Help Discipline

Dr. Sears' book, Gentle Discipline was really helpful for me when learning how to teach my child how to behave at home or in public. Lake County Attachment Parenting group (online Yahoo Group) has been helpful as well. We have playgrounds and meetings.

K., I know what you are talking about. When my 9 year old was 15 months he started that. What I did when we where out in public was tell him when we got home he would have a time out. He was old enough to know what I was talking about. At that time Blues Clues was very popular. Im not sure if it is now but it was his favorite. So he would sit and watch his videos as a treat. So he knew when we got home from whatever we where out doing he wouldn't be able to watch it because he would have a time out! But your son his old enough to know he will have a time out when you get home. Just remember to follow through with your punishment and then he will learn to behave when out of the house! Good Luck

My answer is high maintenance but worth it in the long run. I think even at this young age, it is important to be consistent. If he really understands the connection between his behavior and going to the TIME OUT, then do the same in public. Stop where you are and return to the car, or at least walk out of the store and remind him he needs to behave if he wants to go with you to public places. Your other choice is to leave him with a sitter to do those things you cannot walk away from at a moments notice. More than once I left a cart full of food in a store to take my child home,(sometimes they will roll it into the cooler for you if you tell them your child has to be taken home, but you'll be back.

Good morning- I just read your e-mail and wanted to respond.
I have a 29 month old son who began testing his limits also around 19-20 months old. The key here is consistency. Whatever you do at home, do in public. If you give him timeouts at home for unacceptable behavior, don't deviate just because you are in a public place or around other people. If he understands and responds to the timeouts, keep that routine. I know it is difficult to find a place to give him one, but there is always a place. When Jack is in a timeout at home, I put him facing a wall standing against it for the time limit of his age. When we were at the zoo and he was hitting me because I wouldn't allow him to climb the animal cage fence, I found a tree and stood him against it for 2 minutes. He screamed, people stared, but the bottom line is he knew no matter where we are, he will not get away with this behavior. He cried, said he was sorry, gave mommy a kiss and didn't try to climb the fence again. It is about them. We want them to be the best little men ever and it is up to us to instill this in them. I know it is so hard but it is worth it.
I hope this helps.
K. G.

My children always knew if they didn't behave it would be in the stroller or cart until they could act appropriately- this almost always worked as they would much rather be out walking next to me. Only one time did my daughter really go nuts and we had to just leave the cart in the store and go- only had to do it once though :)

Hey there... I nver had just one place for timeout so we could do it anywhere... I only had to do timeout in the middle of Costco once for her to understand.. Plus I keep a bar of soap in my car to use as a threat too... I've never used it.. but I remind her that she wouldn't be able to rinse her mouth after like at home. She's good while we're out, or I just remind her.
gotta go... good luck! xo

K.,

Since you asked about discipline I'll answer that too, but have you tried "redirection" when you're out? I don't want to go on and on if you know what it is, but basically it's telling him no to what he's doing wrong and "redirecting" his attention to something more appropriate. I have found this is helpful with little kids and serve as a first "warning".

I don't think that 20 mos old is too young to sit on a step. In fact, it's great practice for when you are out. Believe me, it takes A LOT of training to keep them on the step - they fuss, get up, scream, tantrum, etc. But if you stick with it, they will STAY. Then when you are out, use a chair at Grandma's or a restaurant as your "step". The key is removing him from the situation, giving him some time to chill out and be able to focus on you. Make sure you use the "step" or "time out" phrase each time so he understands it is a punishment, no matter where you are.

Another idea, although it give him a "reward" of your attention, is to sit him on your lap and hold him...not like a baby, but sitting up, on your lap with your arms gently around him or firmly on his thighs. Let him know it is NOT a hug, playful or "good" attention. Try to continue holding a conversation with someone else like you were before the 'incident'. Then when you are done, turn him around, or stand him up and tell him what he did wrong and not to do it again or he's going to get another "time out".

Good luck!

Hello K.,
I'm having the same issue with my 2 1/2 yr old daughter. I do the time out thing. When I am in public I have no problem sitting her right by my feet by a clothes rack and telling her not to move that she is in time out. Matter of fact, yesterday I was at UPS store and sat her right in the corner next to the register (it was carpet and clean) I told her she may not move until I'm done paying. prior to this, she tried to run over and pull the fire alarm so attention was needed to the matter. lol I don't know what else to do either, but don't be afraid to give time outs in public if sanitary enough. Or just let them be mad and loud fit...I don't get embarrased anymore over it. She's at that age and people just have to understand that, or leave the area. lol We moms have to do what we have to do at that moment so the kids know what they can do and can't. If you think of anything else, please share :)

All the other suggestions have been good, and just be prepared to leave a place immediately if you have to. You should leave a playdate abruptly or leave a cart full of groceries if necessary. They will quickly learn.

He is not too young to "remember". Remind him that he is not getting dessert tonight because he had a fit at Target today. He will hate that everyone else is enjoying ice cream except him. Next time all you'll need to do is remind him of his upcoming punishment (in addition to the time out if he needs to calm down) at home.

Just stick to it...nothing underminds your authority like not doing what you say. Nothing makes me more crazy than to hear parents threaten things they have no intention of doing. If you say you are going to leave, or any punishment, you better be prepared to do it. Otherwise don't threaten anything. Good luck.

K. -

You know I have a 10 year old and a 17 month old and I too am experianceing the same things at different ages at the same time. All I can say is you have to do what you think is the right thing to do. You know what is best for your child and this is only a stage that will be short lived. Don't get to upset about it; it will pass in no time and in 10 years you will wish you had those days back. Always remember "these ARE the easy years" even if you do not think so right now.

Good Luck,
K.

Hi, K.. The only absolutely surefire way I know is to tell him beforehand that you expect him to sit quietly, (sit still, whispering only, stay by your side) whatever it is you need him to do. Tell him that if he acts up, you will pick him up and carry him to the car and go home. That's something that totally stinks for you, because it means you will no doubt have to follow through with it and leave your grocery cart or some other thing. If it's something you have to do like take him to the doctor, you can tell him that if he acts up, you will keep him in his stroller or hold him on your lap. It's always been amazing to me how much kids this age can understand before they are able to verbalize too much....if you follow through consistently a few times, I really think you'll only need to warn him in the future. A lot of affection and recognition from you after he behaves himself goes a long way, too. Good Luck!

It might be time to start doing timeouts out of the crib. We do ours by the microwave with their backs against the cabinet. The timer is on the microwave. He would only be sitting there a minute. My kids get time outs where ever we are...he may be getting old enough that he sits to the side when he is misbehaving. Or we have left the place we are at due to misbehavior. Let me tell you...do that once when they get it...their behavior will be 1000 times better

Instead of putting him in the crib at home, why don't you just sit him down wherever, when you need a time out. We do 2 min. And sit with our son while he is on time out. When 2 min are up he either signs sorry or hugs us. We always tell him why he is on timeout, and what he should do. Then when you have problems with your son in public you can squat down with him anywhere instead of running out to the car or to a bathroom. This helps reinforce he will not get his own way. At 20 months they understand a lot. For example: my son just turned 2 yesterday, but we have been doing this since 18 months. In the grocery store or anywhere he will be in a cart i tell him that if he sits nice with no tantrums i will give him a little package of fruit snacks. He likes these and this is the only time he can have them. He put 2&2 together a long time ago. I rarely have a problem. Also anyone who has kids will understand why you are disiplining your child instead of letting them get away with something in public. Besides a few outbursts in public is better than years of controling mom and dad. My step son is 16 and wouldn't dare disrespect me in public.

I'd suggest starting by having him sit in a chair or something for time-outs at home. I had a spot in the hallway; I started on the floor, but when my daughter got too wiggly I moved on to a chair. Now she has to sit on the bottom step. Once he's used to that, give him the time-out in public. I've done it with my daughter. In a store, they can sit on the edge of a display with you standing nearby but appearing like you're not paying him much attention. You can also take him back out to the car for his time-out. It's an inconvenience, but will make life much easier in the long run. My daughter doesn't like for other people to know she's having a time-out, so I haven't had to do it in public very often.

That's great that you have 20 month old son who has grasped the concept of time outs!
Impressive!

Same concept as being in the house. Let him know that he needs to be good in the store. Make sure you always have good manners in a store, too. He hears how you talk to others and will emulate that. My kids usually left a big shopping trip with some trinkety toy (for my son, it was ALWAYS a hot wheel.) A few times we left without that small toy because they were not deserving of it. It was missed. If they do misbehave, give a warning. Give them a time-out, without an audience, taking away any bankie, pacifier, anything for a minute or two, even holding them so that you are looking at the back of their head, if that's the best that you can do for a time out. When time out is done, make sure they know WHY they were in trouble, have them say, I'm sorry and just tell them, once again, what you expect. Try to use positive reinforcement before it gets to all of that.

I once left a shopping cart in an aisle at Target, filled with stuff for my kids, because I gave them fair warning (5 1/2 year old-Daughter and 2 1/2 years old-son. With a little drama, I grasped my daughters hand and carried my son out, under my right arm. I didn't yell, just calmly stated that our shopping trip was cancelled and now we have to go home. To this day, they remember it. (You only have to do it once if you act swiftly!)

My goal as a parent was to never be THAT parent, standing over a screaming, kicking child in the aisle of a store, saying "Honeyyyy, please get up!" My kids still like going shopping with me (13 and 10). I do enjoy their company in a store, too. It's amazing how many parents really dislike shopping with their kids. It's good you are laying down those ground rules. Good luck.

I remember from my childhood that my mother simply would not have the patience to indulge in our public temper tantrums. I know it sounds scary and it's hard, but basically she would walk away, a threaten to leave the location. Your son will go to you eventually (it might take a few screams or sobs), because number one you're not giving him the attention he wants, and number two, you are deserting him, which normally is really terrifying for a child. There are some children that are not bothered by this though, and as hard as it might be, I would recommend just getting up and leaving, going home, and then on the way home do not let him forget why you are going home, and then you can give him a time out then. This is a bit much to do, hopefully you do not have to go that far, but that is what our mother did, her simply getting up and walking away (with verbal scolding as to why she is getting up and walking away) pretty much nipped any tantrum we wanted to throw in the bud. Hope it works for you! I know all children are different, and I am waiting for my first, but there has been a LOT of children in my family so I have seen many different parenting styles growing up. My mother's seemed to be the most effective, there was very little verbal and no physical contact in that way, but let me tell you it was quite earth shattering for me as a child, and I got the message from her that she just wouldn't put up with me in that way. My brother took a few more tries than me, but it even worked with him. Now when he grew into a teenager, that's a different story!

If my kids do not behave, we leave. I have left a shopping cart in the store and left. They learn quick. If we are dining out one of us will take the child to the car. You can find a chair or bench and have a time out. At that age, time outs are not long anyway, it is suggested one minute per year for the age of your child. At home, we never used the crib as a time out, I sit my children in the chair in the dining room.

What is it that he is doing in public? A tantrum? Running away? Climbing from stroller or shopping cart? Be sure he is not tired or hungry when you are out, I know this makes my day go much more smoothly! Good luck!

Well, at home I would start putting him some place other than his crib. He will equate the crib with a punishment and he will eventually get upset when you put him in there for bed. When my kids are younger than 3 or 4 I put them on the bottom step of the stairs. The stairs are in a place where I always have an eye on them and it is close to the timer so they can hear when the timer goes off. As they get older they go into the powder room on the main level again where I usually am and where they can hear the timer when it goes off. Anyway, when you are out I usually find a chair or a spot on the floor. For example when at the park I put him on a park bench or on the wooden border that encloses the park. I stay near him and time it. If he gets off you just put him right back in and you keep doing that until a minute(one minute for each year of age) is up. Don't engage in a conversation with him. Just say you are in a time out and we'll talk when you are done. It's going to be more work than just putting him in a place where he can't get up.

I always tell my 3 and half year old daughter that she has to behave before we leave the house, and make sure she understands that if she doesn't, we will leave the store immediately. As much as I love shopping myself, i found this is the only way works for me. I don't like to make a scene in public, so when it happens, we leave the store without finish shopping. And after a couple of times, she quickly gets it that we are not joking. and because she loves shopping just as much as I do (shocking!!:) she behaves well.
I found the most important thing with discipline is to be persistent and consistent. Kids will learn faster than you think!

K.,

When I am in public with my boys 18 months and four I will give them time outs. For us they have to stand in a corner so I tell them that every place has a corner. If they need a time out while in public I find a spot with a corner and make them stand or sit there. Of course I can't take my eyes off of them but they are usually still pretty effective. I watch them but also look around and act like I am not watching them. You know a mom trick. I absolutely do not ineract with them at all. The time outs only last a minute or so but ehy normally get the idea.

If a time out isn't an option for you you could maybe keave the store and go outside until your child calms down. I try to have extra snacks, drinks, hotwheels cars, books and I let my oldest carry the list and a pen to mark off things on our lists. At the mall if they are good then I allow them to go on a ride and play in the play area.

Hi K.,

Yes, they know they can get away with more in public so they test. If at all possible, it is best to just leave and go home and explain that you can't stay at the park, children's museum etc... if he's behaving that way. If you are at the grocery store, and have already picked out a special treat, or toy for him you could put it back on the shelf and tell him he can't be rewarded when he's misbehaving. That is pretty much the extent of what you can do in public.