August 11, 2008,
K.S. asks from Salt Lake City, UT on August 04, 2008
How Do I Get Girl Time?
First off, let me say that I love my husband to death, and I know he absolutely loves me too. The problem is, he is a gamer. He gets with his guy buddies every other Friday night from about 6:30 or 7 in the evening, and last weekend he didn't come home until 2:30 in the morning! Before we even got married, I told him I am not his mom and I don't want him to feel like he has to ask my permission to go out with his friends. I still feel that way, and even told him this weekend that I am not his mom and I will not set a curfew for him. The thing is, he tells me that he just loses track of time when they are gaming, and doesn't realize how late/early it is until I call him. I decided to stop calling him, he needs to be a responsible adult! Anyway, there is half of the vent.
The other half is that even though we agreed a couple months ago that he would cut his gaming from every other week to once a month, I would get a girls night out once a month, and we would get a date night (no kids) at least once a month. This has not happened. Granted, July was super busy with trips and stuff, but still! I have not had a GNO since April or May. This is not okay with me! I feel like he gets his "alone time" but I don't. And while I realize that he works hard all day, and I know just how exhausting it is to come home to kids after 8 hours at work, I need him to understand that I need a break. I don't get breaks during the day! OK, I get a break while the kids are napping, but I need some time out of the house. I have started wondering if I should go back to work part time, just to get out!
Have any of you dealt with this, and how did you reach a compromise? The other thing I deal with is none of my friends are spontaneous, and can be flaky so even planning GNO is a pain, and the organization falls on me. I want someone else to be responsible and let me play!
Whew. Thanks in advance Ladies!
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Wow, thanks everyone for your support and input. I guess it boils down to communication and standing up for and expressing my needs instead of waiting for my husband and friends to anticipate them. I will definitely work on the little things with my husband to get him to pay more attention to time, and try to remember that this is part of being a wife, and not his mom. I will also try to do more on my own activities when my girl friends get flaky; I also really like the idea of rotating who plans things each month. In short, thank you thank you for so many ideas and so much support!
J.H. answers from Colorado Springs on August 05, 2008
I totally know how you feel! My husband is the same way!! He just doesn't get that I need time away too. Sometimes he doesnt get home until 3 or 4 am, and even when he stays home he doesn't come to bed with me... he's up playing late and half the time falls asleep on the sofa. I make him get up with the baby in the morning (6 or 7am) and sleep in. That's my "me time" since I don't really get to go out and I'm up all the time in the night feeding him still!
T.G. answers from Fort Collins on August 05, 2008
Tell him just like this. I lost a wonderful woman because we didn't discuss what we felt deep inside.
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K.C. answers from Philadelphia on August 04, 2008
I'm a SAHM of school aged kids, so once school starts, I'll get a break. However, for the last couple of weeks, they've been out of camp and home with me all day. It's absolutely exhausting. Your kids are still young so you don't even have the luxury of looking forward to when school starts. It's absolutely crucial for your well-being to take a break and have some girl time. It doesn't need to be with other girl friends, just getting out of the house by yourself to get coffee at the mall or get your nails done, something simple for a couple of hours each week or even every couple of weeks, where you're not in charge of the kids, is enough to recharge your batteries. If you're not getting any organized "off" time, at the very least, you should tell your husband "Honey, this Saturday, I'm going out from 11 to 3. You're going to have to watch the kids for me while I'm out". He'll welcome the opportunity to spend a few hours in your shoes - lol! Then do whatever you want during those hours - see a movie, go to the library, museum, there's so much to do, really enjoy yourself - like I did last weekend when my husband took the kids to the movies and I went make-up shopping! I love my kids and husband, but it's natural to want a break. I'm actually very lucky - every July, I go visit my sister and leave the hubby and kids behind for a week (he does have to call in reinforcements to help him - usually his mom comes). When I get back, they've missed me, I've missed them, it's a total lovefest! And I'm fully recharged and ready to be supermom again. Taking a break makes you a better mom - so go ahead and claim your break!
1 mom found this helpful
K.D. answers from Provo on August 05, 2008
Having been a gamer, let me tell you how EASY it is to lose track of time when you are playing. He's not making it up that he gets lost in the games. My brother and his friends play ALL WEEKEND (granted, none of them are married or in relationships :) To solve the problem of losing track of time, suggest to him that next time he goes gaming to set an appointment/alarm on his cell phone to remind him to come home at a certain time. And leave it at that. You are not being his mom when you do stuff like that -- you are communicating with him. If he sets the alarm and then ignores it, you could let him know that is being disrespectful of you because you care about him -- so you worry/can't sleep when he still isn't home around the time he told you he would be. That is something I had to work on with my husband but it was me communicating to him when I would be home. Not from gaming but when I was out with my friends or family. I would lose track of time. Now I call just to let him know that things are going a bit longer than planned so he'll know what's going on.
For girl time -- just plan it, with friends or without. Don't wait for permission. And get out of the house WITH your kids as much as you can -- playgroups, playgrounds, hikes, free attractions. If your husband is willing to take care of the kids then let him have exclusive daddy time with them.
I.G. answers from Boise on August 05, 2008
If you have to organize the night out with your friends anyway, why not just do it? Tell your husband "I'll be going out on...". He then has just to be home that night - even if he would go out every weekend himself, that still leaves a lot of nights for you to go... You could either put your kids to bed before you go or have him do it.
Same thing for the date night - find a babysitter, set a day, grab your hubby and go!
K.D. answers from Salt Lake City on August 04, 2008
I think most SAHMs feel this way. My husband is a golfer, so he tries to get out at least one day a week (whether it's before work or on the weekend) and I usually get out just once a month, if that. But the only way it's going to change is if you tell your husband how unhappy you are that he goes out every weekend and you maybe get out once a month. Why don't you plan a date night and then tell him that that night is set aside for you as a couple. Then plan a night out with your friends and let him know that date is taken, too. What about making plans with your friends for brunch on a weekend? Then if your husband stays late, he'll still have to get up to take care of the kids. Maybe then he'll keep better track of time.
As for not wanting to ask permission, that's good that you have that arrangement, but now that you have kids, you need to make sure that they are being taken care of, so it's best that you BOTH check with the other to make sure there aren't any scheduling conflicts. I have a friend who will make plans and then her husband will make plans on the same night and she tells him that it's HIS responsibility to find a sitter if he wants to go out and vice-versa if he makes plans first.
No one can do anything about your friends being flakey or not being spontaneous. That's just how some people are. I'm not sure where in the SL valley you are, but you should see if there is a MOMS Club in your area www.momsclub.com It's a group for SAHMs (I'm a member of my area's chapter) and once a month we plan a Moms Night Out (people take turns hosting or planning) and it's always one night I can count on for having fun with friends. Also, the group does week day activities to get you and your kids out of the house. Some activities are for the kids and some are for the moms. It's been a sanity saver for me!
I hope you find a way to get out more. SAHMs deserve time off, too.
L.H. answers from Denver on August 05, 2008
Have you thought about joining a mom/children playgroup? Mom's group's are great for getting you out and around other grown-ups during the day. Even though you will still have your kids with you much of the time, it's a nice break to talk with other women and when you are together as a group, the kids don't consume you quite as much. Most mom's groups also get together for after hours GNOs. Meetup.com has lots of mom's groups - look for a group that is close to home and has kids close the age of yours - sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right group, but it's well worth it when you find the right one.
I also suggest getting yourself out of the house a couple of times a week when your husband is home to go shopping, go the gym, take a class, whatever. . Just something to get a little time alone and also give him a chance to deal with the challenges of having the kids. Even if you just take an hour or two here or there, you will feel much better.
H.W. answers from Boise on August 05, 2008
Tell him (nicely) again. If there's anything I've learned from my husband is that you must repeat yourself SEVERAL times. Sometimes, he may not be in a place to really hear what you are saying, but by saying it a few times he's bound to catch it once. I don't mean to sound degrading in any way, it's just that I belive firmly that "men are from mars and women are from venus" (excellent book by the way, I highly reccomend it). They don't remember from just one converstation. Also, maybe plan some thing yourself. Let him know what is going on. We all totally understand where you are. Don't worry, it gets MUCH better!
M.S. answers from Boise on August 05, 2008
Hey I know exactly how you feel. What I do is take off to one of my girlfriends houses once a week, after dinner and the kids are headed to bed, it gives me about 3 hours of time away from kids. We don't plan outings, we just hang out and if we decide we want to go somewhere, then we go out, otherwise we stay there, talk, play games, sew, etc. (being a former teacher) Staying home with your kids is the best thing you can do for them. It is tough because you feel like you are in the house all the time and by yourself, but I have gotten to the point where I take my kids out with me. We go to the park, have picnic lunches, etc. I have a 4 year old and 22 month b/g twins, it might get exhausting, but they have a ton of fun, and I'm out of the house. Good Luck:)
A. answers from Denver on August 05, 2008
you are a stay at home mom. there is nothing keeping you from making phone calls, setting up a date with your friends, then being ready to go the moment your husband gets home. all day long you'll be talking to your children, 'mommy's going to play with her friends this evening and you get to play with daddy!'
he can't leave if you are not home to babysit. if you wait for him to give up his play time you may be waiting forever. just take it. you deserve a break too. once he experiences your daily (nightly) life, he will likely understand what you've been saying all along.