary. And what's amazing is I always felt like I had to defend. You can see even now I say I was a single mom like it justifies it when the truth is I really enjoyed working. Try saying any of these that aren't defensive, don't have guilt between the lines and put the onus to defend back on the rude person who made the comment:
"Do you really think that's your business?", or
"If the worst thing I can say to a SAHM is 'my gosh, what do you do with yourself all day?', the worst thing you can say to me is 'how can you let someone else care for your child?' Why do you suppose we can't all just get along?, or
"Are you asking me why people choose different paths? I think it's because people are different! What do you think?" or
"Do I just look stupid to you?" or
"What exactly are you saying? Do you think my family didn't consider our choices and make the best decision for us?" or
"I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. You seem to think the nanny and I make the same amount of money. Where did you get your information?"

End it with a question. Make them elaborate and dig their own hole. Maybe then they will understand how insulting their comments are.

I like Dana K.'s. I find it rewarding, I'm so glad I can be contributing to society, I want to set an example for my children that women can contribute to society and not be dependent on someone else to support them. and add "with all we do together evenings and weekends my child and I have a great relationship, she knows who her mother is!" answer them with joy and confidence, if the same person continues to make remarks you'll know for sure it is jealousy. say gently "Is that why you feel you cant work outside the home? (or felt you couldnt when you were my age?") Are you looking for advise in how to get a better job or are you wondering how much Nannies make?"
If this is your parents talking they may actually be worried about you and need to be reassured that you are making more than you are paying the nanny (anyone else doesnt need to know details)

You don't have to mention money directly... If I were you I'd say, "Well, if I were just doing it to pay the sitter, then I wouldn't be working!".

I think, personally, that this isn't a question directed towards how much money you make, though. I think it is a question that people ask to hint that they think you should be staying at home. That's usually what the underlying intention is.

With a sweet smile...and 'sweeter' voice...merely say, "thank you for sharing your concern"

And then forge on to a new topic...

Silly silly family/friends...
And rude as well...IMO
Michele/cat

You poor thing, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. My family stays away from the topic b/c they know it takes 2 of us to make ends meet, but my inlaws are hard core about a mom staying home w/the kiddos. The last time my MIL came down from CA, she drilled me for an entire MONTH and I basically told her that if she was willing to pay my mortgage, then I would quit my job, otherwise, I didn't want to hear it anymore. I don't stay at home, but when I am home, I spend as much time as possible. You do what you have to do to provide a good home for your family. IGNORE THEM! AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

Really it's none of their darn business what you do with your money or WHY you're working in the first place. You do not need to defend yourself and I wouldn't do it if I were you. Some people feel more fulfilled in their lives by having a child, if that means working a little more to pay the bills then why not? Even if you would be fine money-wise being a SAHM, who's to say you don't deserve a life outside of the house too? If I were you, I'd tell them all where to stick it.

Tell them, "I earn a lot more than I pay the nanny."

Really, you don't need to explain your choices to other people. We all do what we feel is best for our own families.
If someone is being obnoxious about it I'd just say "Oh I wouldn't work just to pay a sitter!" and leave it at that.

The only way to answer is a comment like that is either with the truth "well i make enough to pay the sitter and then some"

or with sarcasm 'you want to do it for free?"

I would just say that "believe me, there's a lot more to our decision than my salary vs. the cost of child care and we are confident that we have made the best decision for our family" and then change the subject. If you need any ammo to throw at the people who are persistent and you're up for the task of educating people, here is a link to an article posted by another mom this week:

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/6348568059686551553?ne...

You don't need to defend your choices in how to raise your kids. Even if you WERE working just to pay the nanny, not everyone is cut out to be a stay-at-home parent.
Ar your kids happy? Are they healthy? Do they know that you love them? If so, then you are doing a good job as a parent.
Tell the busybodies that you don't tell them how to raise their kids, so they can stop telling you how to raise yours.

The next time they bring this up, give them the wierdest look and say----I like my job and I love our nanny. I would appreciate you keeping your comments to yourself. Every mom deserves a break and this is how I choose to get mine! Or, It doesn't have to make sense to you. This is what works for our family. Keep repeating that---after a few times when you don't volunteer any more info, they will give up and stop asking. Its purely not their business. So just keep repeating, this is what works for our family, or, thats personal--this is what we choose for our family.

Sorry they are sooo nosy! Every mom has to do what works for her--even if you were just working to pay the sitter-who cares! Its your decision!

M

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not true."

"I'm not going to discuss my finances with you."

I think their comments are more about working moms than anything. They make the assumption that what Mom makes is less, that it barely covers childcare, and they prefer Mom to be home with the kids. In today's society, there are more options. I know a family where Dad stays home and Mom works because it works for them that way.

Well, it's none of their business and rude of them to make the comment. I would just respond with, "Well, it makes sense because I make a lot more than I pay the nanny." -and leave it at that. They deserve no explanation or anything else. If someone pushes you on it, feel free to remind them it's none of their business, but if they're so concerned with the fact that they think you should be home instead of working, tell them to feel free to pay you the salary that you're now bringing home to make up for it. That sort of thing usually shuts people up for good.

I sometimes find myself in the same situation, but opposite. I'm getting "Now that your kids are all in school, don't you want to get a job or something?" I usually look them right in the eye and say "I really appreciate your concern, but we're doing JUUUST fine exactly the way we are." This would work for you, too. You don't have to justify anything to anyone. Your situation works for YOU and your family and THAT'S the most important thing. Let them make their comments, THEY'RE the ones being nosy and rude, not you. You don't even have to say anything. Next time someone says something to you, just say "hmmm..." and look at them. If they keep pushing, say something non-commital like "I guess that's your perspective then". If they KEEP pushing, say something like "I'm so happy you care so much about us that you devote SO MUCH TIME to thinking about us!" Don't ever feel like you need to explain or justify ANYTHING to them. If you start defending or explaining yourself, they'll just use that to turn the arguments against you. There is no wrong or right in the working mom vs stay at home mom debate. You've made the appropriate choice for YOUR family, it's the right choice for YOUR family, you're confident of that, so don't let them make you feel like you're doing something wrong - which is the message you'll send them if you start defending your choices to them.

Discussing money with people who are probing for more info (that's what they are doing) won't stop them from probing for even more info.
You could just tell them there are different ways to skin a cat and this way works for you.

I have actually said that same thing to working moms. They were good frends to start with and they were the ones who said it first. If they complain about it costing more for daycare than what they earn I look them dead in the eye and ask why they work then. It sometimes isn't about the money. It's the need to stay current in your line of work to insure a better income later, when kids start to cost even more to raise. Some of us just aren't the type who should stay home with our kids all day. It's a tough job, a rewarding job to most, but has it's downfalls, as does any job. I happen to be one of those who never held a job outside the home. I wouldn't know how to punch a time clock or fill out a time card or expense sheet. I did in-home infant care for 27 years and loved every minute of it! But boy I could sure tell which parents needed to go to work in an office, store, hospital or drive a truck for hundreds of miles everyday. They were better off doing those jobs than being the full time stay at home M. or dad. The kids turned out just fine and everyone was happy. We all do what we can and need to do. And we should all realize that at any given moment, our goals and needs may change. You may find someday that you need to be the M. at home but until then, be happy in your job, and know that you are helping your nanny to support her family too! If you don't work, she doesn't work. I bet she is real glad you have a job! (o:

No need to defend yourself. There is nothing wrong with working because you have to or want to. My sister watched my kids until my youngest was 3, so for 4 years. Luckily I had family that was able to help. Now my youngest, almost 4 year old, is in a home daycare and thriving in so many ways! He loves going there and could not be happier. Right now I have a job, but am able to work from home when I want to, so if he wants to stay home, sometimes we do. Not always, but sometimes. I'd still just tell them that money is not a problem and it's your choice. Or if they'd like to help pay bills then they can have a say in your finances, otherwise, butt out.

I agree it is no ones business. They are just ignorant.

I am surprised they are not supportive. I grew up where all of our moms had to work, In our neighborhood half of the moms worked when our children were really young too. That is where we had our health insurance.

Just smile and say," I am saving up for her future AND helping the economy.
She is very happy and so am I. "

That sounds like a pry into your wages. If you weren't making a lot of money they would probably not ask a mother who is alone, suffering and trying to get child support, so why else would they ask you.
Do they think you have some other form of support (I guess from this that perhaps your husband could support you)> Tell them you will gladly permit them to pay your bills, but in the meantime it is up to you-bundles of money or not. What nerve I might add.

Updated

You could say, 'oh are you offering to pay my bills?'

It's none of their business. Even if you didn't make enough to have much of a profit, you are investing in your future, building years of experience, a good resume and or portfolio depending on the nature of your work.

I started several things through the years. But I stayed with my daycare. I am a caregiver. I LOATHE being called a babysitter. I'm so much more than that. At any rate... I'm 44 years old. If I decided to close my business and go back to the work fields I have visited in the past, I'd have to start from scratch. My years as a business owner pull just about ZERO weight in an interview and look very unimpressive on a job application or resume. It would be hard to compete with 20 year olds making the same money as them when I've been my own boss for the last 25 years.

So if you really feel you need to tell them why you work, then tell them you are building your life because you know that the children will grow up all too fast and leave you. Tell them you don't want to be building your life at the same time they are building theirs.

I love doing what I do. But the truth is, the so called formative years really aren't all that. Most people barely remember the first 5 years of their life. If they are not abused or hurt in any way, they will forget all about it and maybe not even remember their early providers. If they have a wonderful provider, they may remember her. But the parents STILL have the biggest influence on a child. I know from intimate experience that I can be with the children way more hours than the parents, bust my hump to teach them certain habits and behaviors, and still they will bring in new behaviors and ideas and habits from home.

In an ideal world the provider is your partner. You will communicate fully and cooperate to provide similar experiences and rules no matter where the child is at or who they are with. You will work on goals that both of you approve of. It's very sad to me that the world feels so put down when it comes to paying a provider to partner with them and help raise their child.

It's not YOUR attitude that needs to be fixed. It's the people asking you these stupid questions :)

Ouch, that must kind of sting. Listen, I'm a SAHM and it is not for everyone. I have a lot of friends that work and we all just have to be happy with our decisions and help each other out. I really don't think you have to explain yourself but I do understand that you do need to speak up. Simply tell them that they need to respect your decision and obviously they don't know how much you make. period.

Why do you have to say anything? You don't need to defend your choices to anyone. I would just stare at them with a blank expression on my face and not say a word. Let them feel the awkwardness that they caused with their boorishness.

Then smile and change the subject.

"In my own way I am helping with the huge unemployment problem, I am employing someone".

I think that such a rude comment probably requires a terse reply. I would say something along the lines of "If you had any idea of what I earn with my CAREER, then you wouldn't say that" Honestly, I hate it that some folks can't mind their own damn business!!!

It's no-one else's business, but people love to be nosy! If anyone comments just say that you and your husband have worked it out but you thank them for their concern! If they try again, say the same thing and move on. It's like moms are always getting harped on whether we work or stay home, it's not their concern, put em' in their place :D

If so, my nanny should be able to afford an ivy league education for her 7 kids :). Or, I am working because I find it rewarding (intellectually and financially) and my child will find a sane mother rewarding. I want to set an example for my child that women are equal and contributing members of a civil society as well as contributors to the home. Maybe - why don't you see if my husband wants to stay home with the baby. Or, a simple mind your own business.

You've gotten some good responses. I would maybe say something like, "well, if that's all I was doing, then I wouldn't do it!" and just laugh it off... People can be so nosy and judgmental, and even jealous. Try to not let it get to you. You're a great Mom doing the best thing for YOUR family. Kudos to you :)

Hi,

I worked full time to and we had a nanny. Now I am laid off and trying to see if I like staying at home or decide to go back to work.

People would say "I wouldn't want someone else raising my kids". My response was a polite "I love being a mother and my work gives me fulfilllment in a different way, it makes me a better mother and wife". "We like living a certain lifestyle and we planned that I would continue to work when we got married" "As women why don't we support each other? Its not stay at home mom vs. working mom, we are all women."

Don't mind those relatives or friends, you have to be the best wfe, mom, and worker, if you are happy then that is what matters.

Really, it's your decision. Think of a witty or cool comeback and don't feel defensive.

Here are a few off the top of my head:

"We are SO lucky to have 'Jane', I'd take a second job if I had to! She's amazing and the kids love her."

"I just feel so blessed to be able to employ someone while being employed myself. It's a great symbiosis in today's economy!"

"Hah! I could no sooner get rid of 'Jane' than my husband could get rid of me! She's my right-hand woman and the kids are blessed to have three caring and capable adults looking out for their best interest."

"Isn't it funny? When women first went to work, society thought they should stay at home. Then they went to work, and opinions changed and people thought women who stayed at home should go to work. Now it's come full circle! It's hard to stay ahead of the curve!"

"That's not true! I *also* pay for piano lessons!" or "I *also* pay for our vacation to (insert fancy vacation destinantion here)" or "I *also* pay to keep the gov't in business with all the taxes we pay on two incomes! Someone has to repay the national debt!"

Sounds like jealousy to me. People like to put others down to elivate their own self esteem. I wouldn't even dignify their comments with a response. As long as it works for you and your family, those people can just buggar off!

Tell them that you are providing a job to an American in this tough economy. You are doing your part, what are they doing? Some people are just crass. It may make you feel uncomfortable but tell them you could afford 4 nannies and still eat out. That will shut them up.

Maybe you should respond to your friends and family by saying, "So are you willing to watch my kiddos so I don't have to pay anyone?" Maybe this will stop them in their tracks and maybe, just maybe, you will get a positive outcome. Imagine how nice it would be if one of your family members could watch your baby without having to pay them and that is more money saved for you and your child. Think about it...

Oh don't you love how quickly people judge? Its funny because if they really thought you were working to pay the nanny or had troubles caring or not caring for your child, you don't hear them offering help- just unsolicited advice lol

Since you aren't comfortable talking about the money- and who is?! I would smile and say, "Thanks for your opinion, but we have it under control."

Short and sweet. because anything more will open more for a conversation that isn't worth having. How do you change opinions that have already been MISinformed? :)

Kudos to you for doing what you enjoy- HAPPY M.= HAPPY KIDS and providing excellent care for your children while you're away.

Take care!

Wow I can't believe some people can be so judgmental. Without offering too much info on how much you make you could just be truthful and say that financially you're doing fine. If you have a career you love, stick that in there too. Or you could tell them politely to mind their own business!

I have a snippy friend that makes snide comments like that. I tell her "most of us don't have the luxury of staying at home. We don't." I'm fortunate in that I can work part time, but with the recession it's been a struggle to make my hours and then make ends meet when the work doesn't show up. I'm going to try to go full time at least over the summer so that I don't have to be stressed about money all the time. My husband doesn't make enough to cover all our bills, even without day care, so it really isn't a choice.
Oh, and that same snippy friend used to say, "if you can't stay home with your kids you shouldn't have them." Well, you know what? She had a kid on her own, and she has to work full time, and put her baby with a sitter. Now she understands that some people have the luxury of choice, and some don't.
And you know what? If you do have the luxury of choice, and you still choose to work, that's fine too. You get to pick what works for your family.
In my moms' group there are families with two parents working full time, ones with one parent working full time and one working part time, and ones with stay at home parents (one is a SAHDad), and ALL THE KIDS ARE FINE.

When we adopted our first, it had never occurred to me that I wanted to be a SAHM. I had watched, over the years, the SAHM's coming and going and remember wondering- what do they do during the day... I knew that I could NEVER be one of "them"! When I saw his precious face, there was no question. We knew, from that moment, even though financially it would be a struggle, I would end my career and become a full time mom. I have never looked back. I have been the best (and worst-LOL) mom I can be and I have enjoyed every minute of it.

Some of my friends have chosen to continue their careers after becoming a mom and they have never looked back, and guess what! They, too, have been the best (and worst-LOL) mom's they can be.

Being a mom is not about the quantity of time but the quality of time. If you're an exhausted wreck when you come home and they become your target, then maybe it's not working out. Then again, I stay at home and sometimes, by the end of the day, I'm an exhausted wreck and they've become my target. Hmmmm... LOL

You've chosen to do what works best for you and your family. Being a working mom is not going to damage your child. I know some great mom's out there that have full-time jobs, some being the bread winner of the family and they are still great moms!

You might handle it in a sweet-but-to-the-point comment "I choose to work because it makes me a better mommy.". You need not explain it any further. If they keep on, poke them in the eye and tell them it's none of their business! j/k

=)

Don't say anything.I get asked if i'm going to return to work after all the kiddos are in school FT (probbaly not) all I say is i'm not there yet & me not working is just fine for my family the kids need their M. i'm there for all their boo boo's,their talks,their firsts,everything I would hate knowing i'm paying someone to do this for me

When we started the process to adopt son #2 from another country, we learned a phrase that can be useful in many OTHER situations:

"We are doing what is right for our family."

If you really MUST respond to people, that's a good one. Good luck!

I'm a christian and try to be nice to people but I agree with Candi. Sometimes you just have to tell people to piss off.

First of all, you should never feel forced to defend yourself against someone else's foolish, uninformed comments. If someone wants to come to you and inquire, then maybe you can think about how to answer those questions. That's what people who really give a damn do. You have no time to respond to everything that people might rumble and mumble about you, so why listen to even a little bit of it?

Secondly, you owe them no explanation for how you choose to take care of your household.

It is rude and grotesque how some people want to know how much money you are making. I think a good response would be "That would be crazy if I were working just to pay the sitter!" I am personally sick of rude, overbearing, interferring people and done explaining.

Just tell then that while you LOVE being a mom, your job is what you to just for you. You obviously enjoy it! Every mom has that one thing they do just for themselves. You can tell family and friends that you love your job and it is the one thing that you do just for you.

You should say, "I'm not going to discuss my salary with you, but I make more money than you probably think. After I pay my nanny, I still have a lot of money from my paycheck, so it is financially worth it. It is immportant for me to make my own money, plus I love my job and the adult interaction that comes with it. My income helps provide for my family, and we get to do nicer things because of it. Everything I do is for my child. I have a very good paying job and I don't want to give it up. I would never work just to give my entire paycheck to my nanny - that doesn't make sense - please give me some credit!! Again, I make more money than you think I do and it is definately financially worth it!" You can also add (depending how angry you are at the moment), "In the future, please mind your own business - I know what I am doing!" That will shut them up!!!

There will always be people questioning and commenting on how they think you should live your life. You do not have to explain yourself. Never do. If you start - there are more questions. You can look at them and say: “How sad you do not understand…”
My friend’s husband once commented that I stay home and have a nanny. “What do you do all day?” he said. His wife snapped at him before I has a chance to open my mouth: “She spends quality time with each kid instead of breaking their fights all day, looks for educational opportunities for her kids, reads parenting books, supervises her kids, talks and laughs and plays with them, and may be has a minute to herself that helps her smile when her husband rolls in the door instead of snapping at him, you fool!”
If a stranger asks you this question, you can ask them: “You feel you have the right to ask me such deeply personal question because…” If it is family bothering you, you can tell them:”I appreciate your concerns for the well being of my child; however I do what works for me and my family and would appreciate if you respected that”. If they say: “But, why?” You can answer as I said in the beginning: “How sad you do not understand…” or “I am sure if you really thought about it – you will understand”. Do not explain further – people who do not understand are not on your side anyway, why open your soul to them?

Be clear with them that you enjoy your work and make good money, and that if they are under the impression that you are pining away to be home with your baby or that you're not making a profit after paying the sitter, that they are sadly mistaken about their assumptions of your circumstances and that the subject is closed. Do not defend yourself, you should not be attacked or judged by others who preferred to be home with their kids, felt guilty for working or didn't make the money that you do. They probably feel that you are judging them by choosing something different, but that is their problem and they need to get over it.

I would just tell them that my finances are none of their business, and if that didn't work, I would ask them about ALL of their finances. That should shut them up.

It's kinda ironic that those Mommas who really WANT to be SAHMs are usually those forced to work or their family is in poverty while those who don't really need to work go to work and generally don't have much take home pay after paying the daycare/Nanny are privileged enough to be SAHMs if they wanted to... just an observation.

If you are truly making a lot more money take home after you pay the Nanny - good for you. Just tell them that it's not an issue and you are happy with your salary.

.

Just say it works for us.

The baby is very happy and has no problems and I love my job just not ready to give it up.

keep telling them how you love your job and it is hard to quit.
leave it at that.