Help with Smart Alecy Son

Unfortunately, the movies, songs and comedians your son - and everyone else! - sees seem to show that the obnoxious smart mouths are the ones everyone loves. Kids think that if they're sarcastic and mean spirited, it makes them smart and funny and that will make them loved. When they see that no one is responding to them, instead of dialing it back, they ramp it up, thiniking that they need to do more in order to be funny. Think about commercials and previews - the more obnoxious a performer is, the more likely thay are to have a hit.

He's given you a perfect opportunity to explain by using the word "mean." Point out that using descriptions like, "dumb" and "stupid", and laughing at anybody, IS MEAN. Tell him that your family rules do not allow for anyone top be disrespectful, sarcastic or mean spirited. And don't ever let it go on and on and on for several minutes (or even several comments.) Set a very clear consequence - any time he says something inappropriate, whether it's at school, home, a friend's house, the store or anywhere, he will lose a privilege, and name that privilege. Start taking away things he enjoys - TV, video games, playing with friends. Do it the first time he says something, not after a whole stream, and do it every time.

Try to find ways for him to get positive attention, too, and praise anything he does well. Praise any time he makes a big effort. Help him find a talent - music, sports, writing, art, acting - that will help him see that he can get attention without being obnoxious.

Great advice from all these moms. I never used soap, but I did use hot sauce or black pepper.....and when my kids told me I was mean I would tell them thank you, that it meant I was doing my job. He is testing the waters of how much he can get away with. My oldest boy (now 22) is very sarcastic (only rarely over the line) and I know he learned it from me (ouch). On the times that he would cross the line, I would (like you) tell him that what he said was unacceptable and hurtful. Use these times to open conversations. Ask him to draw his own character, the boy who always gets picked on, like Charlie Brown. Good luck and stick to your instincts.

I'm probably going to get grief for this, but . . . if the words coming out of our childrens mouth's are mean, hurtful, smart-alecy, rude, disrespectful, etc. it means the words in their mouths need to be washed away with soap. We've only had to do this about 4-times and now a warning will suffice (the warning also works with visiting cousins, who while not having had their mouths washed out, know I will not hesitate if the language is not immediately changed). Granted, this is with younger children and we've done it from the beginning. Also, we do not allow backtalk or sass ("You're so mean, etc"). And this again falls under being disrespectful and is immediately reprimanded and dealt with. It seems that your son(s) may need a stronger male influence to teach them the proper way to treat others. I suggest talking with other male family members or look into Boy Scouts or Royal Rangers in order to provide them with proper male role models. I know when my SIL's (both single parents) have trouble with their sons, a brief talking to by their uncle (my DH) helps get the boys back on track.

I agree with SH that it's probably a phase. As a twin, he may be struggling to find his identity. I had 7 kids (all grown up now)and I remember how hard it was to pay attention to everyone at once. You have a big job on your hands, and all the time, too! My heart goes out to you.
I don't know whether it will help or not, but if you can help him find something he does do well and just pay attention to that, it may steer his desire for being humorous in a positive direction. If he really wants to be smart, AND funny, you can always get him JAY LENO'S book HOW TO BE THE FUNNIEST KID IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD for Christmas. In it, Jay stresses how you can be funny, without hurting others in the process. Perhaps helping him see the there is an art to being a GOOD comedian will allow him to feel challenged to develop his self expression. There are plenty of 'clean' joke books for kids out there too. You may just have a talented kid there who needs some alternatives to allow him to grow and feel special. Dr. Dobson always used to say the best way to suicide-proof your kids was by finding something they do well and nurture it. So when they get depressed as teens they will remember they do at least one thing well.
There are plenty of ways to increase his sensitivity. If the problem is that he's continually criticizing others, he may be feeling criticized and attempting to compensate for it. Or ignored. He may be doing it for attention because he feels no one is listening to him. So IF you go out of your way to listen to him attentively when he IS talking about stuff in a NORMAL way, then when he begins being sarcastic you can turn away and say, "You know, honey, when you start talking that way I can't listen anymore - come back later when you want to talk nicely." (It works on husbands, too!)
Please check out my website:
www.gomommygo.com
I made it to help moms with free behavior charts, ideas, etc! There may be something there that gives you another idea what to do. And PLEASE tell me if you think of any other ideas that work. If you do I'll put it on the site to help other moms.
Blessings and a GOOD NEW YEAR to you and yours!
R.

Hi L.,
It is just his age!! my son is almost 9 yrs old and is driving me nuts! He ALWAYS has something to say about everything, even if he wasn't being spoken to. He says things that are out of line, and honestly I don't think he realizes it. He is just trying it out for size, to see what response he gets, if any. this is a very awkward time for young boys, not kids, and not teens. they are in a transitional phase, and it can be hard for them to know how to act. They want to be funny, and sound 'smart' but somehow it doesn't come across that way! Be patient, it will pass. In the meantime, gently remind him to keep his comments to himself and explain that sometimes what says comes out differently than he intends and can be upsetting, or hurtful. Good luck! :)

It's probably a "pre-teen" phase.

thankfully, he has corrected his behavior in school. Great!

At this age, they are probably trying to fit-in, get an identity, feel their way around among peers and how to fit in, trying to be 'cool', trying to be funny like the hip guys etc.

I know how 'grating' that kind of humor can be like your son is portraying. Maybe if he "SEES" a movie or comedian who acts like that it would make him see how "annoying" it actually is.

Your son sounds very bright/clever and he's probably trying to explore different ways to "be." As all kids do. He's not sure yet of himself. He's finding himself I think. But, maybe...try and tell him that if he ALWAYS acts like this (and people don't find it funny or likable), then he will "always" be seen this way... and he will become "stereotyped" like a bad "B-Movie." AND PEOPLE WON'T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY. Ever. It's like the boy who called wolf.
Maybe this might appeal to his senses and make sense to him.

Or maybe, is he just copying some character on TV?

It's a phase I'm sure... but hopefully, it does not become a "habit" in which he has to keep up....because sometimes a child does not "know" how to act any other way.

maybe he just needs to talk as well.... for some kids, acting this way is because they don't know of any other way to communicate in a 'safe" way with Parents etc.

Another thing, are his friends this way as well and the group he hangs out with?

I don't have an answer...just some thoughts.
All the best,
Susan

And he is mocking a cartoon character Mom, and you reacted, what would of happen if nobody would of payed any attention to him, completely ignored him, he would of embarrased himself and shut up. Smart mouth kids are like fires the more you feed the fire the longer it burns, the more you augue with him the longer he see's he can push buttons,,,

My kids knew when I had enough not by asking them to stop, to them stop means go, I used a word they knew they had reached my limit of understanding, if I used this word, they knew thats it, and they better duck & run. Who's the boss, do you think making him do pushups is disapline ???

maybe for the army, navy..ect.. see I play dirty .. I don't punish by taking away items right at that moment I wait until they are gone at school then I go in and take a tv, a game, an item they would have a fit to lose, they go looking for it the next day, then come running I can't find the .... so on so on item, geeze I don't know where it could be, maybe the smart mouth fairy took it, and when somebody gets a clue that isn't acceptable here the fairy might return, end of subject period and walk away.. works everytime.

This sounds pretty much on par for a 9 year old. Of course, that doesn't make it any less frustrating. But one thing to consider is what's underneath this behavior for your son. Nine is an age where kids are really identifying a self. That is, they aren't so dependent on their parents for their opinions. But because they are still immature beings in so many ways, they tend to go a little over the top. They can easily become know-it-alls.

My youngest is nine and she argues with me about everything. At least it feels that way some days. She even argues about things she couldn't possibly know. Things that have no bearing on her daily life. Sigh. Sometimes I can't resist and have to prove her wrong. The neutral response cuts down on her arguing.

That might work with your son. Not shutting him down, but acknowledging his opinion. That way, you aren't really engaging in a discussion of the merits of Charlie Brown. I have a friend who's brilliant with this kind of thing. I can hear her saying to her son (who's 9) something like, "I hear you buddy. Those are some strong words. Now we're going to figure out, talk about, make our plans for..." Kind of acknowledging him and then steering the conversation in a different direction. I've learned a lot by watching my friend. She stays calm and keeps her voice even. This works best right when he's launching in to his tirade and not once he's made fun of someone else.

When you have a private moment with the two of you, you might remind him that he will hurt people's feelings by making fun of things they like. He doesn't have to like Charlie Brown, but it's okay if others do. This way you reach him without encouraging more showboating behavior.

This is probably a longer reply than you wanted. I just find the impulse that leads to these behaviors in kids interesting. I work with parents as a coach and I'm always looking for ways to stay neutral and not let the little dears make us crazy.

Hope this helps. Interested to see other responses.
Good luck. Sounds like you have your hands full.
D.

Well, this is just me, and I wasn't there, but it seems to me that, in the beginning, you kinda made a big deal out of next to nothing. He's 9, so he's entering puberty and trying to figure out where he fits into everything. His identity is changing, he's probably trying to move away from you and his sister (cuz he's a boy and also he's growing up and wants to put distance there) and that's whey he's sarcastic. The Charlie Brown thing? I would've not chosen that one for my battle, personally. I would've put my radio on and started singing. Your kids are all entering the "age of annoying" and you're going to need to adjust and get used to it. They are going to try and purposely push your buttons----my advice is work really hard to not let them. Don't give them that power over you, cuz believe me, they'll use it!! Selectively pick and choose and learn to tune out, or you will go nuts, as will your kids. You are just entering many turbulent years and the more small things you focus on, the more they can rebel. However, once you asked him to stop and he didn't, you can use the "1-2-3 Magic" parenting system. It works wonderfully and here is the link. The book can easily be read in about an hour, and you don't need to read the entire thing to begin the program. Good luck and remember, your son is just doing what is annoyingly normal---growing up!

http://www.parentmagic.com/parentingsolutions-view.cfm

Hi L.,

As a teacher of jr. high and high schoolers for 16 years, I've seen my fair share of smart alecky kids.

I thought your 25 push-ups was a great idea. Here are a few others I would add to your bag of tricks...

First, set the stage. Tell your son, as I'm sure you have, that sarcasm, while sometimes funny, is also very hurtful, even if the object of the sarcasm isn't real (like Charlie Brown). Remind him that those sarcastic comments reflect on the person who says them, generally in a negative way: that the speaker is rude, petty and mean...that he builds himself up by tearing others down. Does your son want to be known as that kind of person? Last, let him know that the pain of those words and the negative impressions they leave can last a lifetime (maybe share an example of how someone was sarcastic to you as a 9 year old and how you STILL remember the pain).

Second, outline the basic consequences of those hurtful, sarcastic remarks. No more warnings, just a progressive loss of priveleges. If it were my sons (and it has been), he would be excused from the family to sit in his room (at my school we call this "refocusing"...very effective) since the comments usually popped out at dinner. He could return to the table when everyone else was finished because he was ruining our family time with rudeness. Then, it would be a loss of electronic gadgetry (game boy, email, and now our new Wii). If that didn't shape things up, it would be additional, character building chores (I'm a fan of weeding, scrubbing tile grout and cleaning closets). If that didn't work, I'd pull out the big guns: stripped down room, where you remove everything from his room except the bed and clothes and your son lives there until he reforms himself. (We did this with my youngest son after he was horribly disrespectful to me. It took five days of "Cell block C"--for Christopher--and scrubbing tile grout for him to apologize properly. He has not been in trouble in any way, and very respectful, since then...now going on five months, a long time for a 10 year old!)

Leave a lump of coal in his Christmas stocking, instead of presents. Santa doesn't appreciate smart alecks. (Just kidding...I just thought it fit the season! <g>)

As always, consistency is crucial.

I hope this helps. In my classroom, my smart alecks spend a lot of time "refocusing" in another classroom and listening to me expound on how to be polite. At the same time, I work with them on timing and delivery, something that comes with maturity and understanding your audience. The rare ones figure it out and usually will keep it as an aside, just to me. Others never get it and have lost the respect and goodwill of their peers and teachers. Who wants to hang out with a jerk, and a mean one at that?

Good luck! If nothing else, you'll have the strongest, most fit 9 year old on the block! <g>

physical punishment is not going to work on this kid, this is a verbal crime and really only a verbal punishment will work, a good old fashioned talking to.

and i will tell you one thing, this may not only be a phase. my brothers are funny guys, my sisters are sarcastic about life, i even tend to joke around a lot, i was a class clown in school as well. this sort of thing is usually taught by example. both of my parents were very sarcastic people. and thats why all six of us are like that, only my mom claims she is getting sick of it because "she wasnt raised that way". see im still sarcastic a little!

anyway, what im saying is that your little guy reminds me a little of my brother. always had some smart comeback for anything we said, only in my house that meant a verbal war, i had to figure out better remarks to beat him.
you can try to smother and cover up this "gift" in disguise, or you can help him shape it into something that is actually good. he likes talking about things in a certain way so maybe having a discussion about whatever he is thinking about, or reciting poetry or practicing tasteful jokes and comedy. he sounds like a really smart kid! with positive attention from parents he can go far. maybe have him write an essay or a book, or even a play or skit. there are plenty of ways for venting or understanding these kind of artistic talents.

i really hope this situation turns out good for you guys and that this is really just a phase and i hope that i said something that you could use or at least keep in mind!

I feel your pain, I have a 12 year old, but not only is he mouthy, he tries to get cuss words in, also. My husband is better than I am at ignoring him when he starts, but that seems to be the thing that works. Sorry I don't have better advice, but I will be checking back on your request for some help myself. Good luck, and hang in there.

Hi L., I think that your son might be acting like a smart aleck for 2 reasons. The first is for the attention, and the second is because it's gotten to be a bit of a habit. I would "extinguish" the behavior by ignoring it, and only giving him attention when he does something that is more sociably acceptable.

My 9 year old daughter is doing this all the time too. I try to have patience with it, as I think she is discovering who she is and is "trying" to be amusing, not annoying. But yeah, after a couple minutes, I'm done listening to silly rants about nothing. I ask her to stop, and she usually has ONE more comment, and if it keeps going past "That's enough..." I will remind her that I've asked her to do something and if she continues to ignore me, there will be consequences involved. That usually works for her, since she HATES getting her TV and computer privileges taken away. Another time I told her if she felt so passionately about it, she should write it down, because she obviously had a lot to say, but that I wasn't the right audience for it. She didn't like that idea, lol! I also get real upset if she makes fun of people, even strangers, because it is disrespectful and rude to talk about others behind their backs, even if they can't hear you, not to mention a bad habit to get into before high school, where that kind of thing will get you a butt kicking real quick! I think it has to do with the fact that we are a teasing family and we are good talkers and she is just finding her voice. Hope this helped, good luck!

My brother was a comic also. He would make us laugh non- stop at dinner. I always wanted him to write it all down. He was always talking so fast he needed a recorder. So, if you get him something to talk into, he can replay it and listen to what he is saying. He can also start to write it all down and "tweek" it. Explaining what sarcastic really is(have him look it up) might help him to see why it is so bad. He may have a future as a comic. Help him to change the subject he he gets started on a tirade. Start talking about something else, or lead him into something else. It will take some work on your part to think about where this could go that will be positive, but in the end you will both end up with a better conversation.

Hi L.,
I can certainly understand how frustrating this must be. I would suggest focusing on ground rules of communication and behavior. That would mean things like speaking respectfully to and about others, that it's okay for people to like different things or have different opinions without needing to make the other "wrong", etc. When he starts in on a rant, I would remind him about speaking respectfully. Of course, you could throw in something that shows that you understand his feelings, AND that he doesn't need to put others down, etc. For example, "I understand that you have outgrown Charlie Brown, but some people still like it, and that's okay for them, just like it's okay that you don't like him."
Or, perhaps there might be an opportunity to take the conversation in another direction by asking more questions about him in those moments. For example, maybe it could open up a dialog about what he finds objectionable, and why, and what things he actually likes. Again, the guideline here would be applicable in keeping dialog respectful in tone. Rather than just calling Charlie Brown "stupid", could he explain more about what bothers him about Charlie Brown and how he'd rather see him act. Who knows what insight this might allow your son to share.
Or what about sometimes finding something to agree with (but using respectful languaging)? That might throw off his rant. Like, "Yeah, you know, I would get really annoyed with someone who kept getting fooled by the same person and didn't learn" or "it gets old to see his sister be mean to him, doesn't it?" As the the conversation goes along, just guide him to keeping his talk respectful or not hurtful while expressing himself.
With my son, I have impressed upon him since he was a wee one that I am very interested in what he has to say, and that he needs to speak respectfully.
Another thing that could be said is, "I really enjoy hearing what you have to say, but I don't want to hear things that sound hurtful about others. That hurts my heart."
Those are my thoughts. I know that kids this age can really have a mind of their own. Your son could probably just use a little fine tuning in his communication. He was recently a student of the month, and he has shown that he can modify his behavior, so I'm sure with your help that he'll find his way out of this.
All the best to you and your family.
M.

A little late but my son was very sarcastic too-but he had so many friends, the "you wont have any friends thing was not working" All his friends were sarcastic with one another but he was the class clown-thankfully he was very smart so teachers still liked him. The biggest complaint I got was that he disturbs others who need to listen. The "your son is so smart he does not need to listen but the other kids do and he is disturbing them, can you talk to him". I know this is weird but what helped was another kid who was even more obnoxious came and my son said "mom, no one likes him"(my son knew him from before) and I said "see that is how people see you especially new people who have not known you for years" he changed and now he is 17 and MUCH better. Maybe your son needs to see someone who acts really obnoxious to get the picture.
Best of luck- keep talking to him and point out nice adults and how much people like being around them.

In a quiet moment tell him that what he is doing is only hurting him. That eventually no one will want to be around him and that this is not the way to get attention. Tell him that what he has to say is impotant but that no one will hear him when he talks like that. I've often told my kids that if they want to critcize something/someone I only want to hear how it pertains to them - so and so is so mean because they yelled at me in class today, etc.

When my kids do this they get something called quiet time. Bascially they're given one warning and then if they persist quiet time starts. What that means is that they're not allowed to utter a word for 5 minutes. If they talk the time starts over. I've found that sometimes they just need to break the cycle and this works. BTW, my kids are 7, 10 and 13 and I still have to do this with the oldest.

You think he's obnoxious now, just wait! Good luck!