How Do You Mom's Deal with It?

He is at thephase where he pushes his boundaries and investigates cause and effect. It actually has nothing to do with you or his emotions for you. You have to remember, he doesn't have the mental capabilty to understand what it means to inflict pain or not to because of empathy. But you do need to discipline him, because he will first hit/bite/reject you, and then hit/bite/reject other children that might annoy him or have a toy he wants.

Just know that they always treat the person they love the most, the worst. Ditto the person that they KNOW loves them the most and will love them no matter what they do. That's YOU.

Hi L.,

I know it's tough when they get so upset and can't describe their feelings. My son didn't say many words until your sons age and that's really tough. I taught him some sign language and that seemed to help. Also, when he gets mad I try to distract him, tickle him, laugh, anything to lighten the mood. Doesn't always work.

Don't let him get away with hitting you. Let him understand right away it's not right.

You mentioned he took a 3 hour nap? Is that typical for him? Maybe he is coming down with something and wasn't feeling well.

He doesn't hate you. You just have to remember that toddlers have bad days too. We have times when we want to be alone, don't we?

Hang in there! We're all going through it too :)

If you are upset by this behavior at 20 months, you're not going to like 3 or 13 much either...
Parenting isn't fun all the time. It's hard work.
And sometimes it's down right awful.
You're going to have to suck it up and help him to communicate his feelings. If he hits, you might say something like "Don't hit! Are you feeling angry?" If he pulls your hair, you might say something like, "That hurts! Are you feeling upset?" Tell him he needs to use his words and then give him those words.
Time outs are fine... Sometimes parents need time outs too.
I think I had some days where my oldest spent more time in the chair than anywhere else...
YMMV
LBC

.

you're gonna hate me b/c i don't have an answer b/c my 21 ms old has the same behaviors & i'm clueless as how to handle him...but when i read your last line, i just had to write you and send you a BIG HUG....i can just see your little mommy lip poking out & a tear rolling down your face...it's okay momma, it'll get better. bless your heart darling. :(

You poor thing! Don't be sad... He doesn't know what he's saying and doing. It won't make you feel any better, but my 11 year old daughter told me today that I'm a horrible mother, because I "let" her 6 month old brother chew on the ear of one of her stuffed animals! Ugh. LOL Trust that you are NOT deserving of such treatment, and tell him so. Be firm and he will learn. Smile at him and tell him you love him even though he hurt you. Good luck! :o)

Sounds like he is expressing his "independence". They like to do things by themselves and for themselves at that age. Maybe he just wants some alone time. Everyone wants some time to themselves some times. I have a 4 1/2 yr.old and a 16 1/2 month old. I too am a SAHM. Trust me, by the end of summer my 4 yr. old was ready to go back to preschool. It was mom 24/7 and he was getting sick of me. And I get that, but your son certainly doesn't hate you. He just wants some time/space for himself.

Firstly, I try to make sure that I have a reason for doing whatever I'm doing. If I can justify my actions in helping, removing, or insisting with a specific purpose, then I feel less susceptible to my daughter's emotional responses. It's a "mommy knows best" sort of thought process.

Secondly, I try to keep her development level in mind, and when I start to feel hurt, I bring it up quickly. "She's just two and wants to assert her independence." "She doesn't understand that this activity gets in the way of other people." "Of course she doesn't want a nap. If I had her energy, I wouldn't either." That way, I think of her responses in terms of her instead of in terms of me. It takes a while to build this habit, but it really does work.

Your son doesn't hate you but he is looking for you to set some boundaries. First of if the little guy is playing and not watching TV all by himself, rejoice!! Go do your thing. Next don't let that cute little fella bully you. No child in my house disrespects me and that is what your little guy is doing. You have to judge the circumstances there are times when I can joke around with my little ones and tickle the crabbies out, but here are times when my kids are being just pain rude and then there is consequences for that behavior. I do believe in a timeout or a swat, but I also use there things to pull them in line. I will take every toy or special item to make a child understand his behavior is not acceptable. Model what it is that you want him to do and then back it up with some consequences.

A little basic sign language might help you both. Him to express himself , you to know what he wants. Play dates help too, he might be needing more socialization .

i agree with you, it's hard not to get your feelings hurt. but the "good" news is, you're going to get used to having a little person who has emotions in his own right - babies love everyone and are generally pretty happy. if they are unhappy it's due to something impersonal, like being hungry or tired. now that he is getting into toddlerhood, he is developing opinions, and the unhappiness definitely gets personal. YOU told me no, therefore YOU are the problem. in his mind. it's a hard realization. but this is when you really become the parent. because now it's personal and you have to rise above those emotions, and do what is best for HIM- not what makes you feel warm and fuzzy. welcome to toddlerhood!

to answer your question, i would take these moments and teach him. when he starts getting po'd, ask him if he's sad or angry or whatever. make sure he doesn't think that's an excuse to act out. tell him he needs to tell you in words. and then give him an example. that's how he will learn to express himself successfully. also model correct reactions. "honey if you want the cup you don't scream, you ask mommy please." show him as soon as he is calm and respectful, then he gets what he wants. he may not have all the vocabulary yet but he will. and honestly, one of the "terrible two" hurdles is vocabulary.

Mom, you have to get over feeling that your little boy doesnt like you at times asap or you are in for a sad life ahead, It is your job to provide safety, good care, and love to your son and also to begin age appropriate discipline with him, not to be his good friend. There is nothing wrong with time outs especially if he is hitting you and hair pulling or being hurtfulo or mean to you or others. As for the reasoning behind it you are right, it is out of anger and frustration likely for the fact that he can't verbalize his feeling yet, but he needs to be taught now that acting this way is something that you don't like or allow. THe time outs should only be for a minute per year of age I have read but consistency with all caregivers is so important Mom. At other times when he is not mean or hurtful I would try to use other methods like redirection or just calmly sitting down and talking to him in very simple words so he understands. Be sure you are praising him when he is good each day too and providing lots of hugs too. I've been there and done that with the hurt feelings things and it's something you can't let bother you. Over time his comments it won't be so hurtful and hopefully will diminish if you take these steps, but know you are doing the right thing to raise a son who is respectfu. responsible for his actions and kind. It was actually harder for me when my daughter got in her tween years and becomes more independent and less reliant on you, then big hugs are less and less, but you get thru that too. Good luck Mom

At 20 mos old he is learning what his actions mean- he doesn't mean anything by hitting you or biting, he is just getting his bearings about him. We always redirect those behaviors to "loving hands"- we say "no hitting, use your hands in a loving way" as we take their hands and show them to pat or rub their hair or something. As they get older, we ask how they would feel if someone hit them- happy or sad, so we say we don't want to make people sad right?? There are improvements as they get older and are better able to communicate- however there are other challenges as they get older as well.

Kids also like to try out new behaviors to see what the reaction will be. They are testing to find out what the boundries are. Be consistant and even if he says he hates you, let him know you love him. "Mommy loves you, but doesn't like when you hit," for example.

Just be as consistant as possible. My 5 yr old pulled the I don't love you, then followed it with, you don't love me, either, and my brother doesn't love you. She was definitely mad at me for not letter her do something. Don't remember what it was, but it blew over and she did her time out.

It is their job to test the boundries and they do want to find that they are firm. This is how they know you do love them, even if they say or do otherwise.

You will learn to have a stiff upper lip and let the words roll off instead of bother you. They still bother me a bit, but I do really know they aren't true.

Good luck to you and stay strong and consistant.

I know it hurts when your child pushes you away or doesn't respond in a positive way to you. My grandson is the same way...and we try our very best not to let it hurt us. He is a bit older than your son..he will be 3 in Dec and he is very VERY verbal...so he is able to tell us EXACTLY what he is thinking...which sometimes isn't a good thing...lol. We spent several days with him at the end of our most recent vacation and we were getting ready to bid them farewell..in the parking lot of the zoo that we had visited ( in the RAIN!!! who would do that but grandparents...lol) He refused to kiss me or my husband goodbye and when I told him that I loved him, he looked at me and said "I don't love you". I knew that what he MEANT was " I don't like the fact that you are leaving"...but he expressed it in a different way.
You son is probably frustrated because he can't verbalize what he is feeling...and so it is coming out in his actions. You could help by talking with him about his feelings...."I know that you are feeling frustrated right now because you want to play with your trucks and we need to go to the store...how about I let you play for another 2 minutes and THEN we leave for the store". Empower him...give him some choices ( but don't give him a choice that you don't want him to pick!!!!). "Would you like to have pb&j or mac and cheese for lunch?" "Would you rather play outside or color here in the living room for a while?".
I Know you didn't ask about time outs...but I am not an advocate of them. Do you really think that this little bundle of energy sits in "time out" and thinks about what he did wrong and how he can do better the next time? No...he is simply getting more angry and more frustrated and he is wondering why his source of comfort and support (you) has been taken away from him !!! Could I suggest that you pick up a copy of "Playful Parenting" for some great ideas for redirecting his energy and frustration without increasing YOUR frustration??
Good luck to you...and don't feel like you are alone...what you are describing is SUCH typical toddler behavior!!

Your son does not hate you and never will as long as you teach him love. I think you are dealing with something deeper and you are looking to your son to fill that gap. You probably have a need to feel loved, appreciated, and so when the one person you adore in your life starts acting out, you get the feeling that he too doesn't like you. He needs you and is probably crying out for mommy to stop being so "weak" and give him boundaries. Start being firm without feeling guilty that you are hurting him. He needs to know that you are strong and can handle whatever you are going thru. When mommy is fine, you will be better able to handle his tantrums, need for attention, emotional outbursts and discipline him appropriately. Evaluate why he might be doing that - could be a host of different things, and apply the correct discipline or structure as you see fit. Sometimes it requires sleep, "time out" if that's your method, spanking if he is being rude, destructive, attention if he is feeling unloved, and some fresh air if he is suffocated in the house with you all day. All the best.

I have found a couple of resources that give me a much deeper understanding of "little-kid emotional functions." The parts of their brains that will eventually be able to apply logic (as in understanding the point of time-outs or other punishments) are only starting to mature. It will be a couple of years yet before they operate on very much more than pure emotion and impulse.

If you google Emotion Coaching, you'll see that there's a great deal that has been learned about how to get optimal behavior from children, and it has less to do with punishment and more to do with setting clear but reasonable expectations and learning when and how to empathize so the child doesn't feel so frustrated or thwarted. Here's one link, and there are many more: http://www.education.com/reference/article/important-pare...

Also the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by, John Gottman, is a wonderful compilation of this research, and includes the results of studies showing how much more effective this approach is in raising more emotionally resilient kids.

The other thing you might find fun and helpful is a series of YouTube videos featuring Dr. Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block. Google either the name or the title to watch this expert demonstrate how he wins over tantruming toddlers by totally empathizing for a minute or two, getting on the child's wavelength, and thus capturing their attention and distracting them away from their frustration.

I think you already realize it isn't helpful, for either you or your Little, to take his behavior personally. If you understand that a child just isn't capable of relating yet in the same way an adult could, you'll be able to just relax and be fascinated by his various stages. Be aware that being a small child, barely able to talk, is an exceedingly frustrating place to have to live. Children need us to be their understanding advocates.

By the way, there is nothing "pushover" or lenient about this approach. It requires attention, creativity, and often patience. But the results are terrific. My 4.5yo grandson is being raised on these principles. He's a kid, no doubt about it, and has his kid moments. Overall, he's amazingly polited, patient, and self-controlled for a child his age. Never been spanked, and almost never gets time outs.

Well, he has probably entering the terrible twos. But I also found that when children are about to grow physically they fall apart mentally. Their emotions are all over the place and mom, who is their safe place and will always love them no matter what, bears the brunt of their emotions. My childrens' growth cycle were about 6 months.

Make sure when you use the time outs that they are not too long--no more than 10 minutes at his age.

And biting is a big no, no. It should be extinguished as so as possible as it is culturally forbidden. All toddlers try it but you really need to stop it as as soon as possible.

And unfortunately his emotionally will probably increase through the next year. That is why they call it the terrible twos. There is no way through it, but to go through it.

Good luck.

Reading "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn really helped me. Time outs are probably something you want to avoid...read & you'll understand.

Time outs are not serious and won't damage your child's spyche. Spanking should be used as a last resort, but shoud be used to correct serious behavior problems. (Running out in the street, hitting a parent, etc)

You are not his friend. You are his parent. You can be his confidant, but you shouldn't be his friend. You should be his parent.

His behavior is part of what kids go through in finding out what are the boundries. You have to be firm in establishing those boundries. If you don't control him now he will make your life absolutely miserable when he's a teenager. You can research mampedia and see what problems moms are writing in about when they have older children with behavior problems because moms and dads didn't establish rules and require children to live by them.

You should teach all your children to respect you and your husband's position as parents.

Play dates should help. Having siblings will help, especially if they are close in age. BTW raising one child is the most difficult. Three was much easier than one, and 5 was a breeze compared to three.

Good luck to you and yours.

It sounds like your son is definitely expressing some strong feelings, which could be from a few different things - it may be anger directly towards you because of something you did or didn't let him do (your "structured" time may be a little too structured for him), or it may be related to his frustration about things he isn't able to do yet (like talk, use the potty) or things he doesn't have control over (like people coming and going or when he gets to do things), or it could be from being overstimulated or from something else that happened earlier in the day, or it might even be an expression of feelings from something in the past (even related to birth or his prenatal time). And it may be that he doesn't know why he's mad, and that's ok. It could even be that he is simply needing your full attention and presence, and he has discovered that hitting you definitely gets your attention. If that is the case, I would suggest playing with him more. I know it can be hard being the only one with him all day, it might help to get out more and be with other people, join a playgroup etc. But if it seems to be more than simply needing attention but is an actual expression of his strong anger or frustration, what he needs is for you to really hear him and empathize with his feelings. Even though he can't talk well yet, he understands a lot, so if you say something like you're really really mad, huh? he should be able to know that you get it. Harvey Karp's happiest toddler book and video might be helpful - it's important that you use simple words and say it with feeling so he knows you really get it. You can guess about the source of his anger - you're really mad because I wouldn't let you .... (whatever it is), or you really didn't like it when ....., you wanted something or somebody else.... etc., you get the idea. At the same time of course it's important not to let him hurt you or anyone else and to help him learn other ways to express his feelings, so you may have to hold him gently but firmly while he cries, continuing to be with him lovingly and empathizing with him. He needs a "time-in" rather than a "time-out" - these are the times when he really needs your presence rather than the abandonment of a time-out. You might try showing him how to hit pillows, which you can do with him, or even, if it seems possible at the moment, turning it into a playful game of throwing pillows at each other or at the bed. The main thing is to let him know that his feelings are ok, good, and important and that you want to hear about them, while also letting him know and showing him that there are better ways to express feelings than by hurting people. After you have empathized with him enough that he calms down and feels like you "get it," you can tell him how you feel, using I-messages and not in a way that blames him - such as, I really care about your feelings, but when you hit me it hurts me and I feel sad. You can also let him know that you get mad too, especially if you can give examples he can relate to, which can help him to know that his feelings are normal. You definitely don't want to give him the impression that there is something wrong with him for feeling the way he does. I'm not sure that the "use your words" strategy would work with him yet, since he's just starting to talk. I wouldn't think that he hits you because he is in any way "sick of" you - he may be tired of being in the house all day with just you for example, and just needs a change of scenery, to go outside, explore the natural world. The idea that children save their "worst behavior" for those they feel safest with is true in a sense, but I wouldn't call it "worst behavior" but rather see it as evidence that he feels safe eough with you to express his overwhelming feelings that he doesn't know what else to do with (which is good, since it shows that you and he are well attached, although it may not seem like a good thing at the time!). And, having said all this, of course your feelings are very important too, and I applaud you for reaching out and expessing them. I hope you have someone you can talk with about your feelings, so that you can feel better about yourself and be more able to be present for him when he is upset. You can even use the feelings that come up as an opportunity to explore and heal hurts from your own past. Our children are excellent at "pushing our buttons" - bringing up our hurts from our past, so that we can deal with and heal them and be better parents. Of course it always hurts when our children lash out at us, but it may hurt even more because of something in your past. A good book is Parenting from the Inside Out, to help you explore your issues and grow as a parent. Another thought - there could also be nutritional issues related to low blood sugar, chemical sensitivities, allergic reactions - does he eat any sugar or processed foods? If so, I'd eliminate them and focus on a diet of fresh organic foods. In the case you mentioned, it could be that his blood sugar was low from having such a long nap (especially if lunch included sweets or processed foods), and he really just needed some wholesome food. Being a parent involves a lot of detective work! But it sounds like you're doing a great job and just need some more support and ideas to help you get through the hard times. Some good websites you might want to check out (with lots of free info as well as calls, email newsletters, consultations etc) include consciouslyparenting.com, connectionparenting.com, beyondconsequences.com, awareparenting.com.