How Often Is Too Often?

We almost never argue. Doesn't mean we're perfect. Doesn't mean we don't disagree. Doesn't mean we don't have frustrations, annoyances, etc. Those things happen, but not often. We aren't arguers.

Arguing becomes a problem, when that's all you do. If you never reach a solution. You can't have a discussion. When you ask if it's a problem, it almost always is.

I guess I'd be more concerned about HOW you are fighting, than how OFTEN you are fighting. Healthy, constructive arguments are normal, but I'll face facts, most people don't fight that way (hubby and I rarely do).

I'd suggest you go to a marriage counselor to find a more constructive way to 'fight'. Usually, lots of fighting indicates that you are not getting issues resolved, which means you arent' communicating with each other effectively. Find out how to communicate, fighting ends. Problem solved.

Most importantly, don't give up. There's help out there. :)

We agree on almost everything when it comes to the big stuff. We have minor disagreements on other things every once in a while... that's all normal and we get through it quickly and without stress. We got all that sorted out of the way before we got married and had kids.

I don't know what too often is to define it as a major problem, I suppose it depends on how you treat each other and what the issues are. Many people who have differing views can still make a marriage work, so long as they are respectful and compromising about each other's opinions. There are very healthy ways to disagree.

It's too often when you start asking "how often is too often".

We've been married almost 39 years and seldom argue anymore.

Our first arguement was over how many kids to have. I wanted two. She wanted an even dozen. I'm very grateful I lost that arguement. I think it was because she watched too much TV. ;~)) She figured "Eight is Enough." (pun!)

Love, honor and cherish and COMPROMISE.

Good luck to you and yours.

1. We don't. We do discuss things and communicate.

Arguments usually occur to a lack of respectful communication. You might think you're communicating, but what you're actually doing is seeing the situation only in the way you want to see it. I recommend marital counseling. BEFORE you get to the point where you dislike one another. Consider it to be a class on how to communicate BETTER.

2. Arguing is a major problem in any relationship when resentment exists. At all. Resentment builds and builds. It won't get any better unless addressed.

prior to me figuring out that my birth control was making me crazy - constantly. I was always on edge and a basket case. Since I've leveled out my hormones and we went to counseling - a lot less. Rarely really - we bicker but full on fights aren't common like they used to be.

I see arguing and fighting as two different things. My husband and I argue a lot, but when we argue, we discuss our points of view and sometimes it does get heated. However, I can't tell you the last time we had a fight. Fighting to me is yelling to the point that you are no longer discussing the original issue, just yelling. Even when we fight, my husband and I have never call each other names or cursed at each other. I don't think it necessarily how often you argue before you realize there is a problem, but in how you argue. If you name call and be disrepectful, than there is a problem, even if you don't argue "often". If you are just trying to win the argument and not take into account your spouses feelings or point of view, there is a problem.

I married an argumentative man so we probably argue more than most. We have done counseling and it helped with our communication skills and also with developing a greater understanding of who we are as people/what we bring to the table/our biases/our viewpoints/etc.. We sought counseling when we realized we were tearing our relationship apart with unproductive argments and we were making ourselves and each other miserable. For us the arguing turned into a habit. We had forgotten how to interact like nice, loving people and that's a nasty habit to develop. It's also hard to break especially without any outside help.

We disagree once in a blue moon, we never argue.

I think there is a major problem when you hit the point where you suck down your anger rather than discuss a problem. At least in my experience that screams we have forgot how to communicate.

Hi K., I admire your asking hte question:
I write this from love and experience:
Every person and every couple is different.
i would perhaps ask you if you are comfortable with the dynamics of the relationship? If not, I would try to work on myself first and then the relationship. Does that make sense?

Moreover, I think it is also important how a couple fights -- fairly? do you speak calmly and discuss or yell? say mean things? curse? interrupt each other ? etc.... and to one person a discussion is a fight and to another a discussion is a discussion..

hope this helps.
jilly

We have some big issues that cause us to argue pretty good. Some have had me questioning the ability of us to stay together. But we love each other and are working on getting over those issues so we can get to where we are good.

I guess it really depends on the people. We're working on our communication though too.

My SO and I rarely "argue" we discuss, albeit sometimes a little heated but it rarely turns into an argument. My guess would be, if you're askig this question you probably argue too much.

Best wishes for less arguments.

I've been divorced 31 years. We rarely argued, I just subagated myself to my exes whims. It was a learned behavior, from my dad.
His Mom was an obsessive control freak. She was unnaturally attached to him and tried to control his eery thought. She also loved to tell everyone and anyone who would listen about how smart she was and how well read. She just knew everything. So.....
Tossing two people into a living together situation who simply were not ready was not an easy transition. You take two people with different tastes and ideas and toss them together in a home and sharing a room and you are going to get arguments.
He likes blue and you like yellow. You suggest he change a little something about his clothing style and he can't handle it or he hates the style of furniture you like and how do you resolve it?
It doesn't matter how often you argue ---- it matters how you argue and how you resolve it. If it always comes down to someone backing down then that person is not going to be happy. Or if one of you is name calling or always bringing up the past it won't end happy.
Compromise is the key.

Hubby & I are kinda odd... the more time we spend together the less time we spend fighting - lol. Most couples are to the opposite.

Lately we have only argued every few months... but I am not working & he is doing enough odd job to pay the bills. Some of which I can help him with - so I do or we go get the materials together.

Now we have had times where it seemed like everytime we saw eachother or got within 100 ft of eachother we would argue... and usually it was about the same old things. We had to work hard to work our way through those things and fine the right give & take to make us both happy and yet not like we were giving up the world. But we have managed to get through it and our relationship is stronger in the end.

We have been married for 17 1/2 years now & are still hoping for the rest of our lives.

hardly ever now and we've been married almost 13 years

Hardly ever. Honestly, we are both way to laid back to care enough about little things to argue about it. We see eye to eye on most major issues, and the little stuff....eh...not that important.

U n him still have the jealous thing to others u n him need to stop stop stop breath you n him need a night to where u without starting a fight take the stand n say this that get it off ur chest. Than he needs to do the same with u n than u n him need to find the peace your so busy your arguing over spilt milk n ur going to ruin ur relationship over business. U need a night out once a month by yourselves movie n dinner, just a dinner, or just a movie bowling night something just u n him even if it's just u n him doing something out of the house by yourselves no kids. You two deserve it n need it everyone does. Even if it's a vacation night to a hotel. Just you n him. U need to get off ur high horse n he needs to give u a break. When u have your this n that talk explain to him without starting a fight how much ur too busy n don't have time to tell him sometimes till the next day doesnot mean ur holding out. But ur just two busy n forget. Than explain ur not perfect n he needs to know ur not going anywhere. Plus that's another thing do u two show effection? Kiss each other no matter if ur busy or not kiss he can slap the bumb or you can show effection hug each other. Sometimes a hug is good reassurance. Kids get a kick to see mon n dad love each other. My kids tell me that there friends parents never show effection n want to know why we'll if you love someone tell it show it. Now I'm not saying have sex in front of them but a kiss a hug a I love u is good. It shows them its ok to show effection good luck!

I agree with other people who say its not how much but how you argue that matters. Also if its an ongoing issue or J. little ones. Also what type of personality are you both?
I was with my ex 14 years- after the first few years of dating we NEVER argued. He lied to make it look like he always agreed with M. because he didnt want to deal with arguing.
My boyfriend and I didn't argue until we moved in together and gosh now it's like once a week, but its nothing that isn't over at the end of the argument. Not an ongiong issue. I see the frequency dwindling down now. I think in the begining its often more. We're getting used to eachother and finding eachothers comfort levels and so on. We're learning how to communicate better. I think most of our arguments have been miscommunicatios for the most part.

The last argument we had was in January. We bicker every once in a while. I will also say that stress in our relationship makes things much worse. When my son was an infant, and my husband had just started his own business we were both under ALOT of stress - we were in trouble financially, sleep deprived, and taking care of a collicky, constantly screaming baby.

We argued ALOT during that period of time but as those stressors got under control the arguing went away.

I feel really happy that we made it through that rough patch and feel really proud of my husband and myself. I think our relationship is really good, and feel like I have married an excellent man.

My marriage is still young, (just nearly 3 years) but we have definitely had spots where it seems like all we do is argue! My suggestion is to have a date night once a week. This has helped so much. We do it every Saturday and we reconnect. We stay at home and watch a movie that one of us chooses, and the other cooks, it switches every week. Wake up the day of your date and promise yourself you won't argue. It takes two to argue ya know? If you put on a happy face and show him love all day, and just focus on it once a week, it will continue all week long. good luck!

We've probably had 3 arguements in the 5 years we've been together. We rarely raise our voices but more try to hear each other out and compromise. If it ends up that there really isn't a compromise, then one of us will say "lets just agree to disagree" and end it there. This is our second marriage each and we learned greatly from our first marriages and how to do better in our next relationships, and we have. I think you have to have an understanding of each other and the same goals in life. The fact that you are arguing and its an issue should be enough to know there is a "major problem" in your relationship. Good luck.

I'd say about once or twice a month. We don't fight though, just disagree on things sometimes and we are both very stubborn. But it's always solved soon after

I think what I'm reading is that you need to chill out and quit being childish in bombarding him. HE needs to chill out and put on big boy pants.

Find ways to improve. When you learn something that might be of his interest, text him while you're remembering it. Problem solved. Sticky note at best!

But if you're both barking at each other too often, time to sit down and evaluate your frustrations and needs. Is this the end of the line based on lousy communication ? Do you want it to end or improve?