HELP!!! My Party Is Going up in flames---AGAIN!!!

Hi S.,

Maybe you could talk to the other mom and suggest a party together. Instead of pulling from each other, and she seems to be winning at this, maybe the both of you could join forces and have a party together. It would also make sense if you are inviting the same kids. Just a thought. I have had this challenge with my daughter's birthday and have managed to work out non-competing dates or had joint birthday parties.
That way everyone is happy, no child is left out or made to feel bad.
Hope it works out.
L.

Why not do it together and have one big party with all the friends, while sharing expenses? I have other things I could say but this is the most constructive. ;-)

If you are trying to keep it on a budget..why did you spend $50 on custom invitations? They have some real cute ones at Target or some of those party stores.

Why don't you invite her whole class to the party? That way more kids will come to her party. Have a simple but fun party. That way you'll be able to meet some of the parents.

Good luck, it will all work out!

I've done the custom invites and I've done Evites. Everyone has a computer these days, just do an Evite and call it a day. You get better response and it doesn't cost a dime! If you cut corners on the invitations it won't make you feel so bad about spending more on the party itself.

G. S.

S.,

I completely understand how you feel, it can be very frustrating. Unfortunately you have people who are oblivious to repect, the woman who asked you to change the date of your party should have offered to change hers and appologized for the oversight on her part. Sadly, I am sure that won't happen. But on to what you can do if the party is already set you can either contact the other people and speak directly to the point, hopefully some of the other mothers will be geniunely good people and realize how thoughtless this other mom is being. It's a possiblity she has walked all over other people as well. I do want to commend you for attempting to check with her schedule previous to the planning.

If the other moms do not give a strong commitment to your party I would think about how close these kids are, and if the answer is not that close perhaps your money could be sent better by just doing a very special day with one or two very special girls. I should also say that my oldest was born on Thanksgiving 1983, my second Easter 1992, my third Christmas Eve 1998, finally my last one not on a holiday that the entire country celebrates. So Scheduling is something I am aware of. I have always tried to make it of course prior to the actual date but inevitably there are people who either just don't have a brain and even after being carefully asked if that was a good date still make other plans, or they just do not care.

I am very sorry to your little daughter, and to you. One thing I am quite certain of is your daughter will have a great birthday, because she obviously has a very loving thoughtful mommy. Enjoy her and her sisters on which ever day you choose.

Lastly, if you should choose to reschedule, I would not reinvite the woman who caused so much stress. As another thought you could have said sorry I can not reschedule I have already paid for the invitations and they have gone out.

Best of luck to you.

Wow..what a hard situation. I would call the other Mom back ASAP and have the akward and difficult conversation with her, but let her know your frustration, remind her that she said that date was ok, and ask Her to move HER party...why should you be taking orders from her? (You can ask her ro re-imburse you for the invites if she realy wants what to move your party date... :) It's a shame that the other family is "pulling rank"...what about if you you sent an email/evite to the families as a "save the date option" that way everyone knows about your party first? It just seems like if you don't stand up for yourself and your family against this selfish woman, you are in for years of this struggle vs. nippping it in the bud right now. Also, I always buy really cute invites at party stores (They have glitter on them, 3-d add on's, etc and print them at home wiht colored and fancy font. They come out even better then custom invites and I get so many complimets on them and they are a fraction of the cost) Dont get too caught up in the keeping up with "The who evers" either. It's a hard trap to get out of. I have 2 kids 7 and 10 and after the parties over, it's over and the kids have just as much fun if I spend $500 or $200...(I do think that $100 is a really hard budget to stay in, so dont be too h*** o* yourself.) Hope that helps..bottom line, Call her back and have her move her party and if she won't, I would call or email the parents to Save The Date before her invites go out. Sounds childish, but she is the one creating this unnecessary drama over a kids birthday party!!!! GOOD LUCK!

Hi S.

IF you do decide to reschedule the party, the one thing I would NOT do is.. get more custom made invitations.. if the party is either for your 7 or 8 yr olds, then perhaps you can buy some already formatted invites and let the kids fill in the names. One thing I have realized is that when kids are still this young, the parties we throw , sure we are throwing for our kids, but we sometimes are trying to impress others, when really all kids care about is.. are they having fun..
I went thru this with my son's 6th bday. Oh we took out all the stops... cost me a fortune, turned out, do you know the thing the kids had the most fun with.. the SILLY STRING.. they got to run around and spray each other.. the second thing.. the PINATA... and they didnt care that I painstakenly selected various types of candy, no that which they liked was getting their turn at helping to break it open.. IF I were you, I would keep it simple....go with the flow.. ok so the other mom dupd you again.. forget about her.. think of your child.. this can be worked out without pouring a ton more money into it.. try and keep this all in perspective and remember.. kids ultimately remember MOMENTS not things.. with this in mind, I am sure your party will be AWESOME... no matter what date is it. :)

This is incredibly rude of the other family. They confirmed early on and they should hold to there commitment.

I would politly let them know you can not change the date due to printed invitations and you confirmed the date with them ahead of time just for this reason. Explain that they did this to you last year and the outcome of your daughters party and it hurt her and you would not to let that happen again.

I do think it's time for new friends if this is how they treat you.

Are you spending all this money on a childs birthday party?? You will go broke and crazy trying to keep up with the Jone's. Parents think kids need to have the big party with all kinds of kids there, even ones that are not really friends. Your better off juts having a small gathering with your daughter's closest friend(s). There is so much focus on who has what and how people want to fit in around here!! The family with seniority as you call it, let it go!! You will never win the battle!! Once you start raising the bar on spending crazy money on a child's party like special invitations then you can never go back to simple. Take my advice and stop trying so hard to fit in with the uppity crowd and focus on your family.

Hi S.!

I'm a mom to two boys ages 5 and 7. Honestly I think maybe this year you can probably make it fun for your kids and do something more intimate. I've doen the extraveggant parties and all that jazz. I know it ends up beatin ya up as far as planning and the cost not to meantion the clean-up. But this year I gave my 7 yr old a choice birthday with friends yadadada or a trip to toys r us and out to dinner! what do you think he chose! toys r us! it was so much more enjoyable for all of us. Maybe you can go to the other kid's party and then take a day with your girls to do someting super fun. I know it really put a huge smile on my boy's face. To tell you the truth parties are cool every 3-5 years like that but a trip to toys r us boy o boy thats every kids dream! set a limit and go from there.

hope this helps!
D.

There is a pecking order for moms based on seniority? Seriously??? Yipes. Did you mention to this mom that you had checked the date with her in advance? Ok, my shock at this whole seniority deal aside, just print new invites in a computer printer. If you do not have one, perhaps you can find one at your local library. You can purchase cute paper and print right onto it. You can also hand write on to preprinted invites (with What, Where, When type areas). If someone has an issue with a hand written invite, that's their problem. Next year, sit down with this mom with another "senior" mom in attendence (maybe you can just "happen" to all be in the same place at the same time) and agree on dates for both parties. Be sure you have at least one witness who can remind this Queen Bee of the agreement if your word isn't enough. I'm thinking the mere fact that there is a witness might deter her from repeating this behavior. I won't get into the whole "it's a little kid's birthday party" rant because I can understand why you are worried about kids showing for your daughter's party. I will say, though, that you can stop the financial bleeding. I grew up in a wealthy community, and we kids cared about having fun and the fun was not related to the amount of $$$ spent. I remember one fun party where the mom made a big tangle of yarn, one piece per kid, and we each grabbed an end and had to climb over, under, and around the other kids to untangle them. Sure, I went to fancier parties, but this is the one that I recall in detail. I also never had fancy parties (we did not have the same kind of wealth as many other families st my school), but I never really noticed; it's only in retrospect that I realize this. My smaller house and fun but modest parties never affected my social life or anything else I can recall. Also, some advice a friend gave me as fog wafted past my head at my wedding rehearsal: you set the tone for the event. If you are smiling and having fun, guests will feel at ease and have fun, too. My wedding turned out nice and sunny (phew!), but hers was outdoors and about 50 degrees. We were all freezing, but she and her husband were upbeat and clearly having fun, and we all had a fantastic time. Set a happy tone, hand write or print invites on a computer printer (it's faster, too), and have at least one witness for next year's date. Good luck!

Hi S.:

I would not change the date. I would call the other Mom and remind her that you already cleared it with her and she said yes, that date is okay. Play it up a little and tell her you already printed all the invitations professionally, and you've emailed all the other Mom a save the date reminder. Stick to your budget~I usually have an idea of how many people I can afford to join us, and invite a few extra for those who do not show, there are always no show. But deal with this other Mom first, it's not nice for her to intrude on your plans, and assume you can easily change the date.

Obviously, there is a lot of planning that goes into this, shame on her, she should know better.

Stay strong,

L.

I'm sorry, what is this bull about the other mother having seniority??? THERE IS NO SUCH THING! Remind her -- and all the other mothers -- that you asked her about the date and she said it was clear -- and yes, I would tell the other parents the same thing. To heck with her!

Though S., I have to ask -- if you only want to spend $100 on the party, why did you spend $50 on the invitations? Couldn't you have made something almost as nice on your computer? That way, you'd have more money to budget for the actual party...just wondering...

Ugh, that is super irritating. Obviously you want to change the date so kids will come though, but what if you and your daughter make the new invitations? I usually have my kids draw a picture and then take it to a copy store and copy it onto card stock and make postcards. (4 to a sheet), which saves on postage too. And it's fun! Did you talk to this other mom about what you're worried about? Is your daughter friend's with hers? Maybe you could do a joint party? Or maybe she would listen to your concerns if you're open with her, and change her party date. Good luck. Oh, also I have been thinking about doing the ebay thing for extra money... How is that going?

The other mom sounds really rotten, or at least grossly inconsiderate. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

It seems like you're really concerned for your daughter's feelings. As you decide what to do, keep that concern forefront in your mind. If it were me, it would be really hard to separate wanting to revenge myself on the "mean" lady who "stole" my daughter's party last year by throwing a shindig *nobody* would miss. If you follow that path, it will be too easy to forget why the party is happening -- to celebrate your daughter.

Just a wild thought -- if these children are good friends, you could consider doing a joint party together. You would save money and stress. There is a really wonderful episode of "Arthur" where Arthur and Muffie run into this same problem.
It would be worth watching with your daughter. It's called "Arthur's Birthday" and you could probably find it at the library. Good luck in this sticky situation.

I don't believe you should go out of you way at all for the other Mom. You're way over budget for a young girl's birthday party. Children have fun with the simplest things. Be sure that her true friends are coming, by calling their Mom's and asking them to come. Personal invitations are the best even with paper ones. They say 3 hits confirms they will attend. You can call 2 days before to get a count from them, and that insures they won't forget or turn on you. A few good friends is worth 10 no-shows! Just make it memorable for your child. I remember havng parties for my daughter when she attended a school with "rich families" and we'd have to choose a site away from our home. A children's play or music show or Round Table Halloween party since her birthday fell a few days before it. Now that she's grown, I think they were great! If your hubbie is not too busy, he could make a surprise appearance in his uniform. My grandson loves those guys!
So what things do you sell on ebay? I have a home-based business with Mary Kay for the past 21 years. Check out my website if you don't have a consultant yet: www.marykay.com/ecuffy. You could invite a consultant for facials for the moms, while the kids have their fun, just an idea :-)I did one for an eighth grade girls group.
Please let me know how you like my ideas.
E. Cuffy
###-###-####

Oh S. I really feel for you! It's definitely frustrating when "the other person" hasn't a clue! You could "try" to "help her" understand that you'd gladly relent AGAIN but you've already printed the invitations. If she is willing and mature enough to work with you; that's wonderful! Other than that, perhaps you'll just have to accept that this other mom is just not seeing the whole picture and probably does this in a lot of life situations. It helps to know that it's not just you she is doing this to: it could be a habit of hers.

To keep the happy in your daughter's party: go ahead and pick another date. If two people are pulling on a rope, and one lets go - well the other one will fall over from nothing to pull. Ignore her "not on nice attitude" and plan a beautiful FUN stress-free party for your beautiful daughter!

R. Cooperstein
(I'm a stay at home mom too. please visit my website for a stay at home "earn some bucks" idea!)

Have a wonderful day!

Is this other lady your friend? do you have mutual friends? I say who cares when her party is just have your party and make sure to invite people/kids that don't know her. And I would let her know that this isn't a competition this is your daughter's day and you are going to accomodate your daughter not her! She has a lot of nerves asking you to change YOUR date... who needs friends like that anyways. go ahead and have your party and choose better "mom" friends! :)

I feel your pain as I have three friends with kids whose birthdays are within one week of my daughters. My advice, have your daughters birthday three weeks before her actual birthday, get those invitations out 3 weeks in advance and your friends party shouldn't overlap yours. It really isn't necessary to have a party on the exact week of your daughters birthday. Your friend is incredibly insensitive and selfish if you had already discussed dates with her. I'd tell her how upset you are with her for doing that and how inconsiderate it was of her to plan her party on the same date. That is really lousy and not fair to your daughter. I'd make an effort to find some new friends for your daughter and distance yourself from this woman.

Hello S.,
Is it an option to have your party on the day you planned it, and have it before or after the other mom's party?? It seems unreasonable for you to have to redo your invitations and your plans, again. Have you considered that this person may be doing this on purpose? Is there some kind of neighborhood rivalry going on with party-giving, perhaps? It sounds like it could get quite costly to "keep up with the Jones'"!!!! We've resisted that competition so far, but it is difficult. The standards keep getting raised; pony rides, jump houses, live Disney princesses, magicians, and on & on. How about a cool tour of the fire station and some pizza? That should make most kids happy as a clam. Good luck with all this, and try to have fun! Maybe ask your child what he/she would really like to do. (or maybe not!!!) Hopefully, it will be a simple solution. Best wishes.

Relax. Take a deep breath. It's a kid's birthday party and she's the only one who has to like it. Forget custom this and that. Have the party on the new date, but send out evites. Have fun games, good cake (no icky fruit filling - kids hate that), and some party favors and you're good. This isn't a contest among parents. The only person who needs to be impressed is your daughter. Have fun!

Darn ,,sorry ya sad,,,,ya know what ,,if it was me,,,,i would do it anyways,,if ya had that date first do it darling,,,,i would,,,, two partys in one day ,,,,could be intersting,,,,,lol take care

If I were you I would just move the date, RSVP no to the other mom's party, come up with an excuse if you want to, and instead of getting custom printed invites for a party I would go down to papyrus or hallmark and get some in a box. Papyrus has invites that look custom and are 1/3 of the price. No one is going to remember the invitations, just the party. Why are you checking with another mother on what works with her? It is about what works for you and your family. You are providing her with the date and time of your party prior to sending out invites, so you are setting yourself up. Your daughter is not going to care what weekend the party is on as long as she has one and her friends are there. Keep it in perspective and I hope it all works out. Good Luck!

I agree with the poster that said to do an Evite instead. I don't know how many you are inviting, but that is eating up a big portion of your budget. (I actually personally prefer Evites to paper invitations because Evite gives me reminders, phone numbers and a map to the place.)

If you already booked, I would stick to your guns and keep your date. You had started planning first. I don't know the politics of your area, but it shouldn't matter how long a family has lived in the area when setting up a party. This year the people in your area will have known you and your daughter for longer and it is likely that her friends will come to her party instead.

Good luck!

what?! don't you dare reschedule your party for hers! yours was scheduled first! she's the one who needs to reschedule hers. it doesn't matter if she has seniority. the other mother should be ashamed of herself for asking you to reschedule your already scheduled party! i can't believe it!

send out your invites quickly before she sends hers out! i'm sure the other mothers will not cancel your party for their kids once they've already accepted the invite. i mean, that would just be rude.

TAke the birthday girl somewhere fun with her best friends - maybe for a make-over at Justice...a teddy-bear factory or a cool kids museum like the Discovery museum at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco & a nice lunch somewhere weather appropriate.
Lose the custom invites - print something from your computer next time.
Tell the other obnoxious family to kiss your hiney.
I honestly don't really remember my birthday parties until I was about 10 the rest are a blur of cake and giggling.
;)
Relax and have fun with your kids - that's all they REALLY want from you.

I wouldn't change my date. IF that is the case she will always play that "seniority" card on you until she moves. Explain to your daughter that some of the kids won't be able to make it to your party but that it will be fun just the same. Then send them out. You have had time to establish yourself in the community now and your daughter has made some good friends. I believe it won't turn out like it did last year. As far as the spending, do your best to stop now before you find yourself in a huge bind. Stop at what you have and make the most of it. There are a lot of party planning websites that can give you ideas that have no cost, but lots of fun. Happy Birthday to your girl!

Seniority?? Over planning a birthday party??? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard and this other mom should truly be ashamed that she even had the nerve to ask you to reschedule.

My kids are not school age yet, so I don't have much experience in 'birthday politics' - but I am a party planner and I say stick to your guns. Take a stand by not moving your date. You don't have to be forceful or agressive. Send out your invites ASAP. Make sure you send her one, so she knows your position. If she chooses to confront you, by phone or in person, let her know in a very calm and concise way that you comitted yourself and your family to a date on the very date you ran it past her for approval in the first place. Let her also know that in the future you won't extend her that same courtesy because it obviously made no differnce. Then, offer a suggestion that you alternate choosing dates each year. Last year, she chose, this year you and next year she will get that opportunity again. It is fair and reasonable, after all we are talking about a child's birthday, not the Governer's Ball. If she opposes your suggestion and doesn't offer one that you can both agree to, then she is not a reasonable person at all (case in point, asking you to reschedule your party!)

Now, for the most important part - your daughter's birthday! Explain to her that she may not have all her friends there, but it will be special no matter what. Maybe plan for a backup activity for just a few kids, if that is all that show up. Something that will make them all happy. For example, if it is just girls, maybe you can contact a local nail salon and make arrangements to have their fingers and toes painted. Or plan a really cool scavenger hunt througout he neighborhood and instead of little goodiebags with throw way toys, check out your local dollar store, for something a little more substantial.

Lastly, something that my mom did for me in grade school, that always stands out in my mind and would be an indication to the other mom that you can't be bullied...On the day of my birthday she made and delivered heartshaped little cakes (my birhtday is near valentine's day) and piped the names of all the kids in my class on each of them. All the kids were so excited and it would be a good way for your daughter to let her friends know that she can't wait to see them at her birthday party!

Hope that helps! Good luck and stand your ground!

Forget the party, and celebrate by doing something special as a family. I think we focus too much on these birthday parties, and if this woman has the nerve to ask you to change the date of your party, then forget her! You don't need the aggravation, it's not worth it. Tell your daughter you planned something more special than a party, and do something as a family that she would love.

Hi S.,
I am so sorry to hear that this other lady is being so nasty to you. Depending on the age of your child, let her make the invite list. Keeping it simple is always best because it sounds like your area has a problem with sharing
the children. Instead of spending so much on several children. Have your child pick one or two friends that you can spend lavishly on. Believe me, when they go to school and talk about the special birthday party for 1 or 2. Your daughter will be the special one and these friends will feel special too. Make a date at a spa, small shopping spree with lunch,then skating or bowling. Make it about your daughter. Make it a limo party and see how many children want to come to your party. I know we rented our skating rink for my neices birthday for 2hours only $100.00 and she loved it. Maybe its just me but it sounds like this other mom prides herself on making you miserable
and when you make your date she's right there to complicate things up. Hope this helps. Blessings~

Which daughter is it that is having the birthday? One of the older, or the youngest?

The whole birthday party thing has gotten out of hand and the sad thing is, it is NOT about the kids. It's about parents either showing off or entertaining themselves because they like doing this stuff. And, yes, I get to say that because I was totally caught up in it for a while, even submitting party descriptions to a website that offers prizes. Until I noticed at the most fabulously staged party ever that my daughter wasn't having a good time. My friends were blown away. The kids - not so much.

The past few years we've scaled way back, falling back on old fashioned games or going on a hike, inviting less kids, etc., and all of a sudden I am hearing from the KIDS that I throw the best parties. At a 1/4 of the effort, and 1/3 of the cost.

Not that this will solve your most immediate issue, but I want you to keep this all in perspective. If you are in a community where this whole thing has become a competition, and it sounds like you are, the best you can do is pull out and change course. Hence, the suggestions some other posters have made about doing an outing with a few close friends, etc. While I am tempted to agree with those that say "stand up to her, keep your party, use an evite" I worry, as you do, that your daughter will end up disappointed by the attendance.

Instead, I would ask you daughter who she most wants to come, keep it to 5 or 6 kids at the most, then call those families and ask them what would be a good time for them, because it is very important to your daughter that their child, her dear friend, be there. You can also tactfully mention that you had picked X date and time, but are worried since discovering that the Z's will be having a party on the same date. But, overall, the emphasis in those calls should be on how happy it will make your daughter to have their child there. When you've got a consensus, call back with the details and get confirmation whether or not they will actually come. The mailed invites will be a reminder, but not the first notice. And it is possible that you will be able to keep your date.

You can keep your current plans with a smaller group, or change it to a destination party. Whatever you do, remember that kids enjoy the simple things. Grade school girls do great with versions of hot potato, tag, pin the tail on the donkey, and target games (especially if throwing water balloons). Preschool kids have a blast making "popcorn" by shaking balloons on top of a sheet, or tying each other up with crepe paper. Simple crafts are always fun, too.

Whatever you end up doing, remember that it is about your daughter having a nice day. The invitations aren't a very big of that, in the end. Being with a few people she cares about, and doing some things she really enjoys - those are.

Hi S.,
Can you ask this woman to possibly coorinate the parties together so noone feels leftout and maybe share costs-seems silly to be to spen so much on invites alone what happen to making them yourself on the computer or Evite? just wondering?

I agree with the posters who said to send out Evites now. You can follow up with the printed invitations if you state something to that effect. Also confront that Mom and ask her to schedule her party for a different time on the same day. I hope it all works out. Good luck!

S., Call off the party. This is unacceptable and way too stressful for you. Tell your daughter that she can invite 2 - 3 friends and you will take them to her favorite restaurant. She can learn to be celebrated in a quieter, more dignified way. And, later in the year, you can have a party out of the blue. Although the term would be quite offensive now, we used to do "kidnap" parties. Everything would be pre-arranged with the parents and we'd go from house to house, surprising the "victim" by picking her up for a party at our house. And, it would be a surprise for your daughter, too. In today's TOTALLY SCHEDULED world, it might be nice way to build in some "spontenaity."
After the party weekend, please call the other mother and ask if you can work this out for future parties. After all, the kids all live in the same town. We have a similar situation with a boy our son's age. The mother always tries to schedule ahead of time so that she nails down the date to accommodate her. I finally said something to her and she is much nicer about trying to work it out now.

Our school class has worked this out by having joint parties for kid's with b-days around the same time. It works great. Everyone is celebrated. Costs and work divide by two. Grateful parents don't have to drive twice and the attendance is always wonderful.
I know the mom's behavior is upsetting , but would she be willing to have the party for the two children together?
--V