I will try to make this as short as possible. My husband an I have a blended family, a Nine year old boy(his) Seventeen year old girl and Eighteen year old boy (mine). My husband and I have been together just over four years and prior to that he had his son 70% of the time and his ex-wife 30%. My husbands ex-wife moved out of state over three years ago to pursue schooling and her dreams of becoming a doctor. We have had my stepson 99% of the time since. We moved to the same state she moved to over two years ago so he could have a relationship with her as well. To make a really long story shorter, the first year we moved close to her she would take him for a couple of hours on a Saturday or Sunday every other week because she didn't want to upset her roommate (her sister). She finally got her own place and started taking him every other weekend. Recently my husband received an amazing job opportunity (he was unemployed), unfortunately it was back in the state we moved from. Both of my children are graduating this year and we are in a lease so we decided we will all move back after graduation this June. I just figured my stepson would stay here but his mom wanted to take him until June. My husband and I knew it would be extremely difficult for her because she works and he would be in daycare before and after school, have to change schools and she doesn't seem to spend quality time with him when she has him. I offered to have him stay here Monday after school to Friday and go to her house every Friday through Monday morning, she said no. She took him full time starting the end of September. I call him a couple of times a week and don't receive return phone calls. I took him when he was sick (he wasn't sick just doesn't like his new school). We have had him at least six times since when my husband is here. My husband is now saying I should pick him up for the weekends and call him numerous times a week because he doesn't like his school or teacher and his mom doesn't take him anywhere and do anything with him. I explained to my husband I have done everything I can, HE IS WITH HIS MOTHER and this is what they both wanted. I am a child of divorce and have numerous friends that are children of divorce and none of us remember getting calls from our step-parent other than on birthdays and holidays. How often do you call your stepchild? Am I not seeing something?
More info- Yes, my husband is the only one that moved because it's an intense training program that lasts a year. No, we willingly didn't give up custody. We begged for him to stay here in his house, school, with his friends but his ex wouldn't allow it. She also said she wouldn't let him move out of state with only my husband because he was going to be in training and she didn't want him to be in day care everyday (he is in daycare everyday with her) She is his mother and wanted to try and raise him and I don't have legal rights. Six months prior to my husbands job opportunity my husbands ex-wife started telling my stepson he didn't have to listen to me or talk to me and I didn't have the right to parent him in any way and I am only a caregiver. We started counseling two years ago and still continue to go. We talked to the counselor (everyone) and she agreed he should stay with me where it is stable for him but his mother wouldn't allow it. My stepson had been wanting to go live with her for six months prior to the job opportunity and treated me like a piece of dirt most of the time. The counselor suggested we allow him to go with his mother because SHE is his mother and he wants to go. That is how we approached it. When he asked if he could live with his mom we sat him down and discussed it in counseling. He was always aware it was because he and his mother wanted to do this and it was never about dropping him for a job. He was thrilled because this is what he and his mom wanted. This is a child I love as much as my other children but his mother wanted to have him till June when we ALL move.This is his mother not a stranger. We had him for two weeks at Christmas and at least six other three to four day weekends, he also spend a week alone with his dad out of state. Since moving with his mom he has not attended counseling as promised because she doesn't feel they needs it (I cant make her). I call him at least three times a week with no response. I hope this helps... Back to my initial question... How many times a week do you call your stepchild?
How often you call him depends on how often you want to call him and how often he wants you to call him.
I have three stepkids. When they were growing up, I phoned them as much (sometimes more) than their dad did. They're all grown now, their dad and I have been divorced for over a decade, and I still communicate with them more than he does.
You are being put in a "damed if you do, damed if you don't" situation.
So the bio mom will not allow son to live with bio dad until you are back in the house to care for him. She has brainwasher her son into thinking you are a server and have no right to parent him.
I always hear about people feeling so sorry for kids from divorced parents. These kids still need discipline and need to know, yes the people paying your overhead are the boss of you. This sounds harsh, but how often to these kids turn into teens and say 'you are not the boss of me' to the person paying for the roof over their head. The teens who live with bio parents quickly hear "Oh, yes I am." If a step parent spoke back, this society acts crazy.
I would continue the counseling. It seems the goal it to move him back with his dad in June. You will then become the main caregiver. It will be impossible for you to be a caregiver who can not discipline (even a nanny needs to discipline).
Regardless of the number of times you call, the bio mother can not have her cake and eat it too. She can not send her son of with you and say he does not need to listen to you.
Anyway, are you too busy to take him out to events? Do you not want to spend time with him? Heck, take advantage of being the disneyland parent. Take him to baseball games and live it up. Let him return to the discipline bio mom who needs to make sure his school projects are completed, he is in bed on time, at school on time, searches the house for a well balanced meal for breakfast and lunch each morning.
When my SD lived with her mother...never. That was my husband's role. However, he also lived with me and was the parent who would pick her up on weekends, bring her to our house, and drop her off. My role was very intentionally marginalized.
I think that in your situation, things are different in that he did live with you for so long already and you are basically there acting as your husband's surrogate while he is out of state, so in his eyes, it makes sense for you to do everything that he would be doing if he were there. So yes, I think it's appropriate that if he's open to it, you continue to act as you would if your husband was there and you didn't have primary custody, which means weekend visitations, going to school events, helping out with activities if you can, etc.
It's an unusual situation where the regular roles of step-parents don't really fit. I know that if my husband were out of the picture for some reason and my SD went to live with her mom, I would be much more involved now than I was the first time she lived with her. Like your husband's ex, my SD's mother is not really equipped for motherhood and doesn't have the time or resources for activities, etc. so that's probably what I would end up doing.
At the end of the day, it's about giving the boy the best life he has regardless of where he lives. If you have the time and resources to do more and be more involved, then do so. Of course he may have decided to be with his mom (he's 9) but that doesn't mean that he should suffer more than he has to because your husband took on this opportunity. It's a lousy situation all around. Try to make the best of it.
Your HUSBAND is the father and he needs to be the driver on this. HE needs to work out the visitation schedule with his ex. And HE should call his son several times a week, if he thinks that this is necessary. This is his child. Yes, he's in an intensive training program. But surely he can make some time for some phone calls.
As for the weekends, I think that the generous thing to do is to have him over on weekends, and to be a loving role model for this child - taking him as much as possible, talking to him about any troubles he has at his new school, etc. Because he is only a child and that is the kind thing to do.
BUT your husband has to work out this schedule with his child's mother. It's clear that you have already offered this, and the child's mother told you no. The ONLY way around this is for your husband to step up and talk to her.
Is it really such a huge inconvenience to call your stepson to let him know that you care? To love on him on some weekends?
You're his "other mother." Who cares what everyone else does? Do the right thing.
Although I am not divorced and have no steps kids. It comes across that you geniunely love this little boy. It sounds like e needs a mother figure in his corner. I would call him. Tell him you miss him and you can t wait to see him.
Poor kid he is dealing with his own feelings. He doesn't probably understand why his mom is not very intentive.
Let her mother her son. You mother your two. Let the son have visitation with you, not move in full time.
When my stepkids were age 9 I did not call them at all. Their mother would not have allowed it. She did everything she could to keep their dad and I away from them. They did stay with us for one weekend a month and several weeks in the summer (lived in different states). They moved in with us full-time when they were 16 & 14 by their choice. Now, my stepdaughter (age 29) calls me almost every day, and my stepson (31) calls me about once a week.
I may be reading this wrong... but you and your husband willingly gave up custody of a child who had lived with you full time for three years? You did this because your husband got a new job and... here's where I get confused. Did only your husband move? If so, you're in the same town with your nine year old step son and you don't see him regularly?
Either way... are you sure your stepson doesn't feel like you (and his dad) have abandoned him? This could be the reason why he doesn't return your calls. How often does his father see him? He's a small child still... his father is no longer there and he no longer lives with the mother figure he's known since he has had conscious memory. Of course he hates his new routine and school. Can your husband intervene and help this poor boy? At the very least get him some counseling! What's the plan for June? Will you and your children move while your step son remains with his mother?
