Help with Neice

I'm sorry for you troubles. But here is there scoop, you neice is depended on men. And I think she should get help for it, and that you should talk to her about it as well. Also here is another thing you can do, which puts alot on you, but if you are worried about your nephew, and what to make sure he is ok, it will take alot out of you. Try letting her go, let her move in, do what she wants and you take care of the child. Also another thing is her father can also get custady of the child as well. And you can help him out. But the truth is you can not save someone who does not want to be saved, I am sorry to say that. But I was in you shoes with my cousin and her daughter, and she was on drugs as well. But every morning I picked my God daughter up took her for the day till her mother, the grandmother came home, and sometimes longer.I was cleaning houses so I could take her to work with me. But if you care and you are really worried about the child there are many things you can do. You can also talk to her about signing over custady to you till she gets on her feet. But the truth is if you really care and are really worried about the child you will have to put up with her for the child, and the things she does. I know its hard, I've been there, but until she realizes that she needs help there is nothing you can do. You can also do an intervention on her, and confront her with those that love her, but it can also push her away, and when she needs help she might not call when need be. I feel for you, and will pray for you. It is so hard when someone you care about is messing up thier lives and those you love. Try praying and see if you can come up with something that way. I wish you the best of luck, and hope it all works out.

1 mom found this helpful

H., it sounds like you have done a great deal for your niece, as well as other family members. But, after so long of helping, you turn into enablers. All the help given to her is allowing her to continue to act the same way. As with a young child, rules have to be enforced. Open your home to her for a set amount of time - during this time she must find a job, arrive home at a decent hour (your family shouldn't be disrupted either), etc. If she doesn't comply she has to leave. As for her son I would contact CYS and tell them your nephew is not abused, etc. but you are concerned about what you listed to us. Ask them point blank if there is anything they can do - if not - ask them where you should go, and who you should contact - there may be alot of services you are unaware of. Good Luck.

Hi H., My heart goes out to you and your little nephew! What a tragic situation. All you can do is really keep calling cys. Surely they should do something when the child is on the streets! Mayabe the next time she is sleeping on the streets wtih her child you should call the police instead...I know that sounds harsh, but they will more than likely force cys to do their jobs by charging her with child indangerment or something. It sounds like his Mom needs a big wake-up call and a kick in the pants, but you can't really do that. Too bad that once again cys has dropped the ball...it makes you wonder about how many children are out there that aren't getting the protection they need and deserve. I hope everything works out for your family soon!

unfortunatly,social services will not do anything unless the child looks abused. sometimes they are overburdened with calls about abused children and will dismiss it if the child looks healthy and kempt. stop helping her and let her do it herself. if you keep being there for her than she will keep showing up and expecting you to help out with her son. the father needs to pay child support and should also be responsible.

You are basically stuck between a rock and a hard place. There are two things I can suggest for you but I'm not sure if you'll be happy with either one. First, document everything that is going on, what time she is walking in the door with her child, what he looks like etc. It may seem tedious but it works. If there is another situation where she is saying she got locked out and etc. call the police so they can document the situation. It is child endangerment. You could also try to talk to her again suggesting temporary custody where she still makes the decisions but the child resids with you while she gets on her feet. I know you tried this but you should at least try again, especially after you have documented everything and the police have been called. The second suggestion I have for you is to not let them in. I know people can make bad choices and it doesn't make them bad people but maybe not letting her in will make her realize that she has growing up to do. I know that sounds bad but maybe the tough love will work. Also, while you are documenting what is going on after you have at least a few weeks worth of evidence take that to child services and show them what you have and if there is a police record of any incidents, they have to something then. I hope for your nephew's sake that this can be resolved and she makes the right choice at some point. I will keep you all in my prayers and I also have to say I commend you for willing to take your nephew so she can get herself straightened out.

I agree ... it's difficult...but no one ever said the right things is easy. If she has been offered help and refusing it...she's got bigger issues that she needs to work out...on her own. That little boy needs security...colder months are approaching and he needs a warm heart and home. As far as I have heard CYS usually tries to place the child with a family member if at all possible...especially someone he is familiar with so it will be less traumatic. Then they will halp her get help...if she wants it. Good luck and please keep us posted...they'll be in my thoughts.

I know how hard your situation is. My parents are raising my brother's daughter and son; all is well now aside from dealing with the affects of what led up to their current arrangement. My brother and his wife (who divorced shortly before my sister-in-law abandoned her kids) just could not do the day to day. My niece and nephew had gone months without water or electricity in the home and they have dealt with their mother taking their money for drugs and pawning their bikes. You name it. My brother is not that bad, but he was negligent and is no less to blame. Their mother started out just like your niece. Little things that are questionable led to what she hid from us. It is what goes on when you are not there that should scare you.

I hate to say this, but you need to get a court involved. Any change is up to your niece and it does not sound like she is in any hurry to do what is right for her child ALL of the time. My sister-in-law could have good days and it was easy to think things were alright, but what my niece and nephew went through is not fair. This sounds cruel, but stop feeling sorry for your niece and worry for her son. There is no reason why he should be the victim while everyone waits for her to grow up. We waited for my brother and his wife to get it together and the kids paid the price. What you need to do is get primary guardianship of your nephew and then a court can set up child support payments for your niece to pay. She will feel the consequences of missing a payment, but more importantly her behavior will be documented as negligent, which will speak volumes to CYS. Take care of that boy! Good luck.

call Division of Youth and Family Services!!!!!

Hi H.,
Your niece and her son are lucky to have you to be there for them and care about them.

I would suggest you try to convince your niece to get some help- it sounds like she could have some mental health issues that could maybe be treated.

Good luck.

Hi,

If CYS deems it not a problem, and your niece won't voluntarily give you custody, then there is not much you can do right now.

But PLEASE stay involved. It sounds like you love your nephew very much and he definitely needs you.

Good Luck.

I don't have any experience with this, but i think you should call children's services. If you told them you were willing to take your nephew they would probably place him with you as opposed to strangers.
Your neice is an adult even if she isn't acting like one. But that baby needs some one to take care of him before something awful happens.
I'll pray for you and your family.

H. - i am not sure but i think that if you go to an attorney and possibly get social services/domestic relations involved that you can proove that at this current time your neice is an "unfit mother" and you can apply for temporary custody of your great nephew - especially since its sounds to me as though there may be some depression and/or other mental issues going on - if you go this route then she wont have the option to "sign papers" - instead you'll retain custody of your nephew until she can proove to the court that she has been sober, with a job, in a good home etc for "x" amount of time- its sounds as though you can also proove that this is a repeatative thing so it will be easier to sell your case - espeically if you are only going to "temporary custody" - i know it sounds harsh and maybe it is "tough love" - and she may resent you at the beginning but if she is as good of a mother as you say she can be then this might be the motivation she needs - think about it - what motivation does she have now? consult an attorney - a family law attorney and see what your options are....

also start RIGHT NOW keeping a notebook wtih dates/times of every encounter you have with the two of them - so that you can show a judge what you have - its a CYA thing

hopefully you can get some resolution and my thoughts and prayers are with you....

keep us posted
S. w

You need to call Social Services. I am a Juvenile Probation Officer in Bucks County and I work fairly closely with our Children and Youth Agency. A few things may happen...they could help your niece find a shelter to live in with her son, or they can identify family members who could take your nephew in, or they can put your nephew in foster care. You have no idea what your nephew is seeing, living the way he is living right now. Even though it is a difficult decision, something major needs to happen because it doesn't sound like your niece is ready to make any changes anytime soon. Usually you can call your local Children and Youth anonimously. Good luck!!!

I'm sure this is not an easy thing for you, but you really need to call Child Protective Services. I know you are probably hesitating because you don't want to betray your neice, but this child sounds like he is in danger and his emotional wellbeing is at stake. These are things that can seriously damage a child. Your neice sounds like she needs help too! And maybe by you taking action, she'll realize that this is not a joke and when you jeopardize a child, this is a serious matter. She's only 21! I'm 27 and have a 6 month. old baby and am in a not so great situation as well. But my family is extremely supportive and there have been many times that I feel like I am gonna lose it, but I would never jeopardize my baby like this. She's not thinking clearly if she would take her son out onto the streets at 1am. Sounds like she's being stubborn and wants to try and get you upset, but she needs to know that that type of behavior will not fly!

Well I cant say that I have alot to offer as advice for this, but I have been in her shoes! For me it was just a faze and it was a hard faze to grow out of.... all its going to take is some tough love! You have to show her that if she cant do what you need her to do to be a good mom than to step back and do NOTHING!! If shes a good mother as you state she will see that she needs you to help her with her son, and thats when you say I can only help you if you help yourself! Dont offer to help her out with her son anymore! Dont give her any money, if her son needs things its okay if you get him the essentials but do not offer her support in any other way! I know it sounds harsh, but it surely changed my situation for the better. I now work, and have my own place... yes it might not be the best life... but im trying... and now im stronger for it! Hope this helps alittle.

H., I would call Social Services. That little boy needs someone to look out for him. It sounds like your neice has some underlying issues that you may or may not be aware of.

Hi H....You are awesome for getting involved in a not so good situation involving a child. Lots of people shy away from these situations. Keep fighting for the little guy. He is lucky to have you in his life. Best of luck to you and your nephew...the ladies here have some great advice.

I agree with the others who said to call CYS. Your niece isn't taking care of her son like she should. He needs some a safe, stable environment with a responsible parent figure. I hope everything works out.

You need to document the bad care. Hire an investigator, have her followed and videotaped. It might even be eye opening to learn what is causing this erratic behavior, (drugs?) and to help her. It will be difficult for CYS to turn an eye to that. Sounds extreme, but when it comes to a child and an unsafe matter such as you have described, there are no extremes. If CYS still can't/won't do anything, consult with an attorney about trying to obtain guardianship. Or do both -- an attorney usually has a relationship with an investigator. If you email me privately, I can give you the name of a very good one.

Try again with you neice, tell her she does not have to stay in your house, but you would love to have the nephew stay in the evening. She can come take him to school, etc. Maybe, if you aren't asking her to sign paperwork, she will bring him around.

H.,
I really feel for you and your family. I strongly agree with the other poster. Call CYS. She is endangering the welfare of her son, even if she doesn't think so. Hopefully she will get her act together, and realize what she is doing. I can not believe that her parents are letting this happen to their grandson. May God be with you, and keep you strong and your nephew safe.
Diane

I agree that you need to call CYS. You owe it to your nephew to help give him a better life than this. When she is ready to grow up she can have him back. Some people just do not get the mothering thing and need some help.

I am wondering how your niece is paying for daycare when she is homeless. Is the child's father aware that his son is out on the streets all night. This child needs a consistent environment to thrive. Have you tried calling the police? This child is in danger, even though the young mom is doing the best she knows how to do. Please turn her in to the police for the child's sake.

Hi H.,

Go to your local Juvenile and Domestic Court and apply for custody of your nephew.

Let the courts decide if he is being neglected.

Hope this helps.

D.