I Want to Talk to the X-wives

I know your situation well. I have a 5 year old daughter with my husband and he has a 6 year old son with his ex wife. When we first started dating Elijah that's their son was 4 months old, anyway she would make up any excuse to have Chris go over there and see her instead of me. That was hard. But it got worse, I got pregnant a couple of months into our relationship and that was when she told me that it was her goal in life to make my life a living you know what. I she has done that to some extent. When I had our daughter she tried to stop Chris from see Elijah, but that did not work. He just needs to stand up to his ex and don't let her use him as a door mat. Elijah now lives with us and she gets visitation with him. Our only problem is that she lives in Houston, were we are from, and she was trying to make us drive all the way there every time she got to see him. Well we put our foot down and now we meet half way. Don't let her walk all over you. I don't consider Elijah my stepson, to me he is as much my son as my daughter is.

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I am a stepmom to 2 great kids, now grown, married, and having kids. I came into their life when they 12 & 9. Their mom liked to play games like that when they were younger. I never ever said anything bad about her to her kids and always told their Dad, don't. They will figure it out themselves and then it will be between her and them. Always be honest with them. Divorce is hard enough on the kids, don't make them monkeys in the middle, they will not be able to choose between parents.
Why she did it? I think she had alot of anger towards their Dad and kind of used visitation, money, & sometimes the kids to get back at him. In the end, the kids did figure it out and stayed close to their Dad.

Sounds just like my brother's situation with his ex. She's remarried but still treats him this way, the oldest kid is 16 and the torment they've been through watching their mother behave this way is more than either parent realizes. (I'm a sounding board to both) You need to really take an unbiased long look at their relationship, find out about the marriage itself if possible. Then really decide if you want to live this way, because it's possible this will end but also very, very possible that this won't change. Ever. Being 23, that makes the next approx 18 years a long, long time to have your life dictated by a tyrant. Good luck and if you stay, find a good sounding board of your own so you and he don't end up taking frustrations with her on each other.

Ignore her. She is your boyfriend's problem an dhe needs to handle it. I am speaking from experience. DO NOT GET INVOLVED.
It could jeopardize your relationship with your boyfriend.

The same thing happened to me once my boyfriends ex found out about me. She was always calling and harassing him and trying to spoil our evenings then threaten him about not seeing the boys if I was around. One time the boys started calling me step-mom and boy she hit the roof and called him yelling and him, I could even hear her. The only thing that I did was be an ear to your boyfriend let him vent and fuss because he will trust me. Also, when you do meet her just be the better woman and tell her hi finally good to meet you. It just killed her when I acted the little miss perfect new girlfriend. I was so respectfull and nice that even her mom likes me and the only reason I know her mom and family is because one of his sons plays baseball and I go. I hope this helps, just stick in their and don't let her ruin what you have because once she finds somebody she will forget about it all.

It sounds like this ex-wife is immature and her behavior is harmful for the child! Since she is so difficult to get along with your boyfriend, and you, will be best served if he strictly follows the visitation guidelines set forth in their divorce decree. His contact with her should be minimal, businesslike, and unemotional: he should not call her back and reprimand her when she acts out, this is just giving her the attention she wants. He needs to be the adult, record harassing phone calls and if it continues consult an attorney - or Child Protective Services if the mother is not taking care for the child's safety and welfare.
For your part, don't get involved with her, even to 'relay' messages. If he continues to swallow her bait, and allows her to disrupt his life (which also affects you) he has a problem, too. In that case you might want to reconsider your relationship with him.

M. - I fit into both categories. My second husband and I have been married for 15 years. The weekend of our wedding his ex-wife informed him she had plans and would not be able to keep their children after the wedding (the children participated in our ceremony). You can imagine how devastated we were. Fortunately for us, her brother took them for the weekend so we could continue on our wedding trip. I am not sure if it is because the ex-wives are jealous or revengeful, but she continues to be a thorn. You are in a very difficult situation as she is playing you and her ex-husband against the child. My ex-husband did the same. This is hard to accept when you both want to spend time together - perhaps you can work as a team to beat her at her own game? Anticipate the worst and perhaps you will be pleasantly surprised. Try very hard not to vent your feelings around the child - they will take it home with them and you may become the enemy. I hope this helps.

M., I am not an ex-wife, but have dealt with my husband's ex-psycho! Seriously, it has been my experience that they (exes) never get better and they never go away. We have been dragged to court about 5 times in our 12-year marriage. My oldest stepchild is 18 and we only have four more years with the younger. Through years of dealing with their mother's anger and bitterness, these once-sweet children are now a reflection of her...which is so sad. I came into this marriage thinking that everyone was like my divorced parents: never speaking evil of the other parent in the presence of the children. This is so not true in this situation. I have never dealt with anyone so unhappy and angry in my life. I really feel for you. I do not know all of the facts surrounding your boyfriend's divorce, but if you are not willing to go through more years of dealing with this lady, I would probably end the relationship with him. I hope you won't think me harsh, but unless you really love this man and want a permanent relation, I would end it now. If you are serious, make sure you knit your lives so close together that the angry barbs never get through to your marriage.

I will pray that you get wisdom to deal with your situation.

I am not an ex-wife, But my brother has been divorced twice. And I have observed the unfortunate events.

I just feel for you. My advice as an outsider, is that until you and him have stablished a relationship in which you think is forever.. meaning leading to marriage, don't get the kids involved.

Another thing, is that if you are the first person that went out with thim after his divorce, then don't take this seriously. I've seen my brother go thru his divorce, and he said he fell in love right after the divorce, and it ended up being just a passtime for him to get over his ex. Men think they get over them, but they don't.. they just replace them. And so with that I must say that if they are still at this, then I would consider staying away, and letting them deal with it. Maybe this family still has a chance. Think of the kids involved.. I just hate it when there arekids involved, and people think it's just ok to give up on the marriage... no it's not ok. YOu have to give it all you got even when it seems hopeless.. because the kids need that more than ever nowadays.
You can't just decide to have kids, and then break up... no, they are worth trying.
I'm sure you have a story to tell with your ex.. and perhaps deep down you wish it would have worked... rethink the past, and if there is any possibility that you might go back with your ex.. do it. The world is our children.. and so a family for them without this comotion of bouncing the child back and forth.. man, that must hurt.. I cannot imagine what kids feel.
Another thing to consider.. is that is someone is still hurt, then there is still love. Perhaps she still loves him, and doesn't know how to handle this.. Love is strange, and well, if you don't want drama, stay away from it. If you really love him, give him his space.
If it's meant to be yours, it will be.

Best of luck to your baby and you.

C.

Dear M.:
Been there, done that.

I would stay out of it. It sounds like the divorce was not too long ago, because such behavior should cease within a year or two at the latest. Your boyfriend is acting very appropriately. He remains courteous and lets her know that such behavior is not acceptable.

It would help to know their decreed roles, like who is the primary custodian. You COULD turn down her request, but I would always try to accommodate the child. In four years since my divorce I turned down only two days where I had plans I was not willing to change.

When I was in the phone/yelling situation, it told my ex-wife calmly and only once that I do not tolerate cuss words and yelling, and that I would hang up immediately. You cannot reason with infuriated people anyway. Since she only called when she wanted something, my hanging-up policy worked within days, and although I do not like her at all and keep the conversations brief and to the point, we can talk calmly now. Not yelling back reduces the amount of anger and ammunition. I will gladly be a boring, monotonous, cold person to talk to, if it buys me the shortest necessary exposure to my ex-wife.

I would not even question the reasons why she reschedules, just say yes or no. However, with a few exceptions I also stick to a 24h rule, meaning that I want the notice early enough to change plans without standing up someone else.

On the bright side, things get better in time. However, your partner's 'ex' (or 'current' from the other's perspective) is not one you want to get close to, if bad vibes are involved on any level. And even if not, you may be better off staying away - other than hand-offs of the children.

That's my 2 cents,
W.

Dr. Laura says you should stay away from dating until your kids are grown. I know that would be hard but she has some really good reasoning, like you distract from his kids and if you have kids together the step kids will probably feel left out.

560 AM 9-11, listen to her she's tough but great.

I would say "oh,well" and enjoy the kids. The kids will know which parent is there for them and which isn't as they get older. I am a big believer in being a parent first when you are divorced. I feel for you having to deal with someone like this ex-wife. This is one reason why I plan on never getting married again myself. I would not want to have to deal with someone like your boyfriends ex. I don't have the patience for that kind of childish behavior in adults.

Good luck to you. Just be sure you can live with this kind of thing if you ever decide to marry this guy because it doesn't sound like she is going to go away.

I have an ex-husband, so that makes me the x-wife. I have never acted the way This women to whom you speak about does. When he was dating I didn't but into his business. IF nothing else it was him that would change/cancel last minute for his own personal things. He's had girlfriends that would get jealous and didn't like us talking....even though we had to because we have 3boys together; we have to communicate. Anyway, he's married now to a wonderful women to whom I get along with. I hope everything works out! It's tough....I know. It's probably hard for her to see him with someone else and also happy. She probably doesn't want him to be happy or think he deserved to be happy. I know if I started dating before my x got married he would've had a hard time and may have tried to make things difficult for me. Just keep doing what you're doing. Be flexible, keep your cool and maybe have a back up plan for times like that. Eventually she may realize it's not fazing you guys and she might back off.
Good luck!

M.:
So sorry you're going through this! I can only tell you as an ex-wife...she's crazy! When I left my ex...I left! When he found a girlfriend, I was like PRAISE GOD!!! That way, he'd quit ruining evenings I had planned with my boyfriend.
Needless to say, his new girlfriend acted like a wife on crack! SHE would call me, screaming, yelling, demanding that I keep the girls. WHATEVER! She even tried to get me fired from my job!
Anyway...we ignored it all and eventually, they rode off into the sunset for the past four years! THANK GOD!
All you can really do is just be supportive. My boyfriend at the time (who is now my husband) just sat back and let me deal with it. I think that was the best thing he could have done! He was there for me when I needed to scream and yell. He was there for me when they would break me (it happened a few times).
He didn't step in. He didn't try to speak to my ex or his girlfriend. He just waited on the sides for me. The fact that he was so silently strong meant the world to me.
Fast forward to today: we're married, I have custody of my girls FT, my ex and his wife are nowhere in sight, my girls adore my husband and we've all moved on like a "normal" family.
I know it's hard...but just hang in there - she will eventually get bored and move on!
Good luck!

DO NOT GET INVOLVED. It's their history she's so upset with. Don't talk bad about her to the kids. When you do meet her, don't tolerate her talking bad to you. Try to always remain calm in her presence, ESPECIALLY when the kids are around. There ARE two sides to their history, but you may never know her side. Be honest with yourself. Be the type of person, regardless if the kids are listening, to EVERYONE you meet. Just because someone has hurt you in the past doesn't mean it's your job to make their life hell everytime you are around each other. Your job is to protect your daughter, his job is to protect his kids. Children deserve to be children and not deal with adult issues!

that's my two cents! Good Luck!
K.

Hi M., I have been in this situation before and the best way to handle it is to stay out of it and to be kind to her if you do have to speak with one another.

If you think about it, isn't it sad that she is hurting so much. For what ever reasons she is hurting, in times like these it is best to consider the fact that her hurt is her problem and not yours. She will need time to deal with it. You never can be certain why she feels this way. It could be past experiences with other relationships, or just bad coping skills. No one really knows. She is the one who has to deal with it and get over it so don't let it get to you.

So with that being said, it is best to keep communcation to a minimum and if possible not at all. Let your boyfriend handle it since it concerns their child. Just let her act that way and treat her with kindness and sympathy if you do have to communicate with her. Keep in mind that since they have a child together, she is a permanent fixture in their lives and it is better to keep it cordial and friendly for the long run. If you take this approach I'm certain that your boyfriend will certainly appreciate it and it will allow for better communication between you. Hopefully this is helpful.

Good Luck,

Jen

From the perspective of having delt with ex-wifes and being an ex-wife myself, my advice to you is to not have personal interaction with the ex.
It will never matter how nice you are to her or to her kid she may always blame you for everything wrong. Some will even blame you for the breakup of their marriage even if you were nowhere around when it happened.
He will always have to deal with her because she is the mother of his child...he doesn't necesarily have that connection to you...so be supportive, but don't trash-talk her and stay out of it.

Blessings

Hi! I've never been an ex but I have to deal with my husband's ex!!!!!

It has been about 12 years now. She never tried to do things like what you mentioned, but she's a crazy one. Fortunately, my husband and I have good comunication and we love each other, otherwise we wouldn't have made it this long. His ex is what I call a mental ill person, and now I realize that I probably married her as well. We now live about a thousand miles away and still she'll try to make our lives difficult. My advice -- be strong, pacient, and ask God for wisdom to deal with her for as long as it takes.Good luck!

PS. My husband's ex was unfaithful and that's why they got divorced. She left my husband when she was about 2 months pregnant and told my husband the child wasn't his. The judge ordered a paternity test as a legal process to get divorced. Surprise -- he turn out to be the biological father and then because of her lies the other man left her. She is an unhappy person and can't deal with the fact that my husband and I are happily married.

...Dear M.,
It really helps that you have a child, so you can be sympathetic and understanding of your boyfriend's need to be there for his child.

I wasn't so understanding, and unfortunately put my husband under a lot of stress compounded with the horrible behavior of his big fat EX! She made visitation so hard for my husband that he had to go to court several times just to make sure he got to see his kids...they were 2 and 4 at the time...plus she and her psycho sister made scenes that involved the children...one was so bad that my husband succeeded in obtaining a protective order against her.

Fast forward to 14 yrs. later and she is still a nuisance, but truly that is all she is...

You just have to make sure this guy is worth all the aggravation (Mine was and still is)...jealousy is a bitter pill and it doesn't matter what the circumstances were, she will always be resentful. There isn't any need to talk to her, because I can guarantee you nothing good will come of it...just remember who you are...you are a young mother who deserves respect and you need to set the example for your child. Let your boyfriend handle his ex...I still do this...it will save your sanity!

Good luck and God bless!

Don't react. It's not worth talking to them until things calm down w/ your bf. I've been there. All you can really do it hope that at some point your bf will lay down the boundaries. I realize that this wasn't that big of a deal having the kids. But if it were to happen each valentines day, I'm betting you would get tired of it. Co-parenting is one thing. His kids deserve to know that he loves them and is there for them. But it is also super important for there to be a firm foundation in at least one of the homes they are a part of. That foundation is what your boyfriend and you will provide should you marry. So, it's not unthinkable that their mother could hire a sitter. All that your bf needs to do is say "Oh, I'm sorry. I'd love to have them, but I have already made plans. I hope you can work something out. Talk to you later." and then HANG UP. There's no point in arguing. She must be at a place in her life where she CAN reason with her ex. It doesn't appear that now is going to be that time. He can lay boundaries down politely and firmly. All that your boyfriend CAN control is what he does with the boys when they are w/ him. He should NOT engage in verbal warfare with her. She is likely an angry woman, and being a woman myself.... when we're angry... reasoning isn't our #1 skill. She may be angry b/c she's jealous. She may be angry because she's had a bad day.. .who knows. That's not your or your bf job to figure out. That's her thing to tackle. All you can do is nurture your relationship together, and nurture your relationship with the children. Regardless of whether your or your bf's names are drug through the muck.. it's just not worth arguing. My bet is that somewhere along the way, she's picked up an idea of right and wrong. If she's not doing right, then it's probably becuase she's mad and she's choosing to NOT do right. Just don't react. Let your bf's children make up their own mind on who's head is screwed on straight and just work on having the best life you can. PLEASE don't do what I did and wrap your head around every comment, every move she makes. It's not healthy!
As for wanting to talk with her, don't. It's not the time. If she can't reason with him, she's not going to reason with you.
Just be the best mom you can be, and the best girlfriend you can be. Enjoy his kids when you've got them. Good luck.

I think with anyone that has been married to someone exspecially with kids there is a tiny part that says, "If I can't be happy then why should he/she!" It is selfish by nature- she is not doing herself or the child any favors though! I would not give this lady any thought though! Just ignore her behavior, and for your boyfriend I would just continue on- Don't give her any details of his personal life and if it helps don't plan things on the actual hliday date either do it the day before or after- kind of a surprise for you too... that way the ex has no idea when or where or how to ruin the next special occasion for you! Kind of puts the joke on her! Hope this helps a little and good luck- and just so you know, not all of us ex's are bitter personally I am relieved and hope not to run into my ex...

M.,

There are many reasons as to why his ex is behaving like she is and I see it often in divorces. I see both parties doing it to each other...some out and out fights that harm the children and shape their futures.

Here is my experience:

I was livid at my ex, but then again I had the right. He cheated on me before I divorced him and now he is married to her. That's fine by me, he's stopped tormenting me day and night with stalking me and my boyfriend (I met him 6 weeks after my divorce), harrassing me, and harming my sons.

My ex almost drove me insane, but now I have the man eating out of the palm of my hand, because I was a true christian back at him each and every time (he's a church of christ preacher...go figure that one out if you can). I set the example for my sons on how to behave when people are just plain mean and nasty.

Now on to you........

Time will take care of her. She's jealous because she still loves him. Did you meet him before or after his divorce?? This is an important fact for now. If after, then she is just jealous period the end that he has moved on and she hasn't. If you went out before the divorce, then she's just madder than hades that you broke up her marriage (when in actuality...it was probably a combo of downward spirals that caused the divorce). I don't know if he ignored her or abused her in some way...and she's got unresolved issues and is trying to pay him back.

Just continue to adapt and one day...she'll move on with her life. Till then, stay close to your honey and have fun with the kids. You are teaching them "HOW" to behave and react by setting the example each and every day.

Kudos to you for doing such a wonderful job and I hope that I answered your question and helped to solve your problem.

P.

I imagine it was jealousy, but you can have "Valentine" plans any day. For some reason they are no longer together and just be thankful that he is the rational one. It's good that your plans were altered and not totally ruined. It all depends on if he is the one that left her or vice versa. When my ex-husband left, I always wondered what I did wrong and how I coud have changed it or fixed it. Since that time I have come to realize that it was really nothing that I did or did not do. Sometimes it depends on how long their relationship has been over. Is she seeing anyone else? If not, she may being feeling left out and lonely which doesn't excuse her behavior. But it could help ezplain it. I honestly hope that I never have to stoop that low and ruin my ex's plans, but he has done that to me. My ex has a girlfriend who he has been with for almost a year now, but on the weekend that he knew my friend from out of state was coming to visit, he became mysteriously ill. It was his weekend to have the children. My plans changed, but my children got to meet my wonderful friend and we all had a great time. We also had "alone" time after the children went to bed. I summed it all up to, he is jealous that I have moved on, even though he did a long time ago. Some people will never be happy, and you just have to let it go and let her take care of her own problems. Enjoy the children when you have the chance and be thankful every day that you have a wonderful man who seems very rational and kind.