Help with Child That Lies

Hi Kim-
I can't say it's normal, but I can say it happens. When I was a kid, there was an abnormal circumstance that caused my to endure an amount of stress that as a child I was not prepared for. There was the death of a grandparent and the depression and attempted suicide of the other grandparent. The one was brought to live with us and because of mental instability, I became the brunt of much anger for her. Even though as an adult she and I made up and she went to counseling, this caused me to lean towards exaggeration to the point of lying for not only attention, but out of a desperate plea for someone to believe me, no matter what I said, because I felt like I needed to defend myself, prove myself, etc.
Here is what I think- your child is pressing their limits to see what they can get away with. Your son may also feel like he is not 100% a part of the family some days. It has nothing to do with how much you love him or treat him as your own, it's just that kids perceive things differently and over compensate, not having the adult sense to go with their childlike perspective. Whatever the cause, catching it early is huge, because it is an embarrassing and very hard to break habit once truly formed.
Will your son see a counselor? This may bring to the front the reason for his outlandish stories and lies and help him to be truthful when necessary and maybe redirect his "story telling" to a more creative path, like writing or poetry/story slams. This was a great outlet for me as a kid and has made a huge difference.
I hope this helps. It may also be a phase, but something tells me he is looking for attention for some reason. THe key is figuring out what that reason is and adjusting for it, so that the truth becomes more important than fabrication.
Good luck!
-E. M

Seven year olds do not have the same concept of lying as adults. They will make statements of things as they wish they were. Also, when they feel singled out they may deny what they are doing or the reason they did it. Please be careful of applying this label and instead focus on what may be causing the behavior. He could be experiencing some wishful thinking or not know how to respond when he feels singled out. Try to keep others from using this word "lying" to describe his behavior.

I have a 6.5 year old who was doing this a lot last year. He was avoid geting in trouble and also doing the 'tricking'. The responses youve gotten have been good, about how to explain it to him. We found that he needed consequences as well as explanations. we did the following:
* when he lied, we called him on it without yelling
* took away whole categories of toys (ex: all the playmobils) - wen tto the garage
* he had to earn them back by not lying for a whole day.
* it was important to not get into long back and forths about the lie itself - if you're sure, then that is that
* no yelling, just follow through
* lots of positive support - "Hey - you just told the truth! Good Job!", and if you see it coming, remind him as positively as you can - "Here's a test! You can tell the truth!"

You could adjust the consequences to make sense for you guys. We always have to have some kind of consequence. My take away with my son is that when we do this kind of intense monitoring, he is getting paid attention to a lot more and things straighten out in time. Good luck!

Dear K.,
I think all kids try lying at some point. It can be over something serious or not that serious at all.
I think my son was in the second grade when he brought me the thermometer one morning and told me I'd better check it because he was pretty sure he was really sick. I took one look at it and, (controlling my laughter) I said, "Hmmm, you let the water get a little too hot before running the thermometer under it."
I wish you could have seen the look on his face.
He asked how I knew.
I said, "Well, son, it was either the hot water trick or, according to this, I'm pretty sure you're really technically dead." The thermo said 116 or some ungodly thing.
It turned out they were doing STAR testing or something at school and he didn't want to go. I told him he should have just come out and told me that's how he felt so we could talk about it, but he still had to go, and I said, "Better luck next time trying to fool me...kids haven't invented any tricks I don't know about." It took that one incident for him to believe that I would figure things out. I told both of my children from the time they were little that if they told the truth, they may still get in trouble, (depending on the situation), but it would be a heck of a lot less trouble than if I found out they had lied on top of it.
Telling the truth and trust go hand in hand.
I think if you're having a problem with lying, you need to try to get to the bottom of why your son is doing it. Knowing the reason is only half the battle. You have to instill the ideas of integrity and the importance of being able to take his word for something. And you have to be consistant with following through when you catch him in a lie.
My son, who just turned 14, quit having anything to do with his best friend that was like a brother to him since they were 3 years old. Because of lying. That kid's own parents don't believe anything he says and will often ask my son what really happened at school or in class because they know he won't lie. No matter how many times they've busted their kid, they never do anything about it. He's been in trouble for lying at school and got detention. Mother went and yanked him out of detention and took him immediately to his karate class. She was mad at the teacher because detention was going to interfere with his karate activities instead of getting through to her son that it was his own actions that were the problem. She completely undermined what the teacher was trying to teach him and does the same thing when dad tries to discipline him. And they've been married for over 20 years with an older son that is a complete gem.
I hope you get some awesome advice and I really think it's great that you want to nip things in the bud before it gets out of hand. The story of the boy who cried wolf actually has an important lesson. If you make things up or tell stories or lie enough times, people will tend not to believe you when it really counts.

I wish you the very best!

Hi K.

I have one son that always blamed things on others. One day I sat down with him and discussed it that we all do things wrong, but to blame things on others is not right.
I then told him that when I saw him take the blame for his little wrong things I would be very proud and know he was growing up. It took only a few days and it happened. I told him I was very proud. Sometimes, to get a positive result-you have to be positive.

Good luck

He may be the one having the hardest time with the Blended Family even though you and hubby are doing everything you can to make the family cohesive, so maybe he needs a little more attention than the others. Make sure you do things with him alone, as well as with all the other children. Also, I always used the "boy that cried wolf" approach. I explained to my son many different instances in which he could end up in trouble because people didn't believe him because he has lied so much. I also explain to him that I want to always come in to a situation knowing that my child is telling the truth and I will always back him up as long as he is telling the truth. (now this may change in different situtations but for now it has worked-smile)I always talk to my son about telling the truth and how proud I am of him being so honest and how each honest day gives him another Mom trust day in life so when he gets older I will be able to one day trust him to go over to his friends house by himself etc. There are wonderful books on trust as well, you can ask a librarian to find or Google them.
The one thing you may have to find out to get to the root of the situation is what he is actually lying about. Is he telling stories to make his life seem more interesting is he lying about toys that he doesn't have? etc. and go from there. Good luck and God Bless.

Thanks for asking the question K.! I don't have an answer for you, but I am dealing with a similar issue from an aunts perspective:

I have a 3.5 y/o and her cousin (age 6) is lying a lot. They are around each other quite a bit and I am worried that my daughter will pick up on it. I am not sure what I can do because her parents responses are inconsistent and can range from loud public scolding to laughing it off.

My initial thought is to consult www.loveandlogic.com. They always have such wonderful and seemingly obvious strategies for dealing with parenting issues. They helped me through the terrible twos smoothly, potty training, and they have helped me teach my husband to use more positive and calm parenting strategies. I don't know what they say about lying, but I will let you know if I find anything good. Otherwise, Love and Logic is an incredible resource for any parent!

Sorry I don't have much help to offer. Good luck - I am with you on this one!

D.

Usually....he will be diagnosed with ADHD......BUT it sounds like he may have FASD (fetal alcohol syndrom disorder). Now don't get upset......he may not have anything, just needing attention and to feel important. I always look for reasons for behaviors......a lot of behaviors kids just can't handle without finding out if something has happened physically to them even before birth that puts more challenges on the situation. I will send an article, if I can figure out HOW to use the computer.
LTH

Hi K.,

I really like how (below) Rae explained that lying is like "tricking" someone. To a 7 yr old, that can really help him understand what he's doing.

NOW.....kids can lie for SILLY reasons, not just mean reasons. They will lie to NOT get into trouble (even over something little). They will also lie to get a reward that they've been trying so hard to get but cannot receive. They will simply lie for about anything they want badly, especially at 5,6,& 7 yrs old :o)

At 7, they can "trained back" to the loving child that they truly are :O) But, I would first take a look at myself, and my home. See what the struggle is for this 7 yr old to be lying in your home. Are rules too tough for him (even though they could be the same rules, every kid id different), etc..... Something in his life might have to be adjusted for him to NOT have to feel like lying.

Good Luck, K., it will all work out.........

~N. :o)

Different kids do it for different reasons. I can't tell you why yours does it from your letter. With mine it was usually avoidance of trouble/consequences, and I think they are mostly over it now. Oh--but one of them will sometimes lie in the sense that he comes up with general science "facts" and says them really confidently so he'll sound smart, but he just makes it up, or maybe he remembers things less accurately than he realizes...

I never lie to my kids ever, except as an obvious silly joke answer to a question---SO, I have tried explaining this and telling them why: because I respect them, and lying is something people do when they are trying to *trick* someone. It's what people do when they think the person can be fooled because they are not smart--so it is insulting someone to lie to them...plus it makes people not trust you any more, and makes them feel bad and not want to be around you. I'm not sure if the speech helped or not...but that's what I told them.

Another idea--If your son just tells whoppers randomly, instead of a lecture you could teach him a lesson. You could try this---as a family (maybe even bring a neighbor in on it)--all of you pick a day and you all tell crazy lies randomly when you are talking to him (about dinner, activities, homework, whatever), so that he can tell something is going on, and he won't know what is true and what isn't, and won't be able to get any straight answers from his family, or have a normal conversation with any of you. Of course, he might find it funny... or he might learn how frustrating it feels to be on the other side of the lies! If he doesn't like it, and asks why you are doing it, you could tell him that since he seems to have so much fun lying, you just all thought you wanted to lie, too. Then ask if he thinks it makes life easier or harder.

When I was a supervisor I was trained in giving discipline and feedback to suboordinates. First, you are suppose to find something positive (and truthful) that you can say about the person. then, you should state that there is a problem with the lying. tell him you don't think he is really aware how bad it makes others feel. Be specific on how it makes you feel. Cheated, dishonored, etc. Tell him it makes you sad, because you see so much potential in him that will go to waste, and how it could taint him. tell him you love him too much to allow him to disrespect himself and others like that, and only a bad parent who didnt love their child would allow it.Tell him it won't be tolerated and stick to your guns! The rod of correction works in future situations when he disobeys and lies again.

You can tell him you want to help him be the person YOU KNOW he is inside. Tell him you have watched him grow up and you know he is a sweet little man of honor and integrity, and has been beguiled by satan. The devil is persueding him to sin and your son is falling for it. Tell him he doesnt have to take it, and he can make the CHOICE to tell satan no, he's not going to be beguiled anymore. That he is going to stand up and be the person God said he is.
Point out some things your son has done that have been honorable, (selflessness, courage, helpfulness, generosity, humility, etc) tell him you know that lying will be an issue of the past for him, because you know he will rise to the occasion.

See, you are going to make sure he succeeds by giving him a new identity. Do your best to find ways that you can tell him how proud you are to be his mommy. Find the good in him and PRAISE HIM. He will soak it up. There is an old saying, "tell them they are, what you want them to become".
Start with things that he really does do well...and then you can move on to making "suggestion statements". Make sure to often complement him to others in his presence. Pride is a big motivator. I used these kinds of statements with my kids:
" Steven has such a giving heart" or Sarah is the best house cleaner, do you see how she cleans? I don't know how I would get by without her." "Lindsey you are going to be the pied piper of the neighborhood, look at how all the kids admire you. I bet it is because you are kind to them" These kind of statements said repeatedly re-enforce the child to believe in himself.The child will want to repeat the positive action to get more accolades.
* It really does work!