Help - McKinney, TX

My friend did this for her boyfriend a while back. She bought a bag of Riesen Candy. On each individually wrapped Reisen she put 1 reason why she loved him. It was a cute idea and fun for him to pick up each candy and see a different reason why she loved him, what made him a great person (for you father, husband, lover, friend), etc...Good Luck!

H.,
I have to agree with Maggie, sex for men is like flowers for women.

I'd also say serving him not just with treats but with effort.... like if he mows the lawn usually, you do it instead, just because and don't expect applause.

Also, you said you were sorry now let it go. If he keeps bringing it up then it's an issue he needs to work on with the counsellor, but you should not give it a 2nd thought. If you do, neither of you will move forward.

Hi H.,

I made something unique for my husband one time (7 years ago) and he still has it and won't throw it away!

I went to hobby lobby or Michael's, I can't remember and got a heart-shaped box that I covered in gold paper (you can decorate it anyway you want) and put a big Red bow onthe top and when he opened it, there was a small scrapbook type of picture of us together on the underside of the top. (I would have just you 2 would be great, so that this is special) and then named it 50 things I love about you!

Inside of it, I put 50 things that I loved about him and each little or big paper was done different and in different ink and decorated differently! I used heart shapes, circles, squares all different colors and shapes and made them big enough to that each paper had to be individually opened by him. Some of the things I put in there were so simple, but he still remembers. I love your sexy smell after showering, I love it when you say my name on the phone, I love you when you kiss my neck, etc..you get the picture....

I of course fnished it off w/a small sexual favor (his favorite) and he still remembers and carries that heart box everywhere w/him!

Something that you make and take the time to do will say alot!

Good Luck!

Gladys

Sex solves just about anything for most men.

We've all made mistakes in what we say to our spouses at some time or other. I agree that if you've apologized verbally, you need to drop it; quit bringing it up. But if things are still weird, write a letter not necessarily about that specific apology, but just writing to tell him how important he is, and how you know that all the work he's doing now is done out of love (because he's working/studying for a better future), and that you appreciate him. As a wedding gift from one of my oldest friends, she gave us a book called "The Five Love Languages" which explains how couples can get tripped up if they feel like they're being ignored or something, when in actuality each person is trying to express love....but in the way they personally feel loved. For example, some people shower with love because that's what they themselves want, but that might leave someone else feeling smothered because the way they express love is to "do" things like work hard to provide for the family, or fix things around the house. It was a great book, and really helped our marriage.
One thing I did that rocked my husband's world was this: I made a list (which took days!) of EVERYTHING I could think of that I loved about him, or was thankful for from or about him, etc....I proofread it to make sure there weren't duplicates. I got ideas from other friends because sometimes you overlook things that are special but you take for granted. I took some different colored construction paper and cut our little rectangles and wrote out my list on these scraps. Then I rolled them (lengthwise) with a pencil and slipped 1 each into the balloons. I went to his work and blew up the balloons (don't drink while doing this, LOL) and stuffed his car with them. Do you know how many balloons it takes to fill up an Isuzu Trooper??? I filled his car up, and walked into his work with a card about being thankful and how I loved him for everything he puts into our relationship. I taped a giant knitting needle into the card and wrote "ps-take this needle and a bag with you to see SOME of the reasons why I love you". When I saw him at work, I said I was in the area and just wanted to say hello and gave him the card with instructions to open it later, but before he left to go home.
I went home and cooked a special dinner (not hard, just special) and waited on the couch for him. That was 3 years ago and I can still remember the smile on his face when he came home. With each balloon that he popped with the needle, out came a "reason" why I loved him. (You should have the kids help you! We didn't have our son at the time, but that way he's got the parental thing covered too). He popped as many as he needed, to be able to drive home safely, and then had me come outside and toss the hard to reach balloons to him so he could keep doing it. He said noone had ever done anything like that for him before, and he also got an ego boost from all the comments he got from his coworkers that saw it in the parking lot. Stuff like "Wow, that's love" or "You must be something at home that we're not seeing" or little jokes like that. He kept those reasons in a bag until I found a little treasure box in the craft dept of Walmart. I strongly suggest reading that book so you can understand, even when frustrated, where he's coming from and that will help you feel better. And as for the balloon thing, I suggest you do it when it's not "death hot" because otherwise it might take out some of the joy to stand in a baking hot parking lot for an extra half hour popping balloons, lol.....I had done mine in November for Thanksgiving.

Since you guys have been together for quite sometime I'm sure you have gone through many different stages. I would think back throughout your relationship and bring some of your sweet and special memories back. Like if in the beginning you guys had a favorite restraunt, movie, get a picture of it, a vacation place, fun things yall did together, sports, nicknames, fantasies anything over the years that was important at one time and put it in a scrapbook. I did that for my husband and it brought back a lot of fun and meaningful memories he really appreciated it. I am not very good at scrapbooking but it came from the heart.
I agree with the sex is like flowers for men comment to but I have been known to send my husband flowers when he is super stressed. they may not admit to it but they like flowers to. ( : I would just go from the heart since he is so hurt and having a hard time right now and then follow up with the physical part of the relationship. Good luck to you! You sound like a wanderful wife that has a great husband as well so I 'm sure things will get better for yall. ( :

You need to be sincere when you apologize and then learn from this to not do it again. You need to just simply tell him you are sorry and that you have learned from this how it hurt him and you won't do it again and then DON'T DO IT AGAIN! Nothing is worse than an apology to get over it and then let it happen again on something else. I know so many people that speak hurtful words that they can never take back. And, I don't mean to sound mean or hurt you anymore than you are, but you don't forget the hurtful things people say. You can forgive them and understand, but you don't forget it. It is our choice what comes out of our mouth and we need to learn that once it is out, you can't take it back. So, ultimately, my answer is be sincere, change your ways and pray for your husband feelings and also for you to be more understanding and patient. Nothing works better than to see people change in a postive way.

Surprise hime with something that he would love that you normally wouldn't do. Like tickets to a sporting event that he loves, and normally you would steer clear of. Or take him to a restaurant that he loves, but doesn't get to go to because maybe you don't like it. Just something to show that you are thinking of him first and it will also show that you really want to make him happy.

Good advice so far, but I have one thing to add. Be careful what you say about him and in front of him.
I have a dear friend in a similar situation to you who has been very remorseful to her husband about past wrongs. However she continues to complain about how little her husband helps and how little he is involved with his kids. She does this with her friends and occasionally will make little remarks in front of him. Then she wonders why he won't let it go when the past boils to the surface. He can't because she reminds him daily without even realizing she's doing it.
Be supportive of your husband, at home and in public, whether he is there or not. It helps you keep a positive frame of mind, which he will pick up on.
Good luck!

You have already received some excellent advice, I suggest you write him a letter. Tell him how you feel about hurting his feelings, explain the pressure you are under and reassure him you understand how he feels. Let him know it all gets overwhelming for you also but you didn't mean to hurt his feelings. Sometimes when we (wives) talk, they really do block out what we are saying, or swear you've said that before and don't really mean what you are saying. Make sure you leave him the letter by his nightstand, in his vehicle, somewhere, where he doesn't have to respond to you immediately after he's read it but after he's had time to absorb it. He will know how you really feel and there's no way it will lead into an argument. You may have told him, but he may be blocking out anything you say verbally. Scared that as soon as he lets his guard down you may attack again. When a man wants to have make-up sex, it's because a Man feels like when his wife has sex with him, that she's forgiven him for everything, but doesn't work the same for him. When a woman initiates the makeup sex, the Husband is not saying, O.K., now everything is great and this issue will not come up again, but just the oppossite (sp?)more along the lines, She thinks Sex will fix anything because I'm a Man, so I'll take the Sex and will still hold back on making you feel like you are forgiven and he understands.
When he reads how much it has hurt you to hurt him, the words he's reading sink in. Since you are both in counseling, it sounds like he's really wanting to resolve any issues and be the best Husband and Dad he can. Sounds like you are really beating yourself up over this and it does need to be laid to rest. Hope you get this resolved and Best Wishes to you. We all know, it ain't Easy!

Ok, since everyone thinks sex can solve it, I'm going to tell you what I did.!!! No, no sex involved, unless you want to! Nothing is worst then sympathy sex!

I got a photo book together for my hubby. Pictures started out of our Daughter being born. Then the rest were of him and her ONLY. You insulted his parenting, so show him the good points of his parenting, that you might have overlooked. In side the photo book (before I started scrapbooking, which I have redone the book since then) I put things like "Me and daddy on the computer" one of his favorite saying is a something to go for her wedding day" To all who love, or will: Autumn is our sunshine, our blessing. She gives us not only love, but also herself too. We watch her grow, like a flower in bloom, but only to be picked by the one we give her to.", then there were things like "as I watch daddy and Autumn together, I wonder. Why did God bless me so? I have a caring husband, and loving daughter who cares about the rest." "Daddy and Autumn are closer then any two could be. He smiles when she cries, only to make her laugh. Her laugh brings a warm fuzzy feeling to him, only she can give."
I have added to this book every year, and take special pictures for fathers day, and have her hand prints every birhtday on a page for him. This book has also started to include our son that was born 3 years ago now. So it is getting pretty big. He loves it, and is always reminded about how much he tried to be there when he couldn't be. He missed alot in the first few years of Autumn's life, so this made him remeber that he was there, and he is a good father!

I am so torn about my response to this, as I have 3.5 kids, a hubby that works and goes to school full time, while I am not only a mother for my 3, but a childcare provider to 4 more..and I am pregnant again. I understand the frustration you must face, but also realize that you are feeling guilty about lashing out at him inappropriately ( I have been there done that!) I think what is important is mostly making/ forcing the time for you guys to have a real conversation about what each of your needs are. If you are like us, sometimes we fight about something, then feel bad, but never get back to the issue becasue it is sensitive now, and normally I end up feeling like my concerns have been unresolved. Which can lead to another blow up a month or 2 later. Both of you are over worked and under a lot of pressure, and he should realize that he is not the only one that is tired or stressed. But I have figured out for my hubby that a schedule works best for him. I used to think I was being like his mother, and telling him what to do when, but he says that it helps him keep everything in focus. For ex. we have said that Sat. morning is always his time with the kids. They make a big breakfast, play, and get a few chores done. I can be flexible when needed, but in general, that is the rule. I guess for me, the best apology is to make the changes necessary to back the apology, and maybe find better ways to express yourself, while acknowledging your own feelings equal to his. WOW, I am sorry for rambling, obviously this is a subject that is close to my heart. If you ever need to chat more, let me know. Good luck! ~A.~

Give him a day off...and I mean off everything. Buy some tickets for him to go see a game, or a trip fishing/hunting etc. and let him be just him...men also need their space. Then, receive him all dolled up and give him some mind blowing sex.
It will be the equivalent to you receiving a full day at the spa, a chance to read a good book and then come home to find the house clean, the kid asleep and a romantic dinner with your hubby.

Good luck!

My husband and I are also college students, we have a 15 month old and one on the way, and it is amazing how much stress school is, especially while working as well.

Well, finals is next week, so maybe the 2 of you can go on a simple little 2nd honeymoon, go to a bed and breakfast in Granbury or something, so you can really start over.

Is so important to continue to date, esp. after kids, and school.

It's great you two are in counseling, just really try to make a great weekend where the two of you can reconnect, and then stay on top of that in the future.

Best of Luck!

Here's a great resource for strengthing families:

http://lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.30b4d942d0dda7...

I can tell you I went to AIU online two years ago and it is intense. I graduated with an Associate Degree in Business but it did not get me a Corporate Job. Most want a Bach degree. Also they hounded me daily for payments once I was past the 6 mos of graduating. Also my loans were very high interest. Like Sallie Mae was 8.5 I had 6 loans and could not tell what what what. Some subsidized some not. I had to refinance my home to get out from under the stress of owing money. I think we all believe it will better our future but it does help in letting us know a little about how the world works and helps us make better decisions. He probably is under a great amoung of stress. Also my friend got married a few years ago to an older man and his sons were in her face all the time. Scared she was going to take their rightful inheritance. But they got into a fight and she said she wished she had not married him and he never forgave her. He kicked her out with no place to go and she ended up back at her moms. She has never left as things just went down hill ever since. He just could not forgive. So all I know is life can change with a wife prays. Things can get turned around. He probably loves you both so much he has to do his College. I worked full time, had a 5 year old granddaughter move in and worked a stressful job that kept switching my hours. I totally understand. I did not make dinner on time, the house became a mess at the end of the week. I had yard work to do and laundry and it was really hard but I can tell you be so very proud of his doing it. My one mean boss said I suppose you think you are going to move on and get a better job? It was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear she was proud of me and wished me well.

Take care God Bless, G.

I agree with Amber. While I believe you should always be considerate of others - especially your husbands - feelings and needs, I also believe - and know!!! - that you are going through alot too. Having a child does crazy things to our bodies and it is just as hard for us to adjust (if not harder) as it is for our husbands. You both should explain what each of you needs to eachother and work from there. He needs to know that you are truly sorry and only said those terrible things because you too are exhausted and trying to balance a career, a home and the new addition to your family, but he needs to get past the argument and move on with your life together. You have obviously realized the mistakes you made and are trying to move on. Did he say anything that hurt you and is he trying to make it right, or is it only you that acted out by saying hurtful things?? Just make sure BOTH of your needs are taken care of - it can't be a one way marraige where you are always trying to make it perfect but he never does....you'll tire of it. As far as "proving" your love and how sorry you are by doing something special, I think just truly loving him is enough. Believe me, men can feel it when you're just having sex to make them happy or when you want to make love to them to reconnect and share the one special thing that only the two of you have. Whatever you decide, just try not to make it seem over the top...you should always do special things for him, not just when things are getting rocky. I wish you the best! Hang in there!!!

Just wanted to add a little something.....I hope I'm not sounding uncaring and ugly when I basically say that he needs to get over it! I just know that us women tend to always try to please our husbands so much that we put our own needs on the back burner. I've done that a million times! But nothing ever seemed to be resolved because I wasn't getting what I needed - so I still felt like things weren't right. When I finally realized what was missing, I talked with my husband and told him that I wanted to do everything in my power to be a great wife and make sure EVERY need he has is met but that he needed to recognize my needs too, things just started to "fall into place" so to speak. When we both felt that we would do anything for the other, it made it much easier to WANT to always go out of our way to please eachother. Hope my babble makes sense! :)

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this yet, but if you really want to do something for him, you could make him a little photo book that highlights how great of a dad you think he is. I use shutterfly.com a lot to make little photobooks for family, etc. They are super easy and not that expensive for the smaller ones- He is obviously stressed and doubting his role as a father, which judging from his reaction I would say this is a role he really cares a lot about. A small little gift like this would really show him that you see the little things he does to make you and your son's life wonderful- those little things you would be devastated if you lost. Just a thought- good luck!

I have 2 suggestions for you. Make a date night for the 2 of you alone, you know movie and a dinner, just to say how much you care about the two of you as a couple. Don't call the babysitter, just be together. Your child does better when the parents are happy, anyone can change a diaper or give a feeding occasionally.

Next, by the book " Babyproofing your Marriage". You need to know you are not alone in this.

K. @ The Nestingplace

H.,

Just show him what you wrote...

Wow, what an adjustment having to redefine your roles together after 12-13 years together! It sounds like the best thing that you could do for your husband right now is to give him the time he needs to juggle his school needs with work. More than likely, he wants to be more invovled with you and your son, but right now he doing things that will better the situation for all of y'all in the long run; it is just a temporary situation. If you were to lay off of the pressure and give him the time that he needs to accomplish his schooling, it would show him that you really understand that he has a full plate and isn't just puropsely ignoring you. Also, with so much pulling him so many dirrections, you could give him a few hours off to get away from eveything, like hanging out with the guys or watching a game in peace. You want creative, make him some coupons for free time or decompression time. Write something like this coupon is good for 2 hours out with the guys, or whatever he enjoys doing. Doing something like that, I think, would mean more than spending money on something.

Good Luck!!
A.

Good Luck,