Upset About the Holiday Season Why Does It Have to Be So Crazy??

After my eldest son's first Christmas and the drama that was hauling between my divorced parents' families and my husband's incredibly extended family, we quit the Christmas family rat race. We loudly and bluntly declared that we would be staying home for all future Christmases. If someone wanted the pleasure of our company, they could join us; otherwise, a phone call would be all they could expect.

My grandmother's cheered our decision. Our parents and sibs, not so much. But, in the end, they all got over it and life went on. If there were ill feelings, we never worried about it because we knew the decisions was what was best for our family.

Bottom line, you are family 365 days a year. Visits and celebrations don't have to be on major national and religious holidays. You can make other days special by gathering when it's less stressful.

Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful

It's only as crazy as you allow it to be. It sounds like you are happy with your decision to keep Christmas for yourselves and there is nothing wrong with that. People get all hung up on THE DAY and don't realize that as long as you spend time together and enjoy yourselves, it should not matter when it happens. We always spent holidays visiting family but I remember when reached my teenage years, sometimes we just spent the entire Christmas Day at the movies. My dad never took us to movies the rest of the year but that day he would pop for 3 in a row. And that was more fun for me than watching my spoiled cousins open a hundred expensive gifts right in front of us.

Since this is your husband's family, how about you have husband try to talk to them and just make it clear that you will make plans to visit on a different day, or they can come visit you guys on a different day. Or maybe rotate each year where and when the family Christmas gathering will take place.

3 moms found this helpful

You visit them BEFORE the Holidays get here, that's what I always did with my kids.... or some years didnt go at all. Who wants to travel with kids in the car in all that traffic with sweet potato pies ebbing and flowing on the floor of the car anyway? They get bored and fussy and I never found enjoyment in that and especially after eating a huge dinner I always wanted to be home on my own couch to enjoy my bloat. Just tell them you'll start visiting them in the future when the kids are older but right now you just want to practice making your own turkey at home for now....

3 moms found this helpful

Why don't you compromise by either going to a family member's house on Christmas Eve, for example, and then staying home on Christmas? Or, you can stay home for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but choose to host one of them - that way, you won't have to leave your house!

2 moms found this helpful

My family (hubby, kids and I) spend our Christmas mornings at our house. If other family wants to come to us, that's fine...and if not, we are happy to travel to them either before or after!

I am not as particular about Thanksgiving and we usually alternate years with my family and hubby's family.

2 moms found this helpful

The holidays can be so hectic. Talk to your husband and see if you can come up with an agreement on a way to simplify the holidays so they will be more fun.

The way we do it is this: For thanksgiving we rotate every other year with the families. For christmas we stay home. And for new years day we go to the other family who we didn't go to for Thanksgiving. Usually we will have some family stop over the day before christmas to give gifts to our kids. It's so much funner than running to every ones house on Christmas with cranky kids that have missed their naps.

See if something like this will work with both of you. I hope you find a way to make the holidays fun and less stressful.

2 moms found this helpful

We take turns visiting... one family for Christmas, the other for Thanksgiving. Or one for Christmas Eve, the other for Christmas dinner. It's also important to have time JUST for your immediate family though.

One year, we went the week after Christmas and totally postponed it and it was great!!

2 moms found this helpful

Since we started having children we stay home on Christmas morning and Christmas eve. We do go to my moms on Christmas day, my brother is there with his kids as well and its very local. My husbands parents live 2 hrs away. We get together sometime between Christmas and New Years with his whole Family at his moms. Works well for us. The only stress we have is shopping for gifts.

2 moms found this helpful

I am a single parent - when my son was little we drove an hour every Christmas to spend the day with my Aunt and other family/friends. I spent the first 4 Christmas's and Thanksgivings and Easters, of my son's life driving to my Aunt's house. Don't get me wrong she is more my Mom than anything...but the having to pack up the car and travel on every major holiday was getting to me. Add to that, once my cousin married we then went over on Christmas Eve and went to her In-laws house every Christmas Eve!!! It had gotten to the point that I was not even putting up a Christmas tree or decorations because we were not going to home to enjoy them and I didn't see the point.

When he was 4 I realized that it had to change. I remembered when my sister and I were kids, that Christmas morning was sooo special. We crept downstairs and opened our stockings before our parents got up - shook the presents and giggled and played. Once Mom and Dad were up they cooked a big breakfast and we ate. Then we opened the presents and played and listened to music....it was lovely. If we went to Grandma's it was late in the day - or they came to our house. These memories are special to me as my mother passed away when I was young and we really did not have many Christmases like this.

So I decided to start a new holiday tradition wherein my son and I celebrated the holiday DAY together. WOW, it was really hard to tell my Aunt that we were not coming for Christmas Day, or Christmas Eve, like pretty much ever again. But I offered an alternative - we would come on the 26th, and celebrate then and spend the night and do everything we did on Christmas Day.

You know what S.? It worked. Once I explained to my Aunt that I wanted to start my own holiday traditions with my son she understood. It has been 10 years since I made that decision - and although we have occasionally gone and spent Christmas Day with my Aunt, we most are likely to be found volunteering in the morning then coming home to spend the day together. Some years we have his father and some friends over for the day, some years it is just us. But it is 95% of the time at our house now and my stress level over the holidays is almost zero now.

You have the right to have a stress free, lovely holiday in any tradition that you want. Remember, to meet your families half way they have to come half way also. It is okay if you want to stay home and develop your own holiday traditions - that is a gift that you are giving to your children.

Wishing you a happy, warm and caring, and stress free Holiday Season!!!

2 moms found this helpful

We alternate Christmas'. My parents live out of state. My husband's parents live in our city. Every other year we go to visit my parents. When we stay home, we spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at our house with just our family and we go to my husband's parents in the afternoon for a big get together.

2 moms found this helpful

I think you've been given several great suggestions of what others do and the only thing I would add is you and your husband should sit down and figure out what makes the two of you happy...what would work best for your family. Yes, someone is going to be upset, but they'll get over it. It doesn't mean every year has to be celebrated the same way, you can alternate, but you get to take back that decision for yourselves. Remind both of your families that they did the same thing with their own families so you hope they'll understand your own wishes to begin your own family traditions. We are sort of going through the same thing...a little different. We are expecting our second child in a few weeks so we have a lot of family that would like to come stay with us and we have had to politely explain why that's not a good idea for us. Yes, we've made one particular person very upset, but we decided as a family what is best for us and we're going to stick to it. Good luck and have a very Merry Christmas!

1 mom found this helpful

i always believed holidays (such as christmas and easter) are to be celebrated with immediate family. having too many people around christmas would stress me out. i'd be ok with seeing people 1-2 days after christmas (not before as we are usually busy baking and just bonding with our children). we're ok with having a neighbor drop by for a cup of coffee and dessert but nothing more than that.
when we got married i realized my husband's family (siblings mainly) wanted to rotate and spend holidays together. we did two t-giving like this, and it was as crazy as you can imagine. nobody was having a great time because there was a lot of silent bickering, unhappiness, clashes of wishes etc. plus cooking for so many people was not fun. so we stopped it. our kids love being with just mom and dad, taking our time dressing, preparing breakfast, there is no stopwatch over our heads etc. i think if i were you i'd express my feelings to my husband and have both of us decide to put a top to it. that is exactly what i did. good luck

1 mom found this helpful

You have the right to make your family's Christmas however you want. I love going to see both my husband's and my family at Christmas, but I rarely get to see them, so it's kind of a little treat. If you really don't want to visit on Christmas I would just schedule a trip for each family to celebrate Christmas. That's what we do. We have our Christmas, then go to my parent's house, then usually the next weekend or whenever go to see my hubby's family. Works out great for us. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I never understand why more families don't celebrate before or after the two days are considered the "real" holiday. The holiday is whenever families can get together, especially if many members live far away.

A few years ago my side of the family started to celebrate our Christmas Eve traditions the Saturday before Christmas. I got a little flack for suggesting this, but it has worked out so nicely that everyone loves it. It also frees up my parents to be able to spend the night and enjoy waking up with the grandkids on Christmas day. On Christmas day after the morning of opening gifts and going to church is up for grabs. My husbands family doesn't like celebrating on different days so they can either come to us or we can go to them later in the day.

One year we also did Thanksgiving on the weekend before with one family so we could spend the actual day with the other side. It worked out so nice. Just getting everyone together is what it's all about - whether it's on the actual day or not.

1 mom found this helpful

my mil is the same way my husband and i have celebrated holiday's together for 4 year's been married for 2 and this is the FIRST holiday season we wont be spending with his side, but friends and my dad's side (Whom i've NEVER had a holiday with).

his mom asked us plans, we told her, and just ASSUMING we wanted to come over (i can see why she assumed) she changed the holiday "day" so that we wouldn't be busy and would show....then just told us, sign up for what you want to bring....THANK GOD dh said right then and there, we're spending this year with her side...mil was MIFFED but didn't care, he told her we're spending thanksgiving with my uncle on my dad's side (whom i've never had a holiday with) and christmas in TN with his grown daughter he just met after 20 years where in stead, christmas we invited my friend and her family over for our own little thing :)

i'm ready!

1 mom found this helpful

I flat-out don't get it! To me, Christmas & all other holidays is ALL about family. I am blessed that my family feels the same way. The actual location changes each year. We simply take a poll, figure out who's stressed most vs. most available.......& plan it from there. Peace!

1 mom found this helpful

I hear ya! Not only do we have to go everywhere, most of them even live out of town. My mother in law is taking Christmas Eve away from me because she says my house is too far for the family. SO I have to drive my kids over an hour away on Christmas Eve. I have too little ones and one on the way, I would love them to be in their beds at a decent time, but of course thats not going to happen. Also my husbands parents are divorced so we have to stretch Christmas out for like a whole week to be able to see everyone. We only see my family once and my in-laws throw a fit if they dont get their way. So I have to drag my kids around the state for week just to make them happy. It gets pretty miserable!

1 mom found this helpful

this is kind of the same situation we have the whole family at my oldest step sons house either the day before of the day after then everyone is able to go to in-law the actual day then our step childern go to their moms that Saturday or Sunday. Same with thanksgiving, my step daughter had to go to 3 different places on thankgiving one year so I and their mom got together and agreed on this schedule then when the family was too large for our little house we moved it to oldest step sons house. I still bake the turkey and stuffing and sweet potato's my step daughter in laws parents do the ham. Then the rest do side dishes and we each bring a dessert .

1 mom found this helpful

II feel your pain on one hand, but on another am jealous that you only have the normal 2 families. My husband & I have 5 places to go! I think reserving a day for yourself with hubby & kids is great as long as you set a new tradition of spending another day with other family. That's what we started doing last year. We actually just asked for xmas morning which is perfect! It's important to stress to family that these new traditions are so you can all spend more time together & not be stressed by looking at the clock all the time so you can make it to the next place. I hope you figure it out & everyone can have fun & enjoy time together, which is what it should be about.

1 mom found this helpful

I am willing to travel any/all holidays except Christmas Day. I attempt to see all sides of my family (mom and dad were separated by the time I was born and I lived w/ my aunt and uncle) including my siblings and my husband's family on Christmas Eve. They are all welcome to come to my home on Christmas (and many do) but if they want to see me, my hubby, or kids on Christmas Day they know where I live.

Sometimes I also have them over for Thanksgiving.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband and I had the same problem, we wanted to have our own traditions with our kids, but being with the rest of out families was just as important. So, we started trading Thanksgiving and Christmas - this year we will spend Thanksgiving with my family and then Christmas with his. Next year it will be opposite, and so on. It is soooo much better! Everyone knows our schedule and my sister has even followed it with her families. Its so much nicer to have a nice time the whole day then spending most of it in the car going from house to house.

1 mom found this helpful

I understand that it is nice for you to be able to stay in one place and enjoy Christmas with just your husband and children, however I also see your other family's point. I kind of feel like you should be honored that your family loves the four of you enough that they are upset when you can't make it to family events. I mean when your children are grown and have their own families aren't you going to still want to spend Christmas with them and your grandchildren? Unfortunately, people in general tend to believe they have more time than they do. For example my family has always celebrated Christmas with my grandparents even though we have all grown and most of us have our own families. My brother had the first two great-grandchildren in the family and always planned on bringing them for Christmas as it was my Grandma's dream to have us all together. Something always came up and he always swore it would be the next year. However, our grandmother passed away this past March and now it is too late. He regrets it and has to live with that choice. I just don't want you to have regrets because something was difficult. That said, I really do understand that it can be stressful trying to be many places at once. I grew up in St. Louis, MO and both of my parents were from NE which means all of our extended family was there. Every year we packed up and drove 500 miles and spent our time trying to see both sides of the family equally. What we did to 1) have a Christmas for ourselves and 2) not have to drag all the presents to each other with us, was to have a Christmas celebration before we left. This included Christmas dinner, presents and even a visit from Santa. We did everything exactly as we would have on the actual Christmas day. This was never weird for us and is something that even now I remember fondly. Another solution would be to take turns. Maybe do a three year rotation. 1 year with just the four of you, 1 year at his family's and 1 year at yours. Good Luck! I hope you can come up with a solution that you can all be happy with and that you have a great holiday season.