Help! Toddler Constantly Saying "NO"

I highly recommend "Happiest Toddler on the Block" it is made by a pediatrician. It gives calm, sensible, loving techniques to help you with this type of behavior. You can borrow it from the library or buy it at a discount on amazon.

Good Luck!!

I don't know why they start this phase, but they do. I have a 20 month old snf when he gets upset I just try to make him start laughting that works with him. My oldest is now 7 years old and he was the one that gave me also so much trouble at that age. I did all the same things you are doing. Like everyone else say JUST HANG IN THERE!

I was getting there, too, so in a attempt to avoid the full blown tantrums, etc., I have started some pretty cool techniques with my 19 month old daughter. You feel silly at first, but these REALLY work on my dd.

Dr. Harvey Karp's dvd, 'The Happiest Toddler on the Block' is what I am using. As well as, time out and ignoring (rarely, when appropriate to let her cool off), and LOTS of 'feeding the meter' which is sort of a positive reinforcement in advance.

Anyway, I highly recommend trying this dvd, and see if your toddler doesn't respond almost immediately. I wish ALL pediatricians, care providers, etc. would try it to see if the techniques work in those situations, too.

Good luck!

I know we will get through it. :)

In response to Sharon saying she doesn't know why it's called the terrible 2's since it seems to start before 2 yrs old. . .I asked my mom the same thing. Her repsonse: "They don't call it the terrible two's cause they are 2 years old: They call it the terrible 2's cause it lasts for 2 years!" Ikes! So you're not alone on this one! The happiest baby on the block worked for me so maybe I will get the happiest toddler one too. Didn't even know they had it!

Cindy-
You have gotten some great advice, so I will not add anything more except to tell you, Yes, this is a phase... Yes, they will grow out of it,... and Yes, you are still a good mother. My son is almost 2 1/2 and you can find his name on the adoption block at any given time ( just kidding, of course!!), and luckily is starting to grow out of some of this as he becomes more verbal and "mature". Just hang in there, and I like the advice to start to pray for your own sanity, if you have not started to do so. Walking out of the room, or removing them from the area (ie, away from an audience) always has helped me, too!
T.

Cindy,

this is absolutely normal developmental responses at his age. there are many techniques to help him over this, humor typically works the best. Dr Karp has a dvd out for helping toddlers thru this tough time with the least amount of frustration for all. It is called the happiest toddler on the block. When you get frustrated he learns from that frustration how to respond. The key is to keep it simple, redirect after acknowledgement of his request and be consistent. Check out the dvd, he also has a book, but the dvd shows him and parents with thier children so you learn how to communicate with your budding cave man in language that he understands.

Good Luck,
K. Willis
The Nesting Place

As you can tell from the other responses - it is normal. You're not crazy and "this too shall pass". At your son's age they hear "No" so often that they have the meaning down and repeat it ALL THE TIME. Wait till he says "Why" to any and everything! My daughter is 12 and for now well adjusted (though the hormones and roll-of-the-eyes have kicked in), but she did the same things. It always gave me a warm and fuzzy when we were in public and she got "spaghetti legs" falling to the ground in a temper tantrum. Fortunately, most people have had children and understand completely.

What worked for me was trying not to make the situation a battle of wills, staying calm and let her know her behavior was not acceptable. At times I would just physically move her 2 feet from me and have her sit for a short time - ignoring the whining. She was upset that she had to move to another area though I was in the room with her (going to her room did not phase her). At times she continued to fuss but after a short while she wanted to get up so she adjusted her behavior. Each child responds differently as there are probably several ways to handle these Hallmark moments. For your own sanity - try not to let it get to you.

Something to remember: A smart woman (my mother) once told me to be careful how long you punish a child (smaller children require short periods) as they will find other ways around the punishment. So far I have found this to be true.

Good luck - you and your son will be fine.

Cindy -

yes, totally normal. Which is crazy, that this behavior can be considered normal!!! But anyway, I don't know why they call it the terrible 2's - mine started at 18 months, he's 2 1/2, and my talks with parents of 3 year olds don't give me much hope there, either.

What made (and still makes) me feel the worst is just that rejection, and how do I deal with it. It makes me feel instantly incompetent as a mom. I swear, everyone else is doing this so much better than I am, right? So while you will not be able to really change her behavior (she needs to go through this phase), you can change how you respond to it. You can fake control, if you will. I do this by not asking my son questions that he can answer yes or no, but rather just involving him, so if he sweeps everything off the table in one swoop, I start to clean it up and just chat to him as if he's expected to help me, too. If he says no (what do I mean if....WHEN), then I try to turn it to a game, asking him to pick up everything that is blue, or something like that. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't, but I feel better when I don't engage in that battle of wills (because I feel like I always lose, no matter what happens). Most of the defiance is just a test of independence, anyway, and I'd rather not start those battles over trivial matters for a few years. I Tivo all Supernanny episodes so I can remind myself that there are lots of parents who are a lot worse off.

Some of the frustration also comes from not being able to express themselves verbally (which comes all too quickly in the next year). And they have all that energy. So they just throw down into cringe-inducing tantrums that are hard to ignore. When this happens, I do something kind strange...I have this weird looking doll that someone gave me as a stress reliever - it has crazy hair and you're supposed to whack it when you get frustrated. So my son would start a tantrum and I'd just go get this doll, come back and start whacking it on the ground next to him. It would freak him out, then he'd laugh, then I'd talk to him about when he's upset he can go get this doll and whack it on the ground. He giggles and giggles about this, and sometimes now he'll get the doll and whack it. Not sure if this little method actually helped him, but it did help me. A lot. And then I would also go in another room and whack it myself!! :)

Suffice to say, at this age, nothing you do will seem effective. Everyday you will have to gear up for this, and every night you will feel you failed, and every once in awhile you'll get cooperation and it will give you little glimmers of hope. Hold on to these glimmers! You are getting through to her, just as she is getting through to you.

And if it's any consolation, from what I hear, the cliche is terrible at two, terrific at 16, and terrific at 2, terrible at 16. I would so rather deal with a terrible two than a terrible 16. (Not sure how true this is, but an informal poll of my friends seems to hold up this theory, so I'm just counting my blessings and doin' my time....)

Good luck! S.

I was right there with ya! Mine is 2 1/2 now, and he has his good and bad days. Sounds like you are doing the right thing. Just keep being patient with her, and it will all work out in the end. I feel like I have some days where I'm just constantly yelling and telling him "no", and then there those other days that flow smoothly and there are no fights. Just keep your chin up and remember that you're doing what's best for her as a parent...and you're not the only one!!

It will pass, in time, mom. Another favorite word of the 18 month to 3.5 year old is "mine". Patience, mom. The Lord tells us to "be still and wait".

I don't ignore temper tantrums, though. I pick them up and set them in time out. And they stay until they have their emotions under control. They learn this technique very quickly. If I ignored it...I'd have 5 other children doing the same thing. It sets a bad example.

http://www.missBrenda.com

All I can say is it's normal and my daughter (also 18months) does the same thing and we're doing the same parenting techniques you are and are also finding them to be ineffective. They are just exerting their independence and are frustrated by lack of verbal ability as they are able to understand more than they can say. And, they are testing their limits and discovering autonomy. Yes... it's the beginning of the terrible twos..

So I'm in the same boat and will check back to see if other moms have posted any solutions!

Hang in there!

hello my little boy started doing that I guess around the same age. Not to bad but he is 20 mo and still he does it, it is a stage I laugh at him when he throws a fit like that for no good reason. I know it sounds mean but it works for me, he doesn't like that or I just tell him to stop or he will go to bed or not get his snack or what ever it is that I can take away. My son understands all that and that seems to work for me. I am pregnant with our second child so I hope it stops soon but I don't feel that it is bad at all or anything to worry about, kids will be kids and we need to be parents.
Good luck

Cindy,
Just want to add to previous responses -
BE CONSISTENT with your discipline and your love. It's healthy and normal for a child that age to test the boundaries. He doesn't understand where the limits are until he tries them out. And it takes a while for them to finally get it. Be patient and be good to yourself, too. You WILL get through this. Good luck!
Julia

I am with you and the other mom. It is nice to know that my daughter (21 mos) isn't the only one with a devilish streak in here. She has always been the well-behaved one and now it seems like I am fighting her about everything, from putting on clothes to taking a bath. She has great verbal skills but instead of talking to me, she just whines, FOR HOURS! Hopefully someone will have some advice that has already been through this!

Yes, you are encountering the "terrible 2's"!!! We have been going through it since our 2nd was born in April and our little boy will be 2 next week. Everything you to be "uh-uh" and he has started growing out of that. Now it is just the acting out to see what he can get away with or what we will let him get away with. We don't often do time out because that did not work for us, but we do put toys on time out. In his acting out after the 3rd time of telling him no or giving him the warnings, we have a closet in the kitchen where we put his toys that he is playing with or throwing or simply just not listening go. Then when he gets them back after a while he is excited and usually is very well behaved for a while. But if it is blocks that we put away, it is all the blocks. We put everything in the particluar category on time out. We did not want him to be on time out all the time, so we tried the toys and it has worked for several months now.

Yes, it's the beginning of the "terrible 2's" and it won't end until his 3rd birthday, at which time you'll have a new set of problems on your hands...

But, that's enough for encouraging words...the "Happiest Toddler on the Block" suggestion is probably a great one. From the way it's described, I'll bet the techniques are similar to "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Jim Fay. The main theory is speak less, act often. You can't explain anything to a toddler, but your actions (or lack thereof) will speak volumes to them. One of my favorite tips from this book is "If you can't change the behavior, change the location." When my son starts throwing a fit, I tell him, "Oh my! Sounds like you need a little alone time to get control of yourself," Then I plop him in his playpen for a minute or two. For my daughter, it's room time.
I've just finished the book and they don't have a lot of specifics for dealing with toddler behavior, but the words and tactics can still apply, it's just that your toddler's reaction will be...well...more toddler-like. I've been using love & logic with my 3-year-old since she was about 2 1/2 and I love it (I wish I'd had the book sooner!). Now that my son is 17 months old, he's beginning to exhibit behavior like you described. So, I'm just using the same language, rules, boundaries, etc. with him, and it's working. It doesn't mean my kids don't throw fits, it simply means that I'm learning how to react to them in a more constructive way, so that my kids a) don't see me freak out and get angry, and b) learn to think for themselves. Now that I'm entering this realm for a second time, I can almost certainly say that dealing with toddlers is more about PARENT behavior than it is about the kid's behavior.

And I fully agree with the mom who advised that you will have to gear up for this every day. It's so true. Every day they will test the boundaries. They're trying to see if the same thing happens every time. If you change your reaction every time, the behavior will never stop. If you stay consistent, he'll eventually pick a different boundary to test. Of course, he'll re-visit boundaries occasionally, but I've found that once something is established, it's easier to deal with the second (or 3rd, or 4th) time around.

Good luck!
You will get through this!
Oh, and if you're not a praying woman now, it's a good time to start...