Help! My 21 Month Old Refuses to Cooperate in Play Groups, Meetings, Etc.

I didn't read the other posts, but I also have a 21 month old boy and he's JUST starting to actually want to play with others. He is very content playing alone. He just went through the whole separation anxiety thing again and didn't want to be left anywhere without mom or dad (except grandma's!). That went on for abut 3 months and he's finally coming out of that. I have a friend with a 3 & 2 1/2 year olds that he's just starting to want to be with. I chalk it up to the terrible two's also because anywhere like a mall he just wants to run! He may be a bit too young for preschool also. The places around here that have preschools usually don't admit kids until they're 3. Are the kids in his class the same age or older?

Hi C.,
I think 21 months is too young to expect your son to "participate" in much of anything. Even at 3, most kids do "parallel play"--they're almost oblivious to other kids, and they don't really "play together" til later on. They may play near O. another, but there's not much interaction between them. He's walking (and running!) around now and, to me, this sounds like normal behavior. He's probably just excited to explore. You just need to corral him the best you can--block the exit!
I remember restaurants being pretty much not an option at that age! Maybe just try taking him to O. activity group that he seems to like per week. Time outs didn't work for my son at that age either. Just do a firm "No!" My son did like story time lapsits at that age at the library. Seems like he wants his activities to include you at this age. Pretty normal!
If a sitter in your home seems like it works best--do that for now. It will help you maintain your sanity.
I re-read these responses and especially wanted to agree with the "don't compare him to other kids" part! For two years now, my son is ecstatic to walk around parking lots, looking in the storm drains. He does it at amusement parks, soccer practice--you name it! He is an independent thinker and has his own concept of "fun"! (Hard to accept after you pay 75 bucks to get into an amusement park and your kid just wants to look in hte drains!)

I think its funny because you sounds just like me except my son is 37 months but he is very active...i have just been trying to go with the flow he started going to a play group at the YMCA he went for the 8 weeks but i had to stop because of money and because he liked the play part but he didnt want to sit when it came to the singing...he just wants to do his own thing so i have found for him to basically leave him be him if the other parents dont understand that is there problem they are just lucky to have calm kids and hopefully never have to go threw the active ones...i now take him to a great play group at the hazleton community church its free and the mothers are great they really understand and i dont feel as stressed when we go there because i know he is just being a kid...yes i still get stressed when he doesnt want to sit threw the story or the art project. but i am dealing and things do get better...its just hard when you look at all these other kids that listen and its like why not mine but then again i love my son to death and wouldnt trade him for the worlds so i guess you need to take the good times and roll with the bad...i dont know if this helped at all but i just thought i would share you arent alone...

Hi C.. It sounds like your son is right on track with normal 21 month old behavior. He shouldn't be expected to "sit" during play group or class. He naturally wants to run and explore! :) I'd say wait a year and try again. Also, be careful not to discipline him for things that he just cannot do at his tender age. Best wishes!

My son is the same! Terrible twos and separation anxiety.

I cope by tiring him out prior to trips. If he's got his energy out and just calming down, we can sit and eat and I can get away with him at mommy's groups.

My mom always tells me to be glad that I have such a happy and active child. A mother I babysat for--4 children(3yo, 22mo, and twin 3mos) are all so mild tempered that we're worried that they will end up being drones!

Get him used to some independent time at home, like an hour or two where he can play in his room alone and learn to play alone. That will help with the separation anxiety.

I wish you the best of luck and if you learn anything new, let me know!!!
~meg

Do you think it might help to be the first to arrive and let him explore the space before the rest of the group gets there??? Maybe he is a little overwhelmed with the noise etc from the group. I don't think that indicates anything abnormal. If you take him around and talk to him about the area, this is where the children sit, these are the toys we share with our friends, this is where mommy will put your diaper bag etc etc, he might be more comfortable. And maybe if he were engaged in playing with something really cool, possibly with you, he might not notice everyone else arriving and would accept the group better. It might be worth a try.

I am not a doctor- but this type of behavior does seem somewhat concerning. The only thing I can think to suggest is to just talk to him and tell him where your going, what's going on when you'll be back. I've always found that making drop off's short and sweet work the best. Don't drag out the goodbye's. Keep it simple. Ask the preschool staff to work with you on keeping him in the room and focused on activities. There's bound to be alot of crying, trying to escape and fussing in the beginning- but it's really important for him to learn that your not abandoning him and you'll be back. As for the monthly meetings- have you tried bringing some books or activities to keep him busy? I would also set some ground rules before going into the meeting by letting him know that he is to sit quietly with you and he can play with his toys.

My thought is that your son is only 21 months, not even 2 yet....most kids don't usually "participate" in school until age 3. I know my 21 month old is a maniac at times, especially when I want him to behave, though if he is like my other boys he will calm down. He is usually behaved at dinner if we go out, but his brothers are and he mimics them a lot of time - so if they were acting out he would be too.
When we go to the playground he is the one I have to keep chasing back into the play area, he is an explorer.

I do not think any of what you said is abnormal behavior for his age...I have been through it 4 times now and will be glad once my last is out of this stage!! LOL.

One thing to do is to keep reminding him that if he does not behave you will leave (this will work especially if he really likes what you are doing). Instead of the playground, maybe go on a "nature walk" so he can do the exploring he seems to like. For dinners out I usually make sure I bring some noiseless things for him to do just in case there is a long wait (a mini pack of crayons and some blank paper does the trick).

Good luck!

He is only 21 months. Kids do not play with eachother until they are 4. They may seem like they interact, but each have their own little world. It looks like he is an independent child. My kids were the same when they were his age.
He is fine. Don't expect him to interact with other kids until later on. As for going out with him, almost all the kids do the same. I am amazed when I see kids sitting still at the restaurant. When my kids were sitting still, then I knew that a cold, flu was coming
Let him play and I am sure that he will "mature" with age.

Welcome to the terrible twos. My son did this to. I don't like using this term because it seems to be a catch all. But he'll grow out if it. I know its frusterating but he will. Meanwhile just do the best you can to keep his interest like bring a bag a toys and coloring books that he only gets while your out running errands or in the mom's meeting. Our son was horrible when we took him out to eat so we went to buffets so he could get up with me to go get his food and there was no wait time to be served. This helped with him wanting to run around. Just try to remember he's still a baby and sitting for long periods of time (well short for everyone else) just isn't always possible.

Hi C.,
Your son is perfectly normal. I think he's just letting you know that he's not ready yet for pre- preschool. He's not even two yet, he's still a baby. Girls tend to mature faster than boys. And it sounds like he is an active boy. I would hold off on the whole pre-school thing until he shows interest.
And as far as him running off, that's normal....he wants his freedom. If you need to keep him contained just keep him in his stroller. He'll learn quick enough that if he runs away from you, then he goes on "lock down" in the stroller.
Best of luck to you.

Even if your son would stay in a play area, he is at that age where children play alongside each other, not with each other. That will come with age and he will eventually play with other children naturally.

Have you ever tried going somewhere he could run free? Perhaps he has more energy than a playground will burn off and he knows it. When my daughter and I would get out she loved running around a field by our house. We would take balls to kick, but she really liked being chased. Good luck.

C.,
I completely understand what you are experiencing, including the emotional aspects. My son is now 4. He was the kid that that always played by himself or was acting out and running away while other kids sat so nicely behaved. I talked to his pediatrician at every visit, because I found it so frustrating. Each time she assured me that he was okay. She stated that kids at that age are supposed to be moving around and exploring the world.

I placed him in daycare around 17 months because I worked full time. He did not start to play with other kids until around age 3. I hugged and kissed him when he came home and said he had "friends". To this day, he does not really participate in circle time, but he likes to have one-on-one talks and he is very artistic to the point that his teachers said I should enroll him in an art program.

One word of advice that I had to learn is to not compare him to other children his age. Every child is different and has different needs. So don't be overly concerned.

Wow! This sounds so familiar! I have a three yr old little boy who was a lot like this. We would go to playgroup and he would play by himself or just watch everybody else. At the park he wouldn't stay with the group either.

We were just patient with him. We kept taking him to new places and trying new things. We would take him into situations and let him know we would be back. He often cried so I would give in also. ( It would be full out fit and crying for 45 min. if I left him!) He hated sitters and would cry forever if we took him.

But all of a sudden he turned 3 and he would go to nursery at church and no crying! It was amazing. He is more social now. I kept taking him into social situations.

I suggest you keep doing what you are doing. He is still very young. Take him by the hand and introduce him to a little buddy. Have a playdate at your house, teach him how to play with others and he may take to it other places. It takes boys longer to grow that social maturity that little girls seem to be born with!

Good luck!

OMG!!! I know exactly what you are going through! Your guy sounds just like my baby. The only thing I can think to do is give him enough space to run and get ready to run if he gets too far. In a smaller setting I try to give him enough room to have side by side play. If he doesn't interact don't worry. At this age they are so self absorbed that the play is supposed to be self oriented.

He will start getting words all of a sudden and you will be amazed at how quickly they come along.

It can be the terrible two's but you can manage it. They do understand time out's at this age too. When my little guy throws a fit we stop him put him on the step and say right to him" you are in time out for throwing a fit. you will stay here for one minute that will start when you are calm." He understands us perfectly and he is getting better at not throwing a fit. I am starting to think that at this age they understand us more than we give them credit for. Diaper changes used to be the worst for us, kicking and screaming for every change. I started to tell him as I was getting ready to do it "I am going to change your diaper and if you kick or scream you will go to time out after wards." I just changed a diaper with no problems. After the easy change I always praise him for cooperating with me and isn't it so much nicer this way?

Sorry for the novel but I was so excited to share my experiences with the mom of another "wrecking ball"!

Good luck,
Cia

You know, when they say each child is different, that couldn't be more true! My daughter would sit nicely from a very early age, and was always very interested in whatever the activity was. My son, a completely different story. I enrolled him in a pre preschool class and he refused to stay. They all mature a different rates, and I decided he just wasn't ready. I waited the extra year and now he's on the older side for the class, but he likes it and is doing great. 21 months is still very young--maybe your son just needs more time to grow and develop in his own way. I found that the more I forced it, the more resistant my son was--he needed to decide when he was ready! Strong willed, anyone?

Your 21 month old isn't even 2 yet. This is absolutely no surprise. Even at 3, children do not really play together, rather, they play side-by-side. I would not enroll my child in any kind of pre-school prior to age 3.

My 4 children all went to daycare from 6 to 8 weeks on, so they learned that Mom and Dad left them, and returned again, and they lived in a world with other children. Even so, at 2 years old, an environment without their primary care giver (you or the daycare person in our case) would be a challenge.

Play groups are okay, but maybe you should stay with your child in the play group until he is comfortable there, and feels the location and people there are safe. THEN, you can try leaving again.

When we moved to our current home, I became a stay-at-home mom for the 1st time. Our youngest was 3. She had been in daycare all her life, but when we took her to church, she wouldn't let me leave her in her Sunday School class which was team taught by a mom and dad. I stayed in 3 yr old SS for about 3 months until she felt safe there. At that point, it was kind of exciting to go to an "adult" class and get to know my peers. Other options? If you want to go to the moms group, and your child doesn't feel safe in the day-care part, do you have a family member who will babysit at home? I wouldn't force my child out of his comfort zone when it is unnecessary, and when it will be a whole lot easier at a more mature age. Even 6 months will make a big difference in your child's development.

In preparation for separation from Mom, does he go to visit friends whose moms are your friends? So he's used to going to different places and being with other kids with Mom present? I would start getting him used to that, rather than expecting him to have you simply walk out and leave him where he is. Young children do not have a conception of time, so when you say, "I'll be back soon," he only knows you are leaving him.

Another good thing to do is to play peek-a-boo. Believe it or not -- peek-a-boo reinforces the idea that you still exist, even when he can't see you. If you can find children's books that deal with topics like going to pre-school, or play group, or whatever -- things that might cause anxiety for your son -- buy those, and read them together. Read the books before you buy them, however. You want to be sure you approve of the message - just because they are childrens' books and have passed through the publishing editors does not make them good books. :-)

Above all -- no matter what else you do -- ENJOY your son. Make sure he also knows you enjoy him. He's gonna grow up, and in 4 years he'll be in kindergarten and you'll be wondering where the baby went. It's hard to believe, and you never quite can conceptualize that until it happens. Try to slow down, relax, lower your expectations a little, and simply enjoy having him in your life. Parenting can be incredibly frustration, but it is also a source of great joy and love. You and he will both get there !

My best to you on your journey !

barb

Regarding discipline: I think you are right on about the time-out thing. He is petrified every time to leave him alone, and if you did a time out thing, I don't think it would work. I usually gave whatever order I was giving, and counted to 3, often re-issuing the order along the way. When the child didn't obey at 3, then I simply walked into the situation, held my child, gave the order and forced compliance (gently). The child understands that he can do it himself, or you can force him to do it, but either way, he WILL do it. I think that's more effective because you get the result you want without having to get angry. Obviously, in a dangerous situation, you move in as soon as you give your command, but for everyday behavior issues, help your child to WANT to obey you, by reinforcing the good behavior, and forcing the required behavior, then hugging when it's done, rather than making a big issue out of disobedience.

My son is also 21 months old, but he is completely different. The only thing I can tell you is to do things in small steps. For instance, maybe take him to a family restaurant one night that is noisy. Make sure you bring crayons, toys, books, etc. to keep him occupied and ask the waitress to bring his food out whenever it is ready. This way, he will have things to play with and soon food to eat. Continue to keep taking your son to places like the park where it doesn't matter if he is social or not with other children and if he is loud. The more you expose him to the world around him, the more he will want to be a part of it! Good luck!

You are certainly not the only one and I feel the behavior is completely normal boy behavior. My 25 month old runs out of the mall play area too!! I really think that he is just bored or maybe a little scared of all of the kids there (some of them are kind of wild as I am sure you have seen). I have found that when something appeals to him and he is not bored, then he does not run. For example, we had him enrolled in a kindermusic class--this was way over his head and all he did was run to the door. I spent the whole hour chasing him and we were both miserable. Now he is in Gymboree, he occasionally runs out but for the most part, it is such a fun atmosphere for him that he enjoys, so his behavior is completely different then when we had him in the other class. My suggestion would be to find places that he enjoys and can run to his heart's content. As far as playing with other kids, kids at your son's age are very unlikely to play with each other. Then can do parellel play (play alone next to another child who is playing). Rare do they do interactive play with other childern at this age. This is well-documented. One tip for the restaurant that we find works is to take along a portable DVD player with his favorite DVD. My little one usually sits still long enough for us to get a meal in. We always ask the waitress to bring his food first so he can start eating (toddlers take their good old time) and it keeps his occupied. Please do not worry--your little one sounds just like mine!! They hate being confined. Good luck!