Help Telling a Ten Year Old the Man Who Raised Her Is Not Her "Father"

Is she doesn't already know about the birds and the bees I wouldn't tell her yet. If she knows the man you are married to isn't her real father, and that you aren't quite sure who her father is then you have a lot more explaining to do then you may be ready to tell. It also might be more then she wants to hear at this age. It doesn't quite work saying the old "when two people love each other God gives them a baby" or something that affect. Obviously it wasn't a love situation. Is she ready to know that you don't know who her father really is? I think 10 might just be a little young for that kind of information.

I have never been in your situation and can't begin to imagine what you are feeling. Looking at it from the outside is always easier than being in the midst of the trial. My suggestion would be that both you and your ex sit down with her together and talk to her. Have a discussion on what she thinks a father is and what he does for the children he loves. Write down the things she comes up with. I would hope that her Dad fits the discription . Talk about things she didn't think of and ask if she thinks that applies to her Dad.
Let him do alot of the talking, he needs to make her feel secure and loved.
All of this just helps ease into what will be a very difficult thing for her to hear and try to understand. Expect anger directed at both of you, but you are adults and should be able to understand and help her through. If it gets to be too much for her to deal with then professional counseling might be needed. When you decide to tell her notify the school system. Her classroom teacher is sure to see changes in behavior and it will help her know what approach to use with your daughter if she understands the situation.
Your daughter will need all the support and love she can get. It is no longer about your past it is about her future. The best thing you can do is love her through it. She will want answers but try and figure out what she can handle emotionally each step of the way. Don't give her too much to digest at once.
I agree with the woman who recommended finding out who the biological father is as soon as possible so you can give her some information when the time is right.
My final words would be to pray and ask God's direction as you enter this time of challenge for your family.

That's a hard one to deal with. I think you're right. She most certainly has the right to know however you should know who the bio-dad is first! You can't tell her this kind of news and not know yourself. That just sets up a completely insecure--unstable situation. I've been on both sides of the coin here. My mother (never married the man) met someone when I was two after my parents were divorced and they never really quite came out and said it...I figured it out before I was five. After confronting the situation--I felt better but I also felt separate. I didn't feel a part of the whole, if you know what I mean. I have two younger siblings who were the bio children to him and my mom and we are closer than close. We don't think of being HALF siblings. It's usually ignorant family members (outside the nuclear)or unprofessional people or mean kids outwardly stating the obvious different names etc. that makes your body cringe when you witness it. I was 21 when I had my first child and how he came to be well...it's the classic tale...a bad choice night during college years of life. I didn't exactly KNOW who either. I had the tests done before my son reached 5 months. So that was always there--the knowing. I raised him by myself for a couple of years and met a man (whom I'm married to today). In the beginning he was called by his first name by my son which changed to daddy within the first year. My son also figured it out EARLY. Why is my last name different? Is the No. 1 question. I told him that it was my maiden name (which it is) and he was fine with that. Then the bio-grandma comes around a couple of times a year (Christmas and birthday) I was freaked out for the first 4 years but I've since mellowed way out and realized that she just wants to be a part of his life and it's a blessing to have people love your children. They should have as much as possible--always. But the families should have a choice too. It's just not fair otherwise...to the child. My husband is trying to ADOPT my son--so we can unify our family--no more different name thing. But my son is so excited! I've explained it to him like this (the different DAD thing):
You have half of mommy's DNA and half of my friend's DNA--and that makes up what you look like and You have ALL of mommy and ALL of Daddy that makes up your insides! And he was totally cool with that. I never for a second separated the situation. Like he's here because we all had a part in his beautiful creation. Which in fact...we did! My son hasn't had his name changed yet but he writes his new name with such pride. I can't wait for the official situation to happen.

My step dad tried (not well enough)to make me feel like I was a part of the whole...It never worked. Mainly because it was verbal and not really much of anything else. He would go and support my younger siblings at all school events and only attended a couple in my entire school career. My parents didn't even attend my high school graduation. The point of telling this is so that whatever excuses people try to use to NOT follow through with being a parent--the part to remember it's not a JOB--it's something that you're willing to do 100% of the time because you want to! Because you love your family!

My STEP dad and my mother had a very rough 25 years together. They NEVER married. They separated 3 years ago. I haven't spoken to him in 2 years. It was the hardest thing for me to go through in my adult life--their break up but to top it all off the realization that he NEVER really did care for me like I was his own flesh and blood and his grandson's don't mean anything to him after all. Well it was a wake up call! I felt like I had literally LOST a parent. My younger siblings say "my dad" now when they refer to him and his new found family.
I say "your dad" too. It breaks my heart over and over again.

Be very careful here with your daughter. Girls and dads...that's supposed to be THE key relationship in a woman's life.

Ever try just being single for a while?

~E

Hi A.,
My youngest sister went through the same thing. My father and her mother married when she was two and she always thought he was her biological father, until she was 8 or 9 yrs old. My father was worried she wouldn't still treat him like her dad. They sat her down and told her everything, she took it really hard at first but we all let her know that we loved her and she was a part of our family forever because she was family. She went through the normal "Your not my father, you can't tell me what to do!" phase and the "I wish I lived with my REAL father" phase. But then she just relaxed about it, because we ignored the comments. I hope this helped.
-J.

I swear that you are talking about my life.. I have found that if you take her aside, kinda like a mother daughter thing, and just sit and be honest with her that it works alot better.

Tell the truth and speak from the heart. She will appreciate you being honest with her. Be open to her response... if she is angry, let her be angry. If she is hurt or sad, let her cry. I would have the Dad she knows be there too to reinforce his love for her. And give her time to adapt to this new info... it is A LOT to absorb.

I was raise by my "step dad" (who would never call that) my mom met him when I was 6 months old (they later divorced in 99). I call him by his first name (val) and last saw my real dad when I was 3. Val adopted me and loved me like another child. My mom explained to me when I was about 10 or 11 that she and my real dad we not a great fit and that she only wanted the best thing in the world for me and Val was that person. She said if I ever wanted to meet my real Dad she would be totally ok with that and she would help me. But she wanted me to know that just because we didn't share the same blood... Val will always be my Dad. I understood it but have always had a hard time with those medical ?'s so if you could try and get some info from one of his family members or maybe even him. No child likes to feel like half of them is missing. My mom had a picture of him to give me and some info about him. It took me till last year but located my half sister (my real dads daughter) she and I get along great and I still have no need to see him... I know who my Dad is. I hope this helps and if you need anything else feel free to ask its a tough area

first i would go about it by trying to remember who her bio father may be just try to make a list of everyone you had been with for 4 months priar to finding out that you were pregnant when you do have it narrowed down i would explain to her that though her daddy loves her very much he isn't her bio father also explain that there are a few possibilities of who her bio father may be but it will take time to figure it out (provided she wants to know but i am sure she will) i am sorry to say but she might get mad and she might use it against you ex (your not my father when she gets mad even tho it may hurt its the price of telling her) but just be straight with her let her know that even though he isn't her bio father he still loves her like he was.

A. I am not in your situation but if i was I would go some where with just her and start by saying you love her and hopes what you have to say does not hurt her then tell her straight from your heart then when she ask about her real father explain to her that it was a time in your life where alot was going on and your not sure who he is offer to try to find out for her if it helps good luck and Go sabres if you ever want to talk e-mail me at ____@____.com and we can talk further

YIKES A.. That is a very sticky situation to be in. I've read some of the responses, and I would deifintely sit down with her, your x husband and you and have this conversation. It needs to be done. I wouldn't do it without your x. He needs to be there to know that she is loved no differntly than her sisters. I sort of understand what you are going through. My sons biological father has never been in the picture. I met my husband when my son was two months and he's been inhis life ever since. My son is now 15 years old. Difference is my son has known since he was young enough to comprehend that his biological father was not involved in his life. My son has asked about his biological father quite a few times. I found honesty to be the best appraoch. Just the other day he asked me where he was living now. I couldn't answer that because I didn't know. He's asked why he was not involved and I had to answer him honestly, it was hard to answer him, especially not knowing the real answer to that question, but I did answer to the best of my ability. Just reassure her that she is loved and loved no differently than the others. It takes a special man and I mean very special man to raise a child that is not biologically his and love him/her like his very own. As to the issue on not knowing who her father is, well, that you have to be honest about as well.Im sure you have some sort of an idea as to who it could possibly be. I wish you the best of luck. It's hard I can imagine. LETS GO BUFFALO! I BELIEVE!