How to Tell a Friend Who Can't Have Children

Hi, I have read the other responses below and I would have to agree completely with what they had to say. Back about nine years ago I had a stillborn at 8 months into my pregnancy. It was a little girl. My family and friends were always hesistant to tell me when they were pregnant. Yes, I was a little jealous of them at first but it didn't change my friendship at all. I was just as happy for them as they would have been for me. Tell her. I am sure she won't be upset at you for something that will be joyful. Yes, she will probally be sad but it will pass.

When I found out I was pregnant with our first, I had a good friend at work who had recently found out she would never have children of her own without serious fertility treatment (IVF). I was terrified to tell her even though we'd been trying for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant.

She was the first one of my friends to show up for work that day (I was always ver early because of my Husband's job). Since it was just the two of us I told her I needed to talk to her.

As soon as I said the words, "I'm pregnant," she started crying & hugged me tight. I told her how scared I was of hurting her & she said, "Don't you dare feel guilty about this baby. I couldn't be happier for you. I know how badly you want this baby & I would never hold it against you."

She was so supportive & listened to all my pregnancy talk & news the entire nine months. She even learned to crochet a sweater just for our baby.

Tell your friend face to face if possible & be gentle about it. It may even be a good distraction for her from her own problems. You can never tell.

As I am 'that friend' who cannot have children, I would like to offer my advice.
While your friend is going through a difficult time, I agree with the others that if you are honest with her and explain your concern for her and her reaction to your news, I am certain she will appreciate it.
We have been unsuccessful in our attempts to reach parenthood for over 10 years, and while I am sometimes completely devastated when I hear others' blessed news, it does not diminish my joy for their good fortune.
Letting her know that you have genuine concern for her feelings will help her to know that you care about her. And hopefully, either right away or in time, she will be as happy as you are that you are expecting. Just don't be surprised if she needs some distance from you for awhile...just offer your support if she needs/wants it.
Good Luck!

If this is a good friendship, she will be happy for you all the same. Now, that's not to say that privately she will not be devistated that it is you and not her, but outwardly, she will be happy for you just as you would with her. I think it may be more hurtful for her if she were to find out from someone other than you.

I found out I was pregnant the same time a good friend suffered a horrible miscarriage. I kept the news from her for a little bit, then I told her. I felt like I needed to shelter her, but I didn't need to. She was my friend and was very happy for me & my family to be adding an additional little one. If she is your friend, she will be happy for you despite what is going on in her life.

L. W.

It sounds like you have already figured out that you need to tell her privately and gently. Having been in your friend's shoes, I would have appreciated someone just understanding my sensitivity and telling me privately, rather than in a big announcement to others.

When my younger sister announced she was pregnant for the 2nd time at a family Christmas gathering, I was devastated. What hurt me most was that she knew I had been struggling with infertility and she didn't let me know first, before the family announcement. She never approached me after the announcement either. It was as if she wasn't sensitive at all to my feelings. Had she told me first and told me that she was worried about my feelings, I would have felt so much better and happier for her.

You will do just fine -- just tell her privately and let her know that you are sensitive to her feelings.

L. L.

I think the fact that you seem to understand how difficult your good news will be for her to receive will go a long way in how she'll handle it. I was on the other end for several years when I couldn't have the children I so desired. I appreciated it very much when my friends were honest and told me that they were worried that their good news would be difficult for me to hear and then would tell me. It opened the door for conversation if I wanted it and in all honesty, while I may have been a bit jealous and unable to rejoice with them in the news or hear about pregnancy conversations often, I was genuinely always happy for them. I suggest telling her honestly about your concern in sharing your news and letting her guide how much she is able to share in your happiness.

I was in a similar situation with a friend. We were pregnant at the same time. Her baby was stillborn a few weeks before our baby was born. The one thing I know for sure bothered her was to hear others complain about their children, or pretend that they were not excited about having another baby. That was more cruel to her because she felt that the other people did not even appreciate what they had - or who they had. It also made her feel like people could not be themselves around her and treated her differently because of what she had been through. It made her feel very isolated. I wouldn't put it off very much longer, have faith in your friend and your friendship. Be open with her about your feelings.

You do it in private. You say, looking her straight in the eye, "You know how much I care about you and I know what a tough time you are going through right now. Because you and I are close, I want to share something with you but I have worried about how you might feel I want to tell you. But I thought about it and we are friends, so I believe that even while you are having these trials you can still be happy for me. I'm pregnant." Then listen to how she feels about it. You may be surprised. Being someone who could not have children, I know how I would feel if my close friend did not tell me and I found out from someone else. It would be too much.

First of all.. It is so amazing that you are sensitive to your friends plight. I have been there and it is really rough. I can't tell you how insensitive many people were to me when I was going through Infertility treatment, and unless you have faced it, you just don't know. My advice is to just let her know and she will share in your joy and be happy for you.

Your friend will be happy for you. If she found out that you were keeping it from her then that would be even worse!! Tell her to try accupunture(sp) a firnd of mine tried for years and years and this worked. She has a happy 9 month old.

If she is having marital problems, the LAST thing she needs is to bring a child into this! Her focus should be on their relationship. A child WILL NOT FIX THAT! When the time comes to tell her, and you'll know, just remind her that she does NOT want to bring a child into a troubled marriage. She can't focus on both and give either one what it needs and deserves.

Remind her that you'll be there to listen, etc when she needs it. If she wants to come visit and play with your kids, set aside a weekly visit or bi-monthly visit for that. That may be some of the best "therapy" she could get. I know having a toddler around certainly helped take the stress off some of the things I was facing the past couple of years. A differenct situation, but "therapy" none the less. Plan projects, visits to museums, etc. for all of you to go. This could be a stress reliever for her, too.

If it turns out that you do wait and she ends up noticing, then just tell her that you are more concerned about her and her marriage. This is unselfish and not withholding. Sometimes, it's not appropriate to just say, "OH, BY THE WAY.......". You'll know when it's the right time. Don't force it. Concentrate on her right now. If you think there's a chance someone else might tell her, you need to start a conversation by saying, "I want to listen to what you're feeling and dealing with right now, but I you need to know this and I want to make sure you hear it from me." Remind her again that you haven't told her until now because she needs someone to listen and have been more concerned about her situation.

Hi L.,

I was the friend who couldn't have her own child and I had several friends that felt just as you do. They were afraid to share their good news with me (because they loved me and didn't want to upset or hurt me). Trust me, it is much better she hear it from you than through the grapevine. I must admit I felt envious and even a little jealous that it wasn't me but was always happy for their blessings. I felt awkward too. Everyone knew how much I wanted a child and what I had gone through to conceive but, bottom line is friends share, comfort and support one another. Good or bad. That's what makes us friends. I wish you all the luck and will keep you in my prayers. Enjoy your blessing!

If you guys are good friends, then I would just say something like "Well, I've been waiting for a good time to tell you this, but since there never seems to be a perfect one....I'm pregnant" I mean, just because she is unable to have kids and is going through things in her own life doesn't mean that she can't be happy for you.

L., I have a friend who has one child and when I got pregnant with my second child, it was hard to tell her, because she had thought she was pregnant about a month before I found out and she wasn't. Honestly my opinion is that if she is a TRUE FRIEND she will be happy for you, it's not your fault she can't get pregnant. I also have an aunt who never was able to have kids and it bothered me to know that she spent thousands of dollars trying and I was able to get pregnant easily. I would tell her as soon as you can so she doesn't think you were trying to hide it. Good luck.