Help! My Boyfriends Sons Mother HATES Me.

Sounds like she's just jealous of you. Wish I had some advice for handling that. It's a shame, because it sounds like you provided a great place for him to be.

J. P.
www.prepareandsucceed.com

I went though this for a long time, and all you can do is be nice.And know it really isnt you - she doesnt know you. She is just upset and you are in her path. You may want to try and talk to her, meet her...it is easy to hate someone you don't know. It took me years but now she and I have a good relationship. I just had to keep making sure she knew I had her children's best interest at heart, was HER partner in raising them and turned the other cheek through all of the nasty, nasty times. It is a bad spot for everyone - the kids, you, her, him. But it can work out...promise. Good luck, I will say a prayer for y'all.

Keep doing what you are doing by trying to incorporate your boyfriend's Son into your life. You didn't do anything wrong. If your boyfriend's Son isn't allowed to do fun things, just let the dust settle for a little while, but have short meaningful talks with your Boyfriend's Son as a family unit and both you and your Boyfriend should let him know how much you care about him and that you are not the reason things are changing. You want him included in everything but you do not have any control over it at the moment. Make him feel like he can talk to you about anything and above all, don't bash him Mom... She will always be his Mom, no matter what.

After the dust settles, it might help if you call her to see if her Son can join you in an outing or offer to keep him for a week-end if she has something fun she would like to do. With a phone call you won't have direct contact. Take it slow. She will probably be upset and go off on you. That is where you will need to be strong and patient. Don't raise your voice, only be nice. Kill her with kindness. Listen, let her go off. Tell her you are sorry she feels that way and sympathize with her - you are going to have to run with her for awhile... until you can turn her around and eventually she will see that you are not a threat to her. Right now she is the one who sees her Son come home from your house in a great mood, excited, talking about your family and all of the fun things he experienced. She is jealous. She wants that kind of life for herself and her Son and you have it. (The other woman and her family with her X). Deep down, she is hurting, because you have what she wants in her own life. She will react to her pain in any way that she thinks will ruin it for you. Hard to place yourself in her shoes... but think about her feelings for a little bit and respond to her in ways that you would appreciate someone treating you if the roles were reversed.

It sounds like you have a great family unit, keep that going. Do not let her get to you so that you stop doing the things you are currently enjoying or her tactics will have succeeded.

This is a touch one. It is so sad when parents put children in the middle of their feelings/issues. I'm really not sure what is good advice for you. if she is that crazy and could harm you, you may need to reconsider your relationship with your boyfriend. Sad to say but the baggage may not be worth it. Have you tried calling her and talking to her personnally. Maybe there is a slight chance you can let her know you only want the best for her son. Let her know how much you liked and cared about him long before his Dad came into the picture. Good luck.
PS. You know this is all about her insecurities. The problem is you can never change how someone FEELS.

I know its tempting - but don't get sucked into her drama! Love on your boyfriends son when you have the chance - don't ever comment on his mom to him, your kids, or your bf - trust me, the kid is smart enough to figure this out. It takes two people to fight honey and she's trying to draw you in!

I went through the same thing. My husband and I meet in Oct. of 96. He had a 1 and 4 year old. He ended up getting custody of the boys. Right after that I found out I was pregnant plus I had a child from a previous marriage. News got out we were getting married and it hit the fan. What I did was never talked back at her when she was causing a scene. I never belittled her in front of the boys, and I prayed a lot. Time went on things worked themselves out. Through this whole process I just kept reminding the boys how much I love them. I didn't care what she had told them, and they knew. The little one you are talking about he knows as well. You just need to show him your the better one. In the long run it will be your respect he has and not his mother's. If she continous down this path. Just smile even when you are hurting. If you love your new boyfriend it will be worth it. My husband and I have been married 11 years now and it's been great.

:) CLMR

D., I have no advise. However it may feel good to hear that someone else is in the same boat. My husband's ex-wife hates my guts...for loving her daughter and for her daughter loving us and our child. She is so jealous that we surround her in a happy and healthy environment.(everything you said is along the exact same lines of what we are going through)She does not and will never have to work, but instead of being grateful she spends everyday thinking of mean things to do to us. Not only does she spend her days writing us ugly emails and leaving us terrible voice messages; she has gone so far as to start sending me "anonymous" letters. I have never had an enemy in my life, I have never even had someone dislike me. We are at a loss of what to do? My family is so worried about what she could do to me or our son. I just love my husband so dearly, he is the greatest husband and father and there is nothing she can do to come between the 2 of us.
She has no life, so every night we pray for her to meet someone??? I mean what else can we do??? I would love to hear back from you, we should start a support group for people that have to deal with hateful ex-wives.

sounds like Mom is very insecure and is jealous that her sons
like you and that the relationship is getting serious. You may have to talk to your boyfriend and see if he can talk to her I would suggest you talk to her but at this point may not be able to. One thing you could do is to write her a letter explaining that you are not looking to take her place, that you care about her boys and will do everything you can to make them feel loved and secure. assure her that you are not doing anything to seperate her from her sons or
anything that would undermine or ursurp her place as their mom. of course in order to be sure she reads it you may need to send it with the boyfriend and have him stand by while she
reads it. try to look at the situation from her point of view
she does not have a marriage, she has lost a husband, now her
boys are becoming part of another family she probably feels
left out, neglected, and jealous might also talk to the boys
and assure them that you never want to come between them and their mom or do anything that would make them unhappy depending on the age of the children and after consultation with the boyfriend you might even read the letter to them so
they know where you are coming from before you give it to her. Good luck keep remembering that she is feeling very displaced so your ability to deal with her will require patience and understanding.

Your boyfriends sons mother is probably jealous that her son has a relationship with some other woman being the mother figure instead of her. It is hard for any women to except this. All you can really do is try not to antagonize her and keep inviting his sons to the activities. It is sad to say but the person who keeps a child from the other parent like this usually ends up at the bottom because the child soon realize who is doing what and will soon draw away from them. I don't know this other person but try to put yourself in her shoes and think how you would feel if you thought some other women was filling your shoes with your children. If you think she might be violent with you just stay clear as much as possible and let the boyfriend handle dealing with her. I know it is hard because you probably are as fond of him as your own children. Hope everything goes ok for you.

First, the fact that your boyfriend is telling you that his ex could get physical with you if she sees you tells me she is a whole bucket full of crazy! Sadly, I think that this mom's insecurities are causing her son a lot of harm in the long run.
As the girlfriend I don't think that there is much you can do. Its her son,not yours. No matter how well you get along with the boy and how much you care for him, the mom will have the final say in the end... for better or worse.
I think that first you need to think about your children and thier safty. Again, if this lady is unstable enough to possibly get physical with you do you want this around your children? I say you need to think hard and long about this relationship and see if this is a road you want to continue to travel on. The drama could only get worse the longer your relationship continues and could eventually effect your children.

I'm sorry to hear about this manipulation with your boyfriend's son. Maybe asking the boys mother out for a coffee with you alone would help. Often times just talking face to face and personal can solve many emotional issues. If you fear for your safety around her, then get a brother or someone she doesn't know to sit nearby at another table as if he's a stranger.

Best wishes in get things back to fun!

~S.

The Mom maybe can't afford all the "fun things" ya'll are doing and is maybe feeling inadequate which she shouldn't her son will always love her. As far as the Dad maybe he should do more one on one time with his son only. This is a win win for everyone. Encourage your boyfriend to do that and just try and put yourself in the other Moms shoes. Parenting is tough sometimes but stepfamily issues are too. Good luck and good for you for loving his son and making him feel comfortable.

You have received some good advise and of course a few well not so helpfull. Of course she is feeling jelous, its hard to see someone making things work with someone else. Us women like to take those things person. Unfortunately this woman having person self esteem issues doesnt have since to know she's hurting her child not only you, your boyfriend and your kids. She's hurting her child the most. The only thing you can do is try and make this woman feel included like her word counts because thats the crushing thing on a broken relationship seeing someone else step up and do your job more efficient, # two don't say anything ill to any of the children, they'll figure out things on their own in good time and adding to #1 have your boyfriend talk to her on how this is hurting mostly their child and see what he can do about hearing her feelings and resolving this issue,maybe some closer if he'd assure her that your the mother of my child and Its important her well being. Maybe hearing from him that she is not being replaced as mother will make her feel more at ease. Depending on how selfish and insecure this woman is will tell if it will help things. Sometimes we just leave it to God, pray about it.

Do you and your kids live with your boyfriend?

Talking from experience, there really isn't much you can do. I am married and my husband has 2 children from his previous marriage and I have a daughter from a previous relationship and we have 2 children together. At times his ex & his daughter feel like he is closer or cares more about my daughter and our children. In all reality its not that way. My husband makes it a point to treat all children the same, even though one isn't his. I think that they tend to feel this way because my husband lives with my 3 kids and not the other too, therefore he is more involved with them on a day to day basis. He does help out a lot with the other two children, we have them at least 3 nights out of the week until there mother gets off of work, and for a while we had them almost every weekend. My husbands ex has finally got a man of her own and is going to have a new baby. I know that once they start living together she will see what it is really like, and by this I mean that her boyfriend will seam as if he is closer to my stepchildren than there father, and this is only because he will be living with them. It is already starting to happen, we go to my stepdaughters school games and we will have my stepson, and when he sees his mom and her boyfriend he goes running to the boyfriend and gives him hugs. This has upset my husband because his son doesn't even do this when he picks him up, he has to ask for a hug. I have tried to explain it to my husband and he is finally seeing what I'm saying. I feel for you cause having to deal with ex's like that is always a pain. Sad to say the children always pay. Hopefully she will open her eyes, and see that it could be worse, what if you couldn't stand her son and didn't want him around. Just hang in there. It won't really matter what you do, she will always compair the children, for example if you buy something new for your children she will feel that her child needs it too. This the current delema that I a facing. We just bought my 15 year old daughter a new bedroom set (cause she never had a nice one) and now his ex went out and bought my 13 year stepdaughter a new bedroom set, and expects my husband to pay half. His daughter already had a really nice bedroom set and no real need for a new one. His ex is constantly trying to make it a competion between the girls. Its so stupid. Just try not to let her see that she's getting to you and hopefully things will change.

Not much you can do with an "ex". She is the one being self centered because her child has more fun with you and your family. As this child grows up he will see that his mom is wrong and maybe one day she will change. Just remember not to talk bad about her to her children. And if you and your boyfriend discuss this, don't do it in front of him. Down the road he will know she was wrong and it will affect their relationship. In the mean time, you might want to pay close attention in the karate classes.....good luck.....

It may be that your profession is why she doesn't want her son around you.

The problem is not yours: it's the father's. He needs to get some back bone, especially if he has court ordered visitation. Dad should file for contempt of court if she is withholding visitation and paying child support while getting in her face. Dad should set some parameters.

She doesn't have to like you: I suspect that she is jealous, mostly of the fact that her son has a good time with you all. It's the child that suffers. Mom can do irrepairable harm because he will be conflicted and shoved into being loyal to his mom, whom he lives with.

If it were your mother, then it would be on your shoulders to "handle it". If the father doesn't see that, he will be like that with everything else, the rest of your life.

H.