How Can I Make Sense of This Workplace Weirdness?

Not every work place is very family friendly.
Many really resent employees having any sort of a personal life.
If you were going to die they'd still want 6 weeks notice and you'd better train your replacement before you kick the bucket (I'm kidding! - but not by much).

'Friendly' is a nice to have at the office but it's not a requirement and I've worked with plenty of people I'd never call 'friends'.
Different work places can have vastly different work atmospheres.
Some are better and some are a lot worse.
Look for another job where you have a better fit - it may take awhile to find one but you'll know it when it feels right.

I think this is very weird. I also don't understand these people. I would look for another job. I think I might've started looking after the first month. I suggest it's illegal for him to not give you a copy of your contract as well as to ask your age. He cannot expect you to give personal information, such as marriage, that does not affect your work. Telling him at 6 months that you'll be taking maternity leave gives him plenty of time to arrange a replacement. The comments from your fellow employees are certainly rude and disrespectful.

I suggest it is impossible to make sense of this.

Interesting that everyone takes this first question at face value. Especially since this "question" sound exactly like the odd string of questions we got last year. Your marriage actually is work related. Although you do not have to change your withholding status most do because married filing jointly lowers your tax liability. More than that you must add your spouse to your 401k or any other retirement plans, that is the law and most spouses want access to that money if anything happened to you.

So pretty much I am saying you are that same drama queen that posted last year and you have a new summer break and want to change up the story a bit and have another summer of fun.

People do not act like you claim to act any more than employers act the way you claim they do.

ETA: Julie - thanks for bringing that up. This sounded familiar.

Is this the mom who was using the name Zara before? If not - please don't mind me. We just had a mom who had a very similar situation with a weird manager, baby, etc.

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/5294514828436897793

"How can I make sense of my manager's behavior?"

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Sometimes you can't make sense of weirdness. The key is to not waste time trying to. You get to a point where it's just odd and you decide that it's not for you.

It's like weird people. You're not going to change their opinion of you. You're not going to change them.

Time to move on. This does not sound like a supportive work environment.

If you have to stay because you're pregnant and it would not be easy to find new employment, just stay and then look for work elsewhere when you can.

You don't have to be friends with your boss or your co-workers. In fact, oftentimes it's better not to be. Friendly yes. Respected by your boss and co-workers is what is required. To have a healthy work life. Next time, if you don't feel respected in the interview stage, move on.

Best to you :)

Don't try to "make sense" of other people's behavior. You used that phrase last year when you complained about previous jobs (by the way, I thought you quit the job you had when you get married and had ÿour first child).

You're not trying to "make sense" of their behavior. That implies that you are trying to understand them and trying to see things from their perspective. That's not really what you're trying to do. The question you are really asking is, "How do I get my boss and coworkers to behave the way I think they should behave?"

The short answer is, you don't. You can't make people do things. The only person you can control is you. Let them behave anyway they want. If you don't like it, star looking for another job.

It sounds like this is not a good fit for you. I think you should look for another job.

While you have no obligation to share the news of your marriage, I do find it rather odd that you wouldn't tell your coworkers. If I were you I would be asking myself what I could do differently to build a rapport with my co-workers since the issues are not just with your boss but with everyone in the office.

WHAT THE WHAT???

Find a new job.
Leave this one behind.
Learn from it. Don't dwell on it.

Don't EVER accept another position where you don't hit it off with your would-be manager. That was your first mistake. Learn from it. Don't do it again.

Listen to your gut. Look for another job. Be SURE you are secretive about it, though -- it's pretty clear that Dan, and probably the new manager as well, will find a pretext to fire you in a split second if they get wind of the fact you are job-hunting. Be sure to get a reference for your current work from someone you can trust, or, let any potential employers (at the interview stage) know that you are seeking a job while needing to keep the current one for financial reasons (if that's the truth), and refer them to someone who worked closely with you in your last job(s) before this one.

You're right that Dan seems odd. Especially as he has been nothing but unhelpful, and even illegal, in his treatment of you -- it was against the law for him to ask your age in the initial job interview. and he may have been skirting law when he refused to give you a copy of your contract. The comment about birth control from the other manager could absolutely be construed as harassing. Your bosses are going to be sued one day if they act like this to employees.

If you have any interest at all in staying where you are, you need to go to HR -- if the place even has an HR department or HR specialist. I have a feeling that this workplace either has an HR person who is doing those tasks while in another job, and so may not know much about HR law and regulations, or it has an HR person who might be tight with the bosses and who would not help you adequately, or would rat you out to them.

Frankly I might just decide that you're not coming back from the pregnancy. But take care on that. If your job provides your health insurance you cannot afford to lose your coverage in the late stages of pregnancy, and though you could possibly be eligible for COBRA coverage or coverage under the Affordable Care Act, you might not get the benefits for childbirth like you have now. Factor that in to what you decide. (If it were me I'd leave no matter what!)

Also be aware that if you job-hunt while clearly pregnant, while is IS illegal for them to discriminate against you based on that fact, such discrimination does happen, and if it's in their heads and never voiced, you cannot prove that you were denied a job because you were pregnant. Overall, I'd tough it out until the baby comes and then not return after the pregnancy. Sure, the current bosses you have will probably crow, "See? We knew she wasn't going to come back!" etc. since they seem to have an issue with pregnant workers. But you won't care because you won't be there.

Be sure you and your husband are stowing away EVERY spare penny in a good investment or other account because if you have an infant it may be tough to go back to work as soon as you might need to financially, especially as you must figure on child care costs.

Every workplace is different and none of them are perfect. If the interview was as bad as you said it was, then you shouldn't have accepted their offer. I have gone to interviews where I didn't "click" with the person and I declined. You are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you.

Workplaces are a funny thing. When I was 21 I started working at a company and we were all very close. I spent more time with my co-workers than I did my own family. So of course they knew all my business and I knew theirs. If I was hiding a marriage and then a pregnancy I think they would have taken it personally as well. I ended up working there 15 years and only left because we decided to move out of state to afford to buy a big house. (We lived in So Cal.)

So although you need to be "professional" at work and with co-workers, you also do have relationships with everyone and they get to know you personally. That comes naturally with spending so much time with them. So if you don't like your work environment, find something else. Good luck.

Most of that stuff is weird. I would say just do your job and try not to let it get to you, but if it bothers you, start looking for another job.

It's important to understand more about how maternity leave works. You probably notified your boss in time (if you were able to take leave), but keep in mind that some employers require notification very early in the pregnancy. My husband works for the State of Illinois, and they require notice very early on. I want to say within the first 3 months of a pregnancy. I was required to have my OB sign a form and return it to HR very early on in order for him to get paternity leave. So keep that in mind for the future, no matter where you work.

The government can pass laws requiring employers to grant maternity (and other types of family and medical leave), but they can't make them be happy about it! My brother is in the Army Reserves. He has his weekend duties, which occasionally mean taking off on a Friday or Monday, and his two weeks each year. Federal law might require his employer to give him those days off without using his vacation time, but that doesn't mean his co-workers or supervisors will be happy about it! He had a job for several years (they hired him knowing he was in the reserves) that really made it difficult for him. Thankfully there is a great deal of support at his current job.

Just saying, there are realities to life. Not every job is a perfect fit for many, many reasons. If you're not happy, keep your eyes open. Something better just might come along.

ETA - Margie made a very good point. Sometimes you can't make sense of it.

I've told my husband this many times. He tends to want something to make sense before he will support it. It's nice that he wants to understand me, but that's not always going to happen. I definitely don't always understand all of his wants and needs. It's nice to understand, but accepting is also important. You don't have to understand, just accept.

Don't waste your energy trying to understand your supervisor and co-workers. They are who they are. Accept that. Then, decide what you want to do.

The work day is way too long to have to deal with such. I'd leave.

This employer's conduct is highly unprofessional. Although you don't owe your employer any explanation about your personal life, it is unusual for an employee to keep secret certain life events. Time to look for another job! Good luck.

This has "illegal" written all over it. It also sounds like it was a power play from the beginning, with him talking about your "horrible inexperience" in the interview and then hiring you anyway.

You have no obligation to tell them ANYTHING about your personal life. Not giving you a copy of the contract was a red flag. They are hiding things and absolutely not wanting a paper trail. They are not allowed to discuss whether or not you have a child, a second child, or use birth control. And they have no business being taken aback by anything.

I would follow Mel R's advice. I would also absolutely find an employment lawyer (ask any lawyer you have, such as real estate or general practice) for a referral. You are doing the right thing putting everything in writing (email) but I would also make a paper copy of everything. If there are verbal exchanges, journal the dates and gist of the conversations. Things like "sneer" are subjective so try to write what he said and did, not just what he looked like. Also note when he is in the office and when he is not.

You need another job but this may not be the right time, plus you need the benefits. But start to prepare for contingencies. They have to follow the law but it may not be a good time for you to tell them that. I'd get legal advice - my husband had to get an attorney for an unfair and illegal action. It cost us money but we got 20 times back when the CEO found out what his staff had done and realized the exposure. It also prevented a negative evaluation/reference going forward.

Good luck.

Your marital status is none of their business, but I can understand them wanting as much notice as possible about needing a long term temp to cover your maternity leave. As for any comments about not having any more children, that is also none of their business and I would pay it no mind, you do what is right for you.

Congratulations :)

If I were you I would search for a different job. This workplace is not a good fit. Next time if strange/awkward behavior pops up in the interview you should contemplate whether or not it is the right job for you. In future jobs you should not feel like you have to keep being married or having kids secret. I think it is a little strange to be secretive around your coworkers.

Is there any kind of law against the pregnancy treatment and sharing that you should use birth control?? How rude!

Congratulations on your marriage and the new life.

I would not feel comfortable working for someone who went out of his way so much to show such disdain for me and treats me in a condescending manner, even from the get-go while you were interviewing. I can understand your need to accept whatever job came your way if money was tight, but I would not have stayed in such a job and in such an environment for as long as you did. I would have stayed for the paycheck until I found something better and not a minute longer.

Unfortunately, now that you are pregnant, finding a job will be nearly impossible (been there done that, so I speak from personal experience). Now that you know how they feel about you (the "use birth control" comment for example), I would wait until you have the baby to start looking for a new job. This will ensure there's no gap in insurance coverage or in getting a paycheck. I certainly would NOT stay in such a hostile environment.

There is nothing to understand here though, people are people and their behaviors and reactions don't always have to be logical or reasonable. I worked with someone who hated me only for the fact that I constantly printed envelopes and the machine made a knocking sound every time an envelope was printed. She would curse at me and tell me to stop printing, despite my boss telling me to ignore her and do my work. I complained to HR about it and they said there was nothing they could do and we all had to play nice. Easier said than done. I eventually was given a personal printer after complaining about the awkwardness, and this one did not make odd sounds. The woman ended up leaving for another job a month later, and I was told she was going through some personal problems and I was just the scapegoat. The people in your workplace could all be living miserable lives and looking for someone to pile on. Maybe because you're the newest employee (or seem to have a happy life), you unfortunately are bearing the brunt of their unhappiness.