Help! What Do I Do About Temper Tantrums?

Dear G.,
Don't know if this will work for you,but what I was told just walk away from them. They are doing this to get what they want. And when that don't work they will quit.Sometimes it is very hard to do. But it will work. If you don't want to walk away. Just don't pay any attention to them or give them what they want.
Good luck
J. G

G.,
I had this problem a few times and it was easier for me to leave the store. I couldn't handle all the screaming in public. Have you tried bringing along some graham crackers or some other kind of snack.

First of all, don't be embarrassed. It happens to all of us. If people don't understand, who cares?! Next, stay calm, stop the cart, tell her you will not move until she calms down, and just wait. She will stop when she realizes she isn't getting a reaction.

It's her age. She is most likely very frustrated at her own lack of ability to communicate to you what she is feeling at the time. Is she bored? Hungry? Tired? That's usually what will lead to a meltdown.

Punishment or ignoring her will simply further her frustration and lead to more melt downs - leading to your further frustration as well.

Your first "defense" is avoidance in the first place. Make sure you have a snack and drink with you at all times, and make sure she has had a little nap before going. One thing I always did was keep a toy that mine only got to see every once in a long time, and give it to them in the cart. I had about 4 of these toys, and rotated them so that they were almost new to her whenever we went to the store. Those little mini doodle pros are one of the biggest hits with our kids. Any toy that keeps them busy for a long time works good, though - as long as it is new to them. (a friend goes to the toy section and gets a toy that her kid can play with from there every time, cause she could not afford to buy them, and this worked perfectly)

If she still has a meltdown, you can swaddle her and hold her and make the "shhhhh" sound very calmly for a while until she calms down. Then, encourage her to show you what is wrong, once she is okay again. I always held my kids and supported them through a meltdown, because it is terrifying for them as well. Their brains are not able to handle things as adults are, and the kids do not understand what is happening to them. They're too young to have the self control of an adult. You teach it to them by helping them calm down in a gentle and loving way. Doing this, my daughter (who has always been hyper active) only had meltdowns for about a year. My friend's kids were still having them at 5, while my daughter stopped before 3. She has amazing self control as a 6.5 year old.

One thing to remember is that punishing a child under the age of 5 is pointless. People do it all the time, but it does not work. The reason it does not work is because their brains have not developed the ability to understand that they are "judged" yet. Once they develop that ability, a switch goes on and they start gaining an amazing amount of self control, etc. (I learned this from Neurology) In order to help their brains develop these skills, you gently support them through that development and it will make a HUGE difference. Guiding them, redirecting them, and preparing them will work wonders now and in the future.

Best of luck!
Teri

ps, adding on:
At this age, they do not understand that they have the ability to "manipulate" you, so they are not trying to "push your buttons" or see how far they can go, etc. They are not doing this because they want attention, etc either. They do not have that ability yet. All they know is that something upset them and their body went out of control. I think of it as being similar to me crying at a sad movie. I do not intend to cry at a sad scene, and I am not doing it for attention. I wish I could stop it from happening, but I do not know how. She's still a baby. She relies on you to guide her and help her understand what is going on, and how to communicate. Not being able to communicate your needs is terribly frustrating. (imagine being in another country and not knowing the language, but needing to pee, or a drink, or food really bad. When you try to communicate this to people, they don't understand you. You have a need, but can't seem to figure out how to get it met. You finally just start crying because nobody seems to understand you. That's what your baby is feeling, and they don't have the power or knowledge yet to deal with it effectively.

My boys tried that on me and I stood there and clapped and said that for that performance they would not get________ (whatever they wanted). I also told them later that was rude...or made them look silly...and pointed out how it made me not want them with me. Once they knew they got the opposite of what they wanted they quit. Also, look up some Bible verses and quote them to her. It is amazing how much impact quoting the Bible has.

First of all, praise her constantly from the moment you enter the store about how proud you are of her behavior. Kids want to please their parents. If she escalates into a tantrum just pick her up and leave the store and either come back later on your own or sit in the car with her until she calms down and try it again. If she makes it through the trip without a tantrum praise and reward her with a small item after you leave. Don't let her know you are upset(easier said than done) or bothered in the least by her behavior. If she gets no reaction and her screaming doesn't benefit her, she will stop(maybe not right away, but eventually. Good luck!

Ah, yes, your little girl is flexing her independence muscles! It is not necessarily something she is "picking up" from other kids. As toddler age kicks in, our little ones start realizing they are independent of us, that they have opinions on what they like/don't like, but that they are limited in how they can express themselves. Hence, the screaming/crying, throwing themselves on the ground, etc.

Please don't be embarrassed by your daughter's behavior. It is truly natural -- even if some kids are "better" at it than others. Anyone who is a parent pretty much knows what you're going through! Plus, kids are great as sensing what sets their parents off, so your daughter will know this is getting your attention (even if it's negative attention) and she'll keep doing it.

Of course, this doesn't mean the behavior is OK, but it's not something they learn to control for some time so these are definitely moments of stress for the parents. I've learned to be armed with snacks and small forms of entertainment (my little one is thrilled when I break out the Goldfish crackers and a couple of travel-size books). And we talk and sing a lot . . . no, I am not embarrassed to do this in the middle of a store! We also have a small, cheap MP3 player with her favorite music (Sesame Street, Wiggles, etc.) and I usually clip it to the shopping cart.

You don't want to "ignore" the behavior so much as you want to re-direct it. So if she's having one of her moments, that's when it's time to distract her. Even just by talking or singing . . . if she suddenly hears you singing one of her favorite songs you may find she stops to listen and maybe even join in!

And if she's throwing tantrums at home, she's not too young for a time out! Put her in a quiet safte place (a play yard is good), one minute for each year of age, so in her case one minute. Sometimes they just need to be removed from a situation to calm down.

My youngest is 2 1/2 and has taken to throwing herself on the ground and crying when she doesn't get her way. Pretty much all I have to say is "do you want a time out?" and she understands what I'm saying (because I started time outs about a year ago) and works to control herself. She's still a work in progress, though, and probably will be for some time!

Welcome to my world. I have the same issue with my son and have worked very hard to find a way to cope with it. Like you he is a very good nature child, but it is like Jekel and Hyde when he is asked to do something he doesn't want to do. My son is now 19 months old and I am seeing improvement in some areas and it is more challenging in others. My sister in law has 2 older children and she said this age was the most difficult and I can see why.

A few things we have tried:
When he throws a fit, I leave the room.
I don't pick him up while he is throwing a fit.
I only use grocery stores that have the cars or fun carts. This seems to appeal to him more than a shopping cart where he is staring at me and wants me to hold him. Strapping him where he has his back to me and can look around seems to work better.
We order take out instead of trying to eat at a restaurant. He won't sit in a high chair in public. We take him during slow hours and will work with him then when we can let him scream without bothering other people and use this as training. (around 4:00 is a good time)
Find a toy that she likes and only bring it out when you are in public and keep lots of snacks.
At home, put her in time out when she screams. That high pitch scream sure does echo through a grocery store doesn't it :)
The last thing I try to do is just be patient. Count to 5 before picking him up so I make sure I do it gently. Don't raise my voice when he screams so I am not reinforcing that behavior.

It is just a hard stage in their development and they can't communicate with you using their voice so they are using their body and seeing how far they can push you before you will give them what they want. Pick your battles and find the right balance. Finally, take a moment out for yourself. You will enjoy her more when you are rested and in the right frame of mind.

Good luck and I hope my experience will help you a bit.

T.

I know this sounds a little to simple but...redirect her at the first glimse of a tatrum. Getting her interested in something else as fast as you can will divert her attention and provide a bridge right over that situation. Be prepared- stick a couple of surprises in your bag when you are out. A small bell, a shiny rock, a small snow globe- any thing that can wow her for even a moment. It wont work every time but I have 140 kiddos every day in my sschool and redirecting gets us thru about 75% of the time!

We had a problem with my first child and looks like our second is starting to the same (she is almost 15 months). Honestly, the best thing to do is ignore the behavior. That is what worked the best because if you respond then they will think that is what I need to do to get M.'s attention. I can tell you that it is hard; however, it does really work. I have a very well behaved 2 year-old now. I would just move your child to a carpeted area where they won't hurt themselves and ensure there is nothing to hit their head on. It should start to get better as they get a little older and start to understand, "This is not working, I need to try something else!" Also, pay them a lot of attention when they are acting the way you want them to - just shower them with attention. Good luck!!

Ignore her. Its for attention and if she doesn't get any then she'll try something else. It worked so well on my oldest son in less than 24 hours I cut them completely out. He used to lay on the floor, scream and bang his head on the floor. I would walk right over him and ignore him. It worked.

Good luck!

Get the Love and Logic book for early childhood (birth to 6 years). They specifically address this scenario. In a nutshell you have someone standing by in the parking lot and when she misbehaves you call the person to come and get her. After you are done shopping you then tell her she has to pay for the babysitting by giving up a favorite toy. Next time it's time for the store you ask if she wants to pay for babysitting again or will she be quiet and stay in the cart. We haven't tried this ourselves but are planning to when the time comes!

I might try to push the cart to a corner of the store, then sit nearby but with your back resolutely to her and wait it out. Tell her that you can't grocery shop when she is screaming, and you will wait until she is ready to be calm. Bring a book to help distract yourself. Don't worry about what the other customers think ... the moms, at least, won't be judging you. If its too hard for you to deal with in public, you could instead leave the cart full of food where it is, scoop her up, and wait it out in the car. Then, come back when you are done (the groceries will almost certainly still be there). Remember that the this is the age of tantrums, and she will grow out of it! Good luck!

Best of luck! Nice to know i'm not the only mom out there dealing with this. Hers started at about that age too. I definitely go armed with snacks, pacifiers and toys that come out of my bag slowly and at critical times at stores or any other errand-running place. I love Central Market b/c they give out balloons and have fresh fruit for a .25 donation at the door. I've learned that a banana takes almost an entire shopping trip to eat if I hurry. I just bring along a couple of wipes to clean up the mess when she's finished...:) I also try to rotate stops where she can run around & i don't actually need anything or many things (mall, giant department store, park, playground) with stops where she has to be strapped in the whole time because I have a giant list of things to get (grocery store, target). Having her "help" me pick out fruit and put in the bag, or put boxes into the back of the cart helps a lot too. I think they really want to be helpful at this age. I did institute a time out place at our house where she had to go for one minute when the screetching reached the level where I couldn't tell if she was in actual physical pain or just hysterical (i could justify to myself that this wasn't safe, and feel less guilty about time-out, she otherwise only gets time out if she is going something that puts her in physical danger). Between the two (or just time) the tantrums are less frequent now. In fact, now at 18 mos old if she is starting in on one I can just point to the time-out room and say "time out" and she runs off to the time-out spot herself, looking pouty & crying (but settling down) on the way. It is so cute I have to stiffle a grin, so it makes it easier on me too.

When my kids tried doing something like this in the store I would 'ignore' it, and just look to others around me with a sympathetic look and say "sorry!" Usually I would get "I understand" or "we all know what that's like" or a short story meant to help me feel better...sometimes a wierd look, but I figure that person doesn't know anything about kids or has issues of thier own. Take Care!

Hi G.,

Tantrums are rough. Keep in mind you are not the only one who has a child that throws a fit in public. We have all been there. Just a few ideas. When taking your daughter shopping make sure she is well rested and not hungry. Being tired or hungry can bring out the worst in anyone. Make sure you stay calm. A big part of tantrums is frustration at not being able to communicate. Encourage her to use her words.

At this age she wants to explore. I did let my kids sit in the bigger part of the basket, it is alot of fun back there. If she wanted to stand the rule was she had to hold on to the cart and I walked slowly. There was no climbing, otherwise she had to go back to the seat in the front. I also got a courtesy cookie while shopping, most stores with a bakery offer that for kids.

I also agree with leaving the store if nothing is working. Don't say a word, just calmly pick her up and leave. When she calms down simply tell her "we don't do that in the store". When you see another child acting up talk to your daughter about it, "Oh someone is not happy". "What do you think is bothering that little boy?" Yes she is young, but it teaches her to talk to you and notice other peoples feelings.

I hope you find the answer you are looking for.

The author to the book "Who Switched Off My Brain" says in her video series that when children throw fits the best thing to do is scoop them up in your arms and hold them tight and whisper encouraging sweet words and directions on good behavior. She says that the brain of a toddler is coming to the realization that it's not connected to mom anymore and sometimes that's more then the brain/child can handle. Some people seperate the child making the realization of the brain/mom seperation even more real/harsh. But by holding tight and being a "baby whisperer" you can reassure the child that it's safe to be seperate from mom. One of the things I tell the fit throwing kid while I'm holding them tight is that "Mannings" (thats our last name) don't throw fits. We use our words and actions to tell people what we want and sometimes we don't get exactly what we want. I'll tell them they are a sweet child and that I'm so glad we are going shopping together and that I need there help picking out things for our family.

Sometimes it works and sometimes we have to go to the car and sit tight. BUT please don't get mad or rattled. Be in charge of the situation because when you flip out too then the child still thinks you are connected and you don't have a clue how to have anymore self-control then they do. And that's unsettling enough of a reason for them to continue throwing the fit.

This may be a little "old school" but I remember my mom asking me if I wanted a spanking right there in front of everyone, if I acted like that in public. Most kids would say no because it would embarass them, and they would stop. I used to work with 18 month-2 year olds for three, so I saw this alot! Most of the time if I could get there arms down I would get down to their level and talk calmy, but firmly in their ear. No yelling or screaming or anything like. I would tell them that this is not ok and that they needed to stop. Most of the time we were trying to get toys picked up or something, so I could tell them that if they helped finish the task at hand they could have a sticker like everyone else. It could work with your little one. But hopefully it'll give some idea.

take her hands and press them close to her chest, look directly in her eyes, and state in a firm voice "no. this behavior is unacceptable. no." and release her hands and continue about your business. each time she does this behavior, same practice on your part. if she wants something, tell her no because of her behavior. no means no.

I didn't read all your responses yet, but we have all been there and any mom who hasn't is either very lucky or lying, hahaha but yes you do have to ignore it. I set my kids up, (you can refer to a book called "A new kid by friday" by Leman) when they were going through this stage, at home was easy I just walked away and told them to come tell me when they were done. At the store I always told them before we went into the store what type of behavior I expected, (" we are going in the store and we are not buying any toys today, I expect you to be on your best behavior" or something like that) I would walk around and put a few non perishable items in the cart and then provoked the fit, I would simply explain the we would leave if they didn't behave, and they would pitch the fit and I'd pick them up and walk out, with my screaming child... I'd put them in their car seat and stand out side the car till I was calm (because when they are screaming I can lose my patience) and I'd take them home. it only took one or two times to change the behavior, don't be worried about what others think it will be short lived, and like I said we have all been there. I don't agree with appeasing them in any way, that just doesn't work for me. they need to know what behavior is expected from them.

Good Luck

The next time you have to go to the grocery store or any store. Get someone to watch her: a friend, relative, neighbor, babysitter, etc. Tell her remember how you acted last time we went to the store then I am not taking you this time. This is also a Love & Logic principle. She suffers a consequence of her previous actions. A few times of you doing this then she learns very fast if she misbehaves then she cannot go with you in the future.

Bravo and congratulations on your miracle child!

I agree with your pediatrician. I know it is hard, but could you work it out so that you wouldn't have to take her with you on long grocery jaunts? Maybe just dash in with her for milk or bread, etc. My daughter couldn't tolerate long periods of nerve-racking store trips. They are wiggly at best at that age.

I agree that the daycare may have something to do with her behavior. How long does she have to stay there every day? Are there many children? What is the staff like? Is it possible to change daycare to a less frantic place?

Good luck. PLease be patient with her. If she is verbal, maybe she can help you understand what is going on.

It's hard not to be embarrassed, but tell yourself it's going to be OK. Check out the Happiest Toddler on the Block, and also Love and Logic. I've found Love and Logic very helpful for my son (now 29months old). He HATES time out, so the threat of that generally works. The big thing for the little ones is control of the world around them. Their language skills do not usually measure up to their comprehension, so they are frustrated; their control of the world is minimal, so they are frustrated. L&L offers the ability to give them choices - let her have choices and control as much as you possibly can when it doesn't matter (do you want the red or the pink... etc). When she's doing something she shouldn't, give her the choice between the good behavior or the time out - then it's HER choice to get punished, not just you punishing. Once she understands she has choices and that choices have consequences, you can even shorten a tantrum - "you can stop having your tantrum and tell mommy what's wrong, or you can have a time out - your choice."

Anything you can do to help her communicate and/or give her control of her world can help you. Once you have a handle on L&L, maybe your daycare person can get into it too!

Good luck!

You've gotten lots of great advice. I would just add that I had to tell my daughter we were going to leave the store if she didn't behave, and I actually had to take her out of the cart and walk away from our cart (with all of her juice boxes, raisins, etc. inside). If you tell a store employee that you have to leave because your child isn't behaving nicely, they're very kind about it. My daughter's behavior in the store improved drastically after this happened twice. She has to know you mean it and that you will walk out without groceries if she doesn't behave.

I also went straight to the deli department when we went shopping and got a slice of ham or turkey or cheese for her to munch on while we shopped. That helped keep her busy and happy.

Good luck, mama! As others have said, anyone who is staring at you is just happy it's not their kid who is throwing the fit at that moment!

I love "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Karp. Find the DVD---much easier to understand than his book. Also, you may find the book Magic of Early Childhood from Love and Logic very helpful...specific scenarios and tactics are used.

My two favs...hope you find them helpful.