HELP ME!! I Am Jealous of My Sister's PREGNANCY

I completely understand your situation more than you could possibly know. We tried for over 11 years before becoming parents. I had so many friends and my sister that got preggers and reaised their kids all the while I struggle each and every month. So many baby showers and births. I was so jealous and wanted want they had so much, not that I didn't want them to have theirs, I just wanted to be apart of it all too. So when I started finding myself having a hard time enjoying their happiness I asked myself what I would want and I decided that I would treat them how I would want to be treated. So, when they talked about being preggers, i thought yes, I'll want to talk & share about it too, and so it helped not get so upset. I bought nice thoughtful gifts for my friends and I attended their showers and I even hosted the biggest hugest baby shower for my SIL who was due to the unplanned pregnancy was having money troubles. So i helped her out and i ended spending about $800 on her shower & gifts. It was hard!! So very hard, but I'm so glad I have all those memories with my friends & family. We finally adopted and when we brought our little girl home, we had friends who had placed balloons on the mailbox and on our porch so that when we got home it was such a nice surprise. With adoption, we had to have all the necessary stuff before we were place with a baby, but that didn't stop all those wonderful people from throwing me the biggest baby shower ever!! I think I had like 200 people there women & men!! It was all a surprise and we got so many great things and lots of gift cards and so for about 2 years, diapers and clothes were paid for. I could shop for my baby & not worry about the cost, but the best thing was seeing how happy everybody was for our great fortune and we felt their love and it was awesome and I'm glad my daughter was there to be apart of it even if she was too young to know. When I finally did get preggers with my son, 6 months later, it was such a blessing to experience, but not as much fan fare. so, I vote for do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Have faith and and know that your day will come when it is your time and not a second before. I hope this helps you. those were the hardest years of my life cause I felt so helpless. About 6 months prior to the adoption, I miscarried.That was the hardest thing for me to cope with, but very common amongst women who have a hard time getting pregnant. I refused to let myself get carried off to a negative unhealthy place. I am proud of myself for that. One year to the day of my miscarriage, the adoption was finalized and I found out I was pregnant with my son. So I have balance, that day, Aug 29th has meaning to me for i lost a child and gained two.

8 moms found this helpful

Oh Honey it is an exciting time as when you do conceive that will be the highlight of your conversations as well right,so let it slide off your shoulders & smile the more jealous you get the harder it'll be for you to enjoy the get me pregnant time with your hubby

6 moms found this helpful

I really do hope you are pregnant, V., so that we can blame your statement "It's not fair" on pregnancy hormones. At 24 years old, 11 years younger than your sister whose biological clock is ticking away, you are really old enough to not have this attitude about someone other than you being pregnant.

I know it feels like you've been trying a long time, but six months is not long. You can only conceive less than one week out of a month. One thing that is SURE to keep you from getting pregnant easier is stressing so hard about it. That's why couples often find out they're pregnant after they've gone on vacation together, because they are relaxed and enjoying themselves.

Unless you think your sister is throwing her pregnancy up in your face, it's not really fair to expect her to never say anything about being pregnant. You should, like the other ladies mention, tell her you are having a hard time with it. And then you need to get over this. If you don't, you may end up loathing the baby. If that happens, then that is something you should be ashamed of. If you find that you can't stand the baby, help her find another situation and get her moved out so that you won't be around them.

Is your sister a bum? Is she a bad mother? Does she do drugs? If she is a decent person, she probably feels that at some point she will meet the perfect guy and he'll want to be a father to her kids. And though she may not have meant to get pregnant (not trying to sometimes works better than trying hard to), she is probably happy about it and looking forward to a life with two, possibly being glad that she's not 40 and trying to have a baby - in other words, making lemonade out of lemons. (Lemons being the 'not married' part of getting knocked up.)

Fess up to her, tell yourself you are going to get past this, and then enjoy your time with your husband. That will go a long way toward your ultimate goal of having children, without the mid-30 march of time so many of us have dealt with in our lives, when 6 months is a lot longer time to wait to get pregnant.

Sincerely,
D.

5 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time conceiving, but you can't expect someone who is pregnant not to mention it or talk about it around you. Especially your own sister.
She'll start showing and eventually a baby will be born. You need to try to get your feelings in perspective before that happens.
You yearn for a baby. That's understandable. But you can't have the mind-set that people who can have children somehow don't deserve it because you are not getting pregnant.
Have you talked to your doctor? I'm wondering if it's possible you are having some depression.
My friend just got a brand new car. I'm jealous. I wish I had one. But, I don't expect her not to talk about it or drive it when she comes over because it might hurt my feelings.
A child is not a car, but you get my point.
I have said this in posts before.....maybe you are trying too hard and focusing too much on getting pregnant. If you obsess about something, you are constantly setting yourself up for disappointment if it doesn't happen when or how you expect it to.
I have good friends who spent most of their life savings on IVF. Every specialist in the country. She accepted that she would never have a child so they spent the rest of their savings, plus went into debt, building a new house and getting new cars and going on a cruise.
You'll never believe what happened a few months later.
She got pregnant.
I know someone who was on a waiting list for years to adopt a baby and within a year got pregnant after adopting a child.
I think that sometimes just letting it go and giving it to the universe or God or whatever your beliefs are is the best thing.
My own son is living proof.
I finally accepted that I would never get pregnant again. There was no point in hanging on and being ill. I was scheduled for a hysterectomy and ready to just get it over with.
Guess what?
My kids are 10 years apart, but hey....
I quit focusing. I quit taking pregnancy tests month after month after month because I never had periods and didn't know if I was pregnant or not.
I was over putting myself through that.
SURPRISE!

I can't tell you what to do about your feelings. I think you should talk to your doctor. I think you have to not be so sensitive about your sister being pregnant. I think you need to relax a bit and let what happens happen for you.
If you never give birth, you can't change that. You can't expect everyone else to stop doing it.
Really, honestly, with all my heart I hope you can allow yourself to relax and not torture yourself.
What have you got to lose by trying that perspective?

Best wishes.

4 moms found this helpful

Two thoughts- it's okay to feel how you are feeling, but if it's upsetting you just tell her that you are having a hard time with trying to conceive (which she already knows) and that while you are so excited for her, you are having a hard time "talking baby" with her.

I know it's hard to believe, but when you become pregnant you will talk about little else and remember that not everyone around you will be in a good place to "hear it", but they will likely listen kindly and let you be excited too!

4 moms found this helpful

She probably has NO idea, that speaking of her pregnancy is hurting you. You need to talk to her and be honest. Tell her you are having a hard time emotionally since you've had trouble conceiving. You're happy for her and can't wait to meet the baby, but you're hurting and talking a whole lot about it, is very hard on you. Tell her, that you don't want to hurt her feelings, but you might not be able to talk about it for a while, until you can figure out how to deal. I think if you approach her kindly, she will understand. However, you have no right to think she's being insensitive without her knowing how you feel. She can't read your mind.

4 moms found this helpful

Hey V.,

As you know I have PCOS. My husband and I tried for a year before we were able to get pregnant. My sis-in-law and best friend gave birth and got pregnant again while we were trying. I found myself thinking how unfair it was sometimes, but I simply couldn't help but be overwhelmingly happy for her. It wasn't her fault that we couldn't get pregnant, and I could just see how happy and excited she was.

When she first found out she was pregnant the second time, she didn't tell me for a while. I found out from the rest of the family. My MIL told me that she was worried about telling me and our other sis in law (they have been unable to get pregnant as well) because she was worried how we would feel about it. To be honest I was more hurt that she didn't tell me because she thought I would be negative about it.

Then when I finally did get pregnant, I was SOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!! I was so grateful to be pregnant that I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't complain ever about it. My husband told me during my first trimester a few times that I needed to tone it down a bit because wouldn't Megan (my other sis-in-law) be feeling badly about it. It really bothered me that I would have to tone down my happiness because someone else might be too sensitive.

I know that sounds very selfish, but I had been trying soo hard, and it was FINALLY my turn, and I wasn't allowed to show how happy I was? I finally told him that I knew how she felt. Had he forgotten that that had been us only a few months ago? And yet when my other sil told us she was pregnant, I was still happy for her. I didn't hold it against her that she was pregnant, and I wasn't.

I guess what I'm saying is think about how happy you will be when it finally happens for you. That happiness is going to consume you. It's hard to think about anything else. And what if in your happiness you do just like your sister is doing, and someone were to ask you to stop making comments (that lets be honest are really to remind yourself that yes, you really are pregnant). I was actually a little upset with my husband for suggesting that I shouldn't show my happiness.

Instead of getting angry with her for her comments, use it as fuel or a boost to pick yourself up again when you feel like it's hopeless or like it's never going to happen. Have faith that it will happen, pray that it will happen, and never give up.

3 moms found this helpful

I think it's healthy that you can admit that you're feeling jealous. I empathize because we couldn't get pregnant for 10 years. I used to feel so jealous and left behind every time someone announced they were pregnant. After several years I came across the verse in Romans 12 where Paul says to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Now is your time to rejoice with your sister however painful it may be for you. Your day will come when everyone will rejoice with you. Hang on a little while longer.

2 moms found this helpful

i don't think she is being rude.. she is not being insensitive you are just being sensitive.. i hope you get it..

2 moms found this helpful

Honestly, I think she's being rude if she knows that you've been trying. So you are justified in feeling the way you feel. I don't know if there is a way to let her know that you are happy for her, but that you are also super sensitive because of your own situation and ask her to be more sensitive with you about the situation? Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

A pregnant woman (or even those of us trying to get pregnant) has a very hard time NOT talking about the baby, or thinking of anyone else but the baby. I know its hard for you, but please don't ask or expect her to not talk about her pregnancy. That would be very unreasonable and hurt her deeply.
Force yourself to be happy for her, give her the love and attention that you want when you are pregnant.

2 moms found this helpful

Try to be happy & hope her "pregnancy vibes" rub off on you. It does happen! dont be resentful :)

1 mom found this helpful

I'm so sorry. I can relate! I have friends who have had two or three babies in the time all I've had are miscarriages and infertility and a stillbirth. When my sister had her little girl I just had to force myself to ignore all those little things that made me feel bad. She wasn't TRYING to make me feel bad.

It's especially difficult when you live with her, I understand that. Maybe you should apologize to her, that way you can open communication and let her know how bad you are feeling without putting her on the defensive.

And if you'd like some advice/support in the baby making area, feel free to email me.

S.

1 mom found this helpful

Someone's feelings are already hurt - YOURS! Whether it is intentional or not, she is hurting your feelings with these things she says. A heart to heart talk is needed quickly before it gets worse.

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Well I do agree that when you are pregnant it consumes you and that is all you want to talk about and think about BUT I also find it very rude of your sister to not be able to control herself around you. Like you said she knows you having been trying to get pregnant for a while. How could she not be sensitive enough to know she needs to keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum...at least around you? If I were you I would just try and change the subject when she starts to bring it up. Or you could always come out and tell her that it's hard for you to always hear about her pregnancy cause you want to be pregnant so badly. And that it would be nice if she could not bring it up so much. She should understand how you feel. So sorry and don't give up, you'll get pregnant soon.

1 mom found this helpful

I think the way you are feeling/acting is totally normal but I also think the way is acting is normal. You are a wonderful sister to have her in your home on a living basis! If she feels she can afford to get pregnant again, it sounds like she can afford to come up with living arrangements on her own. I love my 2 sisters with all my heart and if needed, we would open our doors to each other in a flash however, we wouldn't take advantage of the situation and the goal would be to move on and be independent as soon as possible. During the living time together you both need to fully understand where the other one stands and be understanding of this. Talk to her about your feelings and get them out in the open before it becomes this huge elephant in the room.

1 mom found this helpful

6 months isn't that long to be trying! Keep at it! Also, I think it's a little harsh for you to be feeling this way toward her....I applaud you for admitting to feeling this way, but if the tables were turned and she was jealous of you, how would you feel? If you are pregnant, you will quickly discover how much the pregnancy takes over your life. Everything changes, everything. Good luck on conceiving, I hope it all works out for you!
L.

1 mom found this helpful

I felt the same way when I miscarried on my second pregnancy. I was scared that I would not be about to have another child. I watched my friends at church who were pregnant or had new babies and I felt almost jealous. I cried myself to sleep many a night fearing that I would only have the one child. There is a 5 year gap between my oldest and my middle child. That was a long 5 years.

She does seem to be a little insensitive, but she my not be realizing it. When you are pregnant, it consumes your every thought. Your whole body changes and you can't help but notice. Also, you are feeling very sensitive about it because you are wanting a baby of your own so much that it hurts. Those feelings are normal.

Also, from reading your previous post, I see that your cycle is quite late and you suspect pregnancy and the Dr. says no. Stress can cause your cycle to be late. You are stress yourself with trying to get pregnant. This maybe why your cycle is late. When I was trying to get pregnant with my first child, my cycles went from normal 28 day cycles to 38 day cycles. This was most likely because I was becoming stressed with trying. I see that you are currently about 17 days late. You might ask for a blood test, but most likely you are not if it is not registering on a pregnancy test. If it would ease your mind that you would not be aborting a pregnancy by taking the meds that the doctor recommend, ask for a blood test.

1 mom found this helpful

I am sorry that you feel that way and I cross my fingers that you are pregnant, but you have to realize how excited she is for being pregnant. But since you feel this way, you are going to have to talk to her like an adult. If her feeling are hurt, then she isn't very considerate and maybe shouldn't be living with you.

1 mom found this helpful

This is a tough situation for you, I totally understand. It took us 2 years to get pregnant with my daughter and 18 months to get pregnant with my son, and lots of failed fertility treatments. It seems like when you are struggling to conceive that everybody is pregnant.

It is very difficult to not be jealous. It is totally normal and something you, unfortunately, have to deal with.

That being said, it is equally as difficult for your sister to not be totally absorbed with the baby growing inside her. Hopefully, you will feel the same way very soon.

I think your sister is being somewhat callous and maybe you should just sit her down, just the two of you, and tell her that she is hurting your feelings. I wouldn't expect or ask her to not talk about her pregnancy at all, but do just let her know how your heart is breaking and maybe she will tone it down.

When I was trying to conceive my first, my best friend got pregnant with her 3rd child. She couldn't bring herself to even tell me and even started to avoid me when it was becoming obvious that she was pregnant. That hurt me. Even though it was so difficult dealing with my jealousy, I wanted to be happy for her so much.

All in all, this is an issue you need to work on within yourself. There will be pregnant women all around you and they aren't all going to keep silent.

1 mom found this helpful

When you are pregnant it really does consume you. Everything you do revolves around it and you cannot help but talk about it. Since you live with her you are hearing all of it...what a woman would typically say to her spouse. So unless she is really overdoing it and it seems like she is doing it to spite you then I would let it go.

Can you get a mutual friend or family member to gently say something to her about it? Something like" I really feel for V.-it must be kind of hard for her with you being pregnant and living with her and all. how has she been taking it?" Then if she doesn't realize what she is doing she will after that.