Help with My Current and Impending Problem....

You are right! Your daughter needs consistency, especially now that her little brother is coming so soon. As of tonight there needs to be a new rule in the house. Snuggle time is for before bed and early mornings, not in the middle of the night. She needs to learn to fall asleep in her own bed, and if things get bad in the middle of the night, she needs to be placed back in her own bed. There is nothing wrong with someone laying with her for say 5 minutes after that happens, but she needs to learn to put herself back to sleep (and she obviously didn't learn that as a baby, so she needs to now). Try to be as calm as possible when you explain to your wife that you just want your daughter to be a strong and independent woman, and the first step towards that is learning to sleep on her own (she is 6!). Explain calmly that you don't want to do this once your son gets here, so the sooner you do it the better. "B" is going to have enough of a transition when baby comes, don't make it worse by waiting the bed transition out! Good luck!

J.,
Personally, I agree with you. I feel that children belong in their own beds. (exceptions for illness, nightmares, etc.) I need my sleep. Uninterrupted and restful sleep to function everyday. The infant months with my son were my hell! LOL
I think it is unfair that your wife is pitting you against her and making you the bad guy. Does she really want the kids in your bed every single night? I think you are trying to do the right thing by getting the 6 yo to sleep in the bed. You are showing love to her by teaching her to be confident and independent enough to have her own bed, her own space. A 6 yo is old enough to understand that at daddy's place, she shares his bed, but at her house, she has her own bed.
I think it's troubling that your wife thinks you will forget about "b" when "your" son arrives. Where's that coming from?
Can she agree to some sort of compromise? Cuddle time is after reading books on the daughter's bed? Cuddle time Sunday mornings in your bed? Something like that? Good luck!

As a divorced mom who is about to get remarried to a great guy, good for you! It takes a really kind, patient and devoted man to open his heart and take on the responsibilities of being a dad to a stepchild.

Also- again, as a divorced mom, I have to say, I don't know many 6 year old girls who sleep in the same bed regularly with their fathers. I don't want to alarm you or your wife if there is no reason to be concerned, but at the very least, it sounds like it is contributing to your daughter's fixation with not wanting to sleep in her own bed.

Can you and your wife meet with the ex ( I know it is a pain, but you gotta do it sometimes, right?) and tell him that with the baby coming and the move to the new house, your daughter needs to get comfortable sleeping in her own bed and that having her sleep in the same bed with her dad is not the best thing for HER well-being and adjustment right now. That way you aren't accusing him of anything.

Then offer to get your daughter a special sleeping bag or air mattress or whatever for when she sleeps at the dad's house. Sorry- but at the very least, she could be sleeping on the couch. Where is he planning on having her sleep for the weekend when she is a tween or a teenage girl??

Maybe your wife has also sort of encouraged letting her daughter sleep in bed with her as a comfort mechanism for herself as well as the child. Getting divorced is very difficult- especially if her ex was abusive- and nothing is more comforting than having your daughter safe snuggled up with you!I don't even know if you should bring that possibility up to your wife, but that may be part of why she doesn't want to 'let go' of that habit either.

I would suggest that you both want to encourage your daughter to be independent and brave- and most importantly to feel SAFE in her new bedroom and new house. She is not going to learn to feel that her room is a safe place if every time she wants to leave it, you swoop her away to your room.

But you and your wife need to be on the same page with this, especially with the baby coming. I agree with what most other posters have said- lots of kids want to sleep in mommy and daddy's bed, but it just isn't always the best situation for anyone!

Set up your daughter's bedtime routine and stick to it! Let her pick out a special nightlight for her room, etc. If she gets up and wants to come into bed with you guys, you and your wife need to gently but firmly tuck her back in. Over and over again, as many times as it takes. There will be some crying and fussing at first, but eventually she will just get used to it.

Remember, you are going to be exhausted and up all hours with a new baby soon- everyone in the house is going to need all the sleep they can get, so better to get your daughter settled into her sleep routine now. Play up to your daughter about how lucky she is to be the 'big girl' and have her own room, bed, princess bedspread, etc.

There will probably be some regression when the baby is born- that is PERFECTLY normal and happens with all kids, so don't let it throw you! There is going to be some drama- little girls are drama queens, lol, but just try not to let it get to you- it is all normal and she will outgrow wanting to sleep in your bed if you just stay calm, consistent and upbeat about 'her' bed in her own room.

Good luck-= I am sure it will all work out! Congratulations on your new house and the new addition to your family!!

I'm a firm believing of co-sleeping, so maybe I'm not the best one to give you advice ;) My girls are only 3 and 8 months though. It sounds like you and your wife are going to have to come to a compromise. Maybe B can sleep on the floor of your room a certain number of times a week. 6 is a little old to still be sharing a bed all the time with Mom and Dad. I think I'd be a little concerned about her sharing a bed with her Daddy when he has her. Given the past that's a HUGE red flag to me. In my state, the child has to have their own bedroom to even be granted visitation. I would tend to agree with you that B is testing her boundaries. I think they start doing that at about 2 and don't stop until they're moved out of the house ;) I agree with you that she needs a set schedule for bedtime. For the new house, I would let her pick out every thing in her new bedroom, wall color, bedding, decorations, etc. Go on and on and on about how it's going to be the BEST room EVER! Get her REALLY excited to sleep in her own room. Mom HAS to be on board with you though. Good luck!

Updated

I'm a firm believing of co-sleeping, so maybe I'm not the best one to give you advice ;) My girls are only 3 and 8 months though. It sounds like you and your wife are going to have to come to a compromise. Maybe B can sleep on the floor of your room a certain number of times a week. 6 is a little old to still be sharing a bed all the time with Mom and Dad. I think I'd be a little concerned about her sharing a bed with her Daddy when he has her. Given the past that's a HUGE red flag to me. In my state, the child has to have their own bedroom to even be granted visitation. I would tend to agree with you that B is testing her boundaries. I think they start doing that at about 2 and don't stop until they're moved out of the house ;) I agree with you that she needs a set schedule for bedtime. For the new house, I would let her pick out every thing in her new bedroom, wall color, bedding, decorations, etc. Go on and on and on about how it's going to be the BEST room EVER! Get her REALLY excited to sleep in her own room. Mom HAS to be on board with you though. Good luck!

Personnaly I feel that kids should have there own bed... I do admit that I co-sleep w/ my little ones for the first few months, but it is on the couch or my recliner, not in bed. And it's not usualy every night... but some nights I'm just to tired to "deal" and I need a little extra sleep & when they sleep on my chest they sleep a little longer giving me the rest I need.

My kids are 2 1/2, 4 1/2 & 6, plus another is due in July... we have a 4 bedroom home - kids are all upstairs & our room in downstairs eventhough it is the smallest bedroom. I don't like my kids on the main floor so close to the doors, sorry but that scares me. So, soon two of them will have to share a room - not sure how that will work out... lol.

Anyways... I have read a lot about marrage & marital stress. Alone w/ articals interviewing people that have been married a long time & laugh because a lot of what they say I believe in... one thing I have noticed is that kids are not to be in the marital bedroom. That mom & dad's room should be off limits, unless the kids are invited in. Sometimes when we lay down in the middle of the day, the kids will come in to westle with us - only because we have a big bed & we can all westle around & not get hurt. But when it comes to bedtime - no no no!!!

Our kids sleep in their own rooms for the most part... I do find my 4 1/2 & 6 yr old sleeping in the same room sometimes, but when we put them to bed - it is in their own rooms.

But that all being said, my sister has a different view on co-sleeping. But her kids are out of the bedroom long before 6. She co-sleep w/ her kids till they were about 2 or so & then worked them out of the marital bed onto a mattress on the floor & then slowly moved it closer to the door untill they were in their new rooms.

We were both raised in the same home, so we have the same "background" but we have different views now on the way it should be done. You and your wife have different backgrounds & different views... the only way you will work through this is to talk & set-up ground rules you both can live with. Part of marrage is compromising, another is picking battles... so if this is a battle you choose to pick, then be prepared to compromise about it. Also, try to have a few good facts to back you on why you don't want the kids in your bedroom - that is other then I just don't think it's right or I turned out ok.

I wish you luck. Also, congratz on the new home and baby on the way... but most of all for caring so much about your wife & daughter that you would ask for help!

Good for you that you've embraced your daughter with so much love and commitment. Having been in this exact position with my own daughter, I think I can help. First of all, she's only 6, and has had multiple (though mostly positive) changes in her little world. The new baby, new Daddy, new house etc, are all overwhelming. I suggest you call a moratorium on fighting the sleep issue to some extent. At this age, they often do need extra comfort- and once the baby is here, are you really going to insist she stay in her own room when her brother is spending much of his time snuggled up with Mommy? Instead, start a new bedtime routine. Do the bath, teeth, book, snuggle, prayers, etc in her bed. Tell her she must start in her own room, but if she wakes in the night, she can quietly come into mommy and daddy's room- BUT- she can't wake everyone up or cuddle in their bed. Mommy nd Daddy need their sleep! Instead, have a sleeping bag and pillow that stays tucked under your bed (closet, somewhere out of the way) that she can pull out herself and just lie down and go back to sleep. Of course you will hear her, but NO TALKING or acknowledging her in any way. If she cries or fusses, then she has to stay in her room, but if she promises to just quietly go back to sleep, it's ok to do this.
You won't believe me now, but after a couple of weeks, this will taper off, and she will not need to go to your room. She's getting the comfort she needs, but not the attention she wants in the middle of the night, and eventually she will not need to do it. It may "flare up" when the baby is born- that would be totally normal and, again, she will get bored with it after a while. Sometimes kids do this when they start school, or have other big changes- it's normal and fleeting. Just don't make a big deal about it, and let them work through it.
Just remember that she's still very young, and she won't WANT to sleep with you in just a few years. Try to relax about it yourself, and let your wife not stress about it right now either. Her instincts are actually right on- even if the boundaries are a little skewed. Ps- get a lock on the door, and let your daughter know that if the door- in fact, ANY door, is closed, she must knock first! (But also keep that door open unless you're having a private moment. For now.)
Good luck!

I'm actually more like your wife with my daughter. My boyfriend has to play the bad guy with me! Almost every night he has to go through the entire routine of talking me into getting her to sleep by herself. When we put our foot down and make her stay in bed by herself, she puts herself to sleep and stays in bed just fine. I feel bad when she cries and immediately want to go save her because I think it's being mean to deny her the comfort she wants, but I have to realize it's in her best interest because we want her to grow to be independent and not clingy and scared. She does seem to do better when we do it, and when I cheat and rescue her, she regresses. So, although I know my boyfriend is right about letting her sleep on her own, a lot of the time when I really want to sleep with her, I realize it's mostly because it's me that wants the comfort and wants to feel like I'm comforting her and making her happy. I think you are completely right and I hope you can get that across to your wife. It will benefit everyone in the end, especially your daughter. Good luck!

You sound like a wonderful father!

I too agree that 6 is too old to come to your bed every night. Starting this long weekend, you guys need to work on allowing daughter "to be able to sleep in her own bed". She needs to know she can do this.

Your wife is not doing her daughter any favors by allowing this and making excuses. Why does daughter wake up at night? Potty, wants a drink of water? At this age, she should be sleeping through the whole night..
Get her a sound machine, make sure there is not extra light coming into her room, make sure she had her lovey.

Make up a nightly bedtime routine and just do it.
The secret is to return your daughter to her own bed over and over. Take turns. One night is your night to return her and the next is your wifes turn all night to return her.

Make an awards chart for when your daughter stays in her own bed all night. Think of an amazing prize that your daughter would want to work towards. In the mean time, try to do 3 days staying in her bed all night. She can pick out a prize.. Do this for 2 times, them extend it to 5 with an even bigger prize.. After 6 weeks straight, tell her you all will go to (suggestion) an amusement park or roller skating..

Once you move into the new house. Get a baby gate for the bottom of the stairs. Make sure you have a baby monitor in daughters room and make sure you have keyed locks for all doors leading outside.

You guys can do this.

There is no right or wrong as far as co-sleeping. Whatever works for your family is what is right. And it sounds like this situation isn't working for you anymore. Basically you and your wife are going to have to come to an agreement and be consistent about it for your daughter's sake. I think a really good heart to heart about why your wife wants her in bed with you, and why you don't, is in order. With no insults or accusations. If you guys can come to a compromise, great. But going back and forth and having to be the bad guy and getting undermined is not good. If your wife won't agree to something, you are probably going to lose this one because it is better that you don't keep trying to put your daughter in her bed and then getting overruled. But I agree with the poster below that said it will probably be soon that she wants her own bed anyway, so if you do lose the fight, at least it shouldn't be for too long. (For what it's worth, I'm in agreement with you on this one.)

Ideally, it would be great if you guys could agree to a bedtime routine and a new bedroom in the new house and fresh start. But start practicing now so she can get used to it. Like everyone said, make it a special thing for your daughter. Part of why I agree with you is because I think this transition should happen before the baby gets here so that your daughter doesn't feel replaced and angry towards the baby, and towards you guys. I hope it plays out that way. And having a 6 year old in the room with a round-the-clock waking newborn is not good for the 6 yr old. Does she go to school? I am pretty lax about bedtime, but my son is only 2. I know full well that I have to buckle down about bedtime for his sake when he is having to get up everyday. It is important for kids to be well-rested.

I am glad I am not the only person who finds it strange that your daughter still sleeps with POS dad in his bed. I sometimes think I am quick to jump to conclusions and that I am not trusting enough. But as soon as I read that part alarm bells went off in my head. I am not even saying anything is happening, I just think it is very inappropriate in an unsupervised environment like that. And I'm not a guy, but I think I would be uncomfortable with the situation if I was POS dad. I also thought visitations/custody issues required separate sleeping spaces. And regardless of laws or appropriateness, the two houses have to be on the same page as far as bedtime routine. He can't get a foldout couch for her?

I hope you guys can come to an agreement. It is hard for mommies to not have thier kids around them. And no one wants to sleep alone, not even 6 yr olds. Sleep issues were one thing I was so completely unprepared for before I had a kid. I never thought sleep could be so difficult. I wish you luck!

I have to say I am with your wife on this one. It's not that your daughter does not have a bed... but this little girl has been through a lot of turmoil and has a lot of turmoil ahead of her (birth of new sibling) and co-sleeping does facilitate bonding and security even in an older child.
I myself shared a bedroom (in my own bed) with my parents until about your daughter's age and turned out just fine as well! You will have to find something that both you and your wife can live with.
I also have a husband who is not fond of the concept, so our compromise was that after the first few months I moved into my daughter's room for part of the night (not all of it, but whenever it was needed or more convenient for her).
That way my husband and I got the sleep we needed (I went back to work FT) and our daughter felt safe and attached.

Your daughter is right on the cusp of that age where most children will prefer sleeping independently. I would just wait this one out. You can encourage her to sleep in her own bed, but I would not force it. After the initial time with her new sibling, she will probably become a little more independent all by herself.

Good luck.

Could you and your wife find a middle ground and compromise? I used to let my son sleep on a matt just outside our door. Some kids are just more fearful than others AND considering your wife was in a previous abusive relationship I would imagine she is transferring her feelings of fear onto her daughter. All pretty normal and workable. It may not be realistic to just send your little girl to her room at this point.

Why not see a family counselor for 2 or 3 visits to talk it out and get some ideas on how to manage this situation? With the new baby coming I wouldn't delay because any feelings of insecurity are likely to magnify.

Best of luck J.. You sound like a loving husband and Dad.

My husband and I don't believe in crying it out but really did not want the "family bed". You got to make a stance and the sooner the better. Neither way is wrong. We decided to enforce the sleep in your on bed rule and we now have a well adjusted 3 year old who sleeps wonderfully because of it. Hopefully, you and your wife can come to an agreement soon.

You are right, and Meaghan had some good advice. I'd like to speak to the POS sleeping arrangements. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my sister was 8. My dad lived in an apartment - bedroom, livingroom, kitchen, bathroom. At first we all slept in his big bed, but eventually he got a couchbed for the living room. We had our own sleep space and it didn't take up additional room in his apartment.

There are some really cool convertible pieces of furnitre - some are even chairs that turn into beds (http://www.sleepersofastore.com/IVG2/Y/CatID-4282-Chair-S...) for a variety of prices. If you all as a family can have a reasonable conversation with POS and maybe go on a little hunt for a bed for d, it could be a bonding event for everyone. She'll be "save" in her own bed in both locations. Hope that helps a little.