Help Me Be Strong in Enforcing This Punishment

What was the tantrum about? Was she unusually tired?

As one who has a hard time disappointing my kids when I know something means a lot to them, here's my idea: have her earn the festival back. Give her some major chores to do, and if she does them all well and with a good attitude, then she earns the festival back.

If she can't be bothered to do the chores: Oh well, I guess you didn't want to go to the festival that badly. Then you will feel perfectly justified in taking it away.

You lost me at "punishment". I don't punish children, I provide guidance and help them learn discipline.

I'm all for Gamma G.'s well thought out response. Go the the festival and enjoy it.

Do whatever you have to to stick with the punishment!!! I have always been awful with making threats and then giving in and let me tell you, I am paying the price now!!

Even before I skimmed the other responses, I thought "let her earn the festival back." The other thing I'd add is that you sit down and say "I made a mistake. Even grownups make them sometimes. So now I have a hard job. I have to say, 'I made a mistake. I was wrong.' My mistake was....'"

I'm not as worried as some moms are that undoing this punishment will make the next tantrum worse, because tantrums aren't a product -- or a process -- of rational thought. They happen because children aren't mature enough to handle their emotions, and they get overwhelmed. That said, you may have to work harder hereafter to enforce rules, but it's not like this one-time do-over is going to "break" everything you've set up so far.

When little kids hit that crazy point they are past all reason and control. Even my teen will occasionally get so upset she is just ruled by emotion and having a constructive conversation with her is impossible.

I would focus on why she spun out of control in the first place. When she is calm discuss with her strategies for how to handle future outbursts. I am pretty sure there is no "punishment" that will prevent her from freaking out like this once in a while, she is five. I think while it's happening you give it as little attention as possible. If she's damaging the door, take the door off right after the tantrum is over. If she's tantruming, just let her and ignore it until she's calm and ready to listen.

Can't back you up on sticking with the punishment because I don't really agree with it. She was expressing herself (yes in a totally inappropriate way) but still just self-expression. Taking away the festival will have no impact on whether or not she does this again.

A few times in my parenting life I've realized after the fact that I made a mistake in doling out punishment. On those rare occasions we DO admit the mistake and change tactics. If your kids respect you and know you mean business admitting an error can be a good thing IMO. If I were you I'd discuss with your daughter how she thinks she can avoid tantrums in the future. Have her earn back the festival and be a part of the solution. She didn't burn the house down she just lost control of her emotions, don't we all sometimes?

ADDED: Interesting Cheryl B that you think admitting to a mistake occasionally will turn a parent into door mat. I assure you my kids know who is in charge, I am wise enough to know that you don't have to pretend like you always have all the answers in order to raise respectful, successful kids. There are no spoiled, entitled, lazy, irresponsible kids in my house.

I'm sorry you see things in such black and white terms. Maybe since you had such a hard time following through with your own daughter you don't see that there is a time for rigid discipline and time for productive communication.

You overreacted mom, sorry. It's what we do sometimes when we're angry and frustrated.

A kiddo of 5 has very little concept of this consequence and she has no way of making a connection between having a temper tantrum has to do with going to a festival. That was not a natural consequence. Ignoring her and letting her wear herself out would have been my choice.

Think of it like this. When you get mad you have a filter that keeps you acting in line, it reminds you that acting out is not the best choice, to use your words, discuss what is wrong, etc...

A 5 year old is not able to think like that at a good calm moment. If they're having a temper tantrum they aren't even using their higher brain function, they're in their brain stem and are just a little reactor, not able to comprehend what is going on around them much less decide to stop releasing all the anger and frustration and just sit there all nice and quiet. They are reacting and not able to process thought.

I would have let her stay in her room and kick and scream all she wanted. It would have served 2 purposes. She'd have gotten all the anger and stuff out of her system and felt better plus she would have probably fallen asleep.

The other part she would have learned is she got NO reinforcement during this tantrum. By going in and interacting with her you were reinforcing the tantrum. She kept going because she knew you would react and come in and give her attention, it wasn't a good interaction but it was attention.

So, go to the festival, you overreacted. Have a talk about how someone who is angry can make bad choices. Talk about how you felt angry and didn't make a good choice. Help her to learn that even adults make mistakes.

If you have to be involved in her temper tantrums because she's at risk for harming herself or property here's a good way to teach her how to calm herself.

Hold her in your lap, you can use holds if you are at risk of getting hurt but if she's just wiggling around and not kicking or trying to hit you then sitting her facing away from you with your arm around her waist should be enough.

I hold my grandson on my left knee facing away from me. I put my left hand under his left arm and I hold his right hand in my left hand. I basically have him immobile at this point. He can kick and scream and try to head butt me but isn't going to be successful.

So he's sitting in my left leg/knee facing out and is in a safety hold where he can't get away or get hurt or hurt me.

I then put my right hand between his head and my face. I don't want another broken tooth or bloody mouth. I use this hand to rub his shoulders, neck, and arms. I use calming language and gently remind him to take turtle breaths. That's a slow breath. If he tries to bow back and head butt me I have my hand between us and he only hits it and not my face. He can have a tantrum as long as he needs to this way.

He calms down now in just a few minutes. Even when we're out in public I can do this. No one sees me doing anything that is incorrect because I am helping him calm down not punishing him. I'm teaching him to breath and relax his shoulders and muscles. He has learned to do this almost as soon as I put him in my lap.

Using relaxation techniques you can teach your daughter to relax and focus. You can help her learn to release the frustration and anger out and have more control over herself. BUT this will take a long time. She is a little kid and has a lot of life to learn how to manage her emotions.

If he's having a regular tantrum and not destroying property he is welcome to kick and scream and cry for as long as he needs to. If he was kicking the wall or door and it wasn't hurting it I would let him continue.

Sweet Chaos is right, I had forgotten about that option. We did take the bedroom door off one time and our oldest grandson had to earn it back. He got caught watching adult swim on the TV after the cartoon channel stuff went off. He said he'd fallen asleep with his TV on and wan't watching it. I heard him laugh and that's why I opened his door in the first place....

Sorry mama llama..I don't have your back this time. I know you are trying hard to love and parent this spirited child..I know you love your little one..but I can't stand with you on this one.

Please don't give threats when your child is totally and completely melting down. Stop with the punishment parenting...it is most always going to backfire on YOU and not help teach her how to control herself.

Turn things around and be more positive. When she is kicking and screaming you just let her be. If you stand outside the door and keep on her about stopping and give her threats to take more stuff away it will almost always make her continue her bad behavior. She is in a power struggle with you. No one won this battle..no one learned anything.

I personally would take her to the festival and have a wonderful time together. Doesn't mean she won the power struggle. Forging a good relationship with her will help you more in the long run then all these punishments. Before the festival I would sit down and talk about what to do when you feel like screaming and crying. Do some role play. Laugh together and give her hugs. Tell her you understand her frustrations....and that you feel that way too sometimes. Give her a hug and tell her you are mommy and trying to help her learn not to lose control. Tell her that she needs to say sorry for how she acted.

Next time she has an all out temper tantrum then you walk away and let her do it...walk outside with a glass of your favorite beverage and let her do her tantrum alone. She is pulling you in by having you continue threatening her. I know..sounds crazy but that is what she is doing. She is bringing you down to her level...so keep your cool. Don't ever yell or it turns into a mommy temper tantrum in their eyes and then she is on a level playing field. Pulling the "you can't go to the festival" was your acting out in pure exasperation. Been there...done that..and it doesn't help.

You need to teach her how to control herself. After 5 minutes of you sitting outside..come in calmly and say "when you are done then come on out and we can read a book together or play a game together". If she continues screaming then go back outside and give her more time..then come back in again and tell her when she calms down she can come out and read a book or play a game with you. She doesn't want to be in a tantrum mess...she is feeling out of control. Let her gain control by thinking about needing to stop so she can spend a little special time with mommy.

This parenting gig is a very hard job....I know. We did a total transformation on how we approach discipline after some parenting classes and working with a child behaviorist. We rarely deal with tantrums or all out testing boundaries. Once we learned to keep our cool, stop with threats/punishments and do more positive parenting techniques then that is when we noticed more peace in our home.

Good luck and best wishes...I say go to the festival and have a grand time together. Don't make one out of control outburst keep her from what she has been waiting for all year long. She is only 5.

I haven't read all the responses, but I think that the more *spirited* the child the more PUNISHMENT does not work.

You have to use discipline. Which is guidance and teaching on what behavior you WANT.

My first question..... WHY was she kicking the door? What got her angry and what have you taught her about what she CAN do when she is upset. It seems like you didn't focus on what her actual issue was - which means that you were focused on a symptom and not finding the root cause. You were her adversary.

I also agree that she should be able to earn the festival back. Punishments that are punitive don't teach a lesson. To me... that is not the kind of parent I want to be.

I would have gone with a natural consequence. If she can't "use the door correctly" (which is to close when you need privacy) then she can't have a door. So the door would be removed until she had demonstrated that she can have a door.

Taking away a festival is unrelated. So it's not effective. It probably just made her angrier.... and angry at YOU, no less. Which is not a battle you want to fight. Unless your aim is to make her understand that you are the boss and you have the power. If that's your goal as a parent, then continue to use unrelated punitive punishment regardless of offense.

However, I would modify your parenting approach to use natural consquences and discipline. You will yield far greater results. I am my child's teacher. Not her warden. Her goal is to learn that she can make mistakes and correct them and then move on.

The core concepts are:
1. teach them what they CAN do - rather than harp on what they can't.
2. Use *love and logic* approach to natural consequences - puts the ball and ownership in THEIR court.... not yours.

You put yourself out here, I know looking for support on this choice, but I do not understand your thought process.

If it were an 8yr old throwing a tantrum they would understand the "No Festival" punishment, but not a 5yr old. At 5 they are still impulsive, and less able to communicate emotions and needs. In the middle of the tantrum your saying "If you continue then no festival" simply adds fuel to the fire because she knows she can not stop the current emotion(s).

In my experience for most kids a tantrum is not a first reaction, but a reaction due to many reasons such as: tired, overstimulated, frustrated, un able to communicate any other way. Considering these common reasons do you think it's best to "add fuel" or try to put it out? Punishing a tantrum is not effective in reducing or putting an end to them.

When I began allowing my son to go to his room, finish his tantrum and then come talk to me about what was going on afterwards they began to shorten, become less intense and frequent.

I agree that you have now dug yourself into a hole regarding the festival - you have to stick it out and maybe punishing yourself (you too can not go) along with your child will teach you not to punish "in the heat of the moment."

Good Luck.

I guess you have to do what you threatened. However, I think you made a mistake. You had already sent her to her room. That should have been enough. You could have made her stay in her room for an hour if you really wanted to make a point. Now you've painted yourself into a corner and have to do this. You could have chosen another punishment but you struck out in frustration and now a year will go by before you all can go to this thing.

Kids have tantrums. You deal with the tantrum in the same way everytime, which is immediate. Not taking away privileges for days later. A tantrum is a loss of control. When your daughter is older, she can control herself better.

Next time, make a better choice of punishments. And try to figure out what the trigger for this kind of tantrum was. You said she had never lost it like that before. Perhaps this was partly your fault because you pushed her too hard, kept her up too late, let her get too hungry - we don't know because you offered no explanation. Figure this out and learn to mitigate the circumstances in order to help your daughter and your family. You'll be glad for it in the long run.

Let your "YESs be Yes and your NOs be No.

Also in the future you may want to select punishments that don't punish you too.

I think getting a sitter for her and going without her will really hammer the point home that she is punished and not you.

If you decide she can buy her way out of the punishiment or consequences for her actions then you should expect a harder time with her as she gets older and the stakes are higher. I remember having to cancel Christmas for my son one year and he has been nothing but good since and he is 19 now. LOL.

Hang in there it is for her good and sometimes the medicine just isn't tasty.

Darn you got yourself into a pickle there. Not only is the punishment WAY too far out for a 5 year old (by Sunday she won't even remember what she is being punished for) - it is also totally unrelated to what happened.

Make a mental note to self not to let her get you riled up like this in the future. Any disciplinary measure that goes into effect more than 5 minutes after the offense is completely for naught und uneffective at that age. DO NOT EVER take away a future privilege as a punishment for a 5 year old - you may just as well do nothing at all, they just don't get it at that age and all it does is make them feel treated unfairly.

As for this instance, yes you will have to stick to it. Too bad.

Mama Llama:

Are you a police officer?

Have you and your husband attended parenting classes together?
I think they are in order from your posts.

Would you like to be treated like you treat your daughter?

The International Institute for Restorative Practices in
Bethlehem, PA, teaches people how to resolve conflict in a humane way. check the web at:

www.iirp.edu

Here is one way to help understand your daughter's anger and frustration:

When everyone is calm, have a family circle.

Ask her these questions, and stick to the script, no evaluation:

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

Go around your family circle with you being last and ask these questions for the answers.

1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

Whenever any issues come up, use this family circle to resolve the issues. Learn to give children choices.

Good luck.
Thanks for asking.
D.

I agree with Rosebud - give her an opportunity for "extra credit" to earn it back. Then, you can feel fine about whatever happens in the end.

Mom, you are the one in charge. For as long as we can remember, generations of moms have been right where you are, having to choose between what their kid wants and what their kid NEEDS. From the beginning, mother have had to make some hard choices to ensure that their kids grew up to be good adults. It stinks, but it is our job and it's probably the toughest job most of us have had to do in our lives.

Next time, do this part differently: You had already sent her to her room. The next step, instead of escalating a power struggle (you aren't complying in my request to calm down so now I am going to further infuriate you by threatening to take something special away--- which ONLY gets kids feeling even more bad/helpless/upset, this does nothing to neutralize their anger), would have been to say "I think you just need to go to bed now. We are all done for today." or to redirect it (you can lay on your bed and kick the bed, but you may not kick the door or walls). So, know this for the next time-- the consequence should be quick and immediate. I had to do this with my son the other night, not exactly the same circumstance, but we did get to the point of "we're all done with you not listening and being silly when we are trying to have a conversation with you. (He'd gotten into some of my art supplies without asking and didn't want to talk about it.) It's time to go to bed now." He begged and pleaded and was asleep in five minutes. So, this could be your plan for next time.

But for now, as everyone else has stated: your no should mean no. Period. I would not do the 'earn it back' thing... frankly, there are many times in life we don't get second chances; when we make a bad mistake, knowingly, it may very well be a permanent one. And the other people in her life, as she grows up, are likely not going to offer second chances to 'make up' for things to avoid a consequence or punishment.

When you said "if you keep this up, you won't be going...." she kept on kicking and having her fit. You said you gave her three chances. She made her choice in anger, but she made her choice. Don't neutralize that power SHE has by rescinding what you said.She should be able to feel that she does have the power to make mistakes and get herself into trouble-- it will help her use her power in a situation better. (by the way, we all have the power to do/not do, so I don't mean 'her power over you' but 'the power of her "no" behavior', if that makes sense.)

As I always tell my son in sticky moments "don't tell me; show me with your actions what you are choosing" (as in 'are you choosing to be grumpy and sent to your room or are you choosing to cooperate and do what I asked? Show me with your actions')

And now it's time to show her with your actions that you meant what you said. I can assure you, if you relent, she will consider this a victory. "Even when mom says I won't be able to do X, I know she'll cave anyway".

Don't cave, Mama Llama. Don't cave on this one. It's a hard parenting moment, but plant your feet squarely on the ground and stand firm.Remember, you are but one in a line of thousands of mothers, from generation to generation. You CAN do this! She refused to stop causing possible damage to your property and you made the punishment for this perfectly clear. Do your part so that she can learn to do hers.

Stick to your guns mama! You can do this. It's not like you took away a once in a lifetime opportunity, it's the fair for goodness sakes. She earned her punishment and now she will have to deal with it. You will make a long lasting effect on her by sticking to what you threatened and she will never forget it. If you change your mind and let her "earn" going to the fair, she will never forget that either, and she will always remember...mommy is a pushover. "I can do whatever I want and as long as I behave well later, mommy won't make me have a punishment." That will be her frame of mind.

If I were you, I'd sit down with her and remind her why she is having the privilege of going to the fair taken away. Explain how her actions must have consequences, and that you're sad too that she can't go to the fair. She should be sad about it, so that next time she decides to throw a tantrum, you can remind her about what her consequence was before and to remember to calm down and obey. This will be very effective if you follow through on it! You can do it!

do NOT give in. it's a shame, and maybe if it's THAT important an event, next time you'll pick a different consequence. but this is the one you went with, and you've already wavered by giving her 3 chances.
the repercussions from this will be long lasting. it's up to you whether this is a positive or negative effect.
khairete
S.

Really at 5 yrs old she should be past kicking doors.
She isn't 3 anymore.
She was well warned what the consequence would be - and she went ahead anyway.
YOU are not doing this to her - SHE chose to continue kicking her door.
If she's mad at anyone she should be mad at herself.
The festival will come around again next year.
For that matter there is always something special coming up - Halloween is coming up faster than you want to think about.
It's a shame that she'll be disappointed but - she'll remember this for a long time - and she'll think twice the next time she's feeling like pitching a fit.
That's what you are aiming for.
Being firm on this now will save you future headaches.
Do something else on Sunday.
Maybe it would be a good time to go get flu shots or get your food shopping for the week done.

i have been in this situations many times and it hurts me to take away something that would be so fun and enjoying for them! i agree with rosebud. have her "earn" the chance to go to the festival back. see how she responds to that. i know its hard. i will admit sometimes i am not always strong when it comes to my babies and i give in. good luck!

It sounds like you gave a punishment at a time when she was completely incapable of rational thought (i.e., in the middle of the tantrum). Did it stop even when you took away the festival? I doubt it. By that time, it probably needed to work itself out. The time for rational decisions would have been before the tantrum started, but it can be tough to predict the future.

I don't know what to tell you. Taking away the festival will probably not be a good lesson. But not following through may introduce another issue. Tough choice.

That said, I don't think it's harmful for parents to admit that they made a wrong choice/decision, as long as they have a good explanation for the kiddo and, if it's a punishment, is replaced by something more meaningful/appropriate. (I like the idea of earning it back while losing something else she really likes that won't punish the whole family.)

It might be better for you to do reward charts for your 5yo. This way, bad behavior simply means she misses out on a star/sticker for the day. She gets another opportunity to earn one the following day.

-------
ETA: I want to add that we have a very spirited 6yo, and we occasionally have similar issues. I've read the books and attended a parenting class for those with similar kiddos. Typical punishment/discipline methods don't tend to work so well for these kiddos. Reward charts, while not magic, do help. They can teach her, in small steps, how to deal with discrete issues. Just make sure each chart focuses on a narrow range of issues. Get her to master one skill before moving on to the next. Good luck! And go to the festival.

You have to stick to your guns, Mama, or the next tantrum will be even worse, because she knows that punishments mean nothing.

The kicking of the door: Walk into her room and tell her FIRMLY to sit on her bed quietly. Kicking of property, trying to break things, etc., results in a spanking.

As the festival was already taken away, I would definitely not give it back. As a matter of fact, I'd find a sitter and make a point of going without her. "You must be really disappointed that you can't go. What will you do next time you are asked to sit quietly and calm down in your room?"

Don't downplay what a good time you had when you return. You want her not going to have a real impact on her behavior the next time around.

ETA: In THIS instance, I don't agree with allowing her to earn it back. That just sets you up for having a future negotiator on your hands, "Mom, if I do this can I go?" What lesson is learned about the original reason you are punishing her? She'll be focused on the fact that she gets what she wants, not the reason it was taken away.

Stay strong, mama. That was ONE of the mistakes I made when raising my daughter. I would threaten something, like you did, but would cave when the time came. As a result, she NEVER believed me when I threatened a punishment and she ALWAYS pushed it until I had to implement the punishment. If you back off now, she WILL have another tantrum and any punishments you threaten she will not believe and you will have NO currency to trade on.

ETA: It's hard to fathom responders thinking you should apologize to your daughter. PLEASE don't do that; she will mistake that for weakness on your part and coupled with the fact that you don't stick to the punishment, you will have made yourself her door mat.

Most people usually say "If you say it, do it" because to do otherwise leaves you with no credibility in your child's eye. Cannot believe that some of the posters really think YOU were wrong and should apologize. You WERE NOT wrong. Your child was. She nees to learn this lesson and she's not a dog - she most definitely can understand that she doesn't get to go because of her bad behavior. The punishment DOES NOT have to have a direct link to the offense. This is how we are raising spoiled, entitled, lazy, and irresponsible children.

And K-Bell, my daughter never had ONE tantrum and the GD I'm raising had only one. She got a swift and serious punishment and has NEVER done it again. So, yeah,. a good, solid consequence can ensure no further meltdowns of this sort. Sorry, but again I believe this is because MY kids had firm and consistent discipline and KNEW I would follow through with what I said.

K-Bell speaks my thoughts. "Sticking to your guns" is a most unfortunate image where parenting is concerned: sticking to a concept without evaluating its effect can have long-term repercussions that have a negative effect on understanding, trust, and connection.

The tantrum might have been beyond your daughter's control (and you don't mention what pushed her over the edge in the first place, so we can't suggest how to approach the root cause). At any rate, the festival is not logically or emotionally connected to the tantrum except by way of punishment, and so is not likely to teach the kind of control you're hoping for.

It's okay to apologize (actually helps kids learn that important skill) when a parent makes a poor decision under stress.

I've recommended a most wonderful book to many parents, especially those of spirited children: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Just last month a friend of mine told me she'd been having increasingly intense obedience issues with her 4yo son for a couple of months. The easy techniques taught in this book got him straightened out in a couple of days. The mom is flabbergasted, and thanks me every time we meet.

Oh mom, You must stay by your word. Be strong,

Our daughter knew, If I said something I meant it.

It started because at this age. If I punished her like this, I did not go back on my word.

If you stick with this, she is going to know you really are serious.

Children thrive on rules, schedules and expectations based on promises.

She will test you, question you, but it will give her security to know her mom, keeps her promises, but still loves her and is proud of her.

She is not a bad child, she made a bad choice. Guide her through this if she asks. She made the choice to kick the door after you told her what would happen if she continued to kick.

Next thing you need to develop is your "non verbal mom look". Mine was usually a look of "Are you kidding me?"

STAY STRONG. In the big picture, I would not have recommended a delayed consequence that is an absence of something good rather than the implementation of something immediate and very unpleasant for a tantrum, but that SAID, you SAID, you would keep her home, so you need to.

For her age, if she's spoiled like you say, I highly recommend the book "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson for a more efficient way to nip this. My kids are 7, 5 and 4 and in many ways I have that book to thank for their excellent behavior, confidence and early maturity. We had no tantrums after age two even in my born rager. Don't let her run you ragged. Be calm, immediate and efficient with your consequences.

For the poster recommending being more wishy washy, take note: her teen is still losing it. None of the teens in my extended family would act that way, it was nipped long before kindergarten with CONSISTENT firmness. This leads to happier kids who replace bad behavior with good, which naturally leads to positive reinforcement from you, and they won't spend years practicing pushing boundaries the wrong way. Nip it.

Oh man, I hate when I do this to myself! Sometimes I threaten with a punishment and then realize later it was NOT such a good punishment after all.

A few weeks ago, my 3 younger kids got in trouble right before we were supposed to go to a bake sale for a fundraiser for a girl with cancer at our kids school. They were eating lunch and my 4 year old didn't want her sandwich. I told her if she didn't eat it, she couldn't get anything at the fundraiser. I left the kitchen to do something, and when I came back in, I discovered that my 6.5 son and 6.5 stepdaughter ate her sandwich for her so she didn't have to. I told all 3 they couldn't get anything at the bake sale as punishment. When we got there and my 3 older kids were going to all the booths, I felt terrible and pulled the younger ones aside and talked to them about it. I decided they could get something IF they chose a chore at home to replace the punishment. They agreed, and we went on with life, and when we got home, I had clean baseboards!

I guess my point is, if the festival is something really special for your family and you regret punishing her with it, talk to her and work out a compromise or alternative punishment. Maybe that's not the best advice, as I'm no expert, and have made my share of parenting mistakes, but that's what I would probably do.

Rosebud has a great idea.

Also, does your daughter do anything, any "responsibility" in the home?
ie: chores?
I think she should be doing something. Things that are appropriate for her age. Just a couple of things. Daily.
Have her earn, "self-satisfaction" in how she HELPS the family.
No monetary reward or toy. Just subliminally learning, about what it feels like to help the family in the home and to care about the family and be proud, of even wiping a table. My son gets so proud when he wipes our glass table, and all his finger smudges are gone.

Also, instead of physically retaliating, teach your daughter other ways to communicate.... even if she is grumpy or happy.
If she acted like that in school, then what?
Or maybe she was super tired/frustrated/irritated by something?
Can she even, talk with you about stuff?
Back when my daughter was younger... sometimes, when she had a big meltdown, it was actually when she needed Me... most.
And she had a lot in her that she just wanted to chat about, and just wanted me.

You can't give in. She was warned and basically she made her decision. Be strong, Mama. If you aren't strong, YOU will not have a fun time for awhile cause she'll know it is okay to act sassy.

It breaks my heart to not do fun things with the kids and I am not a good parent to ask this because I always want the fun and think it is a faze they go through and there ends up being another thing I way in the process instead of the really good things and once a year things that we can do together.... So that is a huge thing to take away I guess in my opinion but I did not have issues with strong willed children like this, my girls were always willing to not over step the tight rope so they can gain what they want. So I D K what to say. I like the earning back idea.... if there is time........... She is only 5 but I can see a pattern take place if you don't stop now. But maybe next time.... don't way these special occasions. IDK maybe it is bad to say that.

Can I add.... maybe look into the LOVE and LOGIC for disciplining ?

I would take into account her age with this along with anything like her being over tired/hungry/routines being way off and things like that. Sometimes my kids have meltdowns that last for hours b/c they have been tired for days, routines have been thrown way off and they just reach a point. Just like many adults.

I would tell her today that you know everything has been going on and if she had just had a meltdown without the kicking then you would have still been going on Sunday, but because of the kicking you aren't sure about it anymore. If she really wants to go then she will need to earn it back by doing XYZ. During that time talk to her and tell her that she can come and talk to you when she feels like there is too much going on and you two can talk and see how to make her feel better.

There have been weeks where everything has gone wrong - extra homework - crazy schedules - less sleep - etc... and we all have completely lost it - when that happens we all go to bed early, cancel some events that aren't fun for the weekend and do something just fun to relax and regroup.