Hi Son Having Behavior Problems at School

Hi S.,
I have been a teacher for 13 years in elementary grades. The first thing I would suggest is to observe your son in the classroom and see when he is choosing not to do "work". What does the teacher mean by "work". For a 4 year old, the education should be "play-based". 4 year olds are not ready to do work that Kindergartners or 1st graders are doing. If there are no changes in the home environment, then he could be shutting down because he doesn't feel successful in what he is asked to do. By observing, you can see how the teacher is handling situations and how your son reacts to things and what "work" they are doing in the classroom. Let me know if you have other questions.
K.

Please contact Jane Fendelman at www.janefendleman.com and/or read her book Raising Humane Beings. I think she can really help you. I also know a woman who works as an educator for children with special needs. I can get you in touch with her if you would like someone to talk with.
Your little guy is going through something and needs help in figuring out how to cope with his emotions. Little ones are very emotional and usually go through their day based on how they are feeling and not what the best or right thing to do calls for at any given moment. Children need to BE well to Do well. And that BEING well and DOING well are different based on each childs own God given ability.
Ask your son open ended questions that he can understand. Try to stay away from the questions like, "Why are you doing this, not doing that?" Ask questions like, "can you tell me how you feel when your teacher wants you to do (fill in the blank), and you don't want to do it?" Based on his answer, help him figure out how he can let his teacher know how he feels AND how can he follow the class rules, or do the activity etc.
Have him color/draw how he feels when he's at school or at home. Give him a specific time at school or at home when a situation comes up. What colors does he see/feel/use?
Help him figure out something he can do to remind himself to use his words or follow directions. Like a special word to tell himself or maybe he can look at something to remind him what he needs to do. Help him learn creative and innovative ways to cope with situations. A simple breathing technique to center his body/mind.
Also, ask his teacher in what ways is he being obstinate? Is there a certain time of day this is happening? What triggers his unwanted behavior? Asking his teachers specific questions will help you all figure out how to help your little guy be and do the best he can.

On a side note....how does his school, teachers, friends, relatives, approach or describe your son? Is he a special needs child or is he a child with special needs? I'm hoping that it's the latter. Because he is a child first...he just happens to have some special learning or developmental needs. When we get away from labeling people, not only can we serve them better, but they will FEEL and DO better because they are seen as a person first. Not as a "label" first. If you find anyone describing your son as a special needs child... correct them. I would even bet that this little act of humaneness will benefit him.

Much good energy to you and your son. And best of luck in your pursuit of your degreee.

A.
mom of 4. Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

It is quite possible that your son is not getting his needs met in a positive way at this preschool. "Problem" children tend to be met with a negative attitude. It may be time to think of alternative schools in your area.
It is also possible that it is a phase. Children have similar phases in life, but there are a lot of variables, as well.
If his behavior gets bad enough, seek child counseling that offers sliding scale payments.

Two thoughts on this for you. #1: Is he bored? Bordom can definitely lead to these types of problems. If he's not being challenged he's apt to develop behavioral problems. Also #2: Is he being bullied by others (Even possibly when the other adults are not paying attention) This too will lead to behavioral problems. With our own children we have experienced both of these being the cause of Behavior problems. It got so bad that we finally pulled our kids out of school and began homeschooling them. You wouldn't believe the difference that has made!!!

I am glad you are involved and supportive of your child, his teacher, and his experience. I have had 3 kids go through the public school preschool (all three had autism, not that you need to have a "special need" to be in this preschool). I would ask the teacher to describe the actual situation, what is going on around and if she has any ideas what could be causing it. I would then observe the situation. My kids have had similar situations and they have been things from being hungry (this teacher chose to do snack when it worked for her diet, not for when the kids were hungry) to a new kid in class that cried and upset the other kids.

Try to be objective and be honest with her about his attitude at home. If you are not seeing this same behavior, then give her suggestions that might help. If you are seeing similar things, then try to work with her to find a solution together.

If you choose to bring outside help, fine, but work with her first. You might find that you and she can get a lot done together.

Some suggestions: visual schedules, consistent schedules, giving a warning (2 minutes and we go inside).

There are lots of other things it could be, it just sounds like you would probably benefit from more information.

If you would like someone to bounce ideas off of, email me and I am willing to help (don't worry, I am not selling anything, just had three kids go through some tough times and want to help other moms who might be going through similar things.)

S.,

My son (who is also 4) has the same issues as your son at school, but he struggles with them at home too. The structure and approach to discipline are similar between his school and home, and I know that he really is trying to develop an independent identity and have more control over his activities (so that explains his being stubborn and choosing not to follow directions). He is also aware when he doesn't have the vocabulary he needs to express himself, and he becomes very frustrated, which often results in acting out and choosing physical rather than verbal expression.

I guess I have some questions- Are you seeing the same behavior at home? Is there consistency between the levels of structure and the approaches to discipline?

If there is consistency but he is different at home, there's a good chance that he is reacting to something at school, whether it is his interaction with other students (my son comes home with interesting behaviors/words he picked up on the playground) or his being bored, frustrated, etc. with the work. It could be that he acts out more because he doesn't like his teacher, or doesn't like being away from you. In that case, let the teacher know that you think his behavior might be triggered by something or someone at school. She can then watch for clues.

If there's not consistency between home and school, the problem could be as simple as thinking that he doesn't have to behave as well as he does at home because it's a different place with different expectations.

I wish you luck!

Question: why would you email your son's teacher to inquire as to his behavior at school, has he been having behavioral "issues" elsewhere?? If not then I say it's possibly a personality conflict between the teacher and your son. My only experience with four year olds is that they love to learn, explore and pretty much take everything apart. If you encourage them to learn they learn to LOVE learning itself no matter the subject and behavior is never really a problem unless there's something else going on in the childs life that's disturbed their normal routine/comfort zone. Good luck.
My son had some issues when put in the middle of a custody battle. I used a reward system for a while until he was through it. It seemed to really help him.

Hi S.-
The other responders have given you good suggestions- make sure everyone is telling him the same thing. That said, if he is in a special needs preschool, he should be very happy and getting along with others. I don't know what your son's disability is, or if he has a disability, but here is my recommendation. Find out what the program is doing. Take a day off from work if you need to. This experience is important, and will set his attitude towward learning for some time to come. If your son has special needs, he should have an IEP, OK'd by you. Find out what level the 'work'is- it may be too hard. I usually recommend Montessori environments, since the public schools have recently become so accademically oriented that many children are miserable. There is a public Montessori school here in Tucson, but I don't know about the program. I also recommend that you and your son (and his teacher/s)use some sign language to help him with his daily needs when he cannot find his words.

It sounds like there is a fair amount of pressure for compliance. Make up a little check-off chart for the behaviors which are concerning the teacher. There should be about 5. There should be check-off boxes for excellent, good, fair, poor. Duplicate the form; give teacher a pile, ask for one per day, completed with date, to be given to you when you pick up your son, or? At his age, I would use stars or his favorite stickers when his score comes up. Show the scores coming up on a chart posted at home where he can see it; on the refrigerator or something like that. When the same thing happened to my son, I attached TV time as his daily reward- the levels checked corresponded to points, which corresponded to minutes of TV time. Remember that TV needs to be Sesame Street, Blue, etc., and no more than two hours daily. For TV, substitute your son's favorite activity. Try not to use food as a reward, although it is usually most rewarding. My son's chart was set up so that, even if he got all excellent scores, he couldn't get more than two hours of the activity.

Finally, the teacher should not be making all negative generalizations about your son; report her/him to his/her supervisor, and ask for what is working correctly. The teacher should also be completing charting on your son's IEP goals and objectives, if he is a special needs child. The teacher should be reporting to you on a regular basis. Most special needs children at your son's age will have a spiral-bound notebook which goes back and forth between teaching staff and child daily. Any illness, emotionally upsetting episodes, etc. should be noted, as well as med administration, dietary restrictions, items eaten, and so forth.

I should add that my son's episode (which happened in 1st grade) ended when the school demanded that I put him in the behavior disordered room, or he couldn't come to school. I am a special ed. teacher, and I knew my rights (and his). I threatened a lawsuit because they had not completed the process properly before telling me, had refused to do my chart, and in general, had been uncooperative. I told them that I was taking him out of school, found a good sitter, and let him sit it out the rest of the school year. The next year, I sent him to a private school where the teacher thought my chart was wonderful, and cooperated with me. The behaviors were history within three months.

I might also add that, if you are hoping to be a public school teacher, be very careful not to burn all your bridges behind you. There are some organizations which can help, and will send a representative in to meetings with you. Bone up on special ed. law and process, if your son is already identified.

Hope it helps - S.

I too have a son who has special needs. He has Aspergers. He went to a preschool at the pubic school that had both typical and special needs kids. I realize that you probably can't do this because you work, but it was very helpful for me to go in and view the classroom in progress so I can watch him and the other kids myself.
I have found that the more contact that I had with the teachers the more attention that they paid to my son. Even if you can't go in email her often so that the teacher is familiar with you.
You can also send in a notebook everyday with your child for the teacher to fill out DAILY to asses his situation for that particular day. No teacher has the time to do this, just ask them, however my responsibility was to my child and when I insisted during our IEP meeting they had to do it. Remember to relate all problems to how they affect the child's school work i.e. by being obstinate he is resistant to learning and unable to understand all that is presented to him therefor they must work to find the cause of his problem and fix it. Make it an IEP goal. Tell them that you require them to keep a notebook. It is amazing the power that you have with having an IEP so pick your battles for you son and hold your ground. Do your best to figure it out at home but force them to help while your son is in school, which comprises a huge amount of his day.
By the way, do you receive assistance from DDD (Dept. Developmental Disabilities)? If your son has autism he is eligible. They are awesome and can provide you with info about what you are legally entitled to. I think that you will be pleased when you find what this huge group can offer you.