Help with 10Y/o Boy Who Lies About EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

You may need to take him to a licenced professional counselor and get to the root of the problem. He is acting out in anger and frustration. Help him professionally.

Try using nanny-cams to catch him in the act. A lot of the time, kids lie because they know you don't have any proof they're lying. At least w/the nanny-cams you can first gather the evidence then confront him. If he lies again, tell him you have proof. If he still denies it then show him the footage. Hopefully this will prove to him that you DO know he lies & will catch him in the act. Be aware though he may say "well that's only once" so you may want to gather more than one day of evidence to confront him. You may want to confront him, he lies, say okay. Gather more evidence then after several times of catching him THEN bring the evidence to light. Also, keep in mind once he knows you have cameras, he may start looking for the cameras if he's left alone for a period of time so you may want to move the cameras or remove them for a short time til you think he's not looking for them. Also, if you know for a fact the other mom is allowing him to lie or making him think it's okay to lie, you may want to consider only allowing supervised visits w/the other mom til this gets resolved. Also, something to consider, is he trying to fit in w/a certain clic at school? Maybe he stole from the teacher's desk to proove he's worthy of the other kid's attention. Sometimes kids do things like that to try & be friends w/other kids that maybe don't think he fits in w/their group unless he prooves himself. Just something to consider anyway. I hope this suggestion helps. Good luck.

Good luck because I haven't seen anyone change when they set there ways. Maybe someone knows something out there to hlep you other thatn counseling to see whats so wrong and the craving of negative attention for himself.

I have a lot of experience with lying. I was a federal agent and always performed interrogations on suspected criminals. Adults will lie just as often as kids when they know they have done something wrong. They will lie about little things just as easily as about big things. Lying is about guilt and fear and is a very natural reaction...especially if you feel cornered.

Obviously this boy has his own reasons for doing things and that is what you need to focus on. Try to understand his motivations for things. Kids, even ten year-olds have a need for instant gratification. While they know there will be consequences, sometimes their desires take over. Sometimes it is just because they think it is neat or funny to do something, or it can be to strike out at someone else. Lets look for a second at the motivation to take the food. Was it food that he normally isn't allowed to have? Was he trying to spite you because you somehow "wronged him?" Was it something that a sibling really likes that he was trying to "take away" from the sibling? Was he just hungry and forgot to ask? Any of these can seem like a good idea and rational to take the food at the time. Of course after the fact, when you ask him about it, he realizes you wouldn't be asking if it weren't a problem, and then he is afraid what might happen to him.

My daughter lied to me yesterday. When I came in the computer room, she put her hand over the screen. I was apalled and asked her what she was hiding. It took forever, but turned out to be nothing more than the fact that she had registered an account on a pre-teen website, but hadn't checked with me...which after the fact, she realized she was supposed to have done. I simply told her it really hurt my feelings that she lied to me and that I wasn't mad about the website. I reiterated WHY I had that rule (pedophiles, inappropriate materials on the web) and then I left it alone with the statement...make sure you remember to ask me before registering on sites again.

There are a few ways to combat this lying.
1. Make sure your son feels that he is living in a safe environment where he can trust you. (This means toning down the punishments...that is what he fears in the first place.)
2. Never ask IF he did something...you are just setting him up, especially if you already know that he did it (Then it will just make you mad and antagonistic (and scary)). Ask him "why" he did it. Keep asking why until he admits what he has done and then back off once he tells you. Praise him for being honest EVEN IF HE HAS LIED TWENTY TIMES TO GET THERE! Let him see that you care about what he has to say and that you want to try to understand him.
3. I have instilled a policy of milder or no punishment if someone admits what they have done. Then we talk about why it was a bad choice and how not to make that choice again. Now if it is something like drinking or using drugs, that is a big deal that requires punishments, but punishments can be reduced for honesty.

Good luck and let us know what happened.

My daughter lied so much until several months ago. One day I broke down crying before school and told her how much it hurt me that she lied. It really impacted her to see me that upset ( I mean I was really hurt!). I rarely catch her in a lie now. I wish I had known to break down a long time ago!Good luck. I know how stressful that is. I was really embarrassed because I knew other people knew she was lying.

I know that around age 10, many children will begin to lie. It is common. What happens is they end up telling a few lies that they don't get caught in. They realize that sometimes they get away with a lie and they begin to lie more. Watch out for "the big lie" sometimes they back themselves into such a tunnel that they create "a really big lie" to get themselves out. Some become pathological liars. I know it is a really bad habit that is hard to get under control. Somewhwere they must suffer severe concsequence as a result of a lie, or get lied to themselves where it really hurts.
Prayer changes things, pray for God to send the spirit to fill the boy with the truth of God and to bind the spirit of
falsehood in his life, ask God to remove his heart of stone and give him a heart of flesh. Sometimes it is a spiritual problem not a behaviorial problem. God bless you.

My son often resorts to lying so I know what you are going through. He was recently diagnosed with ADD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I know that talking to him is useless. He is not a bad kid but his decision making process is a little off. I would recommend taking him to a child qualified counselor and maybe participating in some family therapy. It does not mean anything is wrong with any of you, but if his bio mom advocates lying I am sure the poor kid probably has a lot of other conflicts he is dealing with that may be manifested in his behavior at home and at school. Find a good counselor and I am sure your son and the whole family for that matter will benefit in time. Good luck!

R.,

I had this situation with my niece who would do little things and tell big lies about it. It didn't make sense to me accept that I thought she was just trying to stay out of trouble when things happened. the family was tired of this and she was otherwise a great child. I sat her down and asked if she thought any of us would love her any less because she sometimes made mistakes? I told her it was normal to be a kid and do things that were wrong ~ but lying on top of it would only make it worse. I looked her dead in the eye and told her..."honey, I will ALWAYS love you no matter what you do. Do not ever be ashamed. Try your best and ALWAYS be honest no matter what." That actually worked! She no longer lies and is now a very honest 13 year old. Mostly they lie out of fear. My son's father is a compulsive lier and when I left his dad, I found that he too lied. I had to get help from the school counselor and a pastor at our church to help with this. It was a learned behavior, much like you're descibing with your step-son. Could be either - or...he is either afraid and unsure of himself with his new family situation, or it is learned.

Hope I helped a little ~ and I hope you can get this under control. It sounds like you and your husband are handling it great! Good luck.

My 7yr. old son has episodes of lying. I think my son is just testing his bounderies and/or trying to our get attention. We use to spend the majority of the evening discussing his behavior. Now we have him write in a notebook all of his lies 5 times each and each time he whines or has fit about writing them we add 5 more. The first time we had him do this he ended up writing them 20 times each. This way he gets to see how one lie has turned into many lies and what actions he took to cover up those lies and he also gets to see that the truth would have been much better. My husband also gives three spankings for each lie which has made my son stop and re-think his story. My son might start off with a lie but quickly say "let me re-think what really happend" and tell the truth. As far as trying to get our attention his "Gifted and Talented" teacher suggested writing a family journal. She suggested having my son write a few sentences each night then pass it on to a parent or all family members to respond or add something to it. She also suggested using this as an opportunity to praise him for things done well or express your feelings in a positive way if he did something that was not pleasing. Don't forget to make it fun too(add jokes, draw funny pictures, decode secret messages). I hope this helps.

Oh my goodness someone else is going through the same thing!!! I also have a 10yo step-son which lies to his mom and my husband... My husband is slowly coming around and seeing what he is doing BUT his mom continues to blame the school or my girls for any and everything that he does wrong. I can't give you any advice but I sure do need the some!

I really hope everything works out with your new family.
It sounds like you are really stressed out about the situation!
It is really frustrating when you are working so h*** o* something ,(like trying to make a new family work!) and you run into something like this. I mean you didn't raise him to be like this, but you're the one who is having to deal with the consequences!
I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this and I hope it works out for you!
It sounds like you have already tried the punishment route, I would try being VERY LOVING TO HIM!
Think about how much better you respond to love than fear. I bet he's the same. He is probably very upset himself right now and could use someone who, no matter what he does, will believe in him(notice I didn't say believe him!)that they see him as someone who knows how and why to make good choices . Good luck-Angela

Slow down and take a breath. Working with kids it should be no surprise to you that a lot of what is going on may be due to you just stepping in as mom. I am sure you had a relationship prior to the wedding, but it is different from a kids eyes. I work with military children and am in the process of adopting, so this is an easy one. Yes he got in trouble at school and didn't tell you. No kids wants to tell mom and dad when they mess up, and yes they will hide it. Not to lie but because the truth is not what they want people to think of them. Maybe your husband and you need to take a step back and give him a chance to redeem himself. Let the past be just that. It happened yesterday and today is a new day. Otherwise he will never have the chance to do the right thing because you will always believe the worst. And remember he came from his mother but he isn't his mother. Anything that she has thought him you can undo with love . Not without time and many tears, but that is what loving a child is all about. So hang tough and remember the rewards of healthy loving children. You may want to get some professional help, someone for not only him but everyone to talk to about this new chapter in your lives. It will make things alot better to work through them,so then you can become a person he loves and truest, and you can love and truest him.

He may have picked up the bad habit from his mom. You and your husband should sit with him and explain that there's no reason to lie and that you love him no matter what. Also, spend lots of time with him and the other children. Maybe he's not getting the attention he needs. Try spending one-on-one time with him; whether it's going to the park (get on the swing or the sliding board) or just talking in general. When you 'listen' to what he has to say, he'll began to open up about all things, and don't be 'quick to anger' if he says something that upsets you. It could be that you are his stepmom and not his mom. Form a bond with him, but don't buy his love. THE MOST IMPORTANT IS TO PRAY FOR HIM and you will see a difference.

I had to go through some of this with my ex and my son. Luckily my son was still young so it was wasy to scare him straight. I told him how it's not good to lie and how it hurts God's feelings and it hurts mommy's feeling to know that he wasn't being honest. With a 10 yr old that may or may not work. Yesterday I was listening to one of the radion stations and they were actually talking about how to deal with a child who lies. One of the stories I heard that may help you was after finding out that her son lied to her a lady told her son that she was taking him to Pfiesta Texas just the 2 of them even went so far as to drop off younger siblings at grandmas and began driving. After a big hype and few minutes of driving she told him that she lied about going to Pfiesta Texas and she did it because he lied to her. She then asked him if he liked her lieing to him because that's how she felt when he lied to her. She said he hasn't lied since and that was several years ago. Either way he has to know that it is not exceptable to lie and there are consequences to lieing. Good Luck!

16 years ago I found myself in the same situation. My step son would lie about everything for no reason...At least I thought it was for no reason at the time. Later (in life) he told me he lied for the attention and to avoid getting in trouble; something he was use to before I came along. It took a long time and alot of heart to heart talks and personal one on one time with him to break the habit. Some of it came from jealousy of his younger siblings, but by allowing him to participate he learned to open up. The more he got in trouble the more lying and acting out he did.

Take it one step at a time. Get to know him and maybe find someone else he can talk with that he doesn't feel threathen by. It takes time, but it can be done. And make sure the punishment warrants the actions. Sometimes in the heat of the moment we as parents tend to over punish. Children have a way of adapting to our punishment and rationalize them before their actions are even taken.

I know how hard this is. I was a child liar.....my mother often made the comment that she couldn't trust me to even tell her that the sky was blue. I did eventually outgrow it (for the most part!!!)

You say that his mother is also a habitual liar. Something that I discovered with my firstborn......we as parents TEACH our children to lie. I remember the first time my son lied. He was 3 yrs old and alone in another room with his 3 yr old friend. All of a sudden she started screaming and came running to me. She showed me her arm that had teeth marks on it saying that he had bitten her. I called him in and asked him...."Did you bite her?" I could see it in his eyes......"wow, mom doesn't know that i did it cuz she wouldn't ask if she knew. If I say no I'll get out of trouble!!" Of course he said no. I was the stupid one I knew he did it and then trapped into lying. So now I was punishing him for biting & lying...not smart!! Then when he was in the 3rd grade he made a habit of lying about his homework, his grades, etc.....and they were stupid lies that he KNEW he'd get caught in. So I blew up and yelled that he was not allowed to EVER lie again until he could do it better! That there was NOTHING in this world he couldn't say to me openly and honestly. As long as he told the truth we could handle the situation, we couldn't handle it if we had to deal with lies too. My point of this long message is his lying is a learned behavior. Open communication and unconditional love worked in my home. Good luck.

Hello R.
I don't know if you and your family go to church, but if you don't that will be a great start. If you do, you can help him understand how God hates a liar. He despises lies. Proverbs 6:16-19 tells us what kind of people and things God hates. Also in the book of Revelation 22:12-15, it tells us how liars will be left outside. Lying is unhealthy as well as wrong and inexcuseable, it can even get someone hurt or killed. We must understand how dangerous it is and should not be taken lightly. So I understand your serious concern. Be prayerful and know, God can do anything but fail. My daughter was a habitual liar when she was young, (now 25) one thing I did before God truly delivered her, was, changed the way I confronted her, instead of asking her if she did it, I would ask her why she did it. It helped a little, but what truly helped was when God changed her heart, she was about 9 yrs old at the time.

Dear R., when my child started acting out in school and wouldn't stop, no amount or style of punishment made one bit of difference in the terrible behaviors. The school counselor told us to take our child to a family counselor. We used a great guy the teachers highly recommended. He wound up finding out about all kinds of family dynamics that we didn't even realize. He talked to all of us as a family to see how we interracted, then one at a time. Issues came out that blew my mind. Like the way our other kids were misinterpreting issues. For instance we didn't tell the younger children what their older sib had done. They knew something big was wrong but because we didn't talk to them, they thought we approved of the behavior but just hated the kid. The counselor gave us great family rules to live by. He told my husband and me to work out a united front privately, then support each other with it so the kids couldn't play us against each other. We didn't have the extra complication of a blended family like you do. Reading all kinds of self help books only helped me, but didn't make the kids open up. I'll never regret going to family counseling. It will make you all stronger. Love, C.

Hi R.,
I had the same experience w/ my daughter who is 15.I finally resorted to counseling.She and i went to counseling to learn how to communicate w/each other and to address her not telling the truth.Counseling HELPED us tremendously.she still has her moments but she learned in counseling how to corrct herself when it arises.For the most part we have communication when before i couln't get anything out of her or her response would be "i don't know" Counseling helped her to learn ways to deal w/situations and to learn to communicate w/me.She at first went w/the attitude that she wasn't going to participate but she finally came around knowing i wasn't going to give up on counseling.Here in town theirs a place called Life Works located through out the city.They have a grant right now for kids or teens and no money has to come out of your pocket.You should really consider letting in a 3rd party to help you deal w/this situation.I hope i could help some.I just know what we got out of counseling and the benefit it out comes.

First of all, I can totally understand your frustration. Working full-time with kids, a new marriage, and having 4 kids is a lot to deal with, especially when 3 of them are your step-children. Ten is a tough age, and add that to the fact that you have to work with another household where "Mom" lives makes it even tougher. She may be experiencing some amount of guilt (regardless of what kind of person she is) and therefore make allowances for behavior that ordinarily wouldn't fly under different circumstances. It sounds like he's trying to get attention, in any way he can. The problem is that he doesn't know how to get the right kind. My best advice is to make yourself available to your new son (and all of the children) as a mother. Now that you have 4, it's even more imperative that they each get individual attention. I'm not a supporter of being "friends" with your kids, because there is a definite line that separates being a friend from a parent's responsibilities; however, that doesn't mean you can't develop a fun, loving, trusting relationship based on respect...on both ends. Children, even though they're young, need to feel like they are being heard too. Ask him questions that don't have a consequence; have a conversation based on his interests one-on-one, so there aren't any distractions. Lying comes from fear, and his world is turned upside-down right now - so he may be experiencing some fear from his new situation. Your place in this is to calm his fears so he knows that he has a safe place to fall, and he needs to be allowed to make mistakes sometimes, but not manipulate you. Even though it's easy to forget sometimes, we need to remember that children learn from what we teach them, but also from what they are absorbing from their environment.

I was a nanny several years ago for a couple of kids; I still keep in touch with them and their dad, and became friends with his new wife. Their parents divorced while I was working for them, and each remarried. The mother was a lot like your husband's ex sounds, and the dad's new wife became an instant mother (ready or not), inheriting all the baggage that came with them. She and Richard made a pact to give stability to the kids, since that was what they needed most. No matter what the circumstances at the mother's house were, they made sure to have routine, structure, compassion, and especially LOVE for the kids, no matter what. Believe it or not, it worked. And the coolest thing is that they were able to take what they learned at their dad's house over to their mom's (which to this day, remains unstable). Kids are kids, and they will make mistakes - adults make mistakes all the time, but don't get nearly as severe consequences for their actions. Establish love and trust, and the rest will follow.

"Be the example you wish to see in the world"~ Gandhi

I wish you a loving, peaceful home,
M.

i am in the same boat but with a 5 year old. can not figure out why she lies. we are now taking things away from her. she does not like having her tv taken away so that is what we are doing right now. teacher says she seems to be doing better. we are keeping our fingers crossed.

It sounds like he needs counseling and that the divorce has affected him. I think if he doesn't get the counseling soon, the lying will become even worse,since other measures like grounding,etc. are not working. Have the school conselor give you suggestions as to where to take him for counseling. Hope this helps!

I feel for you! I have 3 step children also, and the youngest one sounds the same as yours. I would honestly recommend seeing a counselor. I wish that my stepson would have got counseling before the worst of the trouble started. I am not trying to scare you but that is how it started for us. Everything was a lie and it could have been as small as did you eat the last cookie or do you have homework. The lying was just the beginning and when her turned 13 is just got worse. We actually had to take him out of public school and do an all boys boarding school because it just got to bad. He has since been diagnosed as having Asperger syndrome. I don't know if diagnosing it earlier would have helped. He basically knows what he is doing is not right but since it benefits him then it is ok. Everything is an argument, and no matter what he does, it is always someone else's fault. If we did not have the "rule" then he would not have lied or disobeyed, so therefore it is our fault for having the "rule".
Like I said, I don't want to scare you, I just think you should take it seriously.

Does he see is bio mom all the time? If so you should talk to her and let her know you want that behavior to stop. There are rules in this world that you have to live with and lying about everything is wrong. Stress to her that your trying to get your son on the right path and she needs to help by not allowing him to lie. Secondly dont worry about the small lies yet, but deal with the big ones at hand. Explain to him that even if he gets in trouble for telling a lie he gets into bigger trouble for lying about a lie. He maybe on the thinking path that if he lies and gets away with it hes the good boy that you want him to be, and is lying about everything to show you that he is a good boy all the time.
Instead of going down the path of "why did you do that" say something like "ok I saw you do that, now why". If he says he doesnt know...keep at it... saying you know why you did that now tell me the truth.
Or go with the "you have one chance to tell me the truth" speech.

my oldest daughter use to lie about everything and talk back with everything I said. She lives in three different homes. I used this approch with her and now she knows she has one chance to tell the truth or she gets in bigger trouble. Her fav. line is "I dont know". As for the talking back....well we are still working on that.

I hope this helps you some but if not there is always councling that may shead some light as to why he is always lying.

Dont let the cps thing scare you into not punishing you son. Your not leaving bruses on him, nor are you tourchering him, your not useing anything other than your hand, and your doing it on his butt.

I am a firm believer that the reason why this world today is so messed up is because we are not doing what our parents did to us by teaching us their ways and by us using them on our children. Parents today are letting the governments run their house hold.

I think what you are doing with your child is good for him letting him know it is not ok for him to lie.

i would simply take things away and tell him everytime he lies something gets taken away and if he continues to lie then u could go another route....with mine he did kinda the same thing he would get in touble and not tell me or not give me the notes... well being that i use to work at a juvy center for kids i got some of my co workers to put the fear in him and locked him up in a special cell that we would put kids when they would act bad they told him since he wanted to lie and be bad that this could be his outcome they showed him the life of a liar and where they can end up if they continue to do the things he did.....im not tell u to do this for your child cause it may not work on all kids but my child today is in the 5th grade and he is doing great and on the A..B honor roll....he was in the 4th grade when he was miss behaving ...so ever since his little adventure he has been doing great....

Essay time! I have a 10 year old who also begin the lying stuff. We tried grounding, spanking , etc. When I decided to make him write an 1000 word essay (plus still being grounding from swim team, scouts and video games) he put an end on it. If your son is stealing food, how about a essay about the importance of a healthy diet? Trouble in school, write an essay about the importance of a good education and being responsible and honest. Check it for grammar and content and if it is not up to standard- make it redo the paper. Plus the lying may be an attention getter. Newly married parents, double household rules (yours and his mom) more siblings- try giving attention for good behavior too. Give him a goal- no lies for a week, give a special treat like an ice cream shop visit. Rewarding for something he should do anyways may be a buy off but he may need to know tht acting good gets more attention than bad. Good luck.

Well, let me tell you first I feel your pain. My neice lives with us and she also lies about everything! But, both of her parents are habitual liars, so she comes by it honestly. My advice to you is call him on everything. Yes it gets exhausting, but eventually you start to see some change. My neice does still lie but it's getting better. I also take away privelages but just one for each offense. I hope this helps. Just be diligant, because eventually his friends will label him a liar and it will hurt him socially.

This is not a solution actually i am having the same problem with my 10 yr old daughter and she gets it from her dad i think he lies just to hear himself lie and its so frustrating that i have run out of ways to make her tell the truth so any suggestions other than the ones you have tried pls pass on

I am going through the same thing with my son!! We have sat down with him and explained to him that we don't trust him anymore.. And we truly don't. When he tells us something, we will say " how do we know you are telling the truth when you lied about ...." It's almost like it's a game with them..to see what they can get away with. I don't have a solution for you, but I can feel your pain!! I'm going to read other people who respond to your post- hopefully I'll get some ideas myself.

Find a good child therapist.

The response from Heather was very good & so I'll not say much more.

Kids need security. You have just married his dad. I have seen lots of times where the father's children from his previous marriage play second fiddle to the new family. It is hard, especially on the boys & especially if the mother is filling their heads with bad ideas about the new wife.

I would choose a calm moment to impress upon him that you only have his best interests at heart. Tell him that you want to support him, but you need to be able to believe what he says.

Of course, you have to genuinely mean this. I'm not saying that you don't, just that I could see myself falling into that trap, especially with stepkids. I can only imagine what it must be like to try and care for kids that someone else has raised. In lots of ways they are strangers to you.

My advice: Get to the root cause of why he is doing what he is doing. Just punishing the end result is not going to work.

I have given this advice before (to another mom) and please bear with me, don't just dismiss it. Have you tried lying to him about something really big! hold out on the lie until he really believes it and is looking forward to it (like a trip to Disney world, or a place that he would really like to go or something that he would really like to have!) and then at the last minute when his heart is really set on it tell him you were just lying and wanted to show him how it feels to be lied to! Yes it will break his heart and he will be angry with you, but isn't that the point? you have tried everything else, he needs to know how it feels to be lied to and how hurtful it is, and the need for trust within a family. once he really gets it, and stops lying, maybe you can reward him with that thing that you lied about or something else that he really wants to do. Yes it's drastic, but lying is an unacceptable behavior and breaks down the trust in a family, and he needs to know that it can have serious consequences. Best of luck to you

It sounds as though your step-son is trying to get attention, but using negative behavior instead of positive. Be sure to praise his positive behavior (catch him being good!) Also, he is probably confused about the value of lying. His mother uses it and accepts it as an o.k. behavior. However, his Dad and you do not. Perhaps individual and family counseling would help. Be clear and consistent. Also, The Austin Child Guidance Center offers counseling on a sliding scale and they are excellent. Another thought I had was that if the behavior has already been dealt with in school (ISS), then you do not have to go overboard with punishing him at home. You do not want his life to seem like a constant punishment. Re-enforce the school's actions, but do not make his life a miserable one. Try to set up a system where he can do chores at home for rewards. Have him help choose the rewards. Anyway, I am a special ed. teacher, a parent , and a grandparent and have dealt with many similar problems to this. I know it is not easy. Good luck. Let me know what happens. J. K.

This may not be of any help to you, but I just read a really great article about lying.

http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

Good luck to you.