Hi, I am a SAHM with my 4 year old boy, almost 2 year old boy, and a 9 month old daughter. My husband and I are best friends and have been happily married for almost 6 years. We have been together for 13 years all together. We have a lot of fun together and do everything as a family. We own an AC company so this time of year my husband has a lot of free time with us (People don't really need their AC or Heat) My husband had a horrible childhood. He was beat by his step dad, he never knew his real dad. His step dad drank every single day and his step dad and mom smoked like a pack and a half of cigerettes each a day. He no longer speaks to his family. I knew my husband since he was 12 and some years his parents wouldnt celebrate Christmas. They would say they didnt have the money. (They had enough money to keep smoking and drinking every day) He has two younger brothers also and after family troubles he does not speak to them either. His step dad has been accused of touching a niece of ours so we feel it's a really good thing to not have contact with them ever again. My husband is a wonderful man. He spoils are children because he didnt have much of anything as a child. He wants to provide for them things he never had, including love and affection. My issue is every holiday season he is like the grinch. He doesnt get into the holidays like I do. I had a good family life and I'm still close with my parents. So since my parents are the only grandparents my children have we spend the holidays with them. We always made a huge deal out of holidays when I was a child. This is my favorite time of year. He has already started mentioning how he is dreading Thanksgiving, because we go to my parents and he has to sit around and visit with my parents. Every time there is a family function I have to listen to him gripe and moan about it before we go. I love my husband very much and I can understand where he's coming from because of his childhood. I don't want to argue with him but I feel like the holidays are important and it's important for our children to have good holiday experiences and quality family time with us and the grandparents. I guess what I'm asking is if anyone else has a similar situation (husband not liking the holidays) or is someone has some advise so I don't seem like I'm nagging but to get him involved more in the holidays. Or is it just normal for a husband to dred the in laws?
I really appreciate everyones feedback! I know I am lucky to have such a great man. I have spoke with him about counceling before and he get's the tough guy attitude, he doesnt want to tell someone his problems and have someone tell him how he should feel. I also have realized I should make it about our family more. That will be hard for me, my parents live right down the street from us and I don't want to hurt them either. But I think that will help my husband. I will talk with him and maybe this year we can start some of our own traditions and still spend time with the grandparents too. I really appreciate everyones coments and please keep them coming! Happy Holidays everyone!!! :)
Hello D.,
All I can tell you is that you are lucky to have the husband that you have. At least he goes with you even though he complains about it. There are so many families that don’t spend the holydays together because of family issues.
Y.
It's uncerstandable how the holidays dredge up bad/sad memories for your husband. Poor guy! Since you said that you spend a lot of family time together, it's clear that he loves and enjoys his family-time. I would be grateful that he is that kind of dad/husband every other time of the year, and let him know how much you appreciate that.
Maybe if he can see that he is offering his children BETTER holiday memories (than he had) he can start to look at it through their eyes instead of his own. It sounds like he might heal through some counseling, which can help him cope with the pain of his childhood...which may affect him more than he realizes - not just during the holidays. There are some great books out there for emotional healing and childhood issues, etc on Amazon.com - you can just do a subject search.
Best of luck!
Hi D.. My first question would be 'does he get along with your folks?' What is he like with them the rest of the year? If they all get along well during the rest of the year I would ask him why it is such a problem for him around the holidays. What about your children? Is this the attitude he wants your children to grow up with?
Have you talked to him about counseling?
Being open about situations is the best way to go.
Try explaining to him from the view point of how it sucked for him as a kid. That he has had to grow allot to be the wonderful man he is today. To be the father he is. That his step dad and mom made his life miserable. They damaged holidays for him. That the way he is being is doing the same for your children. That now when you feel yourself start to look forward to the holidays , you also have the dread of how he is going to be so unhappy. That you are being torn like a tug a war. Ask him if he would just consider seeing a therapist with you or without you to help him heal a little more. So that your children that you have will not suffer as he has. However right now with his grinch like emotions and comments they are. You do not want your children to grow up and become all grumpy around the holidays and you are sure he does not either. I hope this helps.
Try a couple of table spoons of vinager in your wash. That should help.
L. R.
I don't have this issue with my hubby. We ALWAYS go to his mother's (grrrrr). But I do have something to say! (If you knew me, you would NOT be surprised!!)
My mother didn't have a grand childhood. There are parts she remembers fondly and parts not so fondly. There are times during the year that she gets down or wants to be left alone. There are times when whatever holiday we are on remind her of her childhood and make her blue, or upset. It could be the same with your husband.
You say your husband is your best friend - so, ask him about it. Just ask if Christmas is hard for him due to his childhood. That's a starting point. From there, you can maybe talk about what you can do as a couple to help him deal with his Christmas issues.
As for the in-law thing, just watch to make sure he is included, but not forced. My husband literally sat on the sidelines for like 5 years. We've been married for 14 now and he finally gets just a little bit involved.
Those are what I suggest. Sorry that it's all I've got. Good luck!
Hi Dannelle,
Are your parents able to care for your children for a day? If so, perhaps you could suggest to your hubby that you treat yourselves to a little pampering and relaxation at a spa for a day. It sounds kinda corney, but men can enjoy pampering as much we ladies do. Hopefully after feeling appreciated on a personal level, he can extend that appreciation to others during this hectic time of year. If your parents are like most grandparents, hosting the critters is their chance to spoil them silly. Your children also get to expierence the warm holiday feelings your parents provided for you on their special day alone with Grandma and Grandpa.
Hi D.! Wow, you sound a lot like us! My husband and I have been together 11 years and married for 9. We are best friends and do everything together. He didn't have the greatest childhood and holidays weren't a big deal. Growing up, living with my father, sounds a lot like your husbands, no money, no Christmas. My Grandparents took me in very young and holidays were always a big deal there. I loved the holidays! When I first got together with my husband, he could care less about the holidays. Then we had two daughters, 6 and 4 now. We always went to my mother's house for Christmas morning and then had to go to his parents later that day, and usually on Christmas Eve, we went to my Dad's. Well, I finally discovered, why my husband was having such a hard time with Christmas, is because we were running all over the place. He wanted to be at home to make our own traditions. We then started celebrating with the rest of the family on different days, not the actual holiday. Maybe that is part of your husband's problem. We just moved down here this year, no family, no friends, no stress about where we have to go and such! Maybe you could do it at your house instead, invite everyone over, or just do it on a different day with your extended family. Good luck to you!
Please forgive me if I am off base but the issue is not whether someone else is having problems like you. You don't want misery loves company, you want your situation to get better.
So, my suggestion is to really talk with your husband to find out what he likes and does not like about the holiday. And maybe this year your immediate family does the holiday like he would like and then have an open and honest dialogue about how this change, if any has made you both feel.
My suggestion for what it is worth is coming from being divorced and wishing at times that things had been done differently.
Good luck
Danielle,
One thing that you have to remember is it brings him to a negitive time in his life. He may even resent it alittle that your family was good and had holidays that were fun.. You should try talking to him about it ask him what bothers him the most. Try to understand that times like this were never a good memory to him, Try to be as patient as possible with him. It seems like you guys have a wonderful marraige and you love him very much! Good luck and also even men who havent had such a hard childhood like that dont like all the hype of holiday. IT in their genes! good luck with finding a resolution.
S.
D. I know what you are going through is not fun and being that you are very much into the holidays are normal. My daughters dad was raised by his step father aswell. He use to beat him and his mom and so it was hard to even get his trust in the beginning. He had many issues and I loved him enough that I just tried to be there when he needed me. Then after awhile I just thaught that he was playing the poor me card. I kinda started to get bugged about it because it seemed everytime I was happy or wanted to something exciting he would bring up his childhood and mope around. My daughter saw that he wasn't happy and that effected me. I finally called him out on it and we had a very serious talk. I told him that I love him and this is his life NOW , I know you had a horrible past but you need to forgive and forget because its not only effecting me its effecting our daughter. The past needs to stay in the past and you need to be here for your family. I reassured him that I love him and I understand he had a bad childhood , but we can't spend the rest of our lives with him constantly being such a mopster. He slowly changed and realized that it was affecting the family. So, I kinda hope this helps you and you be strong. If you and your husband are best-friends then it should be easy talking to him and letting him know how you feel.
V.
