Hi all. I have a 17 year old who went to one high school and her choice of friends were not the best but i have tried to let her make her own decisions, she has since changed high schools and her friends now are borderline. My daughter is awesome shes an A/B Honor roll, works hard for her money and has a great personality, everyone loves her....My problem is she has a rich friend who is a lying drama queen who needs so much love and attention and we let this little girl stay here for a week and she done the same thing to me she done to her parents, stole from me, lied to me and on me and eventually went home to her parents and is starting her drama all over again. My daughter does not hold grudges (like i do) so has become this girls friend once again, im not too happy about this but trying to let her be herself. She also has another friend who is 17 and has a 1 1/2 year old daughter and believes she is pregnant again!!!! My daughters friends i have spoken about are messing with 24+ year old men!!! I hope i have instilled the proper morals in my daughter so that she does not follow the footsteps of these girls. Am i wrong in letting her make own decisions concerning her friends or should I step in and kind of monitor and limit her time with the friends I am not too fond of? Please help. My daughter is awesome and has a good head on her shoulders but I am scared one of these girls will make her believe that these older men will "love" her like she is so desperately trying to find love in boys her age. She has so many male friends and I love them all to death and she gets so "crushy" on some that she gets herself hurt by them going for other girls, she is somewhat of a big girl but very gorgeous(and is very happy with herself and her looks) and it bothers me some that she doesnt have a boyfriend but in high school she doesnt really need one she just needs to have fun. Am I being wrong about any of this? Sorry to ramble on and on and in circles but she is my 1st born and I wish they came with handbooks but they dont, great moms just start websites like this one. Please help.
AS for the shoplifting ordeal at Christmas time, she goes to court on the 10th to see if they can settle out of court or if she will go to Juvenille court or if court is after 1-28 (she will be 18) if they will see her as an adult. Wish me luck. To this day she has been so apologetic because the only thing I could say to her was I disappointed in her and that hurt her worse than any punishment because she is on probation for her driving and she knows that she could face 30days to 1 year in jail for this mishap. Thanks again for all your advice. Happy New Years
Thanks for all the wonderful advice. Now here is a new issue. I got a call from the police last night and my daughter was arrested for shoplifting!!!! I was so upset I cried all the way to the mall and no need to punish her cause she will be 18 next month, so all I did was tell her how disappointed I was in her and her having to wait with the police for me to get there and wonder what I would do..... was punishment enough I think, but then again the store did press charges, misdemeanor theft by unlawful taking. So where did I go wrong in raising her? Thought I did a good job but obiously this is a rebellion in some way.
you are not wrong on anything, I would kinda monitor her time with friends just so she doesn't get the wrong idea about older guys. She sounds like a great kid and sounds like you have brought her up the right way. But just keep talking to her and explaining to her about the older guys and let her know that there is the right guy for her out there and when the time is right he will come along.
M.,
I'm 28 and a I have two girls 4 and 1, with one on the way. I was out of control as a teenager. My poor mom had a terrible time with me. I did't steal except for the occasional ten here and there. I did however have a bad choice in friends as well as boyfriends. I dated older guys too. I drank and I tried a couple of drugs (pot), but my mother kind of put the fear and anxiety about drugs into me. It sounds like your daughter is doing ok for herself though. She is 17 so it will be kind of hard to filter out some of her friends. Make sure she finishes school and keeps those grades up. Just keep letting her know the difference between right and wrong. Those older boys are trouble and they won't get her anywhere. Keep her away from them!! I guess what I'm trying to say is I didn't so much follow my girlfriends, but when I had one of those older boyfriends thats when the problems started. Get her off to college and stay involved with her life as much as possible. Show her you love her (keep being a good mom like you have been), let her know you're always there. When it comes down to it with all you've instilled in her she will make the right choice. She won't want to let her wonderful mom down. Sorry I rambled. Good Luck M.!
My daughter will be 17 in March so I know where you are coming from. All we can do is hope and pray for the best.We can teach them right from wrong but hopefully they will listen.I would not let little miss drama queen stay with me agagin if shes lying and causing all that trouble because that is a dangerous person.She could get you into all kinds of trouble.Its hard when you dont agree with their choice of friends but like I told my daughter if I find out that they're doing drugs or anything ,she wont be going back out with them or staying with them.My daughter told me I was nosey and I told her that is my job.If I suspect, them im gonna snoop.I also have a 14 yr old son too.
U r not wrong to want the best for your child but if u try to step in and tell her not to hang out with them, it'll probably totally backfire. I speak as one who was once told and learned how to be sneakier. Your daughter will do what she feels right and make her own mistakes. Talk to her about her friends and explain to her that u r concerned for them. Not that u r afraid that she will be like them. Keep it open and don't force your help on her. If she's doing good now, chances r she'll continue to do so. Hope everything works out.
P.S. I dated older guys too. My husband is 8 yrs older than me.
I agree with Debbie. Let your daughter know where you stand on her friends' actions without being pushy or telling her that she can't hang out with them. Trying to limit her time with them or telling her that you don't approve of her choice of friends will only make her resent you. (My mom did that with me, so I speak from experience.) If you truly believe that she's a good kid, then let her prove you right. A little guidance goes a long way. If you start trying to rein her in (when she may not be doing anything wrong in the first place), she's only going to rebel against you.
Do NOT step in her life and start making choices for her concerning her friends. Basically our job as parents is to prepare our kids to live in the real world and prepare them to make the decisions in their lives, by using their best judgment. While they're still living with us, it's our opportunity to allow them to mess up because at their ages, the lessons are cheap, not like when they're out in the real world. What I mean is, if you allow her to get hurt by these friends she's choosing, then when she's out on her own, she's less likely to get caught up with someone with low morals and who can get her in trouble, and the trouble won't be with mom and dad, it will be the law. You could say something like "Boy, that's too bad that your friend ruined the beginning of her adult life by allowing herself to get pregnant. What do you think she's going to do now?" See what she says and you could say something like "Wow, I just can't imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't been able to enjoy my early twenties and get my degree. What are you going to do to make sure that you don't get in that kind of trouble?" That way, you're not lecturing her, but rather, leaving the decisions in her hands, while letting her know that it's something that ruins lives. Like, with the stealing, instead of getting mad at her friend, force your daughter to take responsibility for her by saying, "well, it looks like your friend stole $25 from us, plus $10 for the items she took. How would you like to pay me back? Do you want to pay me back now, or should I just take it out of your allowance?" This forces her to make better choices. It teaches her that if she's going to hang out with friends who do things like that, she's just as responsible for their behavior as they are. This will make her think twice about inviting her over to your house again too. There are so many ways that we as parents can get through to our kids, and the ways don't involve yelling and lecturing. Just try to use a creative way and make it fun and rewarding to both of you. You get your money back, and probably get rid of any chances of that girl ever coming back to your house, and your daughter learns that the people she chooses to be her friends affect her life by involving her in their schemes. The next time, if it ever comes up, that she asks if her friend can stay the night, make sure you say something like "well, since you've paid off the things she stole from last time, sure she can, but I'll be keeping track of things that may come up missing and if you can't afford to pay for them, than I'll be finding things in your room to take that will cover the cost."
I just read your "what happened". That really sucks. Children have to learn consequences. Thank goodess it happened before she turned 18. If I were you, I wouldn't discipline her about it, because she'll get disciplined by the law, but I would maybe say "wow, that really sucks because now you'll have to face the court. What are you going to do? Do you have any ideas yet on how you'll pay for it all?" That way, she makes the decisions and suffers her own consequences.
hey M....
I dont think you are wrong to let her make her own choices of friends, i would be cautious about the girl stealing, and just let your daughter, know that you dont want her to hang out with her and do not want her at your home...if your daughter know right from wrong, then just say a prayer everyday that she continues to do the right thing she will get tired of these friends and how they are, if not,,, hopefully she keeps a smart head ...as for the male friends that is good, let her know that tru love will come whn the time is right, male friends are great, wish i still had the ones i once did, they stick up for to other men, and take care of you, but from experience, dont make good lovers, if they have been friends, for awhile.,..yes your lover needs to be your best friend, but they need to grow together as friends and lovers...the pregnant friend...be there for her but dont follow her footsteps make something of herself first...men and ove will come later...hope that hleps,,,keep in touch...talk to you soon aobut our moms group
L.
She will be 18 soon. At that point she has to be responsible for her own actions. She needs experience with this responsability. Now you've raised her and taught her right from wrong already. At this point it's not your job to decide for her who her friends should be, but to guide her. Let her know of anything that could harm her as a result of her friendship with these girls and then let it go and let her make the final decision. Example: you may tell her that if this girl steels while they're out somewhere together then she could get arrested as well for being an accessory to the fact...even if she didn't have anything to do with it. You can also tell her that this girl is not welcome in your home...after all...it is your home. But if she continues to hang with this girl...well...she may end up learning the hard way, but she will learn. As far as the pregnant girl...she's the least of your worries...just because she's pregnant doesn't mean that your daughter will think it's cool and get pregnant. She may feel bad for this girl as most of this girl's friends have probably bailed on her...and watching this girl with her baby that she already has, will just make her think "I am so not ready for this". I was 18 when I got pregnant with my first one. At 16 I had a few friends that had babies and I saw how hard it was for them so I waited until I was married.
Hi M.,
BEEN THERE DONE THAT. My daughter went through the same type of issues. What you need to realize is that she does have a good head on her shoulders, but sit down and tell her everything you have concerns about. Make her aware that you trust her but sometimes "friends" can lead them down the wrong path and anytime she has issues or questions she can come to you without fear of retribution or critizism. Use any opportunity to tell her this over and over without being pushy. Tell her when you think she has made a great decision. She will know that you really care.
Good Luck, Deb
