I'm Suddenly Pregnant. How Do I Tell My Friends Who Are Struggling to Conceive?

Congratulations to you & your husband!

I love all the advice given. My husband & I also fall in the fertility challenged group. We now have one son that is a fertility treatment miracle, and a son & daughter that are adoption miracles.

I only write because I didn't see it mentioned. Please try not to complain about the uncomfortable pregnancy moments in front of your friends. I think that was the worst for me, when friends would be whining about morning sickness, or swollen feet, or not sleeping, etc. I just kept thinking, "You should be grateful for these things. I would give anything to have morning sickness."

So just be sensitive. The fact that you asked the question on this board shows that you are a kindhearted friend.

God bless.

Congratulations to you J.-- most importantly on your marriage and also on your new baby! Your family must be so joyful! God's timing is always best, isn't it?

My husband and I are both "broken" as he puts it, so biological children are just not an option for us. God has blessed us with two amazing daughters through adoption. I could not love them more if I delivered them myself, and am so thankful that God brought them to us. We fully believe that we are "broken" because we were meant to parent these precious girls. I had a lot of grief during our infertility journey, but God has healed my heart completely, for which I am so very grateful.

With that said, I remember how devastating it was not to be able to conceive. I used to resent the "expectant mom parking spaces" at the grocery store-- it just felt the whole world was able to have a baby except for me and it was constantly in my face.

If the women at work are good friends, then they will most likely be very happy for you, but it will be a bit painful for them, too. thinking back to my own situation, I think I would have appreciated if you had come to me privately and quietly shared your news. If they don't respond much, don't take it personally, remember they are trying to keep it together themselves. I would not share that you were not even trying or anything like that. Just let them know that you wanted them to hear it from you. If there will be a big "announcement" at work that you are pregnant, do it before that announcement. Don't intentionally hide things from them about the pregnancy, but do be sensitive too. It sounds like you already are doing that.

God bless you and your family, wishing you a safe & healthy pregnancy!
Hugs,
A.

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! As far as how to tell your friends, I can say from experience, that someone else being able to conceive easily only will make your friends even more happy for you. We tried for a very long time to conceive our first. Although it was quite frustrating, we never wanted to see our friends struggle the way that we did. We had several friends share their enws with us during our struggle and we were so glad to know that they did not have to endure the difficulties that we did. Plus, it allowed us to live vicariously through them until we were finally able to conceive. Share your joyous news with your friends - I promise they will be thrilled for you!

Congratulations!! I had trouble conceiving and some of my well meaning friends tried keeping it from me or "sugar coating" it. That really bothered me. I mean, their good news didn't change what I was going through at all. I was happy for them and I hated to think that their joy was taken away by worrying about me! I know not everyone is that way though.

I preferred for them to just tell me just like everyone else. Be open to them wanting to talk about how it makes them feel, but I think it's fine just to tell them.

You shouldn't feel guilty. . .you did nothing wrong!! Congratulations!

Be up front that you are pregnant. I a few months it'll be pretty obvious anyway, then they'll be hurt that you didn't tell them, esp. if they're friends. Tone it down. DON'T gloat about it or bounce around and rub it in their face. Just tell them and move on. They'll be sad that they haven't conceived but happy for you if friends. Probably wouldn't tell them it only took a month either. That's rubbin' it in their face.

First of all Congrats on the blessing of a little one on the way and how wonderful to hear of God's grace in your marriage--I really believe He works on our behave in all areas of our lives.

As far as telling your friends, who are having difficulty getting pregnant, this is a tough one. I was in the same situation when I got pregnant with my daughter--after trying for only 2 weeks. A dear friend of mine had had several miscarriages and many other struggles. I told her before I told any other friends, as I wanted her to hear from me and not through the grapevine. I expressed how I realized that this might be a difficult time for her and that she could be as involved as she wanted and I understood if she wanted to not be apart of the celebration. At the same time you should truly feel free to celebrate and not feel guilty. God has a plan for each of us and this is His plan for you. You may just feel out how those friends feel and if they don't seem like they want to be updated with every sonogram and feel the baby kick then you can share those moments with other friends and family instead. My friend chose not to come to my showers but to give me a gift privately--which I totally understand. We really still great friends and made it through that very sensitive time. Congrats again. Enjoy your pregnancy and God Bless!

I've learned a lot from my sister.

My sister had trouble getting pregnant... failed IVF attempts and all that went prior to that. But... each time one of her freinds got pregnant... she rejoiced and attended or even hosted baby showers. Each success for any of them... "helped the cause" she said... which was that each of them would have children.

1 down, 2 down, the rest of us to go... sort of thing.

Your success doesn't contribute to failure for her. But... your success can serve as a "feel good" to your group of friends... for them to be glad for you, and know their time is hopefully coming.

My sister adopted one son, and later after more research found out that one of her tubes was leaking and her body was fighting the "infection" so her babies were not "taking". They removed a tube, opened the other and had IVF again. And VOILA... my second nephew! She and her husband are the happy mom/dad of two boys... and are DONE with the baby journey, and can look back at it as history.

I got pregnant fairly easily, but had trouble keeping the pregnancies. I had nine pregnancies with one live birth... my healthy and fun daughter that I thank God for every day.

But... again... I was happy when my friends get pregnant easily (and attended and hosted my share of showers) and didn't have to go thru what my sister and I went thru.

Each "easy pregnancy" is less suffering in the world... and can't we all be happy for our friends?

Please don't exclude your friends in your celebration without talking to them and finding their desires first. Sometimes it is too sad for them to participate in your happiness, and sometimes they will want to be included.

So... please let them know and ask them to get back with you as to whether they want to be included in any showers, etc. that may come up.

Have faith... their time is coming... either by giving birth or adopting... if they want a family... there is a way.

take care and congrats!!!
enjoy your pregnancy!

I say follow their lead. I've had a couple friends that were trying or had miscarriages, and they reacted differently. One friend was truly happy and excited for me. She was very very involved with what was going on, the whole way. The other one, she tried to be nice and I know she was basically happy for me and I know she loves my son (pics on their fridge and stuff) but I had to try and plan other things to talk about too. Obviously, my first pregnancy, I was very excited and talked about it a lot. But she made a comment once about how that's all I talked about and she really just didn't want to hear it when she'd been married so many years and no child yet. (but my world DID revolve around what I was reading, learning, experiencing, planning for)....but I made a specific effort to talk about work, new recipes, and movies around her too. I think you need to give them the respect a friend would have which is to tell them your news and be honest, but then see how they react or let them ask questions before talking about it so much except for big things like sonograms and kicking. Different people handle things differently, ya know?

I am so very excited for you and your family! It is obvious the God believes in your marriage as well. Not that God doesn't believe in marriages where people struggle to conceive - just that this little one is a blessing and gift from Him and Him alone.

As for your friends whose burden you are carrying. You tell them the truth. "I don't want to hurt you or in anyway cause you pain - I really want you to share in the joy of this new life. I understand your longing for this to be a part of your life and will continue to pray for exactly that."

Keep your compassion but do not let your concern stifle the joy that is growing within you.

Blessings -

Congratulations J.!!
I almost hate to respond just because you've already received many good ones but I thought I'd throw in my experience.

We tried to have a child for 11 years before adopting. And I had friends that it seemed like they concieved just by looking at their hubbies. And I was, of course, very happy for them and tried never never to let them see anything but happiness when they talked about it. BUT, it didn't matter how good of a friend they were, when they inevitably got pregnant, it really really hurt. I would go out on my lunch hour and just cry. I cried for myself, for my husband and for the child I so longed for. It really had nothing to do with my friend at all. And if someone responded to me the way Ty C suggested, I would have just fallen apart more.

While you are pregnant, just try not to be offended if you find them quietly slipping away from a "baby topic" or "baby discussion". Or even on some days, just avoiding you altogether. And don't take it personally. Because at this point, their reactions is all about them....and not you or your baby. It's just really hard to describe if you haven't been on the infertility side of it.

I would let them initiate any discussions about it and try to limit discussing anything related to it. Some days I could have handled it and other days I just couldn't. Let them decide and you will all be just fine.

I'm so glad you are so sensitive to their feelings. And congratulations again. Babies are such a blessing!

D.

Of course I was happy for them....but on certain days (and it was anyones guess as to what day it would be), I just couldn't bring myself to be around them.

Charity B had the best advice. I have been there. It took us forever to get pregnant. Tell them in person, don't tell them "you're next" or "quit trying and it will happen" or any of that sort of thing. Congrats and best wishes for a great pregnancy.

J.,
Your situation is not so different from theirs and you could be a testament to faith for them. You were also in a place that kept you from fulfilling you desires for your family. You and your husband healed your relationship and now have a baby on the way. They are your friends, trust them to have joy for you. Have compassion for them and talk to them about it. That is what I would want my friend to do.

As someone who struggled for over 3 years of infertility, I can tell you that your friends can't help but be a little frustrated when it seems easy to conceive for those around them. Between my siblings and our closest friends, we watched 7 other pregnancieds and that was difficult. But, when my brothers let me know that their wives were expecting, they told me how they are praying and hoping that we were next and I could hear the concern in their voice and knew that they really cared.
Your concern for your friends will mean a lot and although it was difficult, I was happy for all of my friends and certainly didn't resent them and was right there at their showers cheering them on and holding their babies. It didn't mean that when I got home I wasn't very sad and in fact, during one shower, I just went to the bathroom and cried because I wanted that to be me so desperately.
Just gauge how things are going with them and where they are at in their journey and you'll know when is the right time to tell them. Definitely I wouldn't underscore how easy it was for you, that makes someone struggling feel like they are even more of a failure but I would state it something like this. 'Tell me how things are going in your journey to be a mommy.' and then let them tell you how things are going and see if they are in a more hopeful place at the top of the roller coaster or way down at the bottom. If it's at the bottom, pick another time to tell them. They may not be able to control their sadness. If she seems hopeful and encouraged then tell her how much you have appreciated her concern during your struggles of the last few years and that God has answered a couple of prayers for you and mended your family and now helping you add to that family as well. Say you know that God answers very difficult prayers because he mended your marriage and you know that He can answer their prayers to be mommies too.
In our case, once my husband joined the church, we were pregnant two months later. We may not understand God's timing a the time, but He does answer prayers.
Congratulations and I hope your friends can join you in mommyhood soon. It's been amazing! (sorry this is so long!)

Congratulations J., I think you have already received great advice. We struggled to get pregnant and during this I ended up giving 4 baby showers. As tough as it was to not be on the receiving end I never wanted my girlfriends to feel that I was not estatic for them. People never knew what to say to me so I just recommend continuing to be kind gentle and prayerful. By the Grace of our Lord and modern medicine we now have a healthy baby girl.

Before you tell anyone else at work, I would tell the friends that have been struggling. Tell them separately tho, so you don't put anyone in an uncomfortable situation. DO tell them. It will look like you are trying to hide it if you don't tell them and then they might be offended.
You can't help their situation other than to pray for them and give yor support. Rejoice in what is going on in your life. Be happy. If they are your friends, they will be happy for you as well.
Sometimes when you quit trying is when it happends. My hub and I tried for almost 3yrs the we gave up. I was covinced I couldn't have anymore with out surgery(per a DR.). Six months after giving up...I found out I was pregnant. "Trying" puts A LOT of stress on a person and stress can do a lot of damage. Best of luck to you all and CONGRATS!

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!.
You have been blessed, I do not think that you have to feel apprehensive about telling your friends. In fact they should take the hint from you..... they should relax and pray(harder than ever) and all things happen IN GOD's time. Also, If they are really your friends.... they will have nothing but good vibes for you. Enjoy this moment!
Take care!

I understand what you are going through. My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time she was a couple months further along than me and lost the baby. It was so hard for me to show my joy around her even though she was my best friend! In the end, I ultimately left that decision to her--I did not push it in any way. She was a big part of my daughter's life, and I think it too brought joy to her life in a real hard situation! Best of luck

I agree this is about you, and a celebration of your new life with your husband. You should never feel guilty about such a joyous occasion! But if you're still concerned, when you do tell them about it, just don't say things like "can you believe it only happended after one month?" It's all in the delivery . . . but if they are your friends, they will be happy for you.

Hi J.,
Please don't feel guilty about your conception! Everyone is in a different season of life. We should all be able to share our joys and well as our struggles. I tried to have a baby and lost three in three years. I remember thinking to myself "If I have to attend another baby shower I'm going to scream". But as God has it my time was later than my friends. I never did conceive but adopted two wonderful baby boys! If friends shy of your good news be understanding but don't let it take away from your wonderful time. Savor your pregnancy!
Congrats.
C.

Congratulations J.!
Don't tell your co-workers until you start to show. This will give them time to speculate that you may be pregnant etc. It will also give you time to make it through the early stages where miscarriage can occur. When it is time to announce it to the group of co-workers just do so. Your friends will be excited for you even though feeling pangs of want themselves. True friends like you are hard to come by. The fact that you are worried for them speaks to how much you value them. Let them know that you pray for them each day and hope that they will be blessed through pregnancy or adoption with a child. Just love them like you do and the announcement will turn out fine.

Congratulations, J. H! You sound like a sensitve person. If your friends are really FRIENDS, they will share in your joy in spite of the fact that they are as yet unable to achieve their own dreams. Just be kind and gentle when sharing the news with them, and I'm sure it will be fine. You might consider telling them first (before you tell anyone else at the office), so they hear the news directly from you. Go ahead and let them know you are a bit uncomfortable telling them, because you wish they too could have a baby.

I've already said a prayer for you, your family, your baby-to-be AND your friends.

Deb D

After having gone through 2 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant while all my other friends were having babies I can tell you that, although you feel bad, the best thing to do is to tell them. You may want to wait until after you have had a doctor;s appt. and know that everything is going well with the pregnancy, but the best is to tell them. They may feel hurt, but they would rather you be straight up and honest with them, instead of finding out another way. If they don't talk to you for a little while, don't worry about it. Just keep being their friend and they will come around.

A good friend of mine got pregnant a couple months after she got married when we had been trying for over a year. I don't think I talked to her for almost 6 months! But, I wasn't mad at her, just mad at the situation and feeling depressed as to why I was not receiving the same blessing she was.

So, to make a short story long...;) In this situation, honesty is the best policy. Also, when you tell them be sure to let them know that you care deeply for them and are praying for them to have a miracle of their own.

This exact same thing happened with my husband and me! We went through guilt, but decided that our friends and family (cousins) would just be happy for us. Turns out we were right, they were happy, and my friend AND my cousin both were able to concieve after years of trying and lots of help from the doctor and are due this summer! God has His own plans! I know your friends will be happy for you despite their own struggles.

First off-CONGRATS!!!! This is such an awesome time!

I was in the EXACT same situation at work a few years back. I had a friend/co worker who had tried so many times to get pregnant but has medical conditions that make it next to impossible. They've considered adoption and all kinds of things but haven't proceeded with anything yet because she is still in hopes of having her 'own'.We (my husband and I) had tried for a few months to get pregnant and I was having complications with it (I was under a lot of emotional stress at the time from another source). Anyways, so the doctor had told me it would be hard to concieve. So me and the girl made a packed (her idea!) to try our hardest to be pregnant by summer. I of course ended up pregnant like 2 weeks later and she never did. I felt horrible the whole time! I knew that I would get pregnant a lot easier then she could but I didn't want to tell her no and hurt her feelings at the time.

My thought is women who have problems getting pregnant get hurt when they see ANYBODY pregnant...not just their friends. It's a very hard thing to deal with. But I know for the most part those same women are very excited for your news!

Don't think so much about how they feel about YOUR pregnancy. Be happy and enjoy this time. And I say all this because in both of my pregnancies I knew someone close who was having problems concieving and I let it get to me and 'rain on my parade' and I regret that now. With my first child my cousin had just had a miscarriage and was struggling to get pregnant and so all the family gatherings I felt like a bad person because the family was comforting her. Shortly after I had my 1st she became pregnant with twins and then a year later she was pregnant again.

Don't worry be happy :)

First let me say Congrats on the new baby!
I know you must be so excited. I too had a hard time conceiving my second child. It took over 4 yrs. And,to be honest after a couple of years,to hear a friend or family member was pregnant was the last thing I wanted to hear. Its not that I wasn't happy for them. I was so un-happy for me! Self absorbed,maybe? Truthful? Yes
My advice would be this,Go to them separately and talk to them in private. Tell them how sad it makes you that they are hurting over the infertility,that you are pregnant,and you are sorry if that causes them any pain.
For me,if some family members had at least acknowledged that it was painful for me then it would have been easier to deal with. Instead of kinda rubbing it in my face.(not that they were trying to. Thats just how I felt) Just be sensitive towards their feelings. After a little while it will be easier to celebrate in front of them.
After,giving up and thinking it would be okay if I didn't get pregnant again.(I stopped all treatments) God blessed me with a beautiful baby boy! So it did happen. But,don't tell your friends,"Oh,it'll happen. Just give it time!" They don't want to hear this!! Just be there for them. Good luck to you.

The fact that you are so sensitive to your friends is wonderful! My husband and I were trying to conceive for almost three years and honestly it was tough when I found out about friends. I think you should actually send them an email saying telling them you are pregnant and totally understand if they are sad, but you will continue to pray for their families and their road to parenthood. Remember God does not put the desire in your heart to become a mother if it is not going to happen. It might not happen the way you think it is supposed to, but it will! The reason I suggested email is that way they can process the information in their own time and privately.

Congratulations on the blessed event J..

I am the proud mom of a 2 year old boy, and 5 and 6 year old girls. Although their father and I have been unable to stay together, these three little miracles are my greatest joy!

I am thirty six years old, and did not have my first child until I was twenty nine. I had accepted the fact that a pelvic infection I had as a college sophomore had left me infertile, and my heart ached as my friends started, and then began to add to their families.

When I confessed to the love of my life that I would not be able to give him the son her wanted (he had two girls from his first marriage,) he assured me that with God, all things are possible.

He placed his hand on my barren belly, and uttered a heart felt prayer for the Lord to open my womb. Approximately six weeks later, the morning sickness began full throttle!

The same OBGYN who told my nineteen year old self that I should one day adopt, delivered Mallory on July 30th 2001 by c-section. The c-section is relevant because the doctor was amazed at seeing my perfectly healthy reproductive organs. He had actually taken pictures of my inflamed, infected, scarred organs ten years earlier as a teaching example of how undiagnosed Pelvic infection decimates the reproductive organs (my point is, he remembered the severity of my case, and even conferencing with me in his office and showing me the shocking pictures ten years earlier.)

I was awake during my delivery, and I remember his shock at how there was no evidence of any previous infection, and how he had never seen a healing so complete! He even laughed with joy on the day my four month old little girl and I went to his office, and he pronounced me pregnant again.

Sorry for such a long story, but my point is: THE LORD MY GOD, OPENED MY WOMB. PRAYER CHANGES THINGS. GOD DOES NOT HEAL HALF WAY, HIS RESTORATION IS PERFECT AND COMPLETE!!

Share your glorious news, and maybe pass on my story with the suggestion that your co-workers pray for God to open their wombs.

Giving God the glory,

M. M

I was one of those people who struggled to conceive. It took me over 3 years to conceive my first son--and then I still felt guilty because a good friend was still unable to conceive after the same length of time. However, you can't control life--much less what happens in other people's lives. Just enjoy your blessing. The best thing you can do is tell your friends/co-workers in the same way you would tell anyone else. Yes, you want to be considerate (aka, don't complain about pregnancy symptoms to them), but also give them the respect they deserve by letting them know your happy knows so they can be happy for you. Congratulations and enjoy this new blessing!

If they are truly your friends, they will be happy for you, although envious. But in sharing your good news, you can offer a positive comment: I know if it happened to ME, it can happen to YOU. (they know your struggles in the past, so it will give them hope.)

Congratulations and Good luck.

P. S

It took me five years to conceive my new son. So, many times during my efforts co-workers and friends would announce pregnancies. That is just a part of life. My advice to you (from someone who heard this all the time) is not to say "See, sometimes if you stop trying- things will happen." Or, "You are going to be next." Just treat your infertile friends the same way that you would the others. If your infertile friends seem to need time away from you, then give them space. But, I was always happy about friends' pregnancies. I just didn't want to hear the "your next" stuff. Hope that helps. Congrats!

J.:

I have dealt with both sides of that very same situation. Being the one having trouble concieving you see pregnant women everywhere. When friends are able to concieve and you aren't can make it difficult to take at first and can strain friendships.

Be sensitive to the feelings of those those who are having difficulties. Boasting about how quickly you got pregnant would definately rub salt in the wounds of your friends but based on what you say in your post, you don't seem to be that kind of person. I believe that you are already well on your way to handling the situation well knowing that while excited for you they still grieve for their own situation.

Enjoy your pregnancy.

I read on a message board once that the best way is to tell that friend via email so that they have time to process how they feel about it without being in front of you. So, that's what I did when I got pregnant. We have some friends who have been trying for 7 years now. I emailed them and just said I wanted to share our news. Then, the next time they saw us, they were express their happiness for us without having to hide the shock and pain (and why not me?! feelings) when they initially found out.

If they are indeed friends then they will be happy for you regardless of their situation. Many years ago I worked in an office of young married women (me being one) who were trying to have a baby, well, three of us became pregnant at the same time!! Unfortunately, my pregnancy was an ectopic and I had to have emergency surgery..losing my tube and the pregnancy. It was difficult at first for me to see the other two women walking around with swollen bellies and showing off ultrasound pictures but I was NEVER upset at them but glad they were not going through the tragedy I had been through. I was so happy for them when their babies came along...and what angels they were. I do recall that they would try to avoid talking about babies and such around me shortly after I returned to work. I had to tell them not to walk on the eggshells around me, it was a part of life and God would bless me with another baby when the time was right and that I wanted them to have the joy rather than the sorrow.

Well, a year exactly to the date I become pregnant with my son, age 8 this year. Both he and my first pregnancy share the same delivery date.

Congratulations on your blessing!!!

J.

I was faced with this situation too. After being the "shoulder to cry on" for their inability to conceive, I felt like a traitor for getting pregnant after two weeks of "we'll let God decide" if we should have another one. What I found was that my really true friends were happy for me and the one who was more of an "acquaintance" took it poorly. I told them privately and let them know I wanted them to be a part of this child's life but that I understood they needed to be the one's in charge of how much information they wanted. I also tried not to talk "baby" all the time. They did eventually conceive at much sacrifice and we are still very close. The other close friend ended up adopting and we had a great time with her "pregoption" parties!

I would have a close heart to heart and let them tell you how they want to proceed. It may send you apart in some ways, but sometimes that's God's way of pointing us in a new direction, too.

Best of luck with your pregnancy!

Hi J.,

the way i see it is if they care about you as much as you care about them they should be happy for you no matter what. I understand you don't want to jump around and be excited around them beacuse then they'll think your rubbing it in their face. I would just tell them "hey I just wanted to let you know that (your husbands name) and I are going to have a baby, cause my belly will be growing and i don't want ya'll to wonder why I'm getting fat - then laugh a little" they should be excited for you.... let us know how it goes :)

A Little ABout Me: Brand new mom of a beautiful 4 month old little boy. :)

Dear J. H:

My husband and I struggled to conceive for two years and had a miscarriage before our beautiful daughter was born. I, too, was surrounded by women getting pregnant at my office.

Yes, it hurts when somebody is pregnant and you're not, but go ahead and let them know, but omit how "easy" it was for you to become pregnant. Don't spend every moment you're with them talking about your pregnancy. They will bring it up when they're ready to discuss it. Also, don't be upset if initially they're not overjoyed over your pregnancy. After they get used to the news they will be happy for you and glad you told them, just give them a little time and space.

L. M., mother of a 12-year-old girl.

you have to tell them. if you don't and they find out from someone else they will feel hurt even more than if you told them up front. I have to close friends that i grow up with and they have not been able to have children but they have always been very happy for me and loved my kids dearly. Hope this helps you a little. It is hard i know. One of my friends got peg. with me and lost the baby on mother's day and the next day i had my baby and i had to call and tell her my self.

My husband and I tried to conceive for more than 6 years. It was painful to see anyone pregnant, but especially difficult to watch pregnant friends and co-workers "blossom" before our eyes. Everyone struggling with infertility handles things a little differently and feels things in different ways. For me, while I was thrilled for my friends and happy that they were experiencing such a blessing, it was also a constant reminder to me of what I was so desperately longing for and praying for, a reminder of how empty I felt. Someone else suggested telling your friends via email. I had some friends do that, and I appreciated the chance to read it and cry in private, so I could try to show only genuine happiness for my friend to her face. If not email, at least tell her via personal phone call or face to face alone, don't let her find out when you make a big announcement at work. Next, obvioulsy you can't hide your pregnancy as things progress, but let your struggling friends initiate conversations about it whenever possible. Of course you will be bubbling over with excitement and want to talk, but you may need to choose other friends who can listen without personal pain. And also, let your struggling friends know that they can choose not to attend any baby showers if that is too painful for them. I hope this helps as you try to be sensitive to your friends' pain. Many blessings to you as your family grows!

We have been TTC for 12 years. I have been blessed with Twins that came to us through adoption. I would just be honest. From experience I always hate finding out via a third party. Just be sensitive if conversation always seem to go in the direction of your wonderful blessing. You will know how much they want to hear and know by the questions they ask.
God is a miracle worker and I am excited to know that your family is back together and that you are expecting a new life into it. Remember to God in the center of everything.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I went through the same situation when I had my first son. A great friend and co worker of mine had given up trying to have children after 14 years of trying. She never even talked about it because she was pretty bitter and sad about it, so when I got pregnant, I didn't know how to handle it. I decided to just tell her the same way I told everyone else and then not talk about it again unless she asked which she did often. I was entitled to have my joy just as she was allowed not to be bombarded with baby news constantly. It worked out fine for both of us and she was one of the first people to visit my new son in the hospital on the night he was born. My heart goes out to all those women who will never be pregnant and want to be so badly, but you have had so many struggles yourself, you deserve to be happy and never feel guilty about the miracle God has given you! Congratulations!!!

Okay So I am one of those that was struggling to get pregnant. But I am now pregnant and thrilled. I would say if it is feelings you are worried about then tell them sooner than when they notice the physical changes. That I think would be hurtful.
I for one was thrilled when I found out my sister in-law was pregnant again with their second not even a year after her first was born. Yes I was personally a little sad, but I didn't feel that she got pregnant just to rub it in my face.
Just let them know that you are pregnant but don't go on and on about it. (unless they are asking questions like most women do.) Maybe send them a post card or email.
L. Jo

J.,

I'm so excited for you! Not only about the restoration of your marriage but also for the arrival of a precious baby. I personally have not been in your shoes or walked from the other side but my dear friend has been there. She and her husband struggled with infertility for years but thankfully was ultimately blessed with two beautiful healthy children.

I asked my dear friend to respond to your questions and this is what she had to say, "That is a hard situation. First of all, it’s great that she’s sensitive to those friends. Some people are oblivious and say the most hurtful things without even realizing it. For me, I preferred when people gently and compassionately told me privately before word got out. It helped to know that they recognized the pain it was causing me. And, while I know the pregnant person wants to be excited about it, it was helpful when she didn’t flaunt it around me. I didn’t want to take away her fun, but it was helpful when most pregnant discussion, etc was saved for when I was not around. Hope that helps!"

I hope this helps you. I wish you many more blessings to come throughout your pregnancy.

Take care,
A. Henderson

Congratulations!! What a wonderful blessing and hopefully this baby will continue to heal your relationship with your husband. I think you should tell those friends who have struggled with infertility or pregnancy/infant loss personally - either in person or over the phone. It may be difficult for your friends but deep inside they will be happy for you and this new life.
I experienced the loss of my daughter at birth and had had difficulty getting pregnant with her. I greatly appreciated those friends who took the time to consider my feelings and tell me they were pregnant personally as opposed to finding out later from other friends. Infertility and pregnancy/infant loss is a very lonely place to be but I was still very excited for my friends and for the new life that was growing inside them. I was sad for what I didn't have but I couldn't let that ruin my friendships even when I sometimes had to distance myself for the situation while I was grieving my loss.

I was on the other end of this for several years, so while I cannot speak for your friends I can tell you my experience.

First, there is nothing you can do to completely remove the pain that your being pregnant will cause them...every pregnant woman is a reminder to them that they are NOT pregnant.

However, for me, the biggest thing was to see that my pregnant friends were GRATEFUL that they were pregnant. That they didn't take it for granted. That they had a clue how blessed they were. And, of course, that they cared about me and were praying for me as well.

The most hurtful comments were the ones from friends who were pregnant at an "inconvenient" time and wend on and on about how bad a time it was (I would have taken any amount of inconvenience at that point to have a child) or who just took for granted that they could get pregnant whenever they wanted to - and then did. Or somehow implied that everyone ought to be able to get pregnant whenever and something was wrong with people who couldn't.

But my friends who were pregnant - no matter how easily - but understood that it was a blessing not to be taken lightly and were truly grateful - I could rejoice with them at God's blessing even as I was sad that I didn't have the same.

Hope this helps!

B.